Today as I sit down to my computer I am struck by how deep I am in this work of child abuse and the “dark” side of our world that I no longer am shocked by what adults do to hurt children.  That is not to say it does not bother me deeply and profoundly.  It does not mean that I do not still shed tears for the children who experience any kind of abuse.  There are days that my heart feels like it is broken in so many places that I wonder how it continues to beat.  But I realized this week when a friend called me distraught that the terrible, darkness that surrounds child sexual abuse had entered her carefully orchestrated life that I am far past the shock I felt more than 30 years ago as I sat in my very first class dealing with the public health issue of child abuse.  In some ways that makes me sad.  Sad that this has become part of what I am half way expecting from humanity.   In some ways it makes me relieved.  I am resilient.  I am able to put aside my own values and judgments and help in some way for children who find their way to the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County looking for hope and healing.  I miss being in the “trenches” on a daily basis.  I miss the daily interactions with the children and families.  But I made a very thought out and very intentional decision more than ten years ago that it was time for me to move into a role that allowed me to provide guidance and support to those doing the actual work in hopes this would allow them to build their resilience and allow them to continue the work and grow their expertise that is so needed in the field of child abuse.   Sometimes I feel like I am hitting my stride in this very important endeavor.  Other times I wonder how in the world I ever thought I could make a dent in the tremendous amounts of secondary trauma and toxic stress that people who do this work accumulate.  I feel like it is the act of balancing these thoughts that allow me to continue hopeful. 

I witness things every day that I would not wish on my worst enemy.  But on the flip side of that I witness things that are amazing that make my heart fill with such pride and gratitude that it propels me forward.  I witness police officers do the very hard job of balancing what laws allow them to do in seeking justice and accountability on behalf of our most vulnerable citizens and what they want to do.  They have to be masters of it all.  Social work.  Law and Order.  Humanity.  Accountability.  I watch case workers every single day struggle with what policy says they can do and what they know needs to be done.  Accessing risk.  Trying to secure safety.  Knowing that they will never hit a balance that will make everyone happy.  And doing this in a climate where public opinion is not always in their favor.  I see prosecutors and assistant attorney generals try to find paths to safety, healing and accountability that are narrowed significantly by rules and laws.  I see forensic interviewers who sit day after day in the small room, listening to horrific and life changing narratives coming out of the mouths of children. Their work always under microscopic scrutiny.  Keeping their face devoid of emotion and reaction so that they don’t influence the outcome of an interview.  Always multitasking… asking the right question in the right way so that it does not allow the child to be lead in any way but staying in the moment so that they can follow the narrative while keeping in mind how their behavior and their interviews will impact legal outcomes. Prioritizing which details need to be fully explored.  I witness medical providers seeing the physical evidence left behind from physical abuse, neglect, and yes sometimes child torture.  Keeping feelings and subjective conclusions out of the very objective focused medical evaluation.  I see advocates working with caregivers who sometimes believe and sometimes do not believe statements of abuse made by their children.  I see them offering everyone acceptance and assistance.  I see them offering hope in the chaos and desperation that is the left after finding out a person you trusted hurt your child.  I see them trying to help usher them from disbelief and denial to empowerment. I see therapists who bear witness to raw, heartbreaking tales of terror that suck the very air out of the room.  I see them help children find their voice, their value and learn how to move forward strong and unshackled from the trauma of their abuse.  I see the people in the background working hard to make sure there is funding, managing risk, and making sure the machine that is the multidisciplinary team and CAC of Jackson County continues to move forward in a well-oiled manner.  ALL of it is awe inspiring.  Many people…..heck most people never have to think about any of this.  Most people rest easy and feel secure in their belief that none of this will ever matter to them.  I hope that you never need the services of the CAC of Jackson County and the Jackson County Child Abuse Multidisciplinary Team.  Just know that if you do, we are here.  Just know that for those children in our community who aren’t that lucky, we are here to help them put the pieces back together.  Not in the same way the pieces fit together before because the abuse is part of their history.  But in a new way that will allow them to heal and move forward in this world feeling worthy and undefined by the abuse they experienced.

Most of the time my blogs have some call to action or draws attention to some particular issue in the child abuse world.  Today it is one of gratitude.  One of awe.  One of praise. I am humbled that I am allowed to be a part of this team of world class professionals. I am thankful that our community has this resource for the children hurting and being hurt in our community.  I am thankful for each case worker, for each law enforcement officer, advocate, forensic interviewer, therapist, prosecutor, assistant attorney general, those who provide administrative assistance, those who make sure the heat works, the parking lot is clear of harmful hazards, CAC board members, CAC Advisory Council, volunteers and every single donor or supporter who makes our work possible.  Together we are changing the world.  Together we are helping children to heal.  Together we are building communities where children are safe and families are strong.