I have been working as the Medical Assistant and Community Liaison at the Children’s Advocacy Center since July 2016. For the year prior to that, I was an intern at the CAC while finishing my degree at SOU.
I have absolutely loved my time at the CAC, both as an intern and as a staff member. I truly believe that we are here making a difference in every child’s life that walks through our doors. Being able to be part of an organization like the CAC and the valuable community partners we rely on every day has shown me the importance of believing children and how when we do, great things can be done. This community should be extremely grateful to have so many people working to help and protect children every day.
I am leaving the CAC to go to graduate school to get my Masters in Social Work. I am eager to further my education and continue creating safe spaces for children to heal from trauma and find the smoothest route possible through the criminal justice system.
Although I am sad to be leaving, I am excited for my new journey and to hear about the continued life-saving work done in Jackson County.
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
Lately I have been reading a lot about the impact that technology use has on our children. It is everywhere!
My son was actually introduced to video games at his daycare and then computers at school. He is sometimes glued to his Kindle. It is hard to know if he is doing his reading homework or on YouTube. Everyone in his life is directing him to learn new things on YouTube. You can learn how to play piano there. You can learn how to take care of your trumpet there. He has learned dance moves there. He has discovered other tutorials as well. Want to do a science experiment? You can find it there. Want to learn new math? You can find it there.
It is also used in the academic world. My son recently spent almost an hour, two or three nights in a row, working on i-ready, which is a program his school uses to see what he has learned. He has done reports for school that required that he be on the internet for research. There is no going to the library and pulling out those big encyclopedia books anymore.
Do not even get me started on the games.
He was four and learned about video games in daycare one summer. The pros are that it is good for improving hand to eye coordination and keeping your brain engaged. The bad news is that it basically removes all one on one social interaction. Kids are having a hard time navigating through disappointments or social situations that are uncomfortable. They are not getting practice in “real life” and how to interact with other people. They do not get practice in patience, or how to work out disagreements in real life.
I see the impacts of all of the above in my own child. As parents, my husband and I try to monitor as much of his time on electronics as possible. We sometimes put limits. We use it as discipline more times than I care to admit. He does not have a cell phone. He does not text except to use my phone to text his Dad or vice versa when one of us is driving and can’t respond. He does play games that are pre-approved to be downloaded and never engages in online versions of these games. This gets tricky because sometimes the lines get blurred and he loses sight of what it online and what is him playing on the computer. All of this keeps us as parents on our toes.
We have had wonderful family nights where no electronics can be used.
We have put puzzles together, played card games, or watched movies. I savor and encourage those moments when his Dad or I go upstairs and find that he has discovered the Legos that were tucked away in the back of the game closet or has his marble maze out and is constructing elaborate mazes for his marbles to journey through. We have all sorts of musical play instruments that he will rediscover now and then and practice songs from piano or band on them.
Technology is here to stay. There are tons of safety reasons not to give your child free reign on the World Wide Web.
That is subject matter for a different blog. I encourage you to educate yourself in any way you can on those matters. Stay tuned to the CAC Facebook page as we occasionally will host a community forum to discuss these topics.
The hidden danger is cheating your child out of building his or her inner resiliency by leaving them to their technological devices too much! We need to realize that being proficient on devices and in technology is a must to succeed in our world.
Here are some tips to keep a balance:
Limit the time per day or per week that your child is allowed time on devices. Set a timer! (Or you will get distracted and that hour will turn into four.)
Try to find things that you can engage with your child both on the technological devices and off.
Set up the passwords to devices, accounts, programs etc. If they are younger children, do not share them but enter them in order to monitor their access. If they are older, change them after they sign in so you are aware when they access these account or set up a way to be alerted when anyone signs into these accounts.
Plan entire evenings or days around no electronics. Model this behavior for your child. During one of these days, I was amazed to see my son reading for a couple of hours. On a different night we sat at the table and played cards. We also do puzzles together as a family. (Until the puzzle got too hard. We are waiting for Dad to finish our current puzzle so we can start a new one. )
Create a plan where your child earns electronics time. I plan on trying this one out over the summer. In addition to his regular chores, if he does extra chores, or reads over his required daily time or practices piano longer than required, he will earn extra time on his devices.
Enforce a no electronics at the dinner table rule. I have had to remind myself about this one from time to time. I now leave my cell phone in my bedroom or on the kitchen counter. It is important that we as parents follow the rules too!
Take some classes regarding social media uses. We may have to invest a little time. Every time we master one platform another is created. It is hard to keep up, but it is IMPORTANT that we do if we are going to allow our children to have and use electronic devices or cell phones.
Talk to your children about the dangers of connecting online. Explain that the person who says they are a 9 year-old boy, just like your child….may really be an adult trying to trick him. I recently had this conversation with my son and he was flabbergasted that anyone would ever do that. I love his trusting soul and….to be honest, it terrifies me. It reminds me that I need to up my game.
Some parents create device contracts outlining the rules and the consequences if the rules are broken and have their child sign along with themselves to insure that the expectations are clear. You can hang this contract up on the fridge as a reminder. No arguing when it is broken. Just enforce the consequences. Be consistent.
Talk to the parents of your child’s friends about your rules. If your child goes and spends time at their house, they can help to enforce the rules even when you are not around. The moms of the children that my child spends time with sometimes text me to ask if something is okay. I love that. I try to return the favor. I will always keep my son’s friends safe and I am glad they will keep my son safe as well.
The above are just some small ideas. If you are not tech savvy, you really should find a class somewhere that will help you. Maybe a computer teacher at your child’s school could give you some pointers. Sometimes you may find a class offered at churches or the library—and of course online.
The more we create opportunities for our children to be active in social activities, the more we can counteract the impact these devices have on their social development. We need to give our children the opportunity to practice social interaction, to react to disappointment, to carry on conversation with an actual person and to gain life experience while they are still under our protective wings. If they spend all their time on devices, they will grow up believing that is reality.
By Leah Howell, Training Coordinator for the Protect Our Children Project of the Children’s Advocacy Center
I’m not much of a country music fan, though I lived 30 minutes from Nashville throughout my college years, and for sometime afterward. Even now, 20 years later, I will read about a country musician, that will bring me back to my life there. The Ryman Auditorium always catches my attention. An old, beautiful, former church-turned performance hall. I’ll admit, I’ve only stepped into the Ryman one time. If my memory serves, I only got as far as the entryway. I still have regrets about not going to see some of the great performers that have graced its stage. But recently my attention was caught for a totally different reason.
Once again, a famous person broke his silence.
“You come up here and get to sing one song, and you go, what the hell you gonna sing?” said (Vince) Gill, 60,… “I think that the greatest way to live is to welcome the moment that you’re in and the time frame that you’re in. I chose this song that I wrote some years ago, and never really knew where the song came from, other than… We’re living in a time right now when finally people are having the courage to kind of speak out about being abused. And I think that is beyond healthy, and beyond beautiful, to see people finally have a voice for being wronged. And maybe this song came from a personal experience for me.
I was in seventh grade, and a young, dumb kid,” he continued. “And I had a gym teacher that acted inappropriately towards me and was trying to do things that I didn’t know what the hell was going on. And I was just fortunate that I got up and I ran. I just jumped up and I ran. I don’t know why. And I don’t think I ever told anybody my whole life. But maybe what’s been going on has given me a little bit of courage to speak out, too. I’m going to sing you this song that was inspired by all the people that are…” He let the thought trail off as he began picking out the introductory licks, but the cultural moment didn’t require much elaboration. (Variety, Feb 9th, 2018)
It takes a lot of courage to be on stage and share something so traumatic with an auditorium full of people. It causes me to think about the bravery of so many men and women in Hollywood and beyond who recently came forward, having been violated, intimidated and physically threatened by those in power. I feel my heart ache to think of all of the young gymnasts who suffered in silence (and some who weren’t silent) in the hands of a “well-respected” physician. I think of all of the women who endured being drugged and raped only to watch a comedian and sitcom actor become rich and famous as a “decent family man.”
I think of all the men and women and boys and girls who see these stories, and wish they had the courage to tell.
Because of the prevalence of these experiences, we know there are many, many people suffering with corrosive secrets. Secrets they may be afraid to tell for fear they hear an echo of those words swimming in their head – the words that tell them it was their fault. Blaming is language innocent victims know too well.
Many of you reading this post have never personally dealt with these issues, and may feel ill-equipped to handle discussions and disclosures with such deeply personal implications. But I would encourage you to consider changing your approach. Instead of using the usual tactics of shutting down the conversation or avoiding it altogether, take steps to become more comfortable and open. For starters, attend one of our Protect our Children-Stewards of Children training sessions. It will increase your comfort level, give you some tools to use as you participate in discussions, teach you how to respond to disclosures of abuse, and outline what specific actions to take if that disclosure comes from a child.
We all bear the responsibility to end this violence. Let’s find our voice.
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
I am sitting here stunned and numb at my computer in my office at 9:15 p.m. All week for one reason or another I have been working long hours and late hours. I have seen no news. I have only watched one event in the Olympics (You will remember my obsession with curling from my last blog). I have spent most of my time staring at a computer screen “getting work done”.
Today during my fifteen minutes of self-care time, I jumped on the computer to learn there was another school shooting. With mass casualties.
There will be finger pointing. There will be judgement. There will be much talk about political issues.
But what I want there to be is a path to resolution. I want my son to be safe. I want him safe at home. I want him safe at school. I want him safe at church. I want him safe at the movie theatre.
I want more than that. I want my son’s friends safe. I want his schoolmates and his classmates safe. I want my nieces and my nephews safe.
I want the innocence returned.
I will spend the next few days monitoring my son’s interactions, what he watches on tv, what news he hears. I want him to keep his emotional safety. I want him not to be afraid to live his life. I want him to continue to dance….to feel the music….to enjoy the journey.
On Friday night I had this surreal experience. I watched my son’s first dance recital dress rehearsal. I was moved by what I saw. No pun intended. Up on stage was my son. He was dancing and lost in the moment. He and his peers were up there performing. For a minute or two I was worried how he would respond. It was his first time on a big stage. He has never done anything like this on this scale. He went out and moved and danced better than I had ever seen him. He was hitting the right steps. He was smiling. He nailed his free style “cartwheel” moment. At the end I realized I had, at some point, started holding my breath silently and sometimes (not so silently) cheering him on.
Today, I realize I am holding my breath. This time because of the anxiety of not wanting to let him out of my sight and knowing that I have to.
I, like you, am thinking what can I do? Here is what I am going to do….
I am going to make sure that my anxieties are not transferred to my son. I am going to do what I can to insure his safety at all times and I am going to answer any questions he might have about yesterday’s events. I will answer them in a manner that is fitting for a nine-year-old. I will give him information he needs to feel safe. I will not scare him. I will not give him graphic details. I will not let him watch the news.
I am going to let my representatives know that I am worried and that I want a resolution to this issue. This is a public health issue really.
I am not interested in debating this. I am not interested in finger pointing or political manipulations.
I am going to work with my son’s school to make sure they have a plan for safety. I want to know what that plan is. I want my son to know what that plan is. I want his classmates…those children who he is growing up with…that he cares about…that I care about ..I want them to know what that plan is. We cannot be passive, but we cannot make our children afraid.
I am going to dance with my son. Every chance I get. I am going to feel the music. I am going to dance like no one is watching. And when my son giggles because I am “dancing wrong”, I am going to dance some more.
I will go home tonight, and even though he is sleeping, I am going to go watch him breathe in the dark of his room. I am going to brush his hair off his face and I am going to silently promise to do the best I can to keep him safe.
I will close my eyes and remember that I had this same exact moment with him on the night he was born. I held him close. I brushed my fingers through his hair. I closed my eyes and whispered in his ear that I would do everything I could to keep him safe.
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
This is an Olympic year. I mean that quite literally. This year athletes will compete in the Winter Olympics. The very best of the best in just about every sporting event you can think of. Recently my son and I were learning all about Curling. I know. It is such a random sport. I don’t even really remember how we stumbled upon it, but we both sat mesmerized by the competition that we were watching on TV. So much in fact, that my son talked me into letting him stay up another 30 minutes so we could watch the end.
I have always loved the Olympics. Maybe because I am not athletic by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe because the athletes represent all that is good in our world. Maybe it is the competitiveness that I don’t feel, but am fascinated by when I see it in others. Maybe it is the pride when the American flag is raised and the National Anthem is played when our athletes are standing in the spotlight. Maybe it is the endurance, sacrifice and discipline that is displayed by each athlete.
The last couple of weeks we have learned about the sexual abuse that plagued the USA Gymnastics Program.
It is always so heartbreaking to learn of the legacy that child sex offenders leave behind in the forms of wounded souls. In this case a doctor, Larry Nassar, was convicted of sexually abusing female athletes in the USA Gymnastics Program. Wikipedia defines Dr. Larry Nassar as a convicted serial child molester.
He had 250 known victims. How many are unknown?
He was a doctor. I trust my son’s pediatrician…as in…to me any word she utters is gold. I have sought advice from her concerning my son’s behavior. I have looked to her to show me the path to good nutrition and good health for my son. I have looked to her for his healing when he has been ill. Every single time she has exceeded my expectations. One of the reasons is that she is a wonderful person who has mad healing skills. But really, one of the big reasons is that I am welcome to be in the room with my son when she examines him. She takes time to tell him what she is doing and why she is doing it. She educates him about safety and body safety. It isn’t because she knows what I do in my “real world” job either. She does this with all her patients and I suspect has since the beginning of her practice.
I cannot imagine the heartbreak these young athletes feel by the betrayal. The trauma of the abuse is one thing, but that is compounded by the fact that it was perpetrated by someone who was so respected in their world and who was supposed to have their safety and emotional well-being as his number one priority.
I happened to be in my car on one of the days of the sentencing and caught many of the victim impact statements that were read on one of the news radio stations. It was heart wrenching. In many cases it was years ago, but their healing could not start until their voice was heard.
The Judge in this case was criticized by some of the Bench. I think she was amazing. She allowed time for each and every victim who cared to come forward to read their truth to the world. She held Larry Nassar accountable. She held him accountable when he wrote her a letter saying that it was mental cruelty to make him hear all the victims read their statements. She held him accountable when he used language like “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. This Judge is a class act. She has told the media she will not make statements because it is no longer her story. It isn’t about her. She will not talk to media without a survivor present.
These young women are showing our daughters that you can tell. You can find safety. If you are sexually abused, it is not your fault.
Boys too! It just happens to be that this man preyed on women who were young and vulnerable. I am hopeful there will never be another Dr. Larry Nassar allowed to create a legacy of tears. I am hopeful that other agencies that employ people who have influence over and contact with children, no matter what the venue, will look at their rules and policies and assess the risk of abuse presented to the children they work with.
We are all responsible. We should learn. We should honor the endurance, the sacrifice and defiance of these women athletes breaking the silence.
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
January is here again. Halfway over and then on to February. I don’t typically get very personal on this blog. However it seems timely to talk about secondary trauma and what that might look like in a child.
I say timely because January 16 (yesterday) is the anniversary of a terrible event in my family’s history.
I won’t delve too deep into that tragedy, other than to say it changed me and it changed my family. I lost a family member through a horrible tragic event from which I sometimes fear I will never recover. And then February comes and I am functioning. And then March comes, and with spring, the darkness is replaced with light. Every year this cycle repeats. I used to not recognize what was going on and now I anticipate it. January is a “dark” month that is busy and maybe that busyness keeps me sane. This event happened in 2002 and is unresolved in many ways. It is unresolved legally. While I recognize that healing does not happen in the legal system, it is hard to move on until that has happened.
Bizarre how my professional life and personal life become entangled during the first month of the year. Logically I know things. But my heart does not believe my years of experience.
I want to talk about secondary trauma and maybe provide some understanding to professionals who are working with children or even adults and those in between ( but for the purposes of this blog, I am going to focus on children) who have experienced trauma or secondary trauma. I want to use my own experience to do so.
In January I become agitated. I become a little scattered…more than the normal chaos that is my life. I am tired. Fatigued beyond what anyone can really understand. I get physically sick. Sometimes with a sinus infection. Sometimes with a stomach bug. Sometimes with migraines. I stare off and disconnect…sometimes when it is not convenient. I can’t sleep. I over eat…junk food. I am distracted. I am full of anxiety. (Even as I write this…I am worried about how my family will feel…will I offend them? Will I hurt them by putting words to the experience? Will my colleagues feel differently about me?) I sometimes burst into tears and don’t understand why.
Until I remember. My body remembers first, then my heart, and finally my brain catches up. This went on for 11 years without my recognizing the connection. About four years ago, I began to make the connection back to my family tragedy and recognized that I was having some symptoms of secondary trauma.
I am an adult. An adult with 20+ years of working with trauma. It took me 15 years to recognize what was happening to me. This would be the first January that I am in control of my life. (Or at least I think I am.) And when I say control, I mean that I recognize what is happening and have a strategy to deal with it. Not that I don’t still cry when I think about the loss.
Children don’t have 15 years to learn to master their feelings and regulate their emotions. Children don’t have the words to describe these emotions they do not understand.
That child who is in your classroom, your after-school program, your Sunday school class…the one who is always bouncing off the walls. What if that is merely his body trying to save him from the pain of his trauma. The child who can’t ever stay focused. The one you call on in the middle of class when you know he is not paying attention, and then everyone in the class laughs at him—what if all his attention is focused on not completely disintegrating at any moment. We call these children low achievers. That little boy you don’t want your child hanging around because he has anger issues. Maybe he just needs some love and understanding. Maybe he has good reason to be angry. We call these children hyper. We call them a problem.
These kids are everywhere. Not just in school. This isn’t a blog picking on adults who work in the school system. I see them at church. I see them in Fred Meyers. I see them at the movies. I see them on neighborhood playgrounds. I see them in my son’s life.
I want to remind everyone that trauma can be as a result of abuse, but it can also be as a result of many other things. I recognize I am a child abuse advocate and most of what I write about is child abuse related. Trauma is trauma. Whether it is from abuse, from war, from loss…we may all experience it different. The impact is never the same. The response is not the same. But none of us are immune.
How many people do you recognize in your life who may be dealing with trauma?
Do you ever wonder how many social problems would almost completely disappear if everyone was given the tools needed to resolve trauma? Do you think we would continue to have substance abuse issues? If we could resolve trauma would we have the healthcare crisis we face now? If we were all taught how to work through and resolve trauma, would we see as many hate crimes? Would we need to spend billions on prisons? I wonder.
I am so incredibly lucky. I have a supportive family who when they don’t know what to say, say nothing and hold on tight. I am incredibly lucky in that I have a job that I love that allows me to take a sick day if I need to. I am incredibly lucky in that I am not struggling with other life challenges.
Usually at this point in the blog I am putting in some kind of resolution. Some kind of call to action. If I am honest I don’t know the answer.
Maybe compassion is the answer. Maybe seeing past the behavior and seeing the child is the answer. Therapy is a good start for the child so they can learn to recognize what is happening to their body. Therapy can teach them to understand they are not crazy. There are physical, biological responses to trauma both primary and secondary trauma. Therapy can teach them to master their emotional responses.
As adults in the lives of these children, maybe we can pause before we react to the behavior that is presented and question what the driving factor for this behavior is. Maybe we can stop asking why are you doing this and start asking how we can help. Maybe we can help support the caregivers in the lives of these children by taking the stigma out of seeking counseling.
We all need help every once in a while. Maybe love isn’t all we need after all. Maybe we need acceptance. Maybe we need understanding. Maybe.
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
As another year comes to an end, I am reflecting on things I could have done better, missed opportunities and what changes I will be committed to in the New Year. I am also looking back over all the good work that the CAC staff, Board, Volunteers, Advisory Council and friends of the CAC have done in the last 12 months.
Year to date we have served 716 children who were abused and 443 of their non-offending caregivers.
148 of these young victims suffered more than one type of abuse.
We provided 295 children with more than 2000 therapy services.
Our Family Support Team provided over 2500 support and advocacy services.
Our Forensic Interviewing Team provided 570 forensic interviews.
Our Medical Department provided 171 medical services.
Our prevention program taught 561 adults to recognize and respond to child sexual abuse.
When you look at just the numbers it tells a story. We together were able to make an impact on 1159 people who have suffered trauma as result of child abuse. The year isn’t even over. We will see children right up until the last hours of the year. Our team provided over 5000 life changing services.
What the numbers do not tell you is a whole other story.
They do not tell you of a young lady who sought and received confidential advocacy through our co-located Community Works advocate. They do not tell you of the mom that received comfort and support when her world began to crumble around her as her child disclosed sexual abuse by his dad. They do not tell you of the young children who witnessed horrific violent abuse of one parent by another who found safety as a result of their visit to our Intake Department. They do not tell you about the youth who found relief as her CAC Medical Provider told her that her body was fine and assured her she did not have a sexually transmitted infection. No, the numbers only tell part of the story.
Nationally there is a debate as to whether child abuse numbers are decreasing.
We are not seeing that at the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County. I cannot explain why that is. I have theories but that is all they are; not based in science or fact. I do know that we continue to have much work to do. I do know there are many children in our community that continue to seek safety.
I read the news. I watch the news every day. It gets to be pretty depressing. There is not a day that goes by that I do not read some tragic story of a child who have been chronically neglected. I read a story yesterday of two children whose mother left them home locked in a room while she traveled. She had an adult friend check in on them and feed them once a day. Toddlers.
It is heart breaking. I reflect on that as my stress mounts in providing my son the best Christmas ever. I reflect how many of our community partners are striving to provide the best holidays for the children we serve by providing giving trees and gifts for those young abuse victims we see every day at the CAC. This time of year always pulls at my heart strings. Children should go to bed with images of sugar plums parading through their dreams, not with images of someone they love doing something unimaginable.
What can you do as one person in the universe?
You can take our free Protect Our Children Child Abuse Prevention Training. It is free. Call the CAC or sign up here: http://cacjc.org/services/prevention. It will be some of the most beneficial hours you spend all year.
You can provide financial support to one or all of our service programs. We are good stewards of your donations and make them work to impact the most children possible. Donate Here
You can volunteer at the CAC. We are in need of volunteers in all departments. More Information Here
You can make a report when you see something that makes you suspicious a child is being neglected or abused. You CAN make a difference. More About Making a Report Here
By Ginny Sagal, Communication & Outreach Coordinator for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
You can’t read a newspaper or turn on a television without hearing about child sexual abuse.
Do not feel helpless.
There is one thing you can do that matters in addressing child sexual abuse. You can take a child abuse prevention training through the Children’s Advocacy Center Protect Our Children Project.
When I read and hear these horrible stories, I think how wonderful it would be if all parents and caregivers knew how to recognize and respond to child sexual abuse.
The Protect Our Children training guides you through 5 steps to protecting children from sexual abuse.
The 5 Steps are:
Learn the Facts: 1 in 10 children are sexually abused before the age of 18. Over 90% of them know their abuser. There is no more of this stranger danger thing. We need to go beyond that.
Minimize the Opportunity: Decrease the risk of abuse by eliminating one on one situations.
Talk About It: Have age appropriate, open conversations about our bodies, sex and boundaries. I think of the gymnast kids who were abused by their doctor or coach that the families had trusted.
Recognize the signs: Why is this person giving gifts to my child? Why is this person always with the kids when he or she should be with the adults when we are at a party?
React Responsibly: How you reacts matters. Go with your gut feeling!
The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County has partnered with The Ford Family Foundation to offer this training to anyone in Jackson County for FREE.
Just think, in 2 to 3 short hours you can decrease the risk that a child in your life will be sexually abused. THAT IS BIG!!!
Do one thing that Matters for the kids and teens in your life. Take a Protect our Children training.
To register for a training for yourself or your group, business or organization go to: http://cacjc.org/services/prevention or call Leah Howell, Protect Our Children Training Coordinator, at 541-734-5437 ext. 1013
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
Have you picked up a paper lately and there not be a story about someone coming out and stepping forward to tell about their abuse history?
Almost daily there is a breaking news story about a child actor or actress being sexually assaulted or harassed. Some of it a long time ago. Some of it not so long ago. I have watched and read in fascination.
Has it happened? Have we reached the tipping point? Have we reached a time where we have created a safe environment for those who have been abused to tell their story? Or is it those who have been abused demanding safety for those who come behind them and face the same situations…whether it be on a casting couch, in the locker room or at home?
I think Taylor Swift started a revolution. Maybe it is coincidental, but I have said in the past that her actions had the potential to change the world. Maybe they have.
There are those who would say that everyone coming forward are in it for the money. Can we think about this logically for a minute? ACES, the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study, tells us that children who experience trauma have a high incidence of substance abuse, eating disorders, suicide, cancer, diabetes, mental health issues, and many other diagnoses that span over their lifetime. This is research. This is evidence based.
Keeping that in mind, let’s look at Corey Haim. He died young. He had substance abuse issues throughout his life. And there was public speculation regarding his sexual abuse as a young person by authority figures in Hollywood. You could say the same thing regarding Corey Feldman. Or the Michael Jackson’s accusers–the list is endless.
Before you discount the validity of any of the people coming forward today with disclosures, educate yourself about what the dynamics of child sexual abuse are. In the case of those who this happened to as adults, learn about the dynamics of power and control in sexual assault. Rape is not a crime about sexual pleasure in many cases. It is about power and control and humiliation. It is about aggression.
I am not naive enough to think that every single person who is coming forward and making accusations is telling the complete truth. But I do know that, statistically speaking, more allegations are true than are not true.
Why do we work so hard to disprove the accuser and believe the accused?
I also know that liking someone or admiring someone or idolizing someone does not equal their innocence as an offender. Who do we think commits these crimes? They are our friends, our heroes, our family, our bosses, our employees, our ministers, and our teachers…just think about the statistics. One in ten children will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday. 70% of all sexual assaults happen to children age 17 and younger. And 90% to 95% of those abused know their abusers.
We have some momentum going on at the national level. How do we keep it going? How do we get it started on a local level? How do we continue to create a safe space for child sexual abuse victims to come forward?
We start by doing one thing.
Would you join me and do one thing to support an abused child? What will be your one thing? Will you make a report? Will you believe a child? Will you make a donation to support the Children’s Advocacy Center’s efforts to help abused children begin to heal? Will you volunteer some time at the Children’s Advocacy Center? Will you create a safe space for a child to come forward?
Will you be courageous and believe them when they do?
For more information about the CAC’s Do One Thing That Matters campaign and view the full list of things you can do that matter to an abused child, visit: http://cacjc.org/do-one-thing-that-matters-2018/
The year was 1993. My oldest daughter, Jennifer, came to me one evening and disclosed a horrific truth.
Her father had sexually molested her.
She was 11 years old that year. The specific abuse had taken place many years before. She had blocked it out, only to remember on a cold and windy October afternoon.
I believed her, but I didn’t want to believe that the one person I trusted most with her care, could commit such a vile act and hurt my child so deeply. I contacted the authorities. And I waited.
Once she disclosed her abuse, the floodgates opened. Her memory, her pain began to spill over, threatening to drown us all. I took to my journal, and wrote:
“We are hiding out at Mom’s, partially because I need the support. My sweet beautiful child has been hurt so deeply. The days pass and more is disclosed. I want to help her, to take it all away. I want to see him suffer. Death is too easy. How can anyone do this to an innocent child? Of course, he has taken that from her.”
The next few weeks were wrought with anxiety and tension. Never sure what would be around the next corner. Sometimes the days seem so endless. I want so much to help my baby girl, but I don’t know how. I see a facade during the day, but in the evening when we are alone, I see the raw ugly truth.
“I watch as she plucks out her eyelashes and brows. I place a pillow under her head as she bangs it against the hard floor. I want to scream, cry and vent my anger. I grieve for what is lost, for the innocence that was taken from her. She can never go back, will never have a normal childhood or adolescence. I’m angry, sad and frightened. How am I to deal with all of this?”
Navigating the legal system is confusing and frightening to most of us. It is especially frightening to a mother trying to protect her child from further harm, all the while dealing with the emotional hurricane that had laid waste to our lives.
The Task Force was a safe port in the storm directing us to the shelter of the CAC. Feeling confused, lost and alone, I placed my broken family in the capable hands of the CAC staff.
Jane welcomed us with warm open arms and provided the knowledge and support that we so desperately needed. It was here we started our journey of healing. My questions were answered as the entire staff held us up through each step on the road to recovery – the road that takes each of us from being a victim, to that of a survivor.
I became active in a parent’s support group at the Center. There I gained essential knowledge of the process we were to experience, from the Grand Jury to the courtroom and beyond. It was this amazing group, run by the CAC staff, that shared with me valuable insight into the world of not only the perpetrator, but the victim as well.
I came to understand how it happened without my knowledge, and how to help my daughter.
Therapy is a wonderful tool, and with a non-offending parent involvement, the path to healing can begin. It really does take a village to raise a child.
I recently had the honor to tour the expanded facility of the CAC. I was excited to view all the new opportunities the center has to help those who pass through the doors. Yet it saddens me to realize there is still a need, and that there always will be. Child sexual abuse has always been present in our communities, hiding in the threads of secrecy.
We need the CAC to help those who have been abused, their families and to educate those that have not.
I am honored to tell my story. My family supports me now, as the CAC did so many years ago. They were my lifeline, my hope that someday I could say with conviction, “My family survived.”
I am so grateful to the CAC and all its supporters, volunteers, staff, and sponsors. Because of them, my family is healthy and whole. They made the difference in our lives.
