The Children's Advocacy Center of Jackson County

Tag: sexual assault

  • Today. Right Now. I Am Hopeful.

    Today. Right Now. I Am Hopeful.

    By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

    As I sat down to write this blog, I sort of hit a mental block about what I wanted to talk about.  Not something that happens to me frequently.  Ask my husband and he will tell you I am a woman of many words.  I am not speechless often. 

    I feel like this blog has always been a place that was politics free and I want to keep it that way.  So I am trying to choose my words carefully.  There is a lot that is happening in politics and on the national platform in regards to a subject matter that is connected to my life’s work.  Sexual assault.

    Okay.  I put the words out there.

    Let me start by saying what this blog will not be about.  It will not be about whether or not to believe the current accusations that have been displayed at the national level.  There are tons of commentary out there about that.  I doubt there is one original new thought that could be floated out there.  It will not be about whether or not a certain person should be confirmed on the Supreme Court or not.  That matter has been settled.  It will not be about whether my son is at risk for accusations of sexual assault in the future.  It will not be about the Me Too movement or the Him Too Movement.  It will not be about the trauma that has been caused to victims….both those who have disclosed and those who have yet to disclose their abuse….in recent weeks by candor on both sides of the aisle.

    THIS blog is about celebrating a moment in time that many would have laid odds would never happen in our lifetime. 

    THIS blog is about celebrating a shattering of the silence. 

    THIS blog is about letting go of the shame that has enveloped victims of sexual assault since the beginning of time.

    No matter what your political or religious beliefs are, or what your view points or judgements about how a victim should act or report….you have to admit that the discussion of sexual assault and support of victims has never been so open, so public, so impactful, so front and center before. 

    For the first time in my recollection, the discussion has shifted from victims should never talk about it—should not report it — to a discussion about how and when they should report it.  Maybe a more appropriate word is judgement.  BUT my POINT is that WE are talking about it at every level.  We are hashing out what our beliefs and values about the subject of sexual assault are.  WE are talking about what should be acceptable. 

    For a woman who has always been a “glass half full” kind of a girl, this is progress.  I hear many of my friends and read many Facebook posts about how depressed and distressed they are about political agendas and the fate of sexual assault victims and how women are treated. 

    And in the midst of it all, I find myself hopeful.  Yes.  Hopeful. 

    Women and men alike are admitting that, no matter what was decided through the “Women’s Suffrage Movement”, men and women are not treated equally and do not live a life of equality.  Women may be closer to equal pay.  They have fought and earned many rights that were “birth given” to men like the right to vote.  Statistically speaking, women have to work harder, longer, and more consistently for leadership positions in the work force–most of the time.  All of this is old news. 

    But one thing that is now becoming more apparent is how women have to be vigilant about their personal safety.  I doubt my mother ever told my brother to never leave with a girl without a dime, in case he got in trouble and needed to call from a payphone. (I am aware I am very much dating myself here, but let’s go with it.) 

    I would bet that most men do not pay attention to where the lighted parking spots are in relation to the security cameras and the main doors when parking anywhere.  I say most.  There would be some who do. 

    I wonder how many men have practiced how to hold their keys in their hand should they need to use it as a weapon.  I wonder how many men pause when coming out of the Mall to watch their vehicle a bit before heading out to get in.

    I wonder how many men ponder whether or not it is safe to get in the elevator when there is only one other person on it. 

    I won’t belabor this point much more except to say that now I have had, heard about or eavesdropped on many discussions about the differences in how most men and women live their life.  I call that progress. 

    I call that hopeful.

    Never in history has sexual assault been the topic on the national platform for as long, with as much emotion, and with as much detail as it has in recent months. 

    I call that hopeful.

    I cannot recall in my lifetime ever having so many unite in support of victims of sexual assault.  I cannot recall in my lifetime so many people vested in justice before. 

    I call that hopeful.

    We have reached a tipping point.  A saturation of awareness.  Do I feel like we have much more to go?  More progress to be made?  Absolutely.  Do I recognize there is still way too much judgement of how a victim is supposed to act?  Of course.

    But today.  Right now.  I am feeling hopeful.  Hopeful that this is the start of something big.  Hopeful that there will come a point in time where we can agree that there is no shame for the victim of sexual assault.  

    A time when we agree that no matter what you wear….no matter how much you drink… no matter if you stay out past midnight….no matter what anyone does…. none of it is consent unless you both wholeheartedly say yes to sexual contact.  There is no implied consent.  And even if we can’t agree on that….we are at least having discussions about why we disagree in order to better understand what is reality.

    We should all be able to agree that in recent history no one really talked about, did as much research into, reported about, or thought about sexual assault for as long or in as much detail.  

    This moment in time is historic.  It is hopeful.  It is a beginning. 

    Tammi Pitzen

  • Brock Turner: A Dangerous Unrepentant Rapist

    By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center

    I am angry.  I am disappointed.  I am disheartened.  I pay very close attention to the outcomes in rape cases across the country, especially those that are deemed “news worthy” as they tend to be a gauge of what we as a society think about sexual assault and sexual abuse.

    If you follow this blog at all (I am so thankful you do) you know that I have spent many years of my life trying to help victims find their voice…trying to coax them out of the shadows so that they can know there is nothing to feel shameful about, that it was not their fault.

    Yesterday I read all the news stories about the young swimmer Brock Turner.  I am appalled.  We are living in the Stone Age—as in we are still throwing stones at victims.

    I am not going to rehash the whole story.  Please google Brock Turner.  What comes up near the top is a picture of a fresh faced young man smiling, not a mug shot.  This man was found guilty of sexually assaulted a young woman.  Not only did he assault her, she was unconscious when he did it and there were two witnesses AND it was done outside on a college campus.

    After he was found guilty, his father wrote a statement to the court bemoaning how his son had lost his appetite and happy-go-lucky life after the verdict.  The Judge gave him six months in jail because he did not deem him a threat to anyone and because he bought into the victim stance grandstanding performed by the father. 

    I have to say I almost lost my mind reading these stories yesterday.  The father had the audacity to say that “20 minutes of action” in 20 years of life as a demonstration of how his son’s life was changed.  He blamed alcohol and wants his son to use his experience to educate college students on how drinking in excess can damage your life.

    If your child’s college brings this man to your child’s college, I urge you to recognize how dangerous he is and to dis-enroll your child if they follow through with having him there.  He is a rapist.  He is a rapist that is not sorry for what he did.  He is clearly sorry he got caught.  He absolutely felt he had a right to have sex with this young woman, even if she was unconscious, as he did so out in the public view.  This is dangerous.

    I first want to look at “20 minutes of action”.  This is how the father referred to a rape committed by his son.  What does that even mean?  Is he using action as a peer might ask if you got any action?  As in “getting lucky”?  As in sexually getting lucky or getting sexual action?  I hope you can see why this is not okay.  I hope there is at least one other person out there who finds this beyond disgusting.  As a parent, we set the tone.  As a parent we teach our children what is right and what is wrong by modelling appropriate behavior.  I am going to just leave that here.

    Our court system is protecting RAPISTS. 

    We are once again tipping the scales against sexual assault victims.  We are giving power to RAPISTS.  I feel like no matter how good a guy this judge is, it is time to demand that he step down.  This sentencing is a joke.

    I have read how alcohol made him rape her.  Consider this….Many people drink alcohol to the point of being very drunk and do not rape women.  Heck, there has been a time in my early twenties when I regularly drank copious amounts of alcohol and never once have I raped a person, and particularly not an unconscious, helpless one.  And never once did someone rape me.

    Alcohol does not make you do anything that is not already a thought in your heart.

    She should not have been drinking.  She should not have left with him.  She should not have allowed him.  She should have fought him.  Her sister should have taken better care of her.  Her parents should have taught her better.

    NO!  I REJECT all these arguments.  I refuse to live in a world that accepts rape and teaches girls to be afraid.  HE SHOULD NOT HAVE RAPED HER!

    This is not about whether she fought him or whether she said no.  It is about whether she said yes.  There was no consent.   No consent equals rape. 

    If he had said he was sorry.  If he had said that he knew that she could not defend herself.  If he had said he abused his power—maybe and that is a BIG maybe—there would be hope that he would and could change his behavior.  As it is now, he is a risk to women.  As it now stands, he is dangerous.  He is an unrepentant rapist who feels his only crime was drinking.

    My husband and I are raising a son.

    We teach him to treat others as he wants to be treated.  We say this so much that I hear our son using this as an argument to compel others to apologize to him when he feels he has been wronged.  We not only talk to him about it, we model it for him.  We talk to him about treating girls with respect.  We talk to him about not giving hugs or affection if the other person does not want it.  We talk to him about asking if he can have a hug and then honoring whatever the response is.  If it is no, then we offer a handshake.  It is important to us that our son learns empathy.  Actually, it is important to us that it goes further than learning it.  We want him to practice it.  At 7 years old, we demand it.  When he is 17 we are hopeful he practices it because it is the right thing to do and because he is a kind, respectful human being.

    I invite you to follow this story.  I will be.  I want to see what changes we see on campuses across the country.  I want to see the response of the DA’s office.  Will they file a complaint against the Judge?  I want to see what happens. 

    Are we a country that says raping someone is okay?  What message are we sending?  Will this even warrant a mention in anyone’s political platforms?  Will everyone remain silent and hope it goes away?  Will we all say, at least the young woman is strong and was able to address him in court?  I hope not.

    The next time someone comes forward and reports being sexually assaulted, will we blame the victim?  Will we shame the victim?  Will we accuse the victim of wanting to make money or ruin their rapist’s life?

    Or will we stand strong in support of the victim and say we will no longer tolerate the rape culture?

    THIS HAS TO STOP.  I cannot be complicit in this by going along with this.  Please do not be complicit by feeling sorry for the offender.  His life is ruined.  He can’t enjoy his food anymore.  He cannot find his zest for life.  His father is so upset that his son’s “20 minutes of action” have ruined his life.

    Give me a break!  Who is responsible?

    What about the wake of destruction left behind in the victim’s life that she now has to work to put back together?

     

  • Male sexual abuse by a woman is not a rite of passage

    By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

    I am saddened that in today’s world, with all the knowledge we have gained around child sexual assault, that we are still in a place where society blames the victim. Particularly if the victim is a teenaged boy and the perpetrator is a woman.

    Child sexual abuse is not a dirty joke.

    Child sexual abuse is not a rite of passage. Child sexual abuse is not someone’s private business. It is not a reason to give someone a “high five”. It is not something to celebrate.

    If you do not understand the impact of child sexual abuse on a child, I want to share some things that child sexual abuse victims face:

    • Drug and alcohol abuse
    • Suicidal thoughts and actions
    • Flashbacks/ Invasive thoughts
    • Nightmares /insomnia
    • Anger
    • Anxiety
    • Depression and mood swings
    • Mental health difficulties
    • Self-blame
    • Guilt/ Shame/ Humiliation
    • Fear/ Numbness
    • Sense of loss, helplessness, isolation and alienation
    • Low self–esteem, self-doubt, diminished self-belief
    • Difficulties with relationships and intimacy

    Male victims often need to add these to that list:

    • Pressure to “prove” their manhood
    • Confusion over gender and sexual identity
    • Sense of being inadequate as a man
    • Sense of lost power, control, and confidence in relation to manhood
    • Problems with closeness and intimacy
    • Sexual problems
    • Fear that the sexual abuse has caused or will cause him to become a homosexual or ‘gay’
    • Homophobia – fear or intolerance of any form of homosexuality.
    (The above information and more can be found at www.livingwell.org)

    So what on the list above deserves a “high five”? What on this list should be celebrated?

    I hear the comebacks in my head.

    • “But what 15 year old boy would not want to have sex with an attractive 30 year old woman?”
    • “There is no abuse …. he initiated it.”
    • Or my favorite (NOT) “I would have walked around with a smile on my face for a week if I had a teacher who was that attractive and wanted to have sex with me.”

    I cannot even begin to tell you how much more trauma, shame and anxiety those type of comments and thoughts put on a child sexual abuse victim.

    Let me try to enlighten you by telling you about offenders and offender behaviors … and yes, females can be sexual offenders. Offenders prey on vulnerable children. Those children who have low self-esteem. Those children that others deem liars. Those children who may have mental health issues or may just lack an attentive adult in their life. They prey on children who crave more attention, who need to find ways to feel better about themselves and children who are trusting of the adults in their lives. They prey on children who have vulnerabilities. Do not get me wrong. They will offend on children who do not meet the above criteria, but may not get away with it for very long.

    Look at your state laws to see what the age of consent is. In Oregon it is 18 years of age. That means that a child cannot consent to sexual intercourse while under the age of 18.

    Let me also tell you this. And this is the part you should pay special attention to. We sometimes forget. Children are not little adults. Even if they look like an adult. Even if they want to be treated like an adult. They are not little adults. And in any situation, no matter what the circumstance …. the adult is responsible for what happens between them and a child. The child is not responsible.

    I will figure that someone will be saying right about now that there are situations in which the reverse is true. I can hear the list of times that someone somewhere is rattling off where this is just simply not true. The problem with that kind of thinking is that it allows perpetrators to feel justified in their abuse of a child. The child asked for it. The child wanted it. The child started it.

    I don’t buy it. And if this were the case then there would be no child abuse. There would be no reason for laws to exist to protect these children. There is a reason there is an age of consent. There is a reason that there are policies and laws in place that say it is not okay for a teacher, a coach, a parent, a mentor, a therapist, a priest, or a boy scout leader to have sexual contact with a child.

    And the last time I checked it did not say “unless said adult was female”.