offenders Archives - The Children's Advocacy Center of Jackson County

Birthday Wishes: Believe a Child or Not?

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I have a birthday in April. I have no qualms about the number. I will be turning 47.

26 of those years have been spent working in one role or another in the field of child abuse. Wow!

That equates to more than half of my life spent responding to child abuse and trying to bring awareness to one of the most pervasive public health issues of modern times (or at least in my opinion.)

The pendulum has swung from one end of the spectrum to the other and everywhere in between, as far as practice in securing safety and investigation of child abuse during my career. When I began, you were told to believe everything a child told you and then, later, it was to be suspicious of everything a child told you.

Somewhere along the way, there were guidelines put in place for talking with children in a way that invited an open narrative, that minimized contamination of the information and was more trauma informed.

There are still people who will never believe what a child tells them about abuse. If I had any advice for anyone trying to figure this out in their own life — it would be that it is better err on the side of keeping the child safe.

Here are some things that I have learned along the way about figuring out next steps and what to believe, and because I think ranking is overvalued, they are not in any particular order:

In most cases, there are only two people in the world that can be 100% sure of exactly what happened in suspected child sexual abuse cases…the child and the perpetrator. These things do not generally happen with witnesses around. Child sexual abuse events generally do not generate C.S.I. type evidence.

Ask yourself what the child victim has to gain by making a false allegation. Usually the answer is — nothing but heartache. In my career I have spoken to literally thousands and thousands of children, some in a forensic interview and some out in the “field” on scene and otherwise, and what my experience has been is that most of the time if you asked a child what they wanted to happen to their offender (and by the way this is a BAD idea for a lot of different reasons) they generally would tell you they want the abuse to stop. They do not launch into a tirade about wanting him/her shot, hung, or otherwise dismembered. They do not spout off about wanting to ruin them. Many times child victims of all ages lose so much. They lose friends, family, and stability to name a few. And they gain anger, pain, blame, ridicule and shame many times.

On the flip side of the last one, what does the person accused have to gain by lying about what happened? If there is more than one person making an accusation, I generally go with the “where there is smoke, there is fire” line of thinking. This is particularly true when the children do not know each other or have no contact with each other. Believe it or not there are not groups of children plotting to ruin the adults in their lives.

NO MATTER what age, no matter what clothes they had on, no matter how “bad” they are, no matter what their grades are in school, the child did not ask for it. The adult is ALWAYS responsible for what happens between an adult and child. ALWAYS.

Offenders are not the scary people we do not know…they are people we like. They are people we love. They are people in our life. They are people who are respected. They are people we have previously deemed to be safe to be around our children. I know. I know. This one is enough to make us become paranoid and distrustful of every one.

Identifying and responding to physical abuse many times is easier for all of us. We see a child who has sustained injuries at the hands of an adult and we pretty much understand that should not happen. Although, I still occasionally run into people who feel like it is a parent’s “right” to do whatever they would like to their child. In fact, I have, in a few instances, had said parent yell that in my face.

Most non-offending caregivers want to believe their child and want to believe the abuser because what does it say about their character to not believe their child? And WHAT does it say about their character if they allowed an offender into their child’s life. Those offenders are tricky and manipulative. You can do everything right and they still are able to slip into our lives. So what does it really say about them? Does it mean they are a terrible parent? I do not believe so. Does it mean they do not love their child? I do not believe so. Does it mean they are a horrible person? Nope. The really important thing is once they learn of the abuse, what is their response to their child? Do they do whatever needs to be done to keep them safe? Do they do whatever needs to be done to help their child begin healing? Do they engage in that healing process with them? We always hope so.

When faced with having to make a decision on whether to believe a child or the accused offender, you should never base your decision on what the offender tells you.

If there is an investigation (and there should be, because if a child tells you something, you should report it so that it can be fully investigated by professionals specially trained to do so, in order to get unbiased opinions and to secure the safety of your child) then talk to the professionals investigating, talk to people who work with offenders in a treatment process, talk to anyone involved who will talk to you. Listen to what they have to say. Listen to what their opinion is. Then carefully make a decision.

But don’t make a decision out of fear…fear of not having money to pay the bills, fear of being alone, or fear of the unknown. Don’t make a decision that is based on the least painful path.

Believing a child, keeping them safe, loving them, and giving them support does not sound painful, but it can be. But know that however painful it is for you, it is much more painful for that child. Children are very protective of the people they love. It is painful for them to hurt the non-offending people in their lives. They know that their words will change the world. They know their words can bring the walls in on top of them. They know their words will bring on a domino effect that cannot be reversed.

My birthday wish this year is that if you are struggling with making a decision of whether to believe or not believe your child…..that you will reach out …..to someone who is unbiased, who has some experience in dealing with this issue, to help you.

If you reach out to me, know that I will help you, but also know that I will make a report to either law enforcement or child protection. Your child’s health, happiness and future depends on my doing so.

Male sexual abuse by a woman is not a rite of passage

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I am saddened that in today’s world, with all the knowledge we have gained around child sexual assault, that we are still in a place where society blames the victim. Particularly if the victim is a teenaged boy and the perpetrator is a woman.

Child sexual abuse is not a dirty joke.

Child sexual abuse is not a rite of passage. Child sexual abuse is not someone’s private business. It is not a reason to give someone a “high five”. It is not something to celebrate.

If you do not understand the impact of child sexual abuse on a child, I want to share some things that child sexual abuse victims face:

• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Suicidal thoughts and actions
• Flashbacks/ Invasive thoughts
• Nightmares /insomnia
• Anger
• Anxiety
• Depression and mood swings
• Mental health difficulties
• Self-blame
• Guilt/ Shame/ Humiliation
• Fear/ Numbness
• Sense of loss, helplessness, isolation and alienation
• Low self–esteem, self-doubt, diminished self-belief
• Difficulties with relationships and intimacy

Male victims often need to add these to that list:

• Pressure to “prove” their manhood
• Confusion over gender and sexual identity
• Sense of being inadequate as a man
• Sense of lost power, control, and confidence in relation to manhood
• Problems with closeness and intimacy
• Sexual problems
• Fear that the sexual abuse has caused or will cause him to become a homosexual or ‘gay’
• Homophobia – fear or intolerance of any form of homosexuality.
(The above information and more can be found at www.livingwell.org)

So what on the list above deserves a “high five”? What on this list should be celebrated?

I hear the comebacks in my head.

• “But what 15 year old boy would not want to have sex with an attractive 30 year old woman?”
• “There is no abuse …. he initiated it.”
• Or my favorite (NOT) “I would have walked around with a smile on my face for a week if I had a teacher who was that attractive and wanted to have sex with me.”

I cannot even begin to tell you how much more trauma, shame and anxiety those type of comments and thoughts put on a child sexual abuse victim.

Let me try to enlighten you by telling you about offenders and offender behaviors … and yes, females can be sexual offenders. Offenders prey on vulnerable children. Those children who have low self-esteem. Those children that others deem liars. Those children who may have mental health issues or may just lack an attentive adult in their life. They prey on children who crave more attention, who need to find ways to feel better about themselves and children who are trusting of the adults in their lives. They prey on children who have vulnerabilities. Do not get me wrong. They will offend on children who do not meet the above criteria, but may not get away with it for very long.

Look at your state laws to see what the age of consent is. In Oregon it is 18 years of age. That means that a child cannot consent to sexual intercourse while under the age of 18.

Let me also tell you this. And this is the part you should pay special attention to. We sometimes forget. Children are not little adults. Even if they look like an adult. Even if they want to be treated like an adult. They are not little adults. And in any situation, no matter what the circumstance …. the adult is responsible for what happens between them and a child. The child is not responsible.

I will figure that someone will be saying right about now that there are situations in which the reverse is true. I can hear the list of times that someone somewhere is rattling off where this is just simply not true. The problem with that kind of thinking is that it allows perpetrators to feel justified in their abuse of a child. The child asked for it. The child wanted it. The child started it.

I don’t buy it. And if this were the case then there would be no child abuse. There would be no reason for laws to exist to protect these children. There is a reason there is an age of consent. There is a reason that there are policies and laws in place that say it is not okay for a teacher, a coach, a parent, a mentor, a therapist, a priest, or a boy scout leader to have sexual contact with a child.

And the last time I checked it did not say “unless said adult was female”.

Stephen Collins: Why did no one make a report?

By Tammi Pitzen, Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

This morning started as most any other morning. I got to the office early before anyone was here. I went up to my office. Checked email. Checked voice mail.

Everything was going well until I checked Facebook.

Circulating was a story on Stephen Collins. It was about how he confessed in therapy to his wife about exposing himself to young girls and making one of them touch his penis. There was a recording attached. I usually don’t watch the videos or listen to the recordings attached to news stories, but for some reason, I was needing verification that this was indeed what was happening in the session.

It is a male confessing to sexually abusing a child and exposing himself to young girls. Both are abusive. I just want to accurately describe what it is he is confessing. I am disturbed deeply by this revelation. This was taped in 2012 by his wife in a therapy session. It sounds like Stephen Collins.

I am shocked. I am disturbed. I am saddened. I hope that I have it all wrong. I hope that there will be more reported on this story. I am all these things not because I cannot believe that a Hollywood star who played a minister could ever do such things. I am all these things because it appears, at least at this point, that there was a recording of these confessions that was made in 2012 and it appears that nothing has been done about it.

It appears that no one made a report.

There are assertions that the police have an open case now. But it would appear that it is a relatively new report, as one new site states that the detectives from the special victims unit were flying from New York to Los Angeles to interview him. I am so hopeful that I have this wrong. I am hopeful that this is a re-interview of the “suspect”. That this case was reported in 2012 and some how got stalled out. I am so hopeful that someone stood up on behalf of these children and made a report. Let these children know that they matter, and that what happened to them matters — more than Stephen Collins’ fame.

I have continued today to research out this story. His wife of 27 years is divorcing him. This tape came about as a result of therapy, in what I assume was an attempt to save that marriage. I just read this is not the first time Collins has been accused. His ex wife apparently made a report in 2012 on behalf of one of the victims, but nothing ever materialized as a result of that report. He was accused several years ago, but no charges came about as the statue of limitations had run.

What do we know about sex offenders?

Well, we know they hide right out in the public view. We know they “groom” children and also “groom” their community.

We know that they become who we want to believe they are. Stephen Collins is probably best known from his role in 7th Heaven, where he played a minister.

We know that they insert themselves in situations where they will have unquestioned access to vulnerable children. I wonder if any of the children who ever worked around him will be coming forward next.

I have no problem believing that Stephen Collins did this. It fits the classic stereo type that I see played over and over again in everyday life.

I am having trouble believing that no one reported.

I am having a problem believing that no one cared enough in 2012 to make a report. I am having trouble believing that the only reason this tape was leaked was as a result of a nasty long divorce battle.

I am hoping I am wrong. I am hoping that tomorrow when I go through my morning routine, I will find that there was one person who made a report. I am hoping that the therapist made a report. I am hoping to pick up a newspaper or catch a news story on E.T., or some other entertainment news site, that will tell me the rest of the story—the part where there was someone who was willing to stand up not only on behalf of these children, but really any and all children who may have crossed the path of Mr. Stephen Collins.

It is TIME that we stop giving sex offenders ALL the power.

It is TIME to stop expecting that children will protect themselves.

It is TIME we all recognize that the safety of our children is our responsibility.

It is TIME to recognize that one of the greatest talents of a sex offender is to minimize what he has done and the damage that it has caused. In this case it went from exposing to touching and I would suspect further than that.

The only ones that can do anything to put a stop to the abuse of our children is really us!

If you suspect it…..REPORT IT!!!!!

Judge’s words hurt victims

By Tammi Pitzen, Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I recently read about a judge in Montana being censored for some statements he made while handing out a sentence to a sex offender. This case has been so disturbing to me. Judge Baugh sent Rambold to prison for 31 days last year after he pleaded guilty to sexual intercourse without consent.

Rambold was a 47 year-old business teacher at Billings Senior High School at the time of the 2007 rape. The victim was one of his students. She committed suicide while the case was pending trial.

Baugh said during Rambold’s sentencing in August that the teenager was “probably as much in control of the situation as the defendant” and that she “appeared older than her chronological age.”

I have actually been thinking about this case a lot lately. But not in connection to the heinous crime that was committed by Rambold, the teacher. More in connection with the heinous acts by Judge Baugh.

Remember the old adage that went something like — “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me”?

Judge Baugh’s words hurt.

They hurt many victims who will remain silent because of hearing how this victim was blamed by someone in authority. His words hurt the parents of this child who are already grieving. His words hurt the many people who work to protect children in our world. His words hurt in a way that he can not imagine, because if he could imagine, he would have never uttered any of them.

According to the article he will be allowed to retire. This might muddy his name for a short time, but really in essence, will have no impact on his life at all.

When we chose to take the career path that goes along the “high road”, we chose to have our words mean something.

Judge Baugh chose this higher road. His words meant something. They meant something to a lot of people when he said the victim “appeared older than her chronological age”. They meant something to a lot of people when the Judge decided that a victim is in as much control of a situation as a sex offender. They meant the most to victims of child sexual abuse. They meant a lot to offenders of child sexual abuse.

This young victim killed herself. She committed suicide. Her sexual abuse equated to a death sentence for her.

Thirty one days for sex offender Rambold. His sentence was all suspended except for 31 days.

Thankfully, there is a part two to this story.

Other people used their words to make things right. The State appealed the sentencing. The Supreme Court in Montana was looking at what they can do to make a statement. They were considering censoring the Judge.

The Judge plans on retiring. I doubt whatever “punishment” is handed down to this judge will have an impact on his life. After the public outrage, he apologized to the family.

Funny thing about words. It turns out they can hurt. They can’t be taken back. Sometimes the pain caused by words can outlast the pain from a broken bone.

I am making a choice today.

I will choose my words carefully. I will make my words mean something.

I will think every day about how my words might have helped a 14 year old sexually abused by their teacher or sexually abused by anyone.

What will you do?

The shocking facts about child pornography

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center

When most people think about child sexual abuse, they think of those children in which an adult has touched a child in an inappropriate way. But there are also non-touching forms of sexual abuse.

In the age of fast moving technology, there are new victims who can be vulnerable to re-victimization over and over for the rest of their lives.

These are the children exploited by their perpetrator taking pornographic pictures of them and circulating them through the internet. There is no way to know exactly how many offenders these victims have. Many times these children are not aware that pictures of their abuse are being taken. There are thousands of pictures of unidentified children.

And technically every time someone views a pornographic picture of a child, it is abusive.