Tag: consent

  • Today. Right Now. I Am Hopeful.

    Today. Right Now. I Am Hopeful.

    By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

    As I sat down to write this blog, I sort of hit a mental block about what I wanted to talk about.  Not something that happens to me frequently.  Ask my husband and he will tell you I am a woman of many words.  I am not speechless often. 

    I feel like this blog has always been a place that was politics free and I want to keep it that way.  So I am trying to choose my words carefully.  There is a lot that is happening in politics and on the national platform in regards to a subject matter that is connected to my life’s work.  Sexual assault.

    Okay.  I put the words out there.

    Let me start by saying what this blog will not be about.  It will not be about whether or not to believe the current accusations that have been displayed at the national level.  There are tons of commentary out there about that.  I doubt there is one original new thought that could be floated out there.  It will not be about whether or not a certain person should be confirmed on the Supreme Court or not.  That matter has been settled.  It will not be about whether my son is at risk for accusations of sexual assault in the future.  It will not be about the Me Too movement or the Him Too Movement.  It will not be about the trauma that has been caused to victims….both those who have disclosed and those who have yet to disclose their abuse….in recent weeks by candor on both sides of the aisle.

    THIS blog is about celebrating a moment in time that many would have laid odds would never happen in our lifetime. 

    THIS blog is about celebrating a shattering of the silence. 

    THIS blog is about letting go of the shame that has enveloped victims of sexual assault since the beginning of time.

    No matter what your political or religious beliefs are, or what your view points or judgements about how a victim should act or report….you have to admit that the discussion of sexual assault and support of victims has never been so open, so public, so impactful, so front and center before. 

    For the first time in my recollection, the discussion has shifted from victims should never talk about it—should not report it — to a discussion about how and when they should report it.  Maybe a more appropriate word is judgement.  BUT my POINT is that WE are talking about it at every level.  We are hashing out what our beliefs and values about the subject of sexual assault are.  WE are talking about what should be acceptable. 

    For a woman who has always been a “glass half full” kind of a girl, this is progress.  I hear many of my friends and read many Facebook posts about how depressed and distressed they are about political agendas and the fate of sexual assault victims and how women are treated. 

    And in the midst of it all, I find myself hopeful.  Yes.  Hopeful. 

    Women and men alike are admitting that, no matter what was decided through the “Women’s Suffrage Movement”, men and women are not treated equally and do not live a life of equality.  Women may be closer to equal pay.  They have fought and earned many rights that were “birth given” to men like the right to vote.  Statistically speaking, women have to work harder, longer, and more consistently for leadership positions in the work force–most of the time.  All of this is old news. 

    But one thing that is now becoming more apparent is how women have to be vigilant about their personal safety.  I doubt my mother ever told my brother to never leave with a girl without a dime, in case he got in trouble and needed to call from a payphone. (I am aware I am very much dating myself here, but let’s go with it.) 

    I would bet that most men do not pay attention to where the lighted parking spots are in relation to the security cameras and the main doors when parking anywhere.  I say most.  There would be some who do. 

    I wonder how many men have practiced how to hold their keys in their hand should they need to use it as a weapon.  I wonder how many men pause when coming out of the Mall to watch their vehicle a bit before heading out to get in.

    I wonder how many men ponder whether or not it is safe to get in the elevator when there is only one other person on it. 

    I won’t belabor this point much more except to say that now I have had, heard about or eavesdropped on many discussions about the differences in how most men and women live their life.  I call that progress. 

    I call that hopeful.

    Never in history has sexual assault been the topic on the national platform for as long, with as much emotion, and with as much detail as it has in recent months. 

    I call that hopeful.

    I cannot recall in my lifetime ever having so many unite in support of victims of sexual assault.  I cannot recall in my lifetime so many people vested in justice before. 

    I call that hopeful.

    We have reached a tipping point.  A saturation of awareness.  Do I feel like we have much more to go?  More progress to be made?  Absolutely.  Do I recognize there is still way too much judgement of how a victim is supposed to act?  Of course.

    But today.  Right now.  I am feeling hopeful.  Hopeful that this is the start of something big.  Hopeful that there will come a point in time where we can agree that there is no shame for the victim of sexual assault.  

    A time when we agree that no matter what you wear….no matter how much you drink… no matter if you stay out past midnight….no matter what anyone does…. none of it is consent unless you both wholeheartedly say yes to sexual contact.  There is no implied consent.  And even if we can’t agree on that….we are at least having discussions about why we disagree in order to better understand what is reality.

    We should all be able to agree that in recent history no one really talked about, did as much research into, reported about, or thought about sexual assault for as long or in as much detail.  

    This moment in time is historic.  It is hopeful.  It is a beginning. 

    Tammi Pitzen
  • Judge blames rape victim for not “keeping her knees together”

    By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

    That day is not today.

    Remember in my last blog that I yearned for a tomorrow where people understood trauma and what consent is?  Well, after reading a story in the news and doing a little research on that story…that day is definitely not today!

    A judge in Canada is facing removal from the bench for his conduct when he asked a woman in a rape case why she couldn’t “just keep her knees together.”   Yes, let that sink in for a minute.  Think about how those five words uttered by a man charged with upholding justice will impact the young rape victim he was speaking to in open court.  She is 19.  Imagine being 19 and being raped in a bathroom over a sink and then the judge presiding over your case basically tells you that you could have prevented this if you would have just kept your knees together, or if you would have pushed your bottom to the sink he would not have been able to penetrate you.

    Please take a minute and re-read that last part and fully appreciate what he has done to this victim.  And what he has done to this Rapist.  The victim will forever live with those words and wonder if she could have prevented her own rape.  If she somehow could have stopped him from robbing her of what her life could have been like without rape being a part of it.

    He went on to give the rapist the following advice, “I want you to tell your friends, your male friends, that they have to be far more gentle with women. They have to be far more patient. And they have to be very careful. To protect themselves, they have to be very careful.”

    He acquitted the rapist because he felt his story was more credible.  This has been overturned and this case is set for a new trial.   If you were that 19 year-old rape victim would you go through the ordeal of a trial again?  Saying she was re-victimized in that courtroom by that judge is an understatement.

    The judge is facing removal from the bench.  There are proceedings going on right now.  I am anxious to hear the outcome.  I will be shocked if he is not removed.

    His excuses?  Well, he said that he received little training on sexual assault cases.  He said most of his legal career he handled bankruptcy cases.  He then went on to blame others.  He said that his colleagues knew he had limited knowledge of Canadian law.  He even went so far as to say it was non-existent.

    Let’s ponder for a moment what some offender behaviors look like.  In my experience, they blame others for their behaviors and choices.  In my experience, they express their helplessness in what happened.  In my experience, they minimize the consequences of their choices on their victims.  I am going to leave that right here without any other comments.

    Do you know what else bothers me about this whole scenario? In some news accounts his remarks are referred to as “off-color”.  What does that mean?  They are not off-color.  They are demoralizing.  They are humiliating.  They are victim blaming.

    There are reports that Robin Camp, the Judge in this case has undergone sensitivity training and has apologized publicly several times.  Sensitivity training?  This is not a case of saying something that hurt someone’s feelings.  This is a case of potentially sentencing a victim of rape to a life of self-blame, feelings of unworthiness of protection, of self-destructive behavior…of a life-time of therapy to just process the trauma caused by the judge’s remarks, not even considering the amount of therapy to heal from the original trauma of the rape itself.

    Do you remember the old saying- sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?  Words do hurt.  They leave wounds that are both deep and disfiguring.  They can kill a person’s soul.  Professionals who are charged with upholding the laws and doling out justice have a special and unique power of defining what is acceptable behavior in our society and defining what is of value in our society.  What they say impacts a victim’s recovery and healing.  They should be very careful with their words.  Whether they have specific training in sexual assault — they should have common decency and kindness.

    I am still hoping for better opportunities for healing for victims of sexual assault, but more than that, I am still hoping for a world where a judge advises a rapist that he should not rape a 19 year-old over a sink in a bathroom at a house party.

    I am still hoping for a world where a 19 year-old woman is not responsible for her rapist’s behaviors.