The Children's Advocacy Center of Jackson County

Tag: child abuse survivor

  • Silent promises to my friend, Wendy

    By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

    I have been wanting to write this post for a long time.  I asked the person who is at the heart of this story – twice — if it was okay.  I have sat down hundreds of times trying to get started and was never able to get past the first sentence or two. I have touched on it a time or two in other posts. 

    But it’s time to pay tribute to my friend and own up to my own shortcomings.

    Some of you know that I started my career in child protection in the same very small town that I grew up in and where I graduated high school.  Inherently, that means that I crossed paths with many people that I knew while investigating child abuse cases.  Some impacted me.  And, ironically, the one that impacted me the most was not one that I was investigating. 

    To tell the whole story, I need to go back to the beginning. 

    I don’t know when I first met Wendy, but I know that I have known her more than half my life now.  My first really clear memories were in middle school.  She lived with her brother and her dad.  I never knew what happened to her mom or why she was not in the picture.  She and I talked some, but not a lot.  She and I went to the same church.   I am ashamed to say that I never asked her anything.  I suspect if I did, she and I would have found that we had some things in common — like our dry sense of humor, fierce loyalty, a desire to help people, some insecurities about who we were and dreams of living in places far away from our small hometown.  I also would have found out that we had things that were very different about our lives.

    All during this time, there were rumors or concerns whirling around of Wendy being abused.

    I remember the adults trying to be kind to her.  Looking back at it now, I wonder how that felt.  Being kind does not make the abuse stop. I think that people shied away from Wendy because of believing she was abused.  As if somehow it was “catching”. 

    I remember hearing some of the adults talk about how there was something not right about Wendy’s relationship with her dad.  I didn’t know a lot about abuse when I was in high school.  I was so busy trying to survive, that I doubt I looked around to see anyone else’s struggles. 

    As an adult looking back, I feel guilty.

    We graduated high school.  I went to college.  I am not sure where Wendy went.  She got pregnant in high school during a time that it was not as accepted as it is today.  She gave the baby up for adoption. Some thought that was for the best.  Our worlds went down different paths for a while.  I graduated from college and went back to this same small town to start my career.  I started investigating child abuse reports for the Department of Social Services. 

    I had been there for a couple of years.  I had not run into Wendy. If I am honest, I doubt I thought much about Wendy.  Then one day, I was in the record room at work and came across a file that had her dad’s name on it.  We were purging files.  I had gone in to get more files to start working on. 

    I stared at that file for what seemed like eternity.  Sitting on the shelf.  Wondering what I should do. 

    My eyes starting to sting, and my heart started to race.  I am pretty sure I sobbed.  I couldn’t even bring myself to pull the record off the shelf. I stood there staring at it.  It seemed too intensely personal.   It felt like time had stopped.  I am sure it was only a matter of seconds. 

    My co-worker came in … grabbed the file and went back into the area where we were working.  I pulled myself together and grabbed the next few files and went back to my seat.   My co-worker asked if I was okay.  She said I looked like I was not feeling well.  I pulled myself together and continued working.

    I never read the file.  I never checked to see if there was anything left after we purged some things that the state had decided needed to be destroyed.  While I never read it, I never forgot and would find myself thinking about Wendy from time to time.

    And then Facebook came on scene.  I got a friend request from Wendy.  We reconnected through the world of social media.  I learned that Wendy’s life had not always been easy, but Wendy persevered.

    Wendy was abused. 

    Wendy was physically, sexually, and mentally abused, as well as, chronically neglected as a child. 

    Reports were made, but she never felt safe to tell anyone. They would come to her house to interview her with her Dad in the next room.  She shared with me that she had four different family members abuse her.  It hurts my heart to think about it.  But Wendy was and is resilient.  Wendy made promises to herself and to her children.

    Wendy went to college.  She first got her associates and bachelor’s degree in Psychology and then got her masters in Health Care Management. 

    Wendy did indeed survive her childhood home and has been able to pick up those pieces of herself that were shattered by abuse and put them back together.  She is one of the most resilient people I know.

    I did not know enough to help Wendy when I was a teenager.  When I found out that Wendy had been abused or got confirmation, I replayed a lot of my childhood in my mind. 

    I sat at my computer and cried that I had not been able to help Wendy thirty something years ago.

    I tell this story not to garner sympathy for Wendy or for me.  Not to illustrate my failure to protect or even be a good friend.  I tell this story to show that abuse is out there, and it is close to us.  It always has been.  

    I tell this story because I wonder if there had been a Children’s Advocacy Center to go to, she would have felt safe, and if some of her abuse would have been prevented, and if some of her struggles could have been lightened.

    I felt powerless, frightened and too ignorant on child abuse to intervene way back then, but I have promises to keep…no more excuses. 

    I made it my life’s work to intervene—to do something to stop adults from abusing children.  I never intended to stay in this work for this long.  I had other plans.  However, sitting in a small records room in Louisiana, I was persuaded to continue until I could continue no more. 

    I made some silent promises to Wendy that day. 

    I promised to always make a report if I suspect abuse.  I will never turn away again.  I promised to not be afraid to ask if something doesn’t seem quite right.  I promised never to allow a “whatever happens in the family is not my business” mentality to prevail.  I promised to always intervene on behalf of a child. 

    I have been working and advocating on behalf of abused children for 29 years.  There have been many moments that have inspired me to continue, but they all started with a few silent promises to my friend Wendy. 

    I bet that the majority of you have a Wendy in your life.  Even if you don’t know who they are.  Statistically, there is no way you don’t have a Wendy in your life. 

    I want to ask you to do what you can to keep a child safe.  I want to ask you to make a report to authorities when one needs to be made. 

    You will never regret making a report to keep a child safe, but you may regret not making one.

    Tammi Pitzen

     

  • Cherish a Child Luncheon

    By Theresa Hart. Development Director for The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

    Each year the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County hosts a fundraising luncheon. During these luncheons, guests will receive an update from Tammi Pitzen, CAC Executive Director, about what’s happened at the CAC in the last year.

    They will also hear the story of a survivor and how each person can help the children we serve.

    On October 12th from 12 noon – 1 pm, the CAC will host its 11th Annual Cherish a Child Luncheon at Inn at the Commons. It is our second largest fundraising event.

    I love the luncheon as it provides a look into what we do and inspires people to make a difference in a child’s life. The event is only one hour and lunch is provided. We ask attendees to give what will satisfy their hearts. Attendees may give a one-time gift or a sustaining gift over the next 12 months.

    The theme of this year’s fundraising luncheon is Planting a Seed.

    Attendees will learn how the work we do is planting seeds of healing in the lives of abused children and their families. They will learn about our community partners who are planting seeds of healing and how they too can plant seeds of healing in our community.

    By giving to the CAC, you are planting seeds of healing in a child’s life.

    I’m excited to share that this year’s survivor story will focus on how the seeds of healing were planted in the heart of the mother of an abused child thirty years ago. It is a truly inspiring story that you won’t want to miss.

    What we know is that when an intervention is timely, a child can heal from the abuse and grow up to lead a healthy and fulfilling life. We also know that the families of these victims also have needs. When those families are helped, they will provide a healthy and safe environment for their child to heal.

    Our newly formed Family Support Team provides advocacy and services to the families of victims. Sometimes when a child comes to our Intake Center, their only possessions are the clothes on their backs. That child’s parent may have had to leave their home, and they may have no place to go.

    Because of the generosity of donors, there is a clothes closet where our Family Support Team may pull out an outfit or two for that child. We work with community partners like ACCESS, where there is food available for the family. If they need additional clothing or other items to set up their new home, we will give them a Goodwill Industries voucher to purchase items from one of their stores. We work with other agencies to help these families.

    We are truly grateful for the community partners doing great work to help these families.

    The CAC is a place where children can come to tell the story of their abuse in a loving environment that feels like a home. If they have been injured, they will receive a medical evaluation by a specially trained medical provider.  These head-to-toe evaluations can take two hours or more to perform. During that time, evidence is collected and other medical needs are assessed. Our medical providers give referrals so those additional needs may be addressed. Some of these children have not seen a doctor since they were born.  They also provide assurance to these children that their bodies will heal. These children may also receive a therapy assessment to determine their needs.

    We offer short- and long-term therapy as well as specialized therapy groups for the victims. There is also a Parent Group where the non-offending parent may learn how to care for a child that has been through trauma. The CAC is a place of healing. Your gift will plant seeds of healing and recovery in an abused child’s life. Your gift will help those families to provide a safe and healthy environment for their child to heal.

    Your gift also plants seeds of healing in our community. We partner with The Ford Family Foundation to provide PROTECT OUR CHILDREN child sexual abuse prevention training where adults learn to identify the signs of abuse and are given tools to intervene and to prevent child abuse from happening. During the last two years, we have trained 1100 people Jackson County. We offer monthly trainings at the Medford Library as well as provide trainings at schools, agencies, churches and organizations that work with children. I would encourage anyone who has or works with children or youth to take this training.

    We work closely with community partners who specialize in child abuse. We assist them in planting seeds of healing in the community. We work closely with the Department of Human Services-Child Protection Division (DHS), law enforcement, CASA, Family Nurturing Center, Community Works, the District Attorney’s Office and many more to help in the identification, intervention, prevention, and prosecution of child abuse cases in Jackson County.

    Be inspired. Attend the 11th Annual Cherish A Child Luncheon Thursday, October 12 from 12pm – 1pm at the Inn At the Commons.

    Register for the luncheon and make a gift to the Children’s Advocacy Center. While we do not charge for the luncheon, you will be asked to give a donation of either a one time or sustaining gift to help abused children. Registration is required.

    You may register online at: http://cacjc.org/cherish-a-child-luncheon/or by calling 541-734-5437 at extension 1011.

    Thank you for all you do to plant seeds of healing in the life of children. We are grateful for your ongoing support of abused children in our community. We hope that you will join us at the Cherish a Child Luncheon on October 12th.

  • A Survivor Shares her Story: Why CAC Matters

    A Survivor Shares her Story: Why CAC Matters

     

    This is the inspiring speech presented by Kira Zavala at last year’s 2015 CAC Cherish a Child luncheon. Kira shares her experience as a survivor of child abuse and as a child receiving services from the CAC.

    My name is Kira Zavala. I am a mother, wife, community volunteer, business woman and a survivor of child abuse.

    In 1990 as an 8 year old little girl, I walked through the doors of the Children’s Advocacy Center. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to expect, I didn’t know if people would believe what had happened to me, I didn’t know if I was safe and I didn’t know where my abuser was.

    I had so many questions and I couldn’t find the right words to verbalize my questions. I was living in fear.

    I remember walking into the building of the CAC for the first time and there were so many bright colors and it smelled so fresh and clean. I was seated in a waiting room with my mom and there were all of these really cool toys that I had never had the opportunity to play with before. They helped me to step outside of why I was there for a brief moment and gave me comfort.

    Shortly after a lady greeted me, I said good bye to my mom and the lady walked me into a room that had a big two way mirror. I sat at a table with a piece of paper and coloring crayons. I knew it was time to start talking about what happened. My body got really hot and I began to get restless and scared.

    I started coloring in order to not have to make eye contact with the lady. I remember being so ashamed and embarrassed to have to say it out loud. I felt that if I said it, it would be real and I didn’t want to remember it. But I knew I had to, in order to be safe and in order to not let it happen again to me, my siblings or anyone in my family.

    After a few questions, I began to feel more and more comfortable talking to the interviewer. Once the interview was over, I had a sense of relief. But I didn’t know what was going to happen. The lady assured me that I was going to be safe. I rejoined my mother and we talked about the terrifying possibility of me having to testify in court.

    I was afraid to have to make eye contact with my abuser. I was worried that he might try to hurt me again and in front of everyone. And I questioned, “What if he followed me home?”

    On the day of court I remember being terrified. I again felt that I had done something wrong.

    We first went to the Children’s Advocacy Center before going to the court house. We met in a room and everyone said wonderful things to me. I remember there being a social worker, a lawyer, a sheriff and a member of the CAC. After our meeting one of the ladies came into the room and gave me a light blue box. Inside was a crystal heart. I had never seen one close up. It was beautiful. While inspecting it she told me that I was strong, I was special and that I will grow up to be beautiful. It’s a moment in my life that I will never forget.

    I held the crystal heart in my hand and walked to the court house. I held it as I took my oath and I held it even tighter during my testimony.

    The lady was right! I am strong, I am special and I did grow up to be a beautiful.

    Today, on behalf of 8 year old little Kira, the CAC, their community partners and most importantly the children who have and will walk through the doors of the CAC, WE would like to give you your very own Heart, please take one from the center of your table. As you hold this in your hand, know, as I did, that everyone in this room is STRONG, SPECIAL AND BEAUTIFUL.

    All of the children who come to the Children’s Advocacy Center are STRONG, SPECIAL & BEAUTIFUL.

    Thank you for your support for these children.

    (This year’s Cherish a Child Luncheon is Oct. 20th 2016, 12 noon – 1 pm at Inn at the Commons in Medford, Oregon. For more information, to attend or to be a sponsor, contact Julia at: 541-282-5474 X111)

     

    kira-3
    Kira Zavala

  • “I’ve never been broken” ~ A Survivor’s Story

    By Helen Sutthill, a veterinarian, mother, gardener, and reader — who says she is lucky enough to have wonderful friends and an amazing adoptive family

    For a long time, I didn’t talk about my childhood – the hunger, the lack of clothing, the sexual abuse, the beatings, the constant battering of words meant to tear me down.  Part of this stemmed from the way teachers and the parents of my friends responded to my answers when they asked if I’d eaten or where the bruise or cut came from.

    My parents didn’t have to hide it; we were a middle class, educated family. Abuse and neglect simply didn’t happen in good homes.

    The world changed when I was 15, in 1981, when my best friend told our school counselor, who was a mandatory reporter.  Two social workers, a man and a woman, came and removed me from school, and from my home.  It was awful.

    At that point, I wasn’t speaking because what I needed to say had been denied so long, that I didn’t see the point.  I couldn’t share the back seat with the male social worker because I’d been raped and molested by my father.  Because one of my friend’s father’s had attempted to molest me.  Because my experience of men was that they groped at me.

    Better to avoid.

    So this poor man opened the door to the back seat for me, and I got in.  He walked around the other side of the car, opened the door to the back seat, and I got out.  Repeat this three times with a mute 15-year-old, and even I thought it was funny.

    But I wasn’t getting in that backseat with that man.  He ended up driving, while the woman sat in the back with me.

    That man was a hero.  The woman with him was a hero.  The lawyer that advocated for me was a hero.  The counselor they took me to was a hero.

    When people ask me about my childhood, I’m aware that I have memories that shock and hurt people.  Every counselor wants to explore it.  Being abused means that a lot of people see me as broken.

    I’ve never been broken.  I’ve always been a whole and complete human who has had to live with horrible people, and have experienced some things that no one should have to experience.

    I consider myself incredibly lucky.  Throughout my life, there have been people who saw what was happening, and worked to make sure that I was okay.  A restaurant owner made sure I was safe, fed and clothed when I was a young child.  A teacher who bought me some clothes, and made sure I was fed in elementary school.  My friend got help for me.  Another friend’s parents took me in for the last two years of high school.

    When I go to the grocery store, when I buy clothes for myself, I am aware of how lucky I am to be able to do so.  I can sleep in my bed, and control what happens to my body.  I am safe.