Category: Teens

Are your kids safe at summer camp?
By Leah Howell

I have worked at summer camps for most of my career. I started as a junior camp counselor, and over the course of high school, college, and graduate school found myself drawn to camp program management in the most beautiful of settings. I completed my graduate thesis at a summer camp, and have never regretted contributing the majority of my time and efforts to concepts of leadership development, environmental conservation, and teamwork during these years.

As the past Training Coordinator for a sexual abuse prevention program at the CAC, and learning about prevention as well as the prevalence of sexual abuse, I recognize how inadequate the standard camp measures were in creating a flawlessly safe environment for youth. As Camp Counselors, Program Directors and Camp Administrators, safety was on our radar – we were keenly aware of the dangerous and overtly suspicious situations involving adults and youth. However, looking back over the course of many years working and living at camps, I now more fully recognize the potentially compromising environments that exist in a youth camp setting. Consistent and costly changes to the camp’s physical environment, facilities, organizational processes and staff structures would have been needed to totally eliminate potentially harmful situations. I doubt much has changed in camp standards in the last 15 years.

I do not say all this to scare you, Parents. Camp can be a wonderful enriching experience in a youth’s life. I only say this to communicate how crucial it is for you to get proactively involved to increase the protection of your kids. I advise this not only as they go away to day camp or sleep away camp, but as they interact with organizations of all kinds.

Here is some great advice from Dr. Jackie Humans, on how to best prevent, recognize and react to sexual abuse, which can be applied to all organizations that provide care for your child.

“According to Psychology Today, adolescents account for approximately 50% of all sexual abuse. Unfortunately, summer camp is an ideal place for abusers; in recent years, sexual abuse has occurred at Christian camps, publicly funded camps, Boy Scout camps, and even the camp run by the school President Obama’s daughters attend. While no camp is immune from the possibility of sexual abuse, there are five important steps parents can take to prevent their child from becoming a victim of abuse.
1. Educate about body parts
When teaching your child the names of body parts, use the proper terms for penis, scrotum, vagina and anus. The use of euphemisms can jeopardize your child’s credibility should they someday need to report abuse. Explain that these parts of their body are very private, and that no one should be touching them there unless that person has a legitimate reason (e.g., a pediatrician or early child care provider).

Because every child molester asks their victims to keep the abuse between the two of them, teach your child that it’s never okay to keep a secret (unless it has an ‘expiration’ date, such as a surprise party) and that if someone touches their private parts they need to tell you or another adult (many camps forbid cell phones) immediately; and to keep telling until they get help.

Even if someone just makes them feel uncomfortable or creepy when they’re nearby, they need to report it.

Make it clear that no matter what another child or adult may tell them, they will never get into trouble for reporting.

Lastly, move heaven and earth to make sure that no adult is ever allowed to be alone with your child. The only way abusers can do what they do is by having uninterrupted, private access to a child.
1. Screen the camp
It is important for parents to know that the camp has policies and procedures in place to minimize the risk of sexual abuse. Parents should ask the following questions:

Are criminal background checks (including the sex offenders registry) performed on all personnel? How many references does the camp require, and how does the camp check them?

What training do staff members receive about child sexual abuse?

How are campers made aware of what to do if they feel unsafe?

Under what circumstances are staff members allowed to be alone with a camper? (The answer needs to be: NONE!)

How does the camp monitor behavior of older campers with their younger peers?

Are at least two adult counselors assigned to sleep in each cabin?

Who is responsible for enforcing camp rules and regulations?
1. Recognize potential abusers
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention reported in 2005 that 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are sexually assaulted before the age of 18. The vast majority of abusers (90%) are male, and 71% of the time, the abuser knows the victim.

Whenever someone seems to be overly interested in your child, beware. Camps routinely forbid their counselors to babysit or spend time with campers outside camp precisely because a counselor who has had the opportunity to develop a close relationship with your child is in a position to have an undue amount of influence. Sexual predators tend to be masters at “grooming” their victims by insinuating themselves into their victim’s life and becoming someone the child likes and trusts.

What many parents don’t realize is that almost a third of sexually abused children are victimized by an older child. That’s why it’s important to know what the camp’s policies are regarding how much contact is permitted between different age groups and how well supervised the groups are.
1. Know the warning signs of sexual abuse
Warning signs of sexual abuse in younger children:

Trouble walking or sitting

Precocious awareness of sexual topics

Seductive behavior

Unprecedented shyness about getting undressed

Avoiding a specific individual for no apparent reason

Sleep disturbances

Bedwetting or soiling

Expressing concern about genitalia

Reluctance to go back to camp

Warning signs of sexual abuse in older children:

Unusual interest in or avoidance of sexual topics

Depression or suicidal thoughts

Self-isolation/emotional aloofness

Hostility or aggressive behavior

Secretiveness

Seductive behavior

Sleep disturbances

Substance abuse

Reluctance to go back to camp
1. Know what to do if you suspect abuse
Support your child: Research shows that the single most important factor in a child’s doing well after being abused is the steady emotional support of their parents. First and foremost, keep your true feelings hidden and remain calm and collected. It’s the most courageous and kindest thing you can do for your child.

Explain that abuse is never, ever their fault. Many times victims of child sexual abuse will wait years or decades before revealing what happened, and even then it’s usually only to their therapist. When asked why they never reported the abuse as a child, patients admit that sometimes the sexual stimulation of their genitalia was pleasurable and they always believed this meant the abuse was partially their own fault. That’s why it’s critically important to explain to a child that the abuse is never, ever their fault, not even a little tiny bit, no matter what.

Make sure they know you believe them. Some children never report sexual abuse because they fear they won’t be believed, especially when the abuser is known and trusted by the family. Tell your child you believe them; children rarely lie about having been sexually abused. Acting as though you might doubt your child will only compound the psychological damage sustained from having been abused.

Praise them for sharing. After your child has finished telling you what happened, praise them for confiding in you and let them know you realize it couldn’t have been easy. Then immediately notify the local authorities or call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1.800.4.A.CHILD (1.800.422.4453)

Minimizing the chances of abuse

Child molesters are adept at manipulating their victims into believing that the abuse is the child’s fault, that they won’t be believed if it’s reported, and that they or someone they love will get hurt if abuse gets reported. By letting your child know their private parts are off limits to others and that they will never get in trouble for reporting, that it’s never OK for someone to ask them to keep a “forever” secret, and by not allowing any adult to be alone with your child, you’re making your child far less vulnerable to predators who know how to exploit the naivete of children.

Dr. Jackie Humans is a graduate of the Workplace Bullying Institute, the only organization in the United States that trains individuals how to present anti-bullying programs for bullying in the workplace. She also works with Child Abuse Prevention Services (CAPS), a nonprofit organization that sends volunteers into schools to present programs about keeping kids safe. She is a well-known speaker and program leader on subjects such as bully prevention, Internet safety, sexual harassment, date rape and child abuse, and the author of 15 Ways to ZAP a Bully!
Silent promises to my friend, Wendy

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I have been wanting to write this post for a long time. I asked the person who is at the heart of this story – twice — if it was okay. I have sat down hundreds of times trying to get started and was never able to get past the first sentence or two. I have touched on it a time or two in other posts.

But it’s time to pay tribute to my friend and own up to my own shortcomings.

Some of you know that I started my career in child protection in the same very small town that I grew up in and where I graduated high school. Inherently, that means that I crossed paths with many people that I knew while investigating child abuse cases. Some impacted me. And, ironically, the one that impacted me the most was not one that I was investigating.

To tell the whole story, I need to go back to the beginning.

I don’t know when I first met Wendy, but I know that I have known her more than half my life now. My first really clear memories were in middle school. She lived with her brother and her dad. I never knew what happened to her mom or why she was not in the picture. She and I talked some, but not a lot. She and I went to the same church.   I am ashamed to say that I never asked her anything. I suspect if I did, she and I would have found that we had some things in common — like our dry sense of humor, fierce loyalty, a desire to help people, some insecurities about who we were and dreams of living in places far away from our small hometown. I also would have found out that we had things that were very different about our lives.

All during this time, there were rumors or concerns whirling around of Wendy being abused.

I remember the adults trying to be kind to her. Looking back at it now, I wonder how that felt. Being kind does not make the abuse stop. I think that people shied away from Wendy because of believing she was abused. As if somehow it was “catching”.

I remember hearing some of the adults talk about how there was something not right about Wendy’s relationship with her dad. I didn’t know a lot about abuse when I was in high school. I was so busy trying to survive, that I doubt I looked around to see anyone else’s struggles.

As an adult looking back, I feel guilty.

We graduated high school. I went to college. I am not sure where Wendy went. She got pregnant in high school during a time that it was not as accepted as it is today. She gave the baby up for adoption. Some thought that was for the best. Our worlds went down different paths for a while. I graduated from college and went back to this same small town to start my career. I started investigating child abuse reports for the Department of Social Services.

I had been there for a couple of years. I had not run into Wendy. If I am honest, I doubt I thought much about Wendy. Then one day, I was in the record room at work and came across a file that had her dad’s name on it. We were purging files. I had gone in to get more files to start working on.

I stared at that file for what seemed like eternity. Sitting on the shelf. Wondering what I should do.

My eyes starting to sting, and my heart started to race. I am pretty sure I sobbed. I couldn’t even bring myself to pull the record off the shelf. I stood there staring at it. It seemed too intensely personal.   It felt like time had stopped. I am sure it was only a matter of seconds.

My co-worker came in … grabbed the file and went back into the area where we were working. I pulled myself together and grabbed the next few files and went back to my seat.   My co-worker asked if I was okay. She said I looked like I was not feeling well. I pulled myself together and continued working.

I never read the file. I never checked to see if there was anything left after we purged some things that the state had decided needed to be destroyed. While I never read it, I never forgot and would find myself thinking about Wendy from time to time.

And then Facebook came on scene. I got a friend request from Wendy. We reconnected through the world of social media. I learned that Wendy’s life had not always been easy, but Wendy persevered.

Wendy was abused.

Wendy was physically, sexually, and mentally abused, as well as, chronically neglected as a child.

Reports were made, but she never felt safe to tell anyone. They would come to her house to interview her with her Dad in the next room. She shared with me that she had four different family members abuse her. It hurts my heart to think about it. But Wendy was and is resilient. Wendy made promises to herself and to her children.

Wendy went to college. She first got her associates and bachelor’s degree in Psychology and then got her masters in Health Care Management.

Wendy did indeed survive her childhood home and has been able to pick up those pieces of herself that were shattered by abuse and put them back together. She is one of the most resilient people I know.

I did not know enough to help Wendy when I was a teenager. When I found out that Wendy had been abused or got confirmation, I replayed a lot of my childhood in my mind.

I sat at my computer and cried that I had not been able to help Wendy thirty something years ago.

I tell this story not to garner sympathy for Wendy or for me. Not to illustrate my failure to protect or even be a good friend. I tell this story to show that abuse is out there, and it is close to us. It always has been.

I tell this story because I wonder if there had been a Children’s Advocacy Center to go to, she would have felt safe, and if some of her abuse would have been prevented, and if some of her struggles could have been lightened.

I felt powerless, frightened and too ignorant on child abuse to intervene way back then, but I have promises to keep…no more excuses.

I made it my life’s work to intervene—to do something to stop adults from abusing children. I never intended to stay in this work for this long. I had other plans. However, sitting in a small records room in Louisiana, I was persuaded to continue until I could continue no more.

I made some silent promises to Wendy that day.

I promised to always make a report if I suspect abuse. I will never turn away again. I promised to not be afraid to ask if something doesn’t seem quite right. I promised never to allow a “whatever happens in the family is not my business” mentality to prevail. I promised to always intervene on behalf of a child.

I have been working and advocating on behalf of abused children for 29 years. There have been many moments that have inspired me to continue, but they all started with a few silent promises to my friend Wendy.

I bet that the majority of you have a Wendy in your life. Even if you don’t know who they are. Statistically, there is no way you don’t have a Wendy in your life.

I want to ask you to do what you can to keep a child safe. I want to ask you to make a report to authorities when one needs to be made.

You will never regret making a report to keep a child safe, but you may regret not making one.

Tammi Pitzen
“Jayden” benefits from the Caring for Kids Campaign

By Theresa Hart, Development Director for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

In March, we created three stories of children who have received services in our Medical Department for our Caring for Kids Campaign. These stories were based on real life experiences of children who had received services in our Medical Department. The details of their experiences were altered to protect their identities.

“Jayden’s” story touched me very deeply.

“Jayden” suffered sexual abuse by her mother’s boyfriend. She and her mother were brought to the Children’s Advocacy Center after her mother found her 13-year-old daughter inconsolable upon her return home.

After disclosing the abuse at the Center, Jayden was brought to our Medical Department where she received a head to toe evaluation. Additionally, our in-house pediatrician administered a test for sexually transmitted infections and a pregnancy test. When she left the Center that day, Jayden carried with her a quilt and the assurance that she was healthy and that her body would be okay. Jayden is receiving therapy at the Center and her mother is in treatment for substance abuse.

Jayden was fortunate to have come to the Children’s Advocacy Center where she could receive our specialized medical services, tell the story of her abuse and receive therapy in one child-focused center.

There are many children who have experienced abuse and neglect in the Rogue Valley. The CAC is the only place of its kind In Jackson County. Last year, Jayden was the recipient of one of the more than 200 medical services performed by our Medical Department.

Jayden suffered the kind of abuse we don’t like to talk about.

But here’s the thing, child abuse is a community problem, and it requires a community response. CAC’s partners were involved throughout her story, from law enforcement, DHS, community members, businesses, and other local organizations. The quilt Jayden took home was made by a local church group.

Community members and businesses can partner with us during the Caring for Kids Campaign to support our Medical Department services. These donations go to pay medical staff salaries, equipment, and supplies.

We are recruiting a nurse practitioner to perform additional medical evaluations and services to extend our Medical Department hours to 40 per week. Now more than ever we need community partnerships and support to help us continue our work with abused children.

There’s still time to partner with us during the Caring for Kids campaign. The deadline to make a donation is June 30. To make a difference in a life of other child victims, send your donation to 816 W. 10th Street, Medford, OR 97501.

Thank you.

Theresa Hart
A Father’s Love Can Change the World

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I am definitely my father’s daughter.

I can remember when I was 4 or so, following him around just like his shadow, no matter what he was doing. When he was mowing the lawn, I was right there in his footsteps making every turn, row by row. When he was building stuff out in the carport…you bet I was there with my fingers in my ears. I also remember my Dad making just about everything a game or a story. He used to hide Lifesavers around the house for me and my sister to find. He and I had this running story about Tippy our dog…which as I grew up sounded very much like stories of Snoopy’s adventures.

In my pre-adolescent years, we had a standing date every Saturday night from April to June or so. We would go downtown and watch Little League Baseball games. It didn’t matter really who was playing, but being a small town, we were pretty sure we would know the players. I love baseball to this day; not because of the game but because of those warm humid nights under the lights sitting in an uncomfortable lawn chair with my Dad next me. I don’t care about watching it on T.V. It isn’t about the game.

In high school I can remember more than once my dad wiping my tears after a broken heart—sometimes broken by a “dumb” boy, sometimes broken by my own actions and sometimes broken because life is unfair.

One of my very favorite “Dad” memories was my junior year in high school. My mom must have had something going on…I don’t remember how this fell to him, but he took me to the mall—an hour one way from our town—to shop for a prom dress. I remember that prom being a disaster for me, but I always smile when I think of it because I had the trendiest, prettiest dress featured in Seventeen magazine.

He has been such an important part of guiding me into the person that I am today. I sleep, to this day, with his dog tags lying on my nightstand from his Vietnam days. A symbol for me of determination, courage and survival—reminding me that obstacles are made to be overcome.

I see the importance of a father’s love in my son’s life. I see it in the way he mimics his father’s mannerisms. I hear it when he asks his dad “Did I do good?” after a baseball game or after casting his fishing line. I hear it in his laughter when he and his Dad are playing one of those annoying “boy” games that I don’t understand. I see it in his eyes when they light up when Dad tells him he’s done a good job. I see it when he deflates because Dad reprimanded him for something that he did. I know that he feels protected when his Dad is around because on the, now, rare occasions that his Dad travels without us; he somehow always ends up sleeping with me. No matter what…from leaf blowers (no joke) to sandals, “I want, fill in the blank, just like Dad’s!”

Sigmund Freud stated the strongest need in childhood is a father’s protection. There is research out there that says that children with involved fathers have a social and academic advantage over their counterparts whose dads are absent.

There is some evidence that a child’s primary relationship with his/her father can affect all of their future relationships from cradle to death. The early patterns of interaction with their father are the very patterns that will be replayed in future relationships. These patterns impact not only a child’s idea of who they are and how they relate to others, but also defines what is considered acceptable and loving when it comes to relationships for the child, throughout life.

Don’t believe it? Well there is a ton of research out there these days that back up these ideas—google it.

It makes sense to me. As a mom I don’t feel like believing this diminishes my role in my child’s life.

In a world that has historically always made an emphasis on how important our relationship with our mom is, this does shine some light on the role Dad’s play in the life of their children. Also, let’s be real, it takes some pressure off us moms! Not everything is our fault!

On this Father’s Day, I wish my Dad a very happy Father’s Day. Thank you for always being there to wipe my tears, to buy me dinner on my birthday, and to teach me about integrity, courage, perseverance, and to teach me about love. I wish my husband and my son’s father, a spectacular day! Thanks for helping to create and mold the most amazing little boy I have ever met.

On this Father’s Day I wish all the Dad’s or Dad substitutes out there, a very happy Father’s Day filled with all things spectacular! Your presence in the lives of our children is life changing! Your love, your participation, your guidance in the lives of our children is what is going to make a difference in the world we live in.

Tammi Pitzen
Child Abuse Case Plays Out on the National Stage

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

It is not often that a child abuse case plays out on the national stage. However, last week, we had one play out. The young lady who was kidnapped by her teacher was found and rescued.

Please note the language used here. Kidnapped. Rescued. Keep those words in your mind as you read the rest of this blog post.

To fill in those who have not tuned into this story, a 15 year old girl was kidnapped by teacher, Tad Cummings. They were on the run for about a month before the FBI located them in Siskiyou County at a remote cabin.

Since she was found, I have been asked many times about what a parent can do to prevent this from happening — what the signs are to look for, and I have been questioned about whether she was in a relationship or was she really kidnapped.

I want to start off by saying that anything that happens between a child and an adult — the adult is responsible.

There is a power differential between a child and an adult. The adult always holds power. This power differential is even greater when that adult is a teacher or a person in a position of authority or trust. In some regards, it is the same power and control that you hear about in domestic violence. The offender has all the power and control. The victim has none. What happens is similar to what happens when someone is “gaslighting”. The victim’s reality is whatever the offender tells her it is. The offender is able to accomplish this through “grooming” behaviors. It does not happen overnight. There is a process.

Of course, here is where I insert the disclaimer. I don’t have personal knowledge of what has happened in this case. I am basing my opinions on what information is out in the news, which may or may not be accurate. Also, he is innocent until proven guilty. And, of course, she is not accused of anything–so blameless.

Let’s look at what has been reported. The victim’s sister says that she is vulnerable because she had been the victim of bullying. His sister says he was trying to keep her safe. She was going to run away and so he needed to go with her so she wouldn’t be alone.

He packed medication for erectile dysfunction, handguns and $4,500 he had just received through a loan. He told his wife he needed to go to Virginia to clear his head. Now right off the bat I need to clarify what I see as thinking errors (others would call it the things we tell ourselves to convince ourselves and others that what we are doing is actually a noble deed or something that we had no control over—either is a good way to look at it.) Google “sex offender thinking errors” for a better description.

1) If a teen is going to run away, an adult male’s first response is not to run away with her. A rational person would contact the child’s parent, another school official, or perhaps — if the school has one — a school resource officer.

2) Erectile dysfunction medication is not for a life threatening condition (as in your health would not be in jeopardy if you do not take them) and is useless in keeping teenage girls safe.

3) Married adult men do not lie to their wives about their intentions if they are not improper. I am sure there are many, many more of these, but I just want to give you a few to think about as you are deciding what your thoughts and opinions are about this case.

Let’s move on to whether or not the victim is to blame and what exactly is her crime.

She was vulnerable because of being bullied. She trusted an adult who made her feel special. When you are bullied, you begin to experience low self-esteem and do not feel you have value. As a 15-year-old bullied girl, it would be very uplifting to know that an adult male found value in you. If you are good at grooming, you will be able to convince said teen that not only do you think they have value, but that you are the best thing that has ever happened in their life.

I also read that there was a restraining order granted that would prohibit the victim’s mom from having contact with her. Another thing that victim did wrong was to have a mother who had been physically abusive in the past and to have a court find that it would be detrimental for the victim to have contact with her mother at this time.

All sarcasm aside. Offenders target children who have low self-esteem, have disrupted or strained relationships with one or both parents and who may have strained or non-existent peer relationships. It is so much easier to manipulate the victim if they do not have open communication with anyone outside the offender. And yes, he is an alleged offender. As she is a child, she is unable to consent to a relationship with an adult–that is what the law says. The age of consent in Tennessee is 18, in Oklahoma it is 16 and in California it is 18—according to my online research. Basically, as a 15-year-old in all three states that we know he took her to, she was unable to consent to having a sexual relationship with the alleged offender.

No matter whether it turns out that the two of them had any sexual contact, it was illegal. AND the ADULT is responsible. So yes, he is an alleged sex offender. Yes. She is a victim of child sexual assault or whatever term those state’s statutes use for that event. NO! She is not to blame.

The conversation needs to be changed to help those out there who may be listening who have not yet found safety—who have not yet reported.

If you or those around you are blaming the child…other children who may be in similar situations will not report. It isn’t safe. The conversation needs to shift from victim blaming, to what is it we all can do to help create a safe environment for children to report and find safety and heal.

The conversation needs to change from what can parents look for if their child is at risk, to how can a parent be engaged throughout a child’s life. We know that nurturing needs to begin early in life. We know that safety needs should be met early in life. The best way to reduce the risk that your child will become a victim is to have dinner as a family, to keep communication open, to establish early on that — no matter what your child tells you – you will always love them, keep them safe, advocate for them — be there for them.

We know that starting these conversations during the teen years is not as effective as starting them when they are 3 or younger. The best way to safeguard your child against sexual abuse is to be present in their life…know who their friends are…who their friend’s parents are… who their teachers are and to model healthy and appropriate relationships for your child.

Is it too late to start if your child is already a teen? No way! But own up to the fact that you are starting the conversation late. Your child will appreciate the fact that you realize this. Follow through…if you tell them they can tell you anything…then be open and let them tell you anything and try to not respond with anger, disappointment, or judgment.

Finally, put all would-be offenders on notice that you are watching.

If an adult is spending too much alone time with your child…ask them why and put a stop to it. If someone is crossing boundaries that you recognize should not be crossed…call them out on it. If you haven’t met the people your child is hanging out with or if they are always “meeting” them places instead of letting you get to know their friends…put a stop to it.

Grooming is a real thing.

Learn about it. Take a class. The CAC teaches adults to recognize and respond to sexual abuse. Enroll in a Protect Our Children class by visiting our website at http://cacjc.org/services/prevention/
How reporting abuse saved a boy’s life

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I worry that children who face trauma inflicted on them by their parent or trusted adult might never become inspired, but stay defeated.

When I was a case worker, I would often wonder why some children who suffer enormous abuse go on and accomplish great things and others spiral into self-destruction or destruction of others. If you lined up two case records next to each other…they may read the same, but have very different outcomes for the children.

I once asked one of the young people I worked with, who not only survived in the aftermath of his abuse — but thrived, why was it that he did so well when others in similar circumstances did not.

I really didn’t expect an answer. It was a deep discussion we were having over pizza after his 8^th grade graduation. He looked at me shrugged and didn’t answer at first. I had attended the ceremony and we were out celebrating his accomplishment. They had sung a song at their graduation. Maybe some of you remember this song, “I Believe I Can Fly”. It was corny. It was expected. It was what you did at eighth grade graduation ceremonies.

He fidgeted a bit. He dropped his eyes. I smiled at him in the awkwardness. I went on to tell him I knew he was going to do great things. I didn’t mean to put him on the spot. I let him know I just wanted to know what could be different for those kids who aren’t doing okay, who are in similar situations. I apologized for making him feel uncomfortable.

He slowly began to talk and I got very quiet and listened intently. He told me that he didn’t feel like he was doing okay. He was surviving. He was focused on getting through. He told me he felt like a fake because, when he sang with his classmates, he didn’t believe he could fly.

I actually fought back my tears in order to keep this conversation with this young man going without distracting him with my own feelings…in my head questioning why I ever started this conversation. We sat in silence a little longer eating pizza. He looked at me and he said he thought the difference…the thing that made him different was that someone thought he was worth it. I smiled. I actually for a moment thought he was talking about me. I thought he was talking about that I thought he was worth it. I was young and still full of ego.

He went on to explain that whoever called in his abuse saved his life.

If they didn’t save him from being beaten to death, they surely saved him from ending his life prematurely. He told me he had no idea who it was. He talked about how if someone took the time to save him, then he felt like there must have been something worth saving. The only way he knew to repay that debt was to move on and do something with his life. He said he only had two choices: to begin to believe in himself or to totally come undone.

We left that pizza parlor with the radio blasting, singing “I Believe I Can Fly” at the top of our lungs. I am sure that was a sight to see and probably worse to hear.

I took him back to his foster home. Not long after that, I think he went to live with a relative. I moved on to another case and another child, but not before reading through his file to see who had made the report.

It was a teacher.

It was a teacher that I had met that day at the graduation. According to the report, the teacher had actually made two other reports that didn’t get assigned, before the final concern that led to this child being removed.

I reached out to that teacher to thank her for making the report. I wanted her to know that her phone call saved a life. While talking to her on the phone, she burst into tears. She asked me which child I was talking about. She had made a dozen calls dealing with dozens of children during the school year.

I told her I had made a mistake. She had saved a dozen lives.

I could hear her releasing her breath very slow and could hear a small sob on the other end of the line. She quietly said thank you and then went on to relate a story of how a colleague always tried to talk her out of making those calls. The argument was always that kids want to stay with their parents, kids won’t talk anyway, you don’t want to ruin a life by making a mistake…all the familiar reasons.

I encouraged her to always make that calls. To make it because her students mattered. To make the call because abuse victims suffer in silence and need someone to stand up on their behalf. To make that call because they need to know they are worth the ten minutes it might take to make a report.

What is the take away?

As April’s Child Abuse Awareness/Prevention month draws near — remember that every child counts.

Remember that your call may save a life. If you suspect abuse report it.

Every child is worth it.
Judge blames rape victim for not “keeping her knees together”

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

That day is not today.

Remember in my last blog that I yearned for a tomorrow where people understood trauma and what consent is? Well, after reading a story in the news and doing a little research on that story…that day is definitely not today!

A judge in Canada is facing removal from the bench for his conduct when he asked a woman in a rape case why she couldn’t “just keep her knees together.” Yes, let that sink in for a minute. Think about how those five words uttered by a man charged with upholding justice will impact the young rape victim he was speaking to in open court. She is 19. Imagine being 19 and being raped in a bathroom over a sink and then the judge presiding over your case basically tells you that you could have prevented this if you would have just kept your knees together, or if you would have pushed your bottom to the sink he would not have been able to penetrate you.

Please take a minute and re-read that last part and fully appreciate what he has done to this victim. And what he has done to this Rapist. The victim will forever live with those words and wonder if she could have prevented her own rape. If she somehow could have stopped him from robbing her of what her life could have been like without rape being a part of it.

He went on to give the rapist the following advice, “I want you to tell your friends, your male friends, that they have to be far more gentle with women. They have to be far more patient. And they have to be very careful. To protect themselves, they have to be very careful.”

He acquitted the rapist because he felt his story was more credible. This has been overturned and this case is set for a new trial. If you were that 19 year-old rape victim would you go through the ordeal of a trial again? Saying she was re-victimized in that courtroom by that judge is an understatement.

The judge is facing removal from the bench. There are proceedings going on right now. I am anxious to hear the outcome. I will be shocked if he is not removed.

His excuses? Well, he said that he received little training on sexual assault cases. He said most of his legal career he handled bankruptcy cases. He then went on to blame others. He said that his colleagues knew he had limited knowledge of Canadian law. He even went so far as to say it was non-existent.

Let’s ponder for a moment what some offender behaviors look like. In my experience, they blame others for their behaviors and choices. In my experience, they express their helplessness in what happened. In my experience, they minimize the consequences of their choices on their victims. I am going to leave that right here without any other comments.

Do you know what else bothers me about this whole scenario? In some news accounts his remarks are referred to as “off-color”. What does that mean? They are not off-color. They are demoralizing. They are humiliating. They are victim blaming.

There are reports that Robin Camp, the Judge in this case has undergone sensitivity training and has apologized publicly several times. Sensitivity training? This is not a case of saying something that hurt someone’s feelings. This is a case of potentially sentencing a victim of rape to a life of self-blame, feelings of unworthiness of protection, of self-destructive behavior…of a life-time of therapy to just process the trauma caused by the judge’s remarks, not even considering the amount of therapy to heal from the original trauma of the rape itself.

Do you remember the old saying- sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? Words do hurt. They leave wounds that are both deep and disfiguring. They can kill a person’s soul. Professionals who are charged with upholding the laws and doling out justice have a special and unique power of defining what is acceptable behavior in our society and defining what is of value in our society. What they say impacts a victim’s recovery and healing. They should be very careful with their words. Whether they have specific training in sexual assault — they should have common decency and kindness.

I am still hoping for better opportunities for healing for victims of sexual assault, but more than that, I am still hoping for a world where a judge advises a rapist that he should not rape a 19 year-old over a sink in a bathroom at a house party.

I am still hoping for a world where a 19 year-old woman is not responsible for her rapist’s behaviors.
Good News: High school freshman making a difference

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

My faith in humanity has been restored.

I have to be honest. I have been struggling the last couple of weeks. I have been struggling to reconcile the violence, the hatred, the arguing, the shaming, and the lack of empathy that plays out every day on the news with the vision of the world I have in my heart…the one I want my son to grow up in and be a part of.

It had left me in a major funk! Not quite depressed but unable to shake the hopelessness. Just when I thought it was going to take over and change this glass half full girl’s outlook, something wonderful happened and it totally snapped me out of it.

The something that happened was dreamed up by a 14 year old high school freshman. There is STILL good in this world. There are young people who care about the world around them. This weekend I witnessed it. A young man named Milan help restore my faith in humanity.

Last weekend was an event that was the culmination of a lot of hard work by Milan to put on a fun, free event that could raise awareness about Child Abuse and the services provided by the Children’s Advocacy Center. It was the Impact Soccer Clinic.

I spent that morning surrounded by 47 smiling children having the time of their life — learning new soccer skills from three awesome coaches who donated their time. I spent the morning watching parents and grandparents cheering on their budding soccer stars. I spent the morning being overwhelmed and humbled by the generosity of these families. The Impact Soccer Clinic was a free event however, if you had the means to put a donation in the jar, that was encouraged.

Milan loves to play soccer. AND he wants to make a difference in the community he lives in and for the children who suffer abuse. He decided to bring these two passions together and the end result was this wonderful event.

I was able to witness empathy and passion and a desire to leave the world a better place.

I was able to see a young man and his family do something wonderful for the community we live in.

Hope comes from the most unlikely places; you have only to be open to it. My hope for our world to recover comes in the form of a 14 year old young man who wants to make the world a better place. I believe he will do that.

I think he already has.

Visit our Facebook Page album for more pictures from Impact Soccer Clinic
“I’ve never been broken” ~ A Survivor’s Story

By Helen Sutthill, a veterinarian, mother, gardener, and reader — who says she is lucky enough to have wonderful friends and an amazing adoptive family

For a long time, I didn’t talk about my childhood – the hunger, the lack of clothing, the sexual abuse, the beatings, the constant battering of words meant to tear me down. Part of this stemmed from the way teachers and the parents of my friends responded to my answers when they asked if I’d eaten or where the bruise or cut came from.

My parents didn’t have to hide it; we were a middle class, educated family. Abuse and neglect simply didn’t happen in good homes.

The world changed when I was 15, in 1981, when my best friend told our school counselor, who was a mandatory reporter. Two social workers, a man and a woman, came and removed me from school, and from my home. It was awful.

At that point, I wasn’t speaking because what I needed to say had been denied so long, that I didn’t see the point. I couldn’t share the back seat with the male social worker because I’d been raped and molested by my father. Because one of my friend’s father’s had attempted to molest me. Because my experience of men was that they groped at me.

Better to avoid.

So this poor man opened the door to the back seat for me, and I got in. He walked around the other side of the car, opened the door to the back seat, and I got out. Repeat this three times with a mute 15-year-old, and even I thought it was funny.

But I wasn’t getting in that backseat with that man. He ended up driving, while the woman sat in the back with me.

That man was a hero. The woman with him was a hero. The lawyer that advocated for me was a hero. The counselor they took me to was a hero.

When people ask me about my childhood, I’m aware that I have memories that shock and hurt people. Every counselor wants to explore it. Being abused means that a lot of people see me as broken.

I’ve never been broken. I’ve always been a whole and complete human who has had to live with horrible people, and have experienced some things that no one should have to experience.

I consider myself incredibly lucky. Throughout my life, there have been people who saw what was happening, and worked to make sure that I was okay. A restaurant owner made sure I was safe, fed and clothed when I was a young child. A teacher who bought me some clothes, and made sure I was fed in elementary school. My friend got help for me. Another friend’s parents took me in for the last two years of high school.

When I go to the grocery store, when I buy clothes for myself, I am aware of how lucky I am to be able to do so. I can sleep in my bed, and control what happens to my body. I am safe.
Parenting Teens: A Mom’s Story

By Ginny Sagal, Communication and Outreach Coordinator at the Children’s Advocacy Center

Since starting my job as Communication and Outreach Coordinator at CAC, I have had some thoughts about my parenting. Being an older mom with twins has been a wonderful journey. When they were little I would be very careful where they went for play dates, and who was going to be at the house. I knew it was my job to protect them. That was some time ago.

As a parent of teenagers ready to go off to college in a year and a half, things are much different than when they were little. No more play dates as they all seem to communicate with their friends on the internet. I will walk into my son’s room only to find that he is online playing a game with five of his friends. The new generation spends much time communicating with their peers online and texting.

I am happy that when I do go into my son’s or daughter’s rooms that they can share with me what they are doing and have no secrets. When they are on FaceTime their friends get to see me and I get to see who they are. Communication is very important with teenagers. It is important to let them know that you care and that you give them their space, but also that you are there for them if they need you. You are their protector.

I know with the parenting I have done, they will make good choices about who they will choose to be friends with and groups they will be part of once they get to college. Protecting our children comes from good parenting and communication with your children.

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. Every child is special and needs our care and protection. With good parenting tools we can contribute to a safer community for our children.