Category: Prevention of Child Abuse

All Adults are KEY to protecting our children from abuse
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

April is Child Abuse Awareness month. I want to use this opportunity to talk to you about the unvarnished and raw truth about child abuse.

Generally, people do not like to talk about it. I have been in meetings where we are talking about events for child abuse awareness and people do not want to talk about the non-sugar-coated version of this public health issue. It isn’t because people do not care. I think it is because it is overwhelming. I think it is because if you only look at the statistics and not the things you can do to prevent or intervene in abuse…. it is downright depressing.

Here is the harsh reality….
- 1 in 10 children will be sexually abused before their 18^th birthday. In an average classroom in the United States there are somewhere between 20 to 30 students. That means in every classroom there are two to three children who have been sexually abused or who will be sexually abused
- In our country, between 4 and 5 children every day die from child abuse or neglect. That seems so high in a country as advanced as ours.
- In Jackson County in 2017 (the latest information that has been released) we have 850 confirmed victims of child abuse.
- In the state of Oregon in 2017 there were 30 children who died as a result of abuse or neglect.
- We all want to believe (and I am right there with you all) that child abuse does not happen in our community, in our circle of friends or in our family. But the statistics tell a different story. There are reports made. There are investigations initiated. AND there are reports found to be true and backed up by evidence.
Do you read those numbers and feel the same sense of urgency that I do to intervene…. to be a catalyst of change…. to be part of the tipping point?

These numbers are not just statistics. They are children. Every single number represents a child.

You may be asking yourself…. what can one person do? I am so glad you asked.

We are the key to protection for children. All of us. Singularly and in groups. We. Together. We are the solution.

Here are some things that any of us can do to help prevent child abuse:
1. You can take a class through the CAC’s Protect Our Children program to learn to recognize and respond to child sexual abuse.
2. You can support the prevention efforts of your local CAC by donating precious time or financial support to their prevention programs.
3. You can become a foster parent. While this is not primary prevention…. it certainly helps to break the cycle of abuse if we have good, stable, safe, homes to place children when they cannot remain at home.
4. You can smile at a stressed-out Mom or Dad who is yelling or not treating a child in a way that is appropriate. And tell them what a beautiful child they have. Believe it or not, it works. I have tried this and, on occasion, the situation de-escalates pretty quickly.
5. You can listen to and treat with respect your own children.
6. You can talk to your children — both those who were born to you and those who are in your life — about body safety, about consent, and about what “no” means.
7. You can be present in your child’s life by knowing who is in his/her life and setting rules about who can have access to him/her.
8. Become a volunteer facilitator for the CAC Protect Our Children program.
9. Do not be a bystander when you see a child being hurt or mistreated. Make a report.
10. If a child says that someone is hurting them, respond by making a report, by reassuring them, by believing them, and by thanking them for trusting you.
11. Get involved with the issue. Volunteer at the CAC. Volunteer at another child serving agency.
12. TALK ABOUT ABUSE. Break the silence.
13. Stop stigmatizing the issue and the children that are at the heart of the issue. If a child could make it stop…. they would. The issues lie with the adults and not with the child.
14. If you see a child that is disruptive and not pleasant to be around, remember that they may just be trying to survive. Offer them kindness instead of judgement.
15. Be present in your child’s life.
If you want to get involved by volunteering at the CAC either in our programming, as a facilitator of Protect Our Children or in support of Protect Our Children classes, please contact Danae Crawford, our Volunteer Coordinator at 541-734-5437 Ext. 1013.

Tammi Pitzen
Usted podría ser la única esperanza
By Claudia Cervantes, Bilingual Program Coordinator for the Protect Our Children Project

Usted podría ser la única esperanza en la vida de un niño.

Por cada 10 niños hay uno que es abusado antes de cumplir los 18 años, y usted podría ser su única esperanza si toma el tiempo para leer este artículo. Hay muchos niños que callan el abuso por miedo, por vergüenza o porque no entienden que es lo que está pasando. Pero eso puede cambiar si los adultos que rodeamos a los niños estamos entrenados para protegerlos. En el artículo anterior hable de los dos primeros pasos a tomar en la prevención del abuso sexual infantil, en este artículo comparto los últimos tres pasos:

PASO 3: Hable abiertamente:

Tenga una conversación abierta con sus hijos sobre sus cuerpos, su sexualidad y los límites.
- El ofensor, normalmente trata de confundir a su víctima, el niño, sobre lo que es correcto e incorrecto. Lo hace sentir avergonzado, culpable o le dice que sus padres se van a enojar. Además, Algunos niños son demasiado pequeños para entender.
Hablar con nuestros hijos sobre su sexualidad y nombrar las partes de su cuerpo por su nombre, enseñarles que su cuerpo es privado y nadie debe de tocarlo de una forma que se sienta incómoda, es todo ello información poderosa para protegerlos y prepararlos para hablar en caso de que algo les pase..

PASO 4: Reconozca los síntomas:

Conozca las señales que podrían presentarse en niños abusados.
- Moretones, sangrados, erupciones, enrojecimientos en la piel, golpes o costras especialmente en los genitales.
- Infecciones urinarias.
- Enfermedades de transmisión sexual.
- Defecación anormal.
- Dolor de estómago crónico, dolores de cabeza o otras dolencias que no tienen explicación médica.
PASO 5: Actúe responsablemente:

Comprenda cómo responder a los comportamientos riesgosos y sospechas o reporte el abuso.
- Hay 3 razones por las que es necesario reaccionar al abuso sexual:
- Un niño nos lo confiesa.
- Lo descubrimos por nosotros mismos.
- Tenemos razones para sospechar.
No dude en llamar a los servicios locales de salud, si sospecha de abuso. Recuerde que usted puede salvar a un niño.

Todos los informes de abuso deben hacerse al DHS o a la policía. NO NOS LLAME PARA INFORMAR SOBRE EL ABUSO DE NIÑOS.

Departamento de Servicios Humanos (DHS)

Medford DHS:

727 Medford Center

Medford, OR 97504-6772

(541) 858-3197

(866) 840-2741

Para preguntas y respuestas sobre denuncias de abuso y negligencia:https://www.oregon.gov/…/CHILDREN/CHILD-ABUSE/Pages/CPS.aspx

Para un entrenamiento Gratuito, visite: https://cacjc.org/entrenamientos/

Claudia Cervantes
Does child abuse happen in our state? In Jackson County?
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

April is child abuse prevention/awareness month. This is my traditional April Blog recognizing and focusing on the problem of child abuse.

I was doing a little research to see what was going on in the world of child abuse. I found a page on the internet that is nothing but stories of child abuse. They are all true. They are all recent. They are all heartbreaking.

One tells of a child whose father found out she was having sex and so, as punishment, forced her to become a prostitute at a truck stop. There are stories of child fatalities; there are stories of parents beating their children. It is quite disturbing. It is a true crime website. I was simply looking for some compelling story to blog about and found a whole site. All from 2017.

Some will say that those horrible things do not happen in Oregon. Those things happen in other countries or other parts of this country. Sadly, this is not accurate.

There were 964 children abused in Jackson County in 2016. In the state of Oregon, there were 27 child abuse fatalities. 21 of those were perpetrated by a parent or parent figure. All 27 of the children who died knew their abuser. We call it child abuse fatalities, and as awful as that sounds, it does not sound as awful as murder. We look for words that are softer to describe these heinous acts.

Child abuse happens in Oregon. Child abuse happens in Jackson County.

The foster parent shortage that has been reported on is not just in other parts of the state. It is here in our county as well.

This is not someone else’s problem. It is ours. The problem has been long established. What isn’t as clear, is the solution.

How do we make a meaningful impact? Where is the catchy child abuse slogan? You know…like the “War on Drugs” or “No Child Left Behind”. Where is the rally cry to help keep kids safe from the dangers that lurk within their own homes?

People who work in the field of child abuse; particularly those who work in prevention, joke about “working themselves out of a job” and “putting the CAC out of business”. It is a good goal. But where is the rally cry? These of course are rhetorical questions. Unless you have an actual answer. Then I am all ears!

There are things that you can do all year long…..long after April has ended. You can:
- Find an agency that helps to protect children and support them in any way you can. If you can’t donate money, then donate time and talent. Nonprofit agencies are quite adept at leveraging whatever your gift is, with other gifts, to create the biggest impact.
- If you suspect abuse, make a report–even if it feels uncomfortable or even if you are unsure. The professionals will figure it out. You don’t have to figure it out.
- Not sure what abuse looks like? Take a training on recognizing abuse. The CAC of Jackson County offers several opportunities, either through our Protect Our Children program or through other offerings such as Responding to Allegations of Child Maltreatment offered this May. Register here: https://tinyurl.com/kwm6qx5
- Do you see a mom or a dad struggling? Offer to help.
- Let your legislative representatives know that children and child abuse is a priority for you and you want it to be their priority as well—both at the state and federal level.
- You can change the conversation from “Why didn’t she tell?” to “Why did he do that?”
- You can become a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) and learn how to advocate for children in the foster care system. We have hundreds of children on a waiting list right now who need an advocate.
- You can teach your children, your grandchildren, your nieces and nephews, your neighbor’s child — all the children in your life — who is allowed to touch what part of their bodies and under what circumstance.
- You can tell the adults in your life that your child is off limits by being present, by asking the right questions, and by staying in tuned and attentive to your child. If an offender knows you are watching and vigilant, it makes your child less accessible to them.
You can STOP saying Not My Child; Not My Problem.
Change for Children: Our 3 Agency Collaborative Brainchild
By Jennifer Mylenek, Executive Director of CASA of Jackson and Josephine Counties

The month of April represents Child Abuse Awareness, which helps shine a spotlight on the tragic circumstances of hundreds of thousands of abused and/or neglected children in the U.S. It is also a month in which I’m honored to be a part of a rich collaborative of child-serving agencies that have joined together to raise awareness and funds to support our strong linkage of services provided to abused children in Jackson County.

The Children’s Advocacy Center, CASA of Jackson County, and The Family Nurturing Center are three cornerstone non-profit agencies that support the needs of marginalized, abused, and/or neglected children in various ways with the common goal of ensuring every child can be safe from harm, thrive in a stable/loving home, have equal educational opportunities, and heal from abuse.

The three agencies are led by strong and experienced Executive Directors who realized that together, we can do much more for our children.

Working across agencies has always been our practice when we have shared child clients, but April brought us together in a bigger way. The subject of child abuse awareness is challenging to promote. Most people would rather turn away than accept that it is going on in our county in an epidemic-like fashion.

We knew we could raise more awareness with the larger footprint of our three agencies shining a coordinated light.

Change for Children was our brainchild and began last April in a small way. Today we have seen a significant surge in community support and with our combined staff pitching in to raise the flag on child abuse, much is getting done. Not to mention we found we all work really well together!

I think you’ll agree that recognizing there’s a problem is the first step toward solving the problem, but stepping in to be part of the solution will lift your spirits to new heights, I guarantee it.
- You can help by simply eating out at the establishments supporting us below
- You can volunteer at one or more of our three agencies: CAC, CASA, Family Nurturing Center
- You can sign up for the PROTECT OUR CHILDREN training to learn how to prevent child abuse
- You can look into becoming a foster parent
- You can thank our thoughtful sponsors by supporting their businesses
- You can text C4C to 71777 to make a donation which will be shared by our three agencies
If you’re already helping a child or children in some way, thank you.

There is no greater gift than to see a smile on a child’s face or to know you made a positive difference in their life.
It’s 32 Degrees and this Child is Wearing Flip Flops

By Ginny Sagal, Communication & Outreach Coordinator, The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

When I was working at the schools teaching science, I saw a lot: Watching when the seasons changed who was wearing flip flops when the temperature was 32 degrees. Which child would come to school without a jacket and wearing shorts and a short sleeve t-shirt? I was watching for the ones who had no snack at recess time.   Who was the one child who was always losing his or her homework because he or she did not have a backpack?

It was very clear to me that I had a job as a teacher, advocate and protector of the children.

I had kids sometimes come up to me and ask me who was going to pick them up that day — I was also the bus lady – or at whose house were they going to stay for the weekend. Yes, they were given a breakfast and lunch at school provided by the school administration, but were they going to get dinner and where were they going to sleep at night?

The acting out in class sometimes would be the fear of the unknown or some dark secret they were keeping. I was their protector watching and observing them. I was able to give my supervisor the information they needed so that a child could get the help and services they needed and deserved.

At the CAC, I am a protector of the children by reaching out to others to get engaged in our efforts to prevent child abuse.

This month is Child Abuse Prevention and Awareness Month. Let’s all be protectors of the children. Let’s all remember that:

·        ALL CHILDREN NEED TO BE PROTECTED

·        ALL CHILDREN NEED FOOD AND SHELTER

·        ALL CHILDREN NEED KIND AND UNDERSTANDING ADULTS IN THEIR LIVES

For more about April’s Child Abuse Prevention and Awareness Month and local activities, visit: http://cacjc.org/child-abuse-prevention-month/
The tragedy of Victoria Martens we must prevent in the future

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

Today I am sitting in my office trying to get caught up after the big snow fall in Medford. The office is officially closed in observance of Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It is very quiet and peaceful here.

I have been reading about a case out of New Mexico of some pretty horrific abuse. Maybe you have read about it? It caught my attention on Facebook on a friend’s feed. I remember hearing a little bit about this case earlier in the investigation.

The child was ten years old and named Victoria Martens.

She was sexually abused and killed by her Mother’s boyfriend and his cousin while the mom watched. I would not advise researching for more information on this case, as most of the reports I have read have been pretty graphic and pretty horrific.

Most of my career in child protection I have categorized parents in two categories. There are those who do the best they can and that just isn’t good enough to keep their kids healthy and safe, so their children are abused. These parents have the ability to learn and have the desire to do so. These parents are the parents that when their children are removed from their care, they are usually returned after a treatment plan. Or maybe the children are left in their care with a treatment plan.

Then there are the parents I say are, well, just “mean” parents. It appears from the articles that I have read that Victoria unfortunately had a “mean” mom. These are the parents that are somewhat sadistic and are just cruel. I will admit that I do not know the truth of what happened and I am making judgements based on what I have read in the news article.

There among the news reports on the case is an interview with the Mother’s parents. The case reports state that the Mom watched her current boyfriend, and two other men before that, have sex with her daughter for her own sexual gratification. (I wasn’t kidding when I said the reports were graphic…they are disturbing even to me after many years of hearing these kinds of stories.) There are reports that she watched two people give her daughter, who was ten years-old, meth in order to calm her down so they could have sex with her.

Victoria’s grandparents say that the child never said anything and appeared to be happy. A friend and neighbor of the mom states, “I know Victoria is in heaven saying forgive my mom.” The grandparents agree. The grandparents report that their daughter loved her children and was a hard working single mother.

If that is the case, then that leaves the rest of us to ask what went wrong. What can we learn from this in order to prevent it in the future?

I need to know, even though I do not know Victoria, that she did not die for her mom’s, and the others allegedly involved, own perverted reasons. I need to know we, as in the global we, can do better for the Victorias in the world.

I have poured over the news reports in this case. My heart hurts. I cry not understanding how this happens. I compare it to my own life. What would have to happen in my life that I would find myself there and allow this to happen to ANY one’s child. I can come up with no scenarios.

My only hope is that most people in this world are made up of a moral fiber that does not allow for events to happen that would end in this result for a child. For any child.

Everyone one interviewed, or at least that I could find to read, stated that there were no signs that this was going on. The child seemed happy. Mom is described as a hard working single mom.

I wonder how many people in this child’s life had any education regarding identifying and responding to child sexual abuse. The mom states in one of her interviews that there were other men, acquaintances of mom’s, who had sex with this child because mom liked to watch.

I have a favor to ask of all those who are outraged and horrified by the Victoria Martens case.

If you believe that this ten year-old should not have been forced to have sex with the men in her mother’s life, if you think it is a tragedy that she was killed one day after her tenth birthday, and if you would do anything in your power to prevent this from happening to children in your life or in your community or in your child’s life or in your grandchild’s life, then please join the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County in our efforts to protect the children in our community from sexual abuse.

Sign up for a class through our Protect Our Children project. There are public classes every month. We will even do private classes for you if you have 5 people or more who are interested in protecting children.

We can make a difference. We can’t change what has already happened, but we can control what we do in the future to prevent these tragedies from happening.

Let’s all decide together that we will not accept that Victoria’s abuse and death could not have been prevented, that there were no signs.
Child Abuse: A greater incident rate than cancer
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

April is Child Abuse Prevention month. This is the time of year that we use to spread the word about the social and public health issue that plagues our children. Many people do not generally think about child abuse unless they work in the field or have had it impact their family.

In the United States, four children die every day as a result of child abuse or neglect.

Some reports say that statistic is low and is actually closer to five a day. Most reports state that a large number of those dying are under the age of one. One report states that 79% of the children that die as a result of abuse and neglect are under the age of three. That seems incredible! It is frightening! It seems epidemic.

In 2014, according to the Oregon Child Welfare Data Book, 13 children died as a result of abuse or neglect. There were 10,010 child abuse victims and 46.4% of those victims were under the age of six. Of incidents of abuse, 44.2% were incidents of neglect, 7.1% physical abuse, 6.3% sexual abuse, 1.5% mental injury and 40 % were considered threat of harm which could be related to domestic violence, drug use, sexual abuse, mental injury, or physical abuse.

This is not happening in some far off place. This is happening in Oregon.

Nationally, reports indicate that somewhere in the neighborhood of 90% of perpetrators of abuse are known by the children they abuse. They are people who are considered family or family-like.

The incidence rate of child abuse and neglect in this country is about ten times as high (40 children per thousand children per year) as the incidence rate for all forms of cancer (3.9 individuals per thousand individuals per year). This statistic is attributed to The Leadership Council on Child Abuse and Interpersonal Violence.

I am also a supporter of cancer research, but when you think about it in terms of our addressing an issue equally in terms of importance; we do not put our money behind child abuse prevention. Not only do we not put our money behind child abuse prevention, we do not put our mouth behind it either.

While cancer is usually talked about in hushed tones, child abuse is rarely talked about at all.

In doing a google search for the top public health issue, child abuse does not even rank in most of the articles I read. Yet, if we look at the statistics of founded cases on both a national and state level, one can see it is clearly an issue that needs to be addressed.

Many people do not want to get “involved” in a situation that is considered “family business” by making a report. Others fear retribution if they make a report.

Recently, I spoke to a friend who had made report on behalf of a young family member. It has turned her family upside down. There has been much anger, fear, and anxiety experienced by all involved—the reporter, the perpetrator, the victim, those who support the perpetrator and those who support the victim. It is hard when you love both the victim and the perpetrator.

This friend is a hero of mine. In spite of all the chaos that ensued after the report was made, she has stood strong. She made the report. She protected the children involved. She has not stopped there. She is making it her business to protect all children.

While these statistics make some feel that it is hopeless, it isn’t. There are some things that we could all do.

Here is my top ten list in random order:
- Learn to recognize and respond to the signs of abuse. (Take a Protect Our Children class or host one for a group of your friends.)
- When you see something that does not seem right, make a report to DHS or law enforcement.
- Support those who make a disclosure of abuse. This can be as simple as not calling them a liar.
- Put everyone in your life on notice that you will not tolerate child abuse of any kind.
- Contact your elected officials on local, state, and national level and tell them keeping children safe from abuse is a priority for you.
- Vote for candidates that make children a priority.
- Donate your time, talent or treasure to an organization that works to protect children from abuse.
- Talk to the children in your life about what abuse is and what they should do if something happens to them. (This should include all kinds of abuse…bullying, sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse.)
- BE PRESENT IN YOUR CHILD’S LIFE.
- When you see a parent struggling with their children in a public place, offer support instead of judgement.
If you want to learn more about any of these, to include learning “how” to do these, contact the Children’s Advocacy Center. If there is enough interest we will schedule a special class.

Here is a list of some fun activities you can participate in to let your community know that you will not stand for child abuse:

*Ongoing: The Change for Children Campaign will be taking place throughout the community.

This is an exciting collaborative project between, CASA, Children’s Advocacy Center and The Family Nurturing Center. Look for Change for Children donation jars at: The Butcher Shop, all Lithia car dealerships, Wamba Juice, Central Art Supply, Jackson Creek Pizza, Thai Bistro and Sunrise Cafe.

*April 16th: Panda Express Fundraiser

*April 23rd: Gamble for Good Poker Tournament Fundraiser

*April 25th: Protect Our Children Child Abuse Prevention Training

*April 27th and 28th: Recognizing and Responding to Child Abuse Training – Contact Ginny Sagal at: vsagal@cacjc.org for more information or to register
Parenting Teens: A Mom’s Story

By Ginny Sagal, Communication and Outreach Coordinator at the Children’s Advocacy Center

Since starting my job as Communication and Outreach Coordinator at CAC, I have had some thoughts about my parenting. Being an older mom with twins has been a wonderful journey. When they were little I would be very careful where they went for play dates, and who was going to be at the house. I knew it was my job to protect them. That was some time ago.

As a parent of teenagers ready to go off to college in a year and a half, things are much different than when they were little. No more play dates as they all seem to communicate with their friends on the internet. I will walk into my son’s room only to find that he is online playing a game with five of his friends. The new generation spends much time communicating with their peers online and texting.

I am happy that when I do go into my son’s or daughter’s rooms that they can share with me what they are doing and have no secrets. When they are on FaceTime their friends get to see me and I get to see who they are. Communication is very important with teenagers. It is important to let them know that you care and that you give them their space, but also that you are there for them if they need you. You are their protector.

I know with the parenting I have done, they will make good choices about who they will choose to be friends with and groups they will be part of once they get to college. Protecting our children comes from good parenting and communication with your children.

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. Every child is special and needs our care and protection. With good parenting tools we can contribute to a safer community for our children.
Winter Gala 2016: Camelot and Good Deeds for Children

By Michelle Wilson, Development Director for The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

“Don’t ever let it be forgot
That once there was a spot
For one brief, shining moment
That was known as Camelot!”
~ Camelot (the movie)

King Arthur and Queen Guinevere ~ played by Geoffrey and Joi Riley

For one brief moment on January 30, Camelot was alive and well in our part of the world. A mighty team of volunteers created a Medieval castle, complete with King Arthur and his court, and the community was invited to enter inside.

Dragons, knights, lords and ladies all came together to help us create a mythical world – for just one evening – and over 250 people joined us at our annual Winter Gala in a night which focused on children. King Arthur and Queen Guinevere (played royally by Geoffrey Riley and his wife Joi), held court, and Lancelot, Morgaine, and Merlin moved through the castle walls entertaining our guests.

This trio also had a quest: they sought to find the pure of heart and mind and give away blue crystal hearts to anyone who was worthy.

To receive a heart, guests had to share a line or two of Old English (showing wisdom with their words), correctly answer a question about Camelot (showing knowledge of this mythical world), or share about One Kind Deed they had done that day for children (showing kindness and a pure heart).

It was a night of celebration, and all of our guests did Kind Deeds for children that evening. Celebrations bring us together and strengthen our sense of community. This celebration brought us all together in the noble quest of raising awareness of the great need for support in keeping children safe and healthy in our community.

Thank you to all who attended, to our noble and generous sponsors, and to those who worked countless hours to make it all happen!
The Cost of Even Keel

This is a post by Leah Howell, M.S., Training Coordinator for Protect Our Children Child Abuse Prevention Training of Jackson County, Oregon

A few years ago when my son was around 4 months old, we were concerned about his weight, so I did a Google Images search on what a typical 4 month old should look like.

I found a picture of a baby who could have been my son’s twin, and was born within weeks of my son. Out of curiosity, I clicked on the image and then the accompanying article. It was the story of a baby boy who had been repeatedly beaten, but each time was sent back home to his parents. At four months old he died at the hands of his father. To this day, when I think of that little boy, who deserved nothing but unbounded love, I feel deep, almost overwhelming sadness.

These strong feelings have significance to me because I have a 3 year old boy whose emotions seem to fluctuate between unprecedented elation and severe emotional distress from moment to moment.

My reaction to this roller-coaster of expression is to become “The Stabilizer.” I am the adult, after all. I am the person who needs to remain emotionally impervious to the tragedy of the minute, and offer some rational thought or feelings that balance his “crazy-makin’.” My son responds surprisingly well to most of my rational input-even at his age (you can give my husband all the credit for those genes).

Though I know “The Stabilizer” to be a necessary role currently with my three year old, I find that this function has morphed, and has begun to seep into me in a more personal way.

I find that it is my “go to” survival technique. When life gets stressful or overwhelming, I am the one who keeps the ship moving and minimizes any rocking – emotional or otherwise. Recently, I have sensed myself unwilling to contend with my own complicated emotions. Instead of feeling them, I choose to stuff them, then rationalize my way out of dealing with them.

I sometimes wonder how damaging this survival technique is. Used too often, this practice could keep me from focusing on the things that really matter – both in my family and community.

After all, allowing yourself to feel deeply is most often what compels a person to change or take decisive action.

Well known to most people, child abuse (and especially child sexual abuse) has been allowed to continue under the noses of many who would be outraged that it was occurring. But when adults in proximity were faced with this possibility, they perceived this truth as too devastating to them, and they took no action.

When I consider these tragic situations, I realize that I cannot continue as “The Stabilizer” for much longer, and still be the responsive parent I need to be. I acknowledge that the best protection I can provide to my son is to possess the will and courage to face the realities of life, (no matter how painful they may be) and walk alongside him through them- hand in hand.

Leah Howell