The Children's Advocacy Center of Jackson County

Category: Parenting

  • A Strong Man

    By Tammi Pitzen, Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

    I will let you in on a secret. I love animated movies. I love Disney. I love Pixar. Long before I had my son, I would watch these movies . . . usually not on the big screen, but in the privacy of my own home.

    When my son became old enough to watch movies, but too young to go to the theatre, I bought every animated movie I could find. Usually these movie days ended with me watching the movie alone as my son’s attention would be diverted elsewhere — long before the movie was over.

    I think one of my favorites is the movie Barnyard. Have you seen that one? The animals can all talk but only do so when their human is not around. The main character is a cow who was found and adopted by the Patriarch Cow, Ben. This young cow, Otis, loves to party and have a good time. The Patriarch Ben is trying to teach his son the importance of work, and that being a leader means taking care of those around you.

    There is a line that is the central theme of the movie. “A strong man stands up for himself. A stronger man stands up for others.”

    Wow. That sums up life beautifully. We should be standing up for ourselves and modeling that behavior for our children. We need to make sure that we let people around us know what we need and to show our children that it is okay to take care of your needs and to value yourself.

    Our purpose is to take care of those who are vulnerable and speak for them until they find their voice.

    This month is Child Abuse Prevention/Awareness Month.

    Every year this is a month that turns the spotlight on child abuse victims and what adults can do to keep children safe from abuse. For the month of April we make this huge push for these things to be in the public’s eye. And then it seems it is forgotten for the rest of the year, except by those whose job it is to work to keep kids safe.

    Generally this is when I will write about a lot of statistics. Usually I would tell you that there were 707 confirmed victims of child abuse and neglect in Jackson County, Oregon last year. I would normally tell you that 1 in 10 children will be sexually abused before they turn 18. I would tell you that an estimated 400,000 babies born in the United States this year will be sexually abused before they turn 18.

    But this year I wanted to do something more hopeful. I wanted to do something that would start a movement.

    I want to challenge you to embrace Ben’s words. Every day I want you to find a way to stand up for yourself. Value yourself. Help others to value you. And I want you to take it one step further. I want you to find one thing that you can do to be stronger.

    I want you to find one thing that you will do to stand up for abused children. That adds up to a lot being done on behalf of abused children in a year’s time.

    You might be asking yourself “What Can I do?”

    I am going to make it easy for you and make some suggestions:

    • Learn to recognize the signs of child abuse

    • Make a donation to an agency that serves child abuse victims. (my favorite is the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County :-))

    • Volunteer for a program that serves children

    • Take a child abuse prevention class (The CAC of Jackson County facilitates Stewards of Children/Darkness to Light once a month and also will come to your organization to facilitate a class just for your group)

    • Let your government officials know that you support initiatives that help support child abuse victims getting the best services they can get

    • Let your government officials know that training people who investigate child abuse or work with child abuse victims and their families is a priority

    • Support initiatives like United Way of Jackson County’s Big Idea as a way to empower children to dream big and achieve goals

    • Listen to a child

    • Put a potential offender on notice by insuring you are not leaving your child alone with someone who is identified as unsafe, by knowing who your child spends time with and by insisting on background checks/references for people who will be in positions of authority (babysitters, youth serving programs etc) over your child

    • Report abuse if you suspect it

    That should get you started.

    Live your life in a way that would make Ben, the cow, proud.

    If you have not seen the movie, I strongly encourage it (with or without kids).

     

  • Extraordinary in the Ordinary

    Post by Jennifer Wolfe, mother, teacher, and writer. Originally published on Huff Post Parents: The Blog

    I’m a creature of habit. As much as I love adventure, I take comfort in the little routines of motherhood, carefully evolved over years of practice. Those small moments help center me, help me to feel at peace — knowing my babies are right where they’re supposed to be every night and morning. They are the ordinary moments of motherhood that bring me unimaginable joy.

    Since August, my routines have been turned topsy-turvy. Pre-dawn tiptoeing down the hall, quietly nudging open bedroom doors, I find only one bed occupied. The other remains as it was last night, and the night before, and the night before that, white duvet pulled tautly against the black bedframe. White carpet screams vacancy at me in absence of dirty laundry, skis and textbooks. She’s not here.

    When I dropped my daughter off at college in August, life had thrown those ordinary moments in the air like debris after a tornado. A flooded kitchen and broken bones combined to transform a quiet July into absolute chaos. I mourned the changes happening around me, yet at the same time, I couldn’t think about them for more than a moment. Life was just that tumultuous. Unpredictable. The “new normal” was unfolding in front of me, and although I knew it was coming, I felt unprepared. Vulnerable.

    As moments spun into days, I wound up at her college convocation — alone. This was it, the last official event before I would drive the 600 miles back to reality — alone. It was a celebration of great importance in her life. It was the moment I’d been preparing for and denying for 18 years, and there was no stopping it. Time was in motion. This was really happening.

    Bagpipers brusquely proclaimed the arrival of 500 new freshman, kids ready to launch their dreams and move to the next phase of their lives. To find the extraordinary in life. To celebrate their transition to a life on their own.

    Life wasn’t exactly going according to plan. I wasn’t supposed to have to battle this moment on my own. I felt my body lighten as she walked down the aisle in her tie-dye T shirt, smiling yet just a touch apprehensive. She’s California, I thought. The only one in the room.

    I sat in the bleachers, fighting the tears and watching my little girl’s childhood flash before my eyes, and began to listen to Dr. Richard Badenhausen, head of the Honors College, read William Martin, The Parent’s Tao Te Ching: Ancient Advice for Modern Parents. In that moment, my heart lifted just enough to catch a glimpse of clarity- just enough to cement me in the present:

    Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives.
    Such striving may seem admirable, but it is the way of foolishness.
    Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life.
    Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears.
    Show them how to cry when pets and people die.
    Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand.
    And make the ordinary come alive for them.
    The extraordinary will take care of itself.

    Have I done that? Is that the 2-year-old girl down there — the one who delighted in smearing peaches in her mouth, juice oozing down her chin? Is that the 5-year-old who grabbed my hand and pulled me to the jungle gym to proudly perform her latest trick? Did all the years of homework and studying and projects and sports and testing and applications prepare her for the ordinariness of life? She reached her goal, she’s attending the college of her choice — hopefully the one of her dreams, too. Is she ready to leave the moments of self-doubt, of wondering if her transcript is strong enough or her athleticism amazing enough to have a college want her? Is she ready to stop worrying about being extraordinary and just enjoy being… ordinary?

    “The path to success travels through the ordinary. Life is transformative through the lens of time,” the speaker continued. He’s speaking my language. Have I not spent the last 18 years peering into this day? Have I not known that each moment we spent together would help guide her down this path? Why are these words causing me to weep?

    “Listen when others speak,” he advised. “Have conversations with professors. Write second drafts of essays. Ask for help — perfection is an unattractive quality.” Grit, I thought. Digging deep – that attribute we hope our children develop over years of testing and writing and competing. What she learned on the ski hill. What I hope she left home with. What I know will see her through. What I hope she’s listening to at this very moment.

    “Focus on the ordinary,” he continues. My attention is rapt-is hers? “Build a foundation that will steady you. Have awareness of yourself and your place in the world. Focus on the ordinary. The extraordinary will take care of itself.”

    He ends his speech and the crowd applauds. Bagpipers chant and drone their way down the center of the room, the freshmen following behind. She’s one of the last out – I can spot her green and yellow tie dye from the bleachers. I recognize that look on her face – the one where she knows she’s done well and that I’m watching.

    Aware of her place in the world — yes she is. Her foundation is rock solid.

    She’s ready.

    She’s extraordinary.

    She can take care of herself.

    Read Jennifer Wolfe’s blog at: http://jenniferwolfe.net

  • Just Wanted to Tell You

    Just Wanted to Tell You

    Poem by Catherine Zern, LCSW

    Your eyes were far away tonight
    And you didn’t have time to tell me a story
    Or listen to my fears of the dark
    So I screamed and cried til you spanked me
    But I was just trying’ to tell you that the
    House was on fire

    You looked grumpy this morning
    Maybe cause you were gone so late last night
    And I didn’t know where you were
    And I couldn’t sleep until I heard you stumble in
    When you slept late
    I hit my brother
    But I was just tryin’ to tell you that the
    House was on fire

    You brought home that new person
    Who was really nice to me at first
    And they took me fishin’
    And watched my games a couple of times
    But now you guys are gone a lot
    And you scream at each other when you get home
    (I can hear from my room even though you don’t think I can)
    And I sneak out my window
    But I’m just tryin’ to tell you that the
    House is on fire

    Today I tried to tell you that
    I’m really lost in math
    And my boyfriend broke up with me
    And another kid called me fat
    And you were busy with all your friends
    And you told me not to worry about it
    So I met this cute guy downtown
    Cause I had to tell somebody that the
    House is on fire

    That’s ok
    I’ve learned that it’s no big deal
    And not to wear my heart on my sleeve
    And not to worry about it
    And how tough you’ve had it

    Gotta go – party tonight
    The house has done burned down

  • Planting Seeds and Watching Them Grow

    By Michelle Wilson, Development Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

    Soon after Valentine’s Day, right after all of the red and white bows and hearts start to come off of the shelves, little signs of the coming of spring start to poke their heads out around us. Stores start selling packets of seeds to plant, in preparation for the warmer days to come and the anticipation of summer flowers and garden vegetables.

    This is a great time of year to plan positive family time together.

    You can start with a handful of tiny seeds sown in dirt-filled paper cups set in a kitchen window. Even very young children can help with choosing the types of flowers to grow or the varieties of vegetables to grace the table later in the year. Choose soil that is as rich with nutrients as possible to give the young seeds a good start, and read the seed package directions for information on what they need in the way of sun and water.

    When the first green sprouts start to pop up through the soil, children and adults alike can’t help but get excited about the magic that is happening right in the kitchen window.

    This is good time to either choose a good spot in the yard to transplant those seeds into a small garden or to pick out some clay pots (which you can paint yourself to add another creative step to the process) to hold the young plants as they grow and blossom.

    When the flowers and vegetables start to come into full bloom, everyone in the family can celebrate the accomplishment of growing something together. Cutting fresh flowers and bringing them into the house is a great way to bring simple beauty into each day, and even kids who don’t normally like to eat their vegetables can’t help but try them when they have grown them from seedlings!

    Once you start growing things, it can become an annual event, much like celebrating holidays or birthdays, only this event can last from late winter when you buy those first seed packets until late in the fall when you harvest the last vegetables before the cold weather really hits.

    Simple activities that focus on beauty, nature, and good food are often the best ways to spend quality together as a family.

    As we watch tiny seeds grow into small seedlings — then blooms — then into full blossom, we can be reminded to pay attention to the ways our children are growing each day. We can remember to nurture them with everything they need and never take them for granted. And we can celebrate each day with them, teaching them both the natural rhythms of nature and of strong, healthy family life.

  • Adrian Peterson: Child Abuse or Discipline?

    By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

    This week the big news was that Adrian Peterson, a member of the Minnesota Vikings, was charged with child abuse for spanking his child with a “switch” and leaving bruising. 

    The topic of debate has been: Is this abuse or is this discipline? And secondary: Is this a part of Southern parenting culture?

    You knew that I would have to weigh in on this — being both a true Southerner, who now has a child, and being an avid football fan, who is married to an avid Vikings fan.

    I was born and raised in the South and my parents used spanking as a discipline method.  I also began my career in child protection investigating child abuse reports in a small town in Louisiana. I will tell you that it is true that in the South parents will “spank” their children with whatever is handy.  I have talked with parents who use electrical extension cords, doubled belts, wooden spoons, switches, boards, ping pong paddles, rulers, wire coat hangers, dog leashes, hair brushes and, not as frequently but sometimes, their hands, in the disciplining of their children.

    Based on years of investigative experience, I will tell you that it is very hard to use an object to hit a child and not leave marks.

    It is hard to judge how hard you are actually hitting. It is hard to gauge how angry you are. It is hard to control the adrenaline that will begin to pump through your body as you exert yourself in the disciplining of a child, using these methods.

    Most parents are disciplining their children because they love them. They are not intending to hurt their child.

    Imagine how hard it is for a child to understand that — when they are being hit with an object.

    Southern parents have been known to say, “This is hurting me more than it is hurting you”, while spanking their child. I can say that is sometimes hard to believe and really hard to understand if you are five.

    Oregon law defines physical abuse as an injury to a child that is not accidental.

    Many will read this and think that I am advocating against spanking. I am advocating against spanking that becomes abusive.

    Discipline is a parenting decision and should be made by parent. However, it is abusive to leave marks on your child either unintentionally or intentionally. It is a fact that it is hard to spank with an object and not leave marks.

    I have spoken to literally thousands of children who have been hit with objects. They do not learn to be disciplined. They learn to fear their parents. They learn to be angry. Violence breeds violence.

    In recent weeks we have heard news stories involving National Football League players abusing their girlfriends, abusing their children and, in the past, we have heard about them abusing animals.

    I believe that the NFL has a unique opportunity to change our world in an unimaginable, pie in the sky kind of way.

    • They can follow Chris Carter’s (retired Vikings football player) lead and send a message about abuse. If you have not seen his passionate emotional response to this story: Watch It Now.
    • They can say we will have zero tolerance regarding abuse of another person or animal by an NFL player.
    • They can send a message to every little boy who watches these players in awe every week — dreaming that they can become “just like them”.
    • The NFL can send a message to every child that they matter and they have the right to not be abused.
    • The NFL can send a message to every boy that it is not heroic to hit women.

    I am watching anxiously to see what will come of this.

    I am watching anxiously to see if this will be the game changer that our children need.