By Claudia Cervantes, Bilingual Training Coordinator for the Protect Our Children Project
Recientemente asistí al Encuentro Regional de Coordinadores del Proyecto Protegiendo a Nuestros Niños que tuvo lugar en Eugene. Fue un día completo de inspiración y aprendizaje, y sin duda puedo puedo decir que después de la primera conferencia, yo ya no era la misma persona, ahora era alguien con una nueva esperanza que llenaba mi corazón: Resiliencia. Todos podemos sanar y superar los traumas que vivimos en nuestra niñez y vivir una vida con sentido, con propósito.
La doctora y terapeuta Amy Stoeber, habló sobre las experiencias adversas en la infancia y como pueden ser tratadas a través de una Educación para la Resiliencia. Todos nacemos con la habilidad de ser resilientes, eso significa que nacemos con la capacidad de superar los traumas vividos en la niñez y enfrentar la vida desarrollando nuestras fortalezas. Y aunque esta es una habilidad nata, también “La resiliencia puede ser enseñada, modelada y mejorada”, dice la doctora.
A través de nuevas rutinas, el cerebro de los niños y adolescentes se modifica y se construyen nuevas conexiones en la estructura cerebral para desarrollar nuevos comportamientos y habilidades.
Si los adultos promovemos la habilidad de resiliencia, los niños y adolescentes pueden desarrollar capacidades de competencia social, autonomía, solución de problemas, un sentido de propósito y la creencia en un futuro brillante.
Pero, ¿Cómo obtener resultados positivos en una educación para la resiliencia? Aquí les comparto algunas ideas de la doctora Amy en la creación de un sistema de apoyo a la hora de promover una educación para mejorar la resiliencia en niños:
Por parte de los padres:
Amor incondicional. Recordar a tu hijo o hija que los amas pase lo que pase y haga lo que haga.
Modelar las conductas que se esperan. Hablar con tu hijo o hija con atención, mirarle a los ojos, no mentirle, abrazarlos, ser ordenado, respetuoso, amable.
Por parte de los profesionistas (maestros, terapeutas, otros adultos que ayudan al recibir ayuda profesional)
Comunicación en una postura sin juzgar. Los padres y niños deben sentir que las personas de apoyo no están ahí para juzgarlos.
Somos un equipo: Las metas que se quieren lograr se establecen en conjunto. A través de un lenguaje que implique un “nosotros”.
Ideas para pasar tiempo con tus hijos y ayudar a desarrollar Resiliencia. La doctora sugiere pasar 10 minutos al día tres veces a la semana, evitando todas las distracciones como el uso del celular y dejando que tu hijo o hija elija un juego o actividad. Les comparto uno de los juegos propuestos en la conferencia:
“Te amo sin importar que…” Yo jugue este juego con mi hija de nueve años y le pregunte: “¿Me quieres aunque no cocine quesadillas todos los días? Y ella me dijo, si mama, de todos modos te quiero. Y luego ella me pregunto, Y tu ¿me quieres aunque a veces me enoje? Y yo le dije, si, te quiero de todas formas sin importar que.
My name is Tasha. I used to live with my mom and my dad.
I used to do things that made my mom get mad at me and tell me I was bad. I had a secret that I wanted to tell her — but I was scared –so I would do things that I hoped would make her ask me what was wrong.
One day I told her.
I was so scared — even more scared than I was when my dad would come into my room after everyone else was in bed. I used to pretend I was sleeping because I thought he would leave. He would come in and touch me places where he was not supposed to. He did other things too. Things only mommies and daddies are supposed to do.
When I told my mom she started crying, but knew exactly what to do. She and I went to the hospital and called the police. My mom said she would keep me safe.
The hospital told her to take me to the Children’s Advocacy Center. I talk to a lady who said her job was to talk to kids. She asked me a lot of questions. They were embarrassing. I also had to have a doctor do an exam and do something called “collect evidence”. I don’t really know what that means but knew it was something that was going to help me be safe.
A lady talked to my mom and helped my mom come up with a plan to keep me safe. She even called and checked on us after we left.
I still visit the Children’s Advocacy Center. I go to therapy and talk about ways to keep my body safe and how it wasn’t my fault.
The day I walked into the Children’s Advocacy Center I was so scared — but now I feel safe and the best thing is that my mom stopped crying.
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
I started this blog four and a half years ago with the intention of providing insights into child abuse through the lens of a professional career in child protection that spanned several decades.
Somewhere along the way the focus or lens shifted and got blurred with my personal mom experiences. Today is one of those times where that line gets very blurry, but I feel like there is a conversation that must be had.
So here it goes.
I recently took my nine-year-old to the movies and as we watched the previews, we planned which movies we would make sure to see. Some of them were a for sure for him and not me. Others were a for sure for me and not so much for him, but the one movie we both really thought would be a can’t miss movie was Show Dogs. It seemed perfect. We both love dogs. It looked funny. There was a story line that seemed like it would keep our attention.
Then this week I read more about the movie. There was a scene in which one of the dogs was getting prepared for “Show” competition which included his privates being touched. This seemed to happen a couple of times and his friend advised him to go to his “Zen” place and it basically shows the main character dissociating .
There was an outcry from some parents and a blogger. It was pointed out that this was a little too real to be okay. There were concerns about taking children to see this with the message being it is okay if someone sexually abuses you if you go to your “happy” place and think of things that make you feel good.
I will be honest that the first couple of “headlines” I skipped over. When a friend on Facebook posted some comments, I will be honest again, I sort of did an eye roll in that it was asking people to boycott the movie. In this day where everyone is boycotting something, I just did not want to “have” to choose a side and so I skipped it.
I actually did not think it was true. In the “Me Too” age surely there is not one person who has not got the message that we are tired of power and control turning into sexual abuse. I checked it out further and found that it was true.
As I processed the information I was reading with what I know about child sexual abuse dynamics, I was disheartened and a little depressed that we have come so far and not far at all. There has been a whirlwind of sexual abuse disclosures, investigations, civil law suits, criminal prosecutions and sentencings playing out on the national stage. It seemed like, in my mind anyway, that “Show Dogs” was Hollywood basically saying they don’t care. Basically, rubbing our noses in the fact that they have control and can do whatever they want.
Today, I was researching a little more in preparation for writing this blog. I was delighted to see that they took the scene out of the movie. The movie that will be in the theatres this weekend will not have the scene in it.
I was disheartened at the released statement. There was an apology. Sort of.
“Responding to concerns raised by moviegoers and some specific organizations, Global Road Entertainment has decided to remove two scenes from the film SHOW DOGS that some have deemed not appropriate for children.
The company takes these matters very seriously and remains committed to providing quality entertainment for the intended audiences based on the film’s rating. We apologize to anybody who feels the original version of SHOW DOGS sent an inappropriate message. The revised version of the film will be available for viewing nationwide starting this weekend.”
I read the above statement and think…Huh. They apologize to anybody who feels the original version of Show Dogs sent an inappropriate message. That implies to me that they do not feel it was an inappropriate message. It leaves me still feeling a little angry.
I am angry because my son really wants to see this movie. They took out the “offensive” scenes. It should be fine to let him see it. Right? Why am I still angry? Why am I still wondering about whether I want to pay money to watch a movie where someone thought it was okay to re write the original script to include sexual abuse. Do I take the moral high ground and stand on my convictions? Do I punish my son by not letting him see it even though now it is deemed appropriate?
I am angry that I am left with having to sort this out when really it could have been a good movie—a fun afternoon with my nine-year-old. Now, no matter what changes have been made, I will not be able to get past the idea that someone thought it was a good idea to write sexual abuse in. I feel dirty. I feel like someone was testing the waters of what is okay and acceptable.
What does it take to change the tide? Bill Cosby was convicted. America’s Dad convicted. Was that not enough of a message that forced sexual contact will not be tolerated? Was the tide of the “Me Too” movement not enough to make social change?
I suspect I will not see the movie. I suspect there are those who think I am overreacting. That is okay.
For me I need to know, to the best of my knowledge and ability, that the money my husband and I work so hard to earn is not going to end up in the hands of someone who wants to teach children when someone touches their private parts to go find their “Zen” place.
In my world, there is not one situation where someone would think this is okay.
In my world, the production company issues a statement apologizing for their error in judgement — not apologizing that some people found their messaging in appropriate. Maybe I am making too big a deal out of semantics.
On the flip side of this situation, I am so thankful for the Macaroni Kid for bringing this to the attention of moms everywhere. I am also thankful to receive confirmation that moms are the “game changers”.
Moms – every day, regular, moms can change the world.
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
Lately I have been reading a lot about the impact that technology use has on our children. It is everywhere!
My son was actually introduced to video games at his daycare and then computers at school. He is sometimes glued to his Kindle. It is hard to know if he is doing his reading homework or on YouTube. Everyone in his life is directing him to learn new things on YouTube. You can learn how to play piano there. You can learn how to take care of your trumpet there. He has learned dance moves there. He has discovered other tutorials as well. Want to do a science experiment? You can find it there. Want to learn new math? You can find it there.
It is also used in the academic world. My son recently spent almost an hour, two or three nights in a row, working on i-ready, which is a program his school uses to see what he has learned. He has done reports for school that required that he be on the internet for research. There is no going to the library and pulling out those big encyclopedia books anymore.
Do not even get me started on the games.
He was four and learned about video games in daycare one summer. The pros are that it is good for improving hand to eye coordination and keeping your brain engaged. The bad news is that it basically removes all one on one social interaction. Kids are having a hard time navigating through disappointments or social situations that are uncomfortable. They are not getting practice in “real life” and how to interact with other people. They do not get practice in patience, or how to work out disagreements in real life.
I see the impacts of all of the above in my own child. As parents, my husband and I try to monitor as much of his time on electronics as possible. We sometimes put limits. We use it as discipline more times than I care to admit. He does not have a cell phone. He does not text except to use my phone to text his Dad or vice versa when one of us is driving and can’t respond. He does play games that are pre-approved to be downloaded and never engages in online versions of these games. This gets tricky because sometimes the lines get blurred and he loses sight of what it online and what is him playing on the computer. All of this keeps us as parents on our toes.
We have had wonderful family nights where no electronics can be used.
We have put puzzles together, played card games, or watched movies. I savor and encourage those moments when his Dad or I go upstairs and find that he has discovered the Legos that were tucked away in the back of the game closet or has his marble maze out and is constructing elaborate mazes for his marbles to journey through. We have all sorts of musical play instruments that he will rediscover now and then and practice songs from piano or band on them.
Technology is here to stay. There are tons of safety reasons not to give your child free reign on the World Wide Web.
That is subject matter for a different blog. I encourage you to educate yourself in any way you can on those matters. Stay tuned to the CAC Facebook page as we occasionally will host a community forum to discuss these topics.
The hidden danger is cheating your child out of building his or her inner resiliency by leaving them to their technological devices too much! We need to realize that being proficient on devices and in technology is a must to succeed in our world.
Here are some tips to keep a balance:
Limit the time per day or per week that your child is allowed time on devices. Set a timer! (Or you will get distracted and that hour will turn into four.)
Try to find things that you can engage with your child both on the technological devices and off.
Set up the passwords to devices, accounts, programs etc. If they are younger children, do not share them but enter them in order to monitor their access. If they are older, change them after they sign in so you are aware when they access these account or set up a way to be alerted when anyone signs into these accounts.
Plan entire evenings or days around no electronics. Model this behavior for your child. During one of these days, I was amazed to see my son reading for a couple of hours. On a different night we sat at the table and played cards. We also do puzzles together as a family. (Until the puzzle got too hard. We are waiting for Dad to finish our current puzzle so we can start a new one. )
Create a plan where your child earns electronics time. I plan on trying this one out over the summer. In addition to his regular chores, if he does extra chores, or reads over his required daily time or practices piano longer than required, he will earn extra time on his devices.
Enforce a no electronics at the dinner table rule. I have had to remind myself about this one from time to time. I now leave my cell phone in my bedroom or on the kitchen counter. It is important that we as parents follow the rules too!
Take some classes regarding social media uses. We may have to invest a little time. Every time we master one platform another is created. It is hard to keep up, but it is IMPORTANT that we do if we are going to allow our children to have and use electronic devices or cell phones.
Talk to your children about the dangers of connecting online. Explain that the person who says they are a 9 year-old boy, just like your child….may really be an adult trying to trick him. I recently had this conversation with my son and he was flabbergasted that anyone would ever do that. I love his trusting soul and….to be honest, it terrifies me. It reminds me that I need to up my game.
Some parents create device contracts outlining the rules and the consequences if the rules are broken and have their child sign along with themselves to insure that the expectations are clear. You can hang this contract up on the fridge as a reminder. No arguing when it is broken. Just enforce the consequences. Be consistent.
Talk to the parents of your child’s friends about your rules. If your child goes and spends time at their house, they can help to enforce the rules even when you are not around. The moms of the children that my child spends time with sometimes text me to ask if something is okay. I love that. I try to return the favor. I will always keep my son’s friends safe and I am glad they will keep my son safe as well.
The above are just some small ideas. If you are not tech savvy, you really should find a class somewhere that will help you. Maybe a computer teacher at your child’s school could give you some pointers. Sometimes you may find a class offered at churches or the library—and of course online.
The more we create opportunities for our children to be active in social activities, the more we can counteract the impact these devices have on their social development. We need to give our children the opportunity to practice social interaction, to react to disappointment, to carry on conversation with an actual person and to gain life experience while they are still under our protective wings. If they spend all their time on devices, they will grow up believing that is reality.
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
I am sitting here stunned and numb at my computer in my office at 9:15 p.m. All week for one reason or another I have been working long hours and late hours. I have seen no news. I have only watched one event in the Olympics (You will remember my obsession with curling from my last blog). I have spent most of my time staring at a computer screen “getting work done”.
Today during my fifteen minutes of self-care time, I jumped on the computer to learn there was another school shooting. With mass casualties.
There will be finger pointing. There will be judgement. There will be much talk about political issues.
But what I want there to be is a path to resolution. I want my son to be safe. I want him safe at home. I want him safe at school. I want him safe at church. I want him safe at the movie theatre.
I want more than that. I want my son’s friends safe. I want his schoolmates and his classmates safe. I want my nieces and my nephews safe.
I want the innocence returned.
I will spend the next few days monitoring my son’s interactions, what he watches on tv, what news he hears. I want him to keep his emotional safety. I want him not to be afraid to live his life. I want him to continue to dance….to feel the music….to enjoy the journey.
On Friday night I had this surreal experience. I watched my son’s first dance recital dress rehearsal. I was moved by what I saw. No pun intended. Up on stage was my son. He was dancing and lost in the moment. He and his peers were up there performing. For a minute or two I was worried how he would respond. It was his first time on a big stage. He has never done anything like this on this scale. He went out and moved and danced better than I had ever seen him. He was hitting the right steps. He was smiling. He nailed his free style “cartwheel” moment. At the end I realized I had, at some point, started holding my breath silently and sometimes (not so silently) cheering him on.
Today, I realize I am holding my breath. This time because of the anxiety of not wanting to let him out of my sight and knowing that I have to.
I, like you, am thinking what can I do? Here is what I am going to do….
I am going to make sure that my anxieties are not transferred to my son. I am going to do what I can to insure his safety at all times and I am going to answer any questions he might have about yesterday’s events. I will answer them in a manner that is fitting for a nine-year-old. I will give him information he needs to feel safe. I will not scare him. I will not give him graphic details. I will not let him watch the news.
I am going to let my representatives know that I am worried and that I want a resolution to this issue. This is a public health issue really.
I am not interested in debating this. I am not interested in finger pointing or political manipulations.
I am going to work with my son’s school to make sure they have a plan for safety. I want to know what that plan is. I want my son to know what that plan is. I want his classmates…those children who he is growing up with…that he cares about…that I care about ..I want them to know what that plan is. We cannot be passive, but we cannot make our children afraid.
I am going to dance with my son. Every chance I get. I am going to feel the music. I am going to dance like no one is watching. And when my son giggles because I am “dancing wrong”, I am going to dance some more.
I will go home tonight, and even though he is sleeping, I am going to go watch him breathe in the dark of his room. I am going to brush his hair off his face and I am going to silently promise to do the best I can to keep him safe.
I will close my eyes and remember that I had this same exact moment with him on the night he was born. I held him close. I brushed my fingers through his hair. I closed my eyes and whispered in his ear that I would do everything I could to keep him safe.
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
January is here again. Halfway over and then on to February. I don’t typically get very personal on this blog. However it seems timely to talk about secondary trauma and what that might look like in a child.
I say timely because January 16 (yesterday) is the anniversary of a terrible event in my family’s history.
I won’t delve too deep into that tragedy, other than to say it changed me and it changed my family. I lost a family member through a horrible tragic event from which I sometimes fear I will never recover. And then February comes and I am functioning. And then March comes, and with spring, the darkness is replaced with light. Every year this cycle repeats. I used to not recognize what was going on and now I anticipate it. January is a “dark” month that is busy and maybe that busyness keeps me sane. This event happened in 2002 and is unresolved in many ways. It is unresolved legally. While I recognize that healing does not happen in the legal system, it is hard to move on until that has happened.
Bizarre how my professional life and personal life become entangled during the first month of the year. Logically I know things. But my heart does not believe my years of experience.
I want to talk about secondary trauma and maybe provide some understanding to professionals who are working with children or even adults and those in between ( but for the purposes of this blog, I am going to focus on children) who have experienced trauma or secondary trauma. I want to use my own experience to do so.
In January I become agitated. I become a little scattered…more than the normal chaos that is my life. I am tired. Fatigued beyond what anyone can really understand. I get physically sick. Sometimes with a sinus infection. Sometimes with a stomach bug. Sometimes with migraines. I stare off and disconnect…sometimes when it is not convenient. I can’t sleep. I over eat…junk food. I am distracted. I am full of anxiety. (Even as I write this…I am worried about how my family will feel…will I offend them? Will I hurt them by putting words to the experience? Will my colleagues feel differently about me?) I sometimes burst into tears and don’t understand why.
Until I remember. My body remembers first, then my heart, and finally my brain catches up. This went on for 11 years without my recognizing the connection. About four years ago, I began to make the connection back to my family tragedy and recognized that I was having some symptoms of secondary trauma.
I am an adult. An adult with 20+ years of working with trauma. It took me 15 years to recognize what was happening to me. This would be the first January that I am in control of my life. (Or at least I think I am.) And when I say control, I mean that I recognize what is happening and have a strategy to deal with it. Not that I don’t still cry when I think about the loss.
Children don’t have 15 years to learn to master their feelings and regulate their emotions. Children don’t have the words to describe these emotions they do not understand.
That child who is in your classroom, your after-school program, your Sunday school class…the one who is always bouncing off the walls. What if that is merely his body trying to save him from the pain of his trauma. The child who can’t ever stay focused. The one you call on in the middle of class when you know he is not paying attention, and then everyone in the class laughs at him—what if all his attention is focused on not completely disintegrating at any moment. We call these children low achievers. That little boy you don’t want your child hanging around because he has anger issues. Maybe he just needs some love and understanding. Maybe he has good reason to be angry. We call these children hyper. We call them a problem.
These kids are everywhere. Not just in school. This isn’t a blog picking on adults who work in the school system. I see them at church. I see them in Fred Meyers. I see them at the movies. I see them on neighborhood playgrounds. I see them in my son’s life.
I want to remind everyone that trauma can be as a result of abuse, but it can also be as a result of many other things. I recognize I am a child abuse advocate and most of what I write about is child abuse related. Trauma is trauma. Whether it is from abuse, from war, from loss…we may all experience it different. The impact is never the same. The response is not the same. But none of us are immune.
How many people do you recognize in your life who may be dealing with trauma?
Do you ever wonder how many social problems would almost completely disappear if everyone was given the tools needed to resolve trauma? Do you think we would continue to have substance abuse issues? If we could resolve trauma would we have the healthcare crisis we face now? If we were all taught how to work through and resolve trauma, would we see as many hate crimes? Would we need to spend billions on prisons? I wonder.
I am so incredibly lucky. I have a supportive family who when they don’t know what to say, say nothing and hold on tight. I am incredibly lucky in that I have a job that I love that allows me to take a sick day if I need to. I am incredibly lucky in that I am not struggling with other life challenges.
Usually at this point in the blog I am putting in some kind of resolution. Some kind of call to action. If I am honest I don’t know the answer.
Maybe compassion is the answer. Maybe seeing past the behavior and seeing the child is the answer. Therapy is a good start for the child so they can learn to recognize what is happening to their body. Therapy can teach them to understand they are not crazy. There are physical, biological responses to trauma both primary and secondary trauma. Therapy can teach them to master their emotional responses.
As adults in the lives of these children, maybe we can pause before we react to the behavior that is presented and question what the driving factor for this behavior is. Maybe we can stop asking why are you doing this and start asking how we can help. Maybe we can help support the caregivers in the lives of these children by taking the stigma out of seeking counseling.
We all need help every once in a while. Maybe love isn’t all we need after all. Maybe we need acceptance. Maybe we need understanding. Maybe.
By Ginny Sagal, Communication & Outreach Coordinator for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
You can’t read a newspaper or turn on a television without hearing about child sexual abuse.
Do not feel helpless.
There is one thing you can do that matters in addressing child sexual abuse. You can take a child abuse prevention training through the Children’s Advocacy Center Protect Our Children Project.
When I read and hear these horrible stories, I think how wonderful it would be if all parents and caregivers knew how to recognize and respond to child sexual abuse.
The Protect Our Children training guides you through 5 steps to protecting children from sexual abuse.
The 5 Steps are:
Learn the Facts: 1 in 10 children are sexually abused before the age of 18. Over 90% of them know their abuser. There is no more of this stranger danger thing. We need to go beyond that.
Minimize the Opportunity: Decrease the risk of abuse by eliminating one on one situations.
Talk About It: Have age appropriate, open conversations about our bodies, sex and boundaries. I think of the gymnast kids who were abused by their doctor or coach that the families had trusted.
Recognize the signs: Why is this person giving gifts to my child? Why is this person always with the kids when he or she should be with the adults when we are at a party?
React Responsibly: How you reacts matters. Go with your gut feeling!
The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County has partnered with The Ford Family Foundation to offer this training to anyone in Jackson County for FREE.
Just think, in 2 to 3 short hours you can decrease the risk that a child in your life will be sexually abused. THAT IS BIG!!!
Do one thing that Matters for the kids and teens in your life. Take a Protect our Children training.
To register for a training for yourself or your group, business or organization go to: http://cacjc.org/services/prevention or call Leah Howell, Protect Our Children Training Coordinator, at 541-734-5437 ext. 1013
The year was 1993. My oldest daughter, Jennifer, came to me one evening and disclosed a horrific truth.
Her father had sexually molested her.
She was 11 years old that year. The specific abuse had taken place many years before. She had blocked it out, only to remember on a cold and windy October afternoon.
I believed her, but I didn’t want to believe that the one person I trusted most with her care, could commit such a vile act and hurt my child so deeply. I contacted the authorities. And I waited.
Once she disclosed her abuse, the floodgates opened. Her memory, her pain began to spill over, threatening to drown us all. I took to my journal, and wrote:
“We are hiding out at Mom’s, partially because I need the support. My sweet beautiful child has been hurt so deeply. The days pass and more is disclosed. I want to help her, to take it all away. I want to see him suffer. Death is too easy. How can anyone do this to an innocent child? Of course, he has taken that from her.”
The next few weeks were wrought with anxiety and tension. Never sure what would be around the next corner. Sometimes the days seem so endless. I want so much to help my baby girl, but I don’t know how. I see a facade during the day, but in the evening when we are alone, I see the raw ugly truth.
“I watch as she plucks out her eyelashes and brows. I place a pillow under her head as she bangs it against the hard floor. I want to scream, cry and vent my anger. I grieve for what is lost, for the innocence that was taken from her. She can never go back, will never have a normal childhood or adolescence. I’m angry, sad and frightened. How am I to deal with all of this?”
Navigating the legal system is confusing and frightening to most of us. It is especially frightening to a mother trying to protect her child from further harm, all the while dealing with the emotional hurricane that had laid waste to our lives.
The Task Force was a safe port in the storm directing us to the shelter of the CAC. Feeling confused, lost and alone, I placed my broken family in the capable hands of the CAC staff.
Jane welcomed us with warm open arms and provided the knowledge and support that we so desperately needed. It was here we started our journey of healing. My questions were answered as the entire staff held us up through each step on the road to recovery – the road that takes each of us from being a victim, to that of a survivor.
I became active in a parent’s support group at the Center. There I gained essential knowledge of the process we were to experience, from the Grand Jury to the courtroom and beyond. It was this amazing group, run by the CAC staff, that shared with me valuable insight into the world of not only the perpetrator, but the victim as well.
I came to understand how it happened without my knowledge, and how to help my daughter.
Therapy is a wonderful tool, and with a non-offending parent involvement, the path to healing can begin. It really does take a village to raise a child.
I recently had the honor to tour the expanded facility of the CAC. I was excited to view all the new opportunities the center has to help those who pass through the doors. Yet it saddens me to realize there is still a need, and that there always will be. Child sexual abuse has always been present in our communities, hiding in the threads of secrecy.
We need the CAC to help those who have been abused, their families and to educate those that have not.
I am honored to tell my story. My family supports me now, as the CAC did so many years ago. They were my lifeline, my hope that someday I could say with conviction, “My family survived.”
I am so grateful to the CAC and all its supporters, volunteers, staff, and sponsors. Because of them, my family is healthy and whole. They made the difference in our lives.
By Leah Howell, Training Coordinator, The Protect Our Children Project of The Children’s Adv0cacy Center of Jackson County
One aspect of effective child sexual abuse prevention is creating a relationship with your child or other children in your care that encourages openness about their body boundaries.
Adults should always support a child in deciding for themselves when and how they choose to show physical affection. Encouraging this autonomy establishes that the child is in control of the decisions that concern their bodies. If a child feels uncomfortable or uneasy or resistant to physical affection, they should be encouraged to verbalize and act on it without opposition from parents or other adults.
While taking the Stewards of Children training, participants are asked to think about how they would start a conversation with their child about establishing their body boundaries. This is a very important ongoing discussion to have with your child.
Many times this is an intimidating idea for parents who may not be comfortable knowing what to say, or how to start this conversation with their children. There are a number of age appropriate books and stories that will aid a parent in starting the conversation, and to help a child to understand. This blog summarizes a number of these helpful books: https://rhythmsofplay.com/books-that-help-kids-develop-healthy-personal-boundaries/
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
I am definitely my father’s daughter.
I can remember when I was 4 or so, following him around just like his shadow, no matter what he was doing. When he was mowing the lawn, I was right there in his footsteps making every turn, row by row. When he was building stuff out in the carport…you bet I was there with my fingers in my ears. I also remember my Dad making just about everything a game or a story. He used to hide Lifesavers around the house for me and my sister to find. He and I had this running story about Tippy our dog…which as I grew up sounded very much like stories of Snoopy’s adventures.
In my pre-adolescent years, we had a standing date every Saturday night from April to June or so. We would go downtown and watch Little League Baseball games. It didn’t matter really who was playing, but being a small town, we were pretty sure we would know the players. I love baseball to this day; not because of the game but because of those warm humid nights under the lights sitting in an uncomfortable lawn chair with my Dad next me. I don’t care about watching it on T.V. It isn’t about the game.
In high school I can remember more than once my dad wiping my tears after a broken heart—sometimes broken by a “dumb” boy, sometimes broken by my own actions and sometimes broken because life is unfair.
One of my very favorite “Dad” memories was my junior year in high school. My mom must have had something going on…I don’t remember how this fell to him, but he took me to the mall—an hour one way from our town—to shop for a prom dress. I remember that prom being a disaster for me, but I always smile when I think of it because I had the trendiest, prettiest dress featured in Seventeen magazine.
He has been such an important part of guiding me into the person that I am today. I sleep, to this day, with his dog tags lying on my nightstand from his Vietnam days. A symbol for me of determination, courage and survival—reminding me that obstacles are made to be overcome.
I see the importance of a father’s love in my son’s life. I see it in the way he mimics his father’s mannerisms. I hear it when he asks his dad “Did I do good?” after a baseball game or after casting his fishing line. I hear it in his laughter when he and his Dad are playing one of those annoying “boy” games that I don’t understand. I see it in his eyes when they light up when Dad tells him he’s done a good job. I see it when he deflates because Dad reprimanded him for something that he did. I know that he feels protected when his Dad is around because on the, now, rare occasions that his Dad travels without us; he somehow always ends up sleeping with me. No matter what…from leaf blowers (no joke) to sandals, “I want, fill in the blank, just like Dad’s!”
Sigmund Freud stated the strongest need in childhood is a father’s protection. There is research out there that says that children with involved fathers have a social and academic advantage over their counterparts whose dads are absent.
There is some evidence that a child’s primary relationship with his/her father can affect all of their future relationships from cradle to death. The early patterns of interaction with their father are the very patterns that will be replayed in future relationships. These patterns impact not only a child’s idea of who they are and how they relate to others, but also defines what is considered acceptable and loving when it comes to relationships for the child, throughout life.
Don’t believe it? Well there is a ton of research out there these days that back up these ideas—google it.
It makes sense to me. As a mom I don’t feel like believing this diminishes my role in my child’s life.
In a world that has historically always made an emphasis on how important our relationship with our mom is, this does shine some light on the role Dad’s play in the life of their children. Also, let’s be real, it takes some pressure off us moms! Not everything is our fault!
On this Father’s Day, I wish my Dad a very happy Father’s Day. Thank you for always being there to wipe my tears, to buy me dinner on my birthday, and to teach me about integrity, courage, perseverance, and to teach me about love. I wish my husband and my son’s father, a spectacular day! Thanks for helping to create and mold the most amazing little boy I have ever met.
On this Father’s Day I wish all the Dad’s or Dad substitutes out there, a very happy Father’s Day filled with all things spectacular! Your presence in the lives of our children is life changing! Your love, your participation, your guidance in the lives of our children is what is going to make a difference in the world we live in.
