By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
I am late with my Mother’s Day blog posting this year. It seems that along with all of you, it is taking me longer to get things done because my brain is filled with all things COVID-19.
I actually think a day to honor our maternal influences is not enough…we should have at least a week.
So, with that thought in mind, here is my Mother’s Day blog.
This year, I believe more than any other year for me, has highlighted the many, many roles our Mothers fill for our children and in this world. For me as a mom, the last two months have proved to be more challenging than when my child was a newborn. In those first few months of his life, I remember being sleep deprived and tired. I remember being scared that I was not doing “it” right. I remember a lot of private tears in the shower.
Well, in the last two months I have spent a lot of sleepless nights in worry. I have questioned whether I was doing “this” right.
There have been more tears in the shower as I tried to muster up enough steam to fulfill all the roles that I had shared with my “Mommy Tribe”, his teacher, and my son’s coaches. I have worried about my productivity at work. I have worried about whether I am giving enough to my child, to those I work with, to those in the community that I work with, and to the families and children the Children’s Advocacy Center serves.
Somewhere in those tears, I decided to give myself some grace. Instead of trying to be perfect, I lowered some expectations. For me the bar was set at “Do no harm”.
Now I recognize that seems pretty low. But when I set it that low for myself, I actually felt an energy surge. I was able to do more education opportunities for my son than his school was able. I was able to create some memories with my son and my family that I hope will bring smiles for a few years to come. I focused on making sure my son’s mental health was not being compromised by isolation.
What does all that look like? Well, it looks like camping in the yard. It looks like cool crafts. It looks like giving my child purpose by increasing some of his chores. It looks like hiking or taking long walks through our neighborhood. It looks like a chalk drawing on our front driveway. It looks like baking and cooking together. It looks like watching and discussing movies together to find hidden life lessons. It looks like practicing social skills. It looks like relaxing some of the rules when we can. It looks like creating structure and routine around distance learning for school and chores.
Most of the moms I know have become teachers, guidance counselors, and coaches in addition to their regular roles of meal-planner, referee, household manager, and nurturer. Some of us have added working from home, dog walker, and home sanitizer. And having to do so in isolation.
What can we do for ourselves? To keep us moms going? My mommy tribe has upped our text game. We check in on each other. We social distance in the driveway. We social distance in a parking lot. We remind each other to take care of ourselves. We plan for when we can bring our kids and our families back together for our regular gatherings. We give each other grace. We support each other as we all do what is right for our families, with no judgment when someone else does it differently.
For some families, there is a lot of added stress. For some children, food insecurities become even more prominent in their life as they miss the breakfasts and lunches provided to them at school. For some moms, stress is mounting as they try to figure out how to manage without an income, without knowing what will happen after the “goodwill” brought to us in the form of a stimulus check, mortgage payments put on hold, or rent delayed.
I am worried about children who were not safe before the pandemic. I am worried about children who have been put in unsafe situations because of the pandemic. I am worried about the Mommas feeling like they are failing at this homeschooling, stay at home, keep their family healthy with little to no resources nightmare that has become our hopefully short-term reality. I also know that, if experience is any indication, we will all come together through this and help those who need our help. If you fall into one of the above-mentioned worries….please ask for help. Jackson County is full of good people who want to do “good” and help you.
This has been a “Mother’s Day” to remember. What will you remember?
I hope you remember that it is okay to feel sad. It is okay to need help. I hope you remember to extend yourself some grace as being a Mom is hard, but it is really hard during a pandemic. I hope you remember it is okay to love being home with no outside influences. It is okay to feel whatever you are feeling. I hope that you remember that perfection is not attainable and that your child does not care about “perfect”.
It is okay to ask for “do-overs” – I do that all the time. Remember that really, at this time, it is okay to use up all of our energy on being okay and making sure our kids are okay. There is no one way to do this parenting in isolation thing. We don’t have a reference for parenting like this.
We have not been here before.
Remember your child will not remember this time the same way you might. They may remember this time as the time that you were the family hero keeping everything moving forward with very few resources.
By Dr. Sue Skinner, Interim Medical Director for The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
Times are stressful. Right here, right now. . . life is so much more complex and difficult than anything I would have ever imagined. . . even 3 months ago. But. I am one of the lucky ones; all my children have grown and I am not homeschooling them. When Oregon schools closed on March 12, all minor children came home. Even for the best of families, this was stressful. How to balance work, meals, education, sharing computers. . . all while worrying about what is going on in the world, and hoping no one gets sick and everyone keeps their job. In Jackson County, just like in other counties across the US, many families were struggling even before we knew about COVID-19. There were worries about finances or if the groceries would actually last all week, if the car was going to start the next time, if child support money would actually arrive, if they could keep making minimum payments on credit card debt, or how they would find suitable child care in order to attend their 12-step meeting and maintain sobriety, or their counseling appointment, addressing their own childhood trauma. Families who had many struggles were barely getting by. . . and then came the corona virus, and their kids came home.
With children out of school, parents are now responsible for keeping their kids on a schedule, making sure they “connect” with the online learning, addressing behaviors and discipline that siblings may be exhibiting more now that everyone is “cooped up” in a small space for an extended period of time. Caregivers find themselves infinitely more stressed than they were just a few months ago. And these children are more at risk for abuse. In her article, The Coronavirus Could Cause a Child Abuse Epidemic, Dr. Nina Agrawal reminds us that where there is household dysfunction, the risk of child abuse goes up. She states that suicide hotline calls are already up around the country, and New York is seeing an uptick in domestic violence. There are reports of a surge in suspected child abuse cases in Texas. She states that “many parents who are struggling. . . will no longer have any reprieve from the hard work of keeping children fed, entertained and educated.”
Now that schools are closed, I reflect on the irreplaceable foundation these institutions have become in our lives and I am reminded not only of the teachers who dedicate their long days to our kids but also the counselors, school nurses, resource officers, custodians, cafeteria staff, principals, and administrative body who work tirelessly behind the scenes. All of us can remember, without much difficulty, someone in our school years who made a big impression: I remember my 1st grade teacher, Mrs. Near, as being warm and accepting, during a year that was particularly difficult for me. My high school math teacher, Ms. Borchardt, was the single person who instilled my love of mathematics, encouraging me to choose it for my college major. School staff teach, of course. But they also support, guide, mentor, caretake. . . and protect our youth. This is, perhaps, one of their most valuable roles. School staff see children daily, for 9 months out of the year. Nationally, and in Jackson County, schools account for about 20% of the calls to the Child Abuse Hotline for exactly these reasons. They see children on a regular basis, they are often one of the first people children and adolescents feel safe talking to. Their role in child protection cannot be understated. They are a true safety net for all our children, one we have been without since March 12.
It is easy to feel overwhelmed, given the worldwide pandemic surrounding us. I like to remind myself of the saying “Just because you can’t do everything, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do something.” This helps to keep things in perspective. What can we do? It is better to do one small thing, rather than feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed into inaction. The second thing is that we stop and remember. . . we were all kids once! Every single one of us! Let’s challenge ourselves to be patient and tolerant of children, as we would have liked adults to have been with us when we were younger. Third—try this: Do something nice for a child who is in your life (maybe your own child, or a family member, or close neighbor). Then, try and do something nice for a child who is NOT in your life. Think—how can I ease stress for this child and this family during these difficult times? Help out at/donate at a food bank? Smile at a child you see on the walking path? Listen, more than talk? Donate supplies to your local school? Pick up the telephone and call the Child Abuse Hotline (in Oregon 1-855-503-7233) if you are concerned a child is being abused or neglected. Try and be the helper, the positive influence for children and families, the safety net that is so needed right now. Lastly, end your day with gratitude, for the teachers and all the school staff who teach and mentor our children. Each and every day, they are creating a better tomorrow.
“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” ~Mr. Rogers
Stewards of Children is an evidence-informed, award-winning two-hour
training that teaches adults to prevent, recognize, and react responsibly to
child sexual abuse. Through interviews with child sexual abuse survivors,
experts, and treatment providers, Stewards of Children® teaches adults
practical actions they can take to reduce instances of child sexual abuse
in their organizations, families, and communities.
Trainings will not be held during the month of December 2023, but will resume January 2024.
*Trainings will be held in-person
If you have questions regarding the trainings or would like to request a group training, contact Lacey Elliott at lelliott@cacjc.org or at 541-734-5437
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
The Coronavirus has become a pandemic crisis impacting every aspect of our lives. Parents are being forced into the role of educator as our children are pushed into a home-schooling situation. To add to that stress, many of us do not know how long we will have a paycheck or a job, as so many industries are having to reduce operations or shut down completely. We are being asked to limit contact with others.
All of this is causing anxieties to rise in both adults and children.
Be mindful that your children are looking to you to see if they should be scared. Do not completely ignore what is happening. Answer your child’s questions in an age appropriate way. Develop a new routine so that your child can feel safe. Talk to them about taking the recommended precautions to stay healthy.
Additionally, do a daily “worry” check in.
With my child it goes something like this, “Let’s check in. Tell me something you are worried about today?” or “Are you concerned about anything today?” It is enlightening what you may find out. Many days those concerns have nothing to do with what is currently happening and many times it is something that a parent can address easily. The latter is great. It gives you a boost in your confidence level as a parent and your child is reassured that things are okay. Soon, you may find that your child is initiating the daily check in. “Hey Mom! Tell me how your day went? What made you happy today?” At my house, we change the questions up. Sometimes worried focused questions, sometimes feelings focused questions and sometimes activity focused questions.
Here are some ideas for activities that you can do to keep your child engaged and to help with your own self-care during this unsettling time:
Read a book aloud. My child’s class has read-aloud time during the school day and it is something he enjoys. Pick a series and read together for thirty minutes a day.
Do an art project together. Draw, make slime, finger paint, color—build with Legos.
Write a “book” together. Develop a story line, take turns writing paragraphs, create illustrations. It can be a true or fantasy.
Take a hike. Go someplace and enjoy nature together.
Watch a movie or find a series on Netflix or Amazon Prime that is family friendly. Gilligan’s
Bake or cook with your child. This helps to develop math, reading and survival skills.
Teach your child to clean and disinfect.
Play outside…basketball, catch, blow bubbles, hide and seek, take a walk.
Play tic tac toe, board games, card games, or make up your own game.
Structure can help get you through this crisis and as a bonus the “together time activities” will help to strengthen family bonds.
By Summer Lewis, Internet/Social Media Contractor for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
The beginning of a new year is a great time to regroup, reevaluate and recommit to a new plan of action for protecting your kids from abuse. By knowing what to do and making a few simple changes, you can effectively and dramatically reduce the risk your children will be sexually abused.
Here are 5 actions you can take this year to jump-start your plan to prevent child abuse from impacting your family.
BE AWARE:
Begin by taking a critical look at your closest relationships — friends, family members, caregivers and any other adults in your child’s life. Accept the uncomfortable reality that your children are more likely to be abused by someone they know (and you trust.) Trust your gut and take action to minimize opportunities and/or remove any safety threats. Particularly avoid one-on-one child/adult situations. More here: https://www.d2l.org/education/5-steps/step-2/
TALK:
Talk openly and often about sexual abuse with your children. Use age appropriate language to talk about bodies and boundaries. Use everyday opportunities to start conversations. It can be awkward, uncomfortable and easy to put off. Don’t! If you need help about how to get started or what to say or do, visit: https://www.d2l.org/education/5-steps/step-3/
STAY INVOLVED:
Commit to staying closely involved with everything happening in your child’s life. Know and interact with every person that your child has contact with – other families, parents, teachers, coaches, any other adults and older children. Volunteer, participate, and attend. It will foster a closer relationship with your child, which is a protective factor for abuse, and it put predators on notice that you are watching. You can even tell people you have taken a child abuse prevention training and know how to recognize abuse, and that your child knows about body boundaries and to tell you if they are crossed.
MONITOR:
Keep computers in an easily view-able central location in your home. Have a rule that children may never give out this info online: name, phone #, email address, street address, password, picture, school. Remember internet technology can be mobile, so monitor cell phones, laptops, tablets and gaming devices. When it comes to internet safety, however, research shows that talking to kids about the reality and dangers of being online and teaching critical thinking is more protective than spying. For more on internet safety and discussion starters, visit: http://www.netsmartz.org/internetsafety
GET TRAINED:
Carve out some time for and commit to taking the short, free PROTECT OUR CHILDREN child abuse prevention training the CAC offers. You’ll learn about warnings signs of abuse, how to prevent abuse and how to react responsibly if you suspect abuse. Find out more and sign up for a training here: http://cacjc.org/trainings/protectourchildren/
Congratulations on being proactive by creating an action plan to keep your children safe from sexual abuse!
By Betsy Lewis, Social Media Contractor for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
The holidays are coming, and families and friends will be gathering together to celebrate.
Unfortunately, the holiday season is also the time of year when all types of child abuse increase.
And it is those we know, these very family members and friends, who are the ones most likely to abuse our children.
Here are some startling facts:
· 90% of children are abused by someone they know.
· 80% of sexual abuse occurs in one child – one adult situations.
· 30% of all child sexual abuse is perpetrated by other youth.
Put these facts together with the hectic holiday season, where adults and children are thrown together, regular schedules are in flux, parents are often stressed and distracted, and you can see why kids are at greater risk this time of year.
How can you protect your children? Darkness to Light/Stewards of Children, the curriculum we use in our Protect Our Children Trainings, calls it “Minimize Opportunity”
Here are suggestions for your holiday season that will minimize the opportunities for abuse:
1. Choose group situations and have multiple adults supervise children.
2. Scan the physical environment for hidden areas and correct dangers.
3. Make sure interactions are observed and interrupted.
4. Remember older youth should not be in isolated, one-on-one situations with younger children.
5. Talk to kids about body boundaries (immediately, frequently and all year long.) Tell them they do not have to give or receive hugs, kisses, or other affection. Tell them to talk to you if anyone crosses their body boundaries. If your child tells you that he doesn’t want to be around a particular person or participate in a particular outing, take her or him seriously.
6. Avoid one child – one adult situations. If you do have to leave your child alone with someone, make it “observable and interruptible.” Let the adult know that you could return at any time, that you and your child are educated about child sexual abuse and that you have taught your child to tell you if there are body boundary violations.
7. Have a household open door policy – no interior doors are to be shut.
8. Make sure all outings, games and activities are observable by you or others.
9. Make any interactions with older children observable by multiple adults.
10. Be aware of “roughhousing.” Know that tickling, poking the stomach, patting the butt or knees, rubbing shoulders, can all be part of the grooming process.
This is a hard truth and can be difficult to hear and accept: You cannot trust anyone 100% and no one is exempt, not even the closest, most beloved family members.
Additionally, be sure to manage your own stress level and drug and alcohol use so you can be alert and aware. Most importantly, go with your instincts. Pay attention and take the necessary steps to correct any dangers if anything bothers you about someone who spends time with your child.
The best way to keep the holidays a beautiful and magical experience and memory is to take good care of you and yours. You matter!
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
Spoiler alert! This is really an opinion piece and personal in some regards. You will be reading a lot of “I” statements and a lot of things that are based on my personal experience. If that interests you then I invite you to continue reading.
Generally, when we talk about child abuse, we talk about prevention or intervention. Prevention comes in a lot of different forms. Some examples are classes teaching you to recognize and respond to signs of abuse (like our Protect Our Children program), increasing efforts to address social problems (i.e. substance abuse, poverty, or homelessness) or increasing awareness. Interventions usually come after an episode of abuse has occurred. Examples of these are medical evaluations and treatments, mental health services, forensic interviews, advocacy and support to the victim and their non-offending caregivers, and prosecution of the offender.
I have been musing a lot over prevention programming and interventions and how they fit together.
Traditionally, the work of a Child Advocacy Center (in the national model sense) has been on the intervention side. Many CAC’s have either long-established prevention programs or are beginning to dip their toes into the prevention arena.
Most of my professional experience has been in tertiary prevention. Tertiary prevention is defined as actions that reduce impact of injury that has already occurred or preventing on going injury by detecting and responding to prevent long term problems. What this means in the CAC world is we help to give parents tools to keep their kids safe in the future, we provide interventions to respond to the abuse of a child to mitigate the long term impact on their emotional well-being and overall health, and we hope to help parents keep their kids safe from abuse in the future.
In the last ten years or so I have been looking more intently at primary prevention.
It becomes overwhelming and seems like a daunting task to eradicate child abuse. Some days it seems impossible.
The depressing truth of the matter is that the causes of child abuse are so varied that it becomes hard to see how our work can make any real difference. There are those “causes” that seem more easy to impact. Things like lack of parenting knowledge, or even poverty or substance abuse. There are tangible things that we can do. We can provide parenting classes. We can provide job training and tangible benefits to help bridge the gaps. We can make housing assistance opportunities available. These are concrete actions that you can take that will reduce stress and reduce risk for child abuse.
Today, for the purposes of this blog, I want to talk about what we can do to reduce the risk for our children to become victims of abuse early in childhood…from the first breath, so to speak.
Before I dive into that, I do want to acknowledge that abuse is pervasive. We can do every single thing right and our child can be abused by someone we trust. As a professional in the field, my advice is to do everything we can and if something still happens to our child, we need to remember to blame the offender and not ourselves.
We cannot do “lazy” parenting.
This is what I call it when I get on auto pilot. I fall into the routine and stop asking the daily questions with my son. I forget to check in on how things are going and fall into false safety that if everything was not okay, my son would tell me. This is a dangerous place for a parent to be.
As a parent, I believe that the minute our child is born, we should begin to strategically pay “attention” as a way to prevent child abuse. AND that it should be an active, not passive, process. I know. Even as I type that out it seems dramatic, over the top and somewhat “crazy”. But hear me out.
We need to immediately begin to build resiliency in our child and to create a parent child relationship that nurtures safety, acceptance and love.
Here are some things I believe are important to start from day one, so to speak:
Spend quality and quantity time with your child.
Sing to your child. Read to your child. Smile at your child. Reading or singing to your children helps to build a connection. I am an awful singer, but I would make up songs to tunes of familiar children’s songs using my child’s name. He would light up with delight when he heard his name. We did this until the day he was old enough to ask me to stop singing and turn on the radio because I wasn’t doing it right. I will let you in on a secret. I sometimes still do this. I get eye rolls and sometimes giggles. Usually followed by “Mom, you are so weird!”
When your child begins to develop speech, have conversations with them about what to do when they do not feel safe and who they can turn to for help.
Create a regular routine.
Children, even very young children, feel safety in knowing that their needs will be met. It reduces anxiety. They know what to expect. As they grow, let them negotiate changes in the routine. I found that once my child understood the connection between the routine and his safety, health, or behavior; he was more accepting of the parts of the routine he did not like.
Believe it or not, children thrive when they have boundaries enforced.
These boundaries will also help to create an understanding of things that are unsafe physically (as in, don’t get too close to the edge of the balcony) and emotionally (as in, unhealthy relationships or friendships that are based on bullying).
Along the way, make sure that your children have lots of family time and closeness.
During times of high anxiety, increase the time you spend with them playing with them, reading with them, or doing things they enjoy. This sets in place a familiar pattern. In times of stress or feelings of anxiety, they will know they can turn to you. It may even become instinct to turn to you.
Always listen when they talk to you.
Even when it is about something they saw on YouTube or something silly from their favorite TV show or book. I try to listen intently and be interested. I am even trying to understand Minecraft. If you hear the small stuff and respond, then they will come to you with the big stuff because it will feel safe. If you hear the small stuff and respond, then they do not need to learn how to filter stuff out. They won’t need to figure out what is a big deal and what isn’t. They will tell you all of it.
When they begin to spend time with people when you are not around…always ask “THE” questions.
You know…Do you have firearms? Where are they kept? Will my child have access to them? Who will be there? What adults will be there? What kids will be there? What is the supervision plan? What activities are planned? Where do you keep medications?
I do not generally let my child spend the night with someone where I have not met their parents and that I have not spent an hour or more in conversation. In fact, in his ten years of life, he has spent time at my parents’ house, my sisters’ house and three other children’s house without me being present. It isn’t me being over protective. And I am definitely not saying children should not spend time with friends without their parents. This is an important developmental milestone. What I am saying is to do your due diligence. Don’t just know their name. Get to know the people that will be around your child. If you child makes a new friend that you don’t know, then find an opportunity to visit with the parents and the child.
Then I always do a check in afterwards with my son. Did you have fun? What was the best part? What was the worst part? Who was there? What did you do? Only, make it more of a conversation. My son begins to catch on and tells me he does not like to answer questions; or “Mom, I don’t like this game.” Be creative. It is less about the answers unless something concerning comes up and more about putting into place a pattern of conversation and teaching him who to come to if he needs to talk.
Eat dinner together as a family. No electronics at the table.
This is a powerful way to build relationships. It may seem old school or out of style, but there is something nurturing about sharing a meal together. When you sit down to eat together, it gives you an opportunity to look at each other eye to eye. It gives you an opportunity to teach manners and etiquette that can be helpful when they become adults. It gives you an opportunity to slow things down for an hour or so. No matter what else is going on before or after, you can always count on that one hour a day to be together. It is one way to show your children that “family time” is a priority. They are a priority.
Kids need to know they have value. They need to know this when they feel good about themselves, so they will remember when they feel bad about themselves.
Here are some harder ones. Model self-love.
Children imitate what they hear. I know this is true. I have become obsessed with my weight in the last few years. I get a reality check when I hear things I have said about my body coming out of my child’s mouth in connection to his body. We need to love ourselves! I want my insecurities to end with me and not be passed down to my son.
Let your child see you fail at something or not be good at something.
Don’t wear your superhero cape all the time. Children need to see that it is okay not to be good at everything and that failure is the first step in success. They need to know that it is not the end of the world to make a mistake. My son and I have been talking a lot about integrity, courage and kindness.
Help your child set goals.
Help your child find their passion.
Help your child be kind to others.
Teach your child compassion and empathy.
Help your child be a friend and make friends.
Give them opportunity to have a social circle. Build your tribe. Your tribe as in those people who you count on and who count on you. Those people you socialize with and that help you teach social skills to your children.
Why is all of this important in prevention of child abuse? How does it all fit together?
Building strong confident children help them to navigate the world better. Being present in their life puts everyone on notice that you are there and you are protecting your child. Teaching them to fail gracefully, to be a loyal friend, to accept help, to love themselves…all help to teach your child to be resilient. Helping them to find their passion and keeping them busy, keeps them healthy and gives them an outlet when they are feeling anxious.
Each skill taught, each nurturing moment, each opportunity to be present in their life…all represent a piece of a puzzle.
Fitting them all together helps to build strong children, create a safety net, put would-be offenders on notice and model a communication style that when they do get in unsafe situations they will know how to ask for help.
As a bonus, when I am doing these things and doing them regularly, I find my own parenting anxieties are decreased. I find my own life more in balance. I find my relationship with my husband stronger which enables us to parent more cohesively.
By Betsy Lewis, Internet and Social Media Contractor for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
I don’t know about you, but back when I was a parent in the 1980s and ‘90s I didn’t know much about child abuse or how to prevent it.
I just assumed it wouldn’t happen to my kids – because I wouldn’t let it. But to be honest, if you had asked me how I would not let this happen, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you. The only thing I did back then was to tell my kids not to go with strangers – better known as “Stranger Danger.”
I figured since I was a good parent and we lived in a nice neighborhood in a family-oriented community – that this wouldn’t be a concern. I believed child abuse happened somewhere else. I sent my kids freely to various summer camps, enrolled them in sports and let them go to their friends’ homes and sleep-overs where I only knew the host families superficially. I grew up this way and my parents did the same thing.
NOW, as part of the CAC, I am dismayed by how irresponsible this was.
What I know today is that 1 in 10 kids will be abuse before their 18st birthday and that child sexual abuse happens EVERYWHERE – that it doesn’t matter if you are a good parent, live in a nice neighborhood, have good friends or a close family.
Here is what I know now:
90% of child abuse victims are abused by someone they know.
60% of abusers are acquaintances — like teachers, neighbors, or community leaders.
30% of abusers are immediate or extended family.
Only 10% of abusers are STRANGERS to the child.
Now that I am a grandparent, I want something different for my 9-year-old grandson. I want to do better. I want to make sure he is protected. I want to get it right for him.
Last year, I invited my 28-year-old daughter (the mother of said 9-year-old grandson) to attend a free PROTECT OUR CHILDREN child abuse prevention training with me. She is a wonderful mom and I am very proud of her, but I wanted her to know and do more about child abuse than I did as her mother. I wanted her to be better informed than I was.
The two of us set down together at a free training at the Medford library — on behalf of this little boy we both love — learning how to keep him safe. Then we had a nice dinner out and talked about what we had learned. It was truly bonding. (I always tear up when I think or talk about it.)
Soon after the training, I saw my daughter putting her training into practice by being an “active bystander” and reassuring a friend who had made a report of abuse that she had “done the right thing.”
She was not only able to know how to protect her child, she was vigilantly caring for other kids around her.
Grandparents! We know your adult/parent children are crazy busy — but grab them and take them to a child abuse prevention training with you or babysit for the grand kids while they take a training.
If you haven’t taken the training yourself, schedule a time to do that. YOU can be an active bystander by learning how to protect your grand kids, knowing the signs of abuse and knowing how to react responsibly if you suspect abuse.
The fact is that many sexually abused children (possibly your grandchildren) will suffer trauma severe enough to negatively impact their adult lives. They are 3X more likely to abuse drugs or alcohol and 2x more likely to drop out of school.
We may be older, but going forward and armed with knowledge of the true threat, we must do better for our grandchildren. As active bystanders, we truly can be a powerful force for good in the lives of the children of our community and future generations.
You can find out more and sign up for the FREE Protect Our Children training here: http://cacjc.org/trainings
I have worked at summer camps for most of my career. I started as a junior camp counselor, and over the course of high school, college, and graduate school found myself drawn to camp program management in the most beautiful of settings. I completed my graduate thesis at a summer camp, and have never regretted contributing the majority of my time and efforts to concepts of leadership development, environmental conservation, and teamwork during these years.
As the past Training Coordinator for a sexual abuse prevention program at the CAC, and learning about prevention as well as the prevalence of sexual abuse, I recognize how inadequate the standard camp measures were in creating a flawlessly safe environment for youth. As Camp Counselors, Program Directors and Camp Administrators, safety was on our radar – we were keenly aware of the dangerous and overtly suspicious situations involving adults and youth. However, looking back over the course of many years working and living at camps, I now more fully recognize the potentially compromising environments that exist in a youth camp setting. Consistent and costly changes to the camp’s physical environment, facilities, organizational processes and staff structures would have been needed to totally eliminate potentially harmful situations. I doubt much has changed in camp standards in the last 15 years.
I do not say all this to scare you, Parents. Camp can be a wonderful enriching experience in a youth’s life. I only say this to communicate how crucial it is for you to get proactively involved to increase the protection of your kids. I advise this not only as they go away to day camp or sleep away camp, but as they interact with organizations of all kinds.
Here is some great advice from Dr. Jackie Humans, on how to best prevent, recognize and react to sexual abuse, which can be applied to all organizations that provide care for your child.
“According to Psychology Today, adolescents account for approximately 50% of all sexual abuse. Unfortunately, summer camp is an ideal place for abusers; in recent years, sexual abuse has occurred at Christian camps, publicly funded camps, Boy Scout camps, and even the camp run by the school President Obama’s daughters attend. While no camp is immune from the possibility of sexual abuse, there are five important steps parents can take to prevent their child from becoming a victim of abuse.
Educate about body parts
When teaching your child the names of body parts, use the proper terms for penis, scrotum, vagina and anus. The use of euphemisms can jeopardize your child’s credibility should they someday need to report abuse. Explain that these parts of their body are very private, and that no one should be touching them there unless that person has a legitimate reason (e.g., a pediatrician or early child care provider).
Because every child molester asks their victims to keep the abuse between the two of them, teach your child that it’s never okay to keep a secret (unless it has an ‘expiration’ date, such as a surprise party) and that if someone touches their private parts they need to tell you or another adult (many camps forbid cell phones) immediately; and to keep telling until they get help.
Even if someone just makes them feel uncomfortable or creepy when they’re nearby, they need to report it.
Make it clear that no matter what another child or adult may tell them, they will never get into trouble for reporting.
Lastly, move heaven and earth to make sure that no adult is ever allowed to be alone with your child. The only way abusers can do what they do is by having uninterrupted, private access to a child.
Screen the camp
It is important for parents to know that the camp has policies and procedures in place to minimize the risk of sexual abuse. Parents should ask the following questions:
Are criminal background checks (including the sex offenders registry) performed on all personnel? How many references does the camp require, and how does the camp check them?
What training do staff members receive about child sexual abuse?
How are campers made aware of what to do if they feel unsafe?
Under what circumstances are staff members allowed to be alone with a camper? (The answer needs to be: NONE!)
How does the camp monitor behavior of older campers with their younger peers?
Are at least two adult counselors assigned to sleep in each cabin?
Who is responsible for enforcing camp rules and regulations?
Recognize potential abusers
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention reported in 2005 that 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are sexually assaulted before the age of 18. The vast majority of abusers (90%) are male, and 71% of the time, the abuser knows the victim.
Whenever someone seems to be overly interested in your child, beware. Camps routinely forbid their counselors to babysit or spend time with campers outside camp precisely because a counselor who has had the opportunity to develop a close relationship with your child is in a position to have an undue amount of influence. Sexual predators tend to be masters at “grooming” their victims by insinuating themselves into their victim’s life and becoming someone the child likes and trusts.
What many parents don’t realize is that almost a third of sexually abused children are victimized by an older child. That’s why it’s important to know what the camp’s policies are regarding how much contact is permitted between different age groups and how well supervised the groups are.
Know the warning signs of sexual abuse
Warning signs of sexual abuse in younger children:
Trouble walking or sitting
Precocious awareness of sexual topics
Seductive behavior
Unprecedented shyness about getting undressed
Avoiding a specific individual for no apparent reason
Sleep disturbances
Bedwetting or soiling
Expressing concern about genitalia
Reluctance to go back to camp
Warning signs of sexual abuse in older children:
Unusual interest in or avoidance of sexual topics
Depression or suicidal thoughts
Self-isolation/emotional aloofness
Hostility or aggressive behavior
Secretiveness
Seductive behavior
Sleep disturbances
Substance abuse
Reluctance to go back to camp
Know what to do if you suspect abuse
Support your child: Research shows that the single most important factor in a child’s doing well after being abused is the steady emotional support of their parents. First and foremost, keep your true feelings hidden and remain calm and collected. It’s the most courageous and kindest thing you can do for your child.
Explain that abuse is never, ever their fault. Many times victims of child sexual abuse will wait years or decades before revealing what happened, and even then it’s usually only to their therapist. When asked why they never reported the abuse as a child, patients admit that sometimes the sexual stimulation of their genitalia was pleasurable and they always believed this meant the abuse was partially their own fault. That’s why it’s critically important to explain to a child that the abuse is never, ever their fault, not even a little tiny bit, no matter what.
Make sure they know you believe them. Some children never report sexual abuse because they fear they won’t be believed, especially when the abuser is known and trusted by the family. Tell your child you believe them; children rarely lie about having been sexually abused. Acting as though you might doubt your child will only compound the psychological damage sustained from having been abused.
Praise them for sharing. After your child has finished telling you what happened, praise them for confiding in you and let them know you realize it couldn’t have been easy. Then immediately notify the local authorities or call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1.800.4.A.CHILD (1.800.422.4453)
Minimizing the chances of abuse
Child molesters are adept at manipulating their victims into believing that the abuse is the child’s fault, that they won’t be believed if it’s reported, and that they or someone they love will get hurt if abuse gets reported. By letting your child know their private parts are off limits to others and that they will never get in trouble for reporting, that it’s never OK for someone to ask them to keep a “forever” secret, and by not allowing any adult to be alone with your child, you’re making your child far less vulnerable to predators who know how to exploit the naivete of children.
Dr. Jackie Humans is a graduate of the Workplace Bullying Institute, the only organization in the United States that trains individuals how to present anti-bullying programs for bullying in the workplace. She also works with Child Abuse Prevention Services (CAPS), a nonprofit organization that sends volunteers into schools to present programs about keeping kids safe. She is a well-known speaker and program leader on subjects such as bully prevention, Internet safety, sexual harassment, date rape and child abuse, and the author of 15 Ways to ZAP a Bully!
By Claudia Cervantes, Protect Our Children Project Bilingual Training Coordinator
Recently I attended the Regional Meeting of Coordinators of the Protect Our Children Project that took place in Eugene. It was a full day of inspiration and learning, and I can certainly say that after the first conference, I was not the same person.
Now I am someone with a new hope filling my heart: Resilience.
We can all heal and overcome the traumas that we experienced in our childhood and live a life with meaning, with purpose.
Doctor and therapist, Amy Stoeber, spoke about the adverse experiences in childhood (ACEs) and how they can be treated through an Education for Resilience. We are all born with the ability to be resilient. That means we are born with the ability to overcome the traumas we experienced in childhood and face life developing our strengths. And although this is a natural skill, “Resilience can be taught, modeled and improved,” says Doctor Stoeber.
Through new routines, the brains of children and adolescents are modified and new connections are built in the brain structure to develop new behaviors and abilities.
If adults promote the ability to be resilient, children and adolescents can develop skills of social competence, autonomy, problem solving, a sense of purpose and a belief in a bright future.
But, how to obtain positive results in an education for resilience?
Here I share some ideas of Dr. Stoeber for creating a support system when promoting education to improve resilience in children:
On the part of the parents:
Unconditional love. Remind your son or daughter that you love them no matter what happens or what they do.
Model the behaviors that are expected. Look them in the eyes, do not lie, hug, be orderly, respectful, and kind.
On the part of the professionals (teachers, therapists, other adults in professional roles.)
Communicate without judging. Parents and children should feel that the support people are not there to judge them.
We are a team. The goals we want to achieve are established together – through a language that implies an “us”.
Dr. Stoeber also shared some ideas about how to spend time with your children and help them develop Resilience. She suggests spending 10 minutes a day, three times a week, avoiding all distractions such as cell phone use and letting your son or daughter choose a game or activity.
Here’s idea for one game to play with your children: “I love you no matter what.”
I played this game with my nine-year-old daughter and asked, “Do you love me even if I do not cook quesadillas every day?” And she told me, “Yes mom, I love you anyways.” And then she asked me, “Do you love me even though sometimes I get mad?” And I said, “Yes, I love you no matter what.”
