By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
I am late with my Mother’s Day blog posting this year. It seems that along with all of you, it is taking me longer to get things done because my brain is filled with all things COVID-19.
I actually think a day to honor our maternal influences is not enough…we should have at least a week.
So, with that thought in mind, here is my Mother’s Day blog.
This year, I believe more than any other year for me, has highlighted the many, many roles our Mothers fill for our children and in this world. For me as a mom, the last two months have proved to be more challenging than when my child was a newborn. In those first few months of his life, I remember being sleep deprived and tired. I remember being scared that I was not doing “it” right. I remember a lot of private tears in the shower.
Well, in the last two months I have spent a lot of sleepless nights in worry. I have questioned whether I was doing “this” right.
There have been more tears in the shower as I tried to muster up enough steam to fulfill all the roles that I had shared with my “Mommy Tribe”, his teacher, and my son’s coaches. I have worried about my productivity at work. I have worried about whether I am giving enough to my child, to those I work with, to those in the community that I work with, and to the families and children the Children’s Advocacy Center serves.
Somewhere in those tears, I decided to give myself some grace. Instead of trying to be perfect, I lowered some expectations. For me the bar was set at “Do no harm”.
Now I recognize that seems pretty low. But when I set it that low for myself, I actually felt an energy surge. I was able to do more education opportunities for my son than his school was able. I was able to create some memories with my son and my family that I hope will bring smiles for a few years to come. I focused on making sure my son’s mental health was not being compromised by isolation.
What does all that look like? Well, it looks like camping in the yard. It looks like cool crafts. It looks like giving my child purpose by increasing some of his chores. It looks like hiking or taking long walks through our neighborhood. It looks like a chalk drawing on our front driveway. It looks like baking and cooking together. It looks like watching and discussing movies together to find hidden life lessons. It looks like practicing social skills. It looks like relaxing some of the rules when we can. It looks like creating structure and routine around distance learning for school and chores.
Most of the moms I know have become teachers, guidance counselors, and coaches in addition to their regular roles of meal-planner, referee, household manager, and nurturer. Some of us have added working from home, dog walker, and home sanitizer. And having to do so in isolation.
What can we do for ourselves? To keep us moms going? My mommy tribe has upped our text game. We check in on each other. We social distance in the driveway. We social distance in a parking lot. We remind each other to take care of ourselves. We plan for when we can bring our kids and our families back together for our regular gatherings. We give each other grace. We support each other as we all do what is right for our families, with no judgment when someone else does it differently.
For some families, there is a lot of added stress. For some children, food insecurities become even more prominent in their life as they miss the breakfasts and lunches provided to them at school. For some moms, stress is mounting as they try to figure out how to manage without an income, without knowing what will happen after the “goodwill” brought to us in the form of a stimulus check, mortgage payments put on hold, or rent delayed.
I am worried about children who were not safe before the pandemic. I am worried about children who have been put in unsafe situations because of the pandemic. I am worried about the Mommas feeling like they are failing at this homeschooling, stay at home, keep their family healthy with little to no resources nightmare that has become our hopefully short-term reality. I also know that, if experience is any indication, we will all come together through this and help those who need our help. If you fall into one of the above-mentioned worries….please ask for help. Jackson County is full of good people who want to do “good” and help you.
This has been a “Mother’s Day” to remember. What will you remember?
I hope you remember that it is okay to feel sad. It is okay to need help. I hope you remember to extend yourself some grace as being a Mom is hard, but it is really hard during a pandemic. I hope you remember it is okay to love being home with no outside influences. It is okay to feel whatever you are feeling. I hope that you remember that perfection is not attainable and that your child does not care about “perfect”.
It is okay to ask for “do-overs” – I do that all the time. Remember that really, at this time, it is okay to use up all of our energy on being okay and making sure our kids are okay. There is no one way to do this parenting in isolation thing. We don’t have a reference for parenting like this.
We have not been here before.
Remember your child will not remember this time the same way you might. They may remember this time as the time that you were the family hero keeping everything moving forward with very few resources.
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
Spoiler alert! This is really an opinion piece and personal in some regards. You will be reading a lot of “I” statements and a lot of things that are based on my personal experience. If that interests you then I invite you to continue reading.
Generally, when we talk about child abuse, we talk about prevention or intervention. Prevention comes in a lot of different forms. Some examples are classes teaching you to recognize and respond to signs of abuse (like our Protect Our Children program), increasing efforts to address social problems (i.e. substance abuse, poverty, or homelessness) or increasing awareness. Interventions usually come after an episode of abuse has occurred. Examples of these are medical evaluations and treatments, mental health services, forensic interviews, advocacy and support to the victim and their non-offending caregivers, and prosecution of the offender.
I have been musing a lot over prevention programming and interventions and how they fit together.
Traditionally, the work of a Child Advocacy Center (in the national model sense) has been on the intervention side. Many CAC’s have either long-established prevention programs or are beginning to dip their toes into the prevention arena.
Most of my professional experience has been in tertiary prevention. Tertiary prevention is defined as actions that reduce impact of injury that has already occurred or preventing on going injury by detecting and responding to prevent long term problems. What this means in the CAC world is we help to give parents tools to keep their kids safe in the future, we provide interventions to respond to the abuse of a child to mitigate the long term impact on their emotional well-being and overall health, and we hope to help parents keep their kids safe from abuse in the future.
In the last ten years or so I have been looking more intently at primary prevention.
It becomes overwhelming and seems like a daunting task to eradicate child abuse. Some days it seems impossible.
The depressing truth of the matter is that the causes of child abuse are so varied that it becomes hard to see how our work can make any real difference. There are those “causes” that seem more easy to impact. Things like lack of parenting knowledge, or even poverty or substance abuse. There are tangible things that we can do. We can provide parenting classes. We can provide job training and tangible benefits to help bridge the gaps. We can make housing assistance opportunities available. These are concrete actions that you can take that will reduce stress and reduce risk for child abuse.
Today, for the purposes of this blog, I want to talk about what we can do to reduce the risk for our children to become victims of abuse early in childhood…from the first breath, so to speak.
Before I dive into that, I do want to acknowledge that abuse is pervasive. We can do every single thing right and our child can be abused by someone we trust. As a professional in the field, my advice is to do everything we can and if something still happens to our child, we need to remember to blame the offender and not ourselves.
We cannot do “lazy” parenting.
This is what I call it when I get on auto pilot. I fall into the routine and stop asking the daily questions with my son. I forget to check in on how things are going and fall into false safety that if everything was not okay, my son would tell me. This is a dangerous place for a parent to be.
As a parent, I believe that the minute our child is born, we should begin to strategically pay “attention” as a way to prevent child abuse. AND that it should be an active, not passive, process. I know. Even as I type that out it seems dramatic, over the top and somewhat “crazy”. But hear me out.
We need to immediately begin to build resiliency in our child and to create a parent child relationship that nurtures safety, acceptance and love.
Here are some things I believe are important to start from day one, so to speak:
Spend quality and quantity time with your child.
Sing to your child. Read to your child. Smile at your child. Reading or singing to your children helps to build a connection. I am an awful singer, but I would make up songs to tunes of familiar children’s songs using my child’s name. He would light up with delight when he heard his name. We did this until the day he was old enough to ask me to stop singing and turn on the radio because I wasn’t doing it right. I will let you in on a secret. I sometimes still do this. I get eye rolls and sometimes giggles. Usually followed by “Mom, you are so weird!”
When your child begins to develop speech, have conversations with them about what to do when they do not feel safe and who they can turn to for help.
Create a regular routine.
Children, even very young children, feel safety in knowing that their needs will be met. It reduces anxiety. They know what to expect. As they grow, let them negotiate changes in the routine. I found that once my child understood the connection between the routine and his safety, health, or behavior; he was more accepting of the parts of the routine he did not like.
Believe it or not, children thrive when they have boundaries enforced.
These boundaries will also help to create an understanding of things that are unsafe physically (as in, don’t get too close to the edge of the balcony) and emotionally (as in, unhealthy relationships or friendships that are based on bullying).
Along the way, make sure that your children have lots of family time and closeness.
During times of high anxiety, increase the time you spend with them playing with them, reading with them, or doing things they enjoy. This sets in place a familiar pattern. In times of stress or feelings of anxiety, they will know they can turn to you. It may even become instinct to turn to you.
Always listen when they talk to you.
Even when it is about something they saw on YouTube or something silly from their favorite TV show or book. I try to listen intently and be interested. I am even trying to understand Minecraft. If you hear the small stuff and respond, then they will come to you with the big stuff because it will feel safe. If you hear the small stuff and respond, then they do not need to learn how to filter stuff out. They won’t need to figure out what is a big deal and what isn’t. They will tell you all of it.
When they begin to spend time with people when you are not around…always ask “THE” questions.
You know…Do you have firearms? Where are they kept? Will my child have access to them? Who will be there? What adults will be there? What kids will be there? What is the supervision plan? What activities are planned? Where do you keep medications?
I do not generally let my child spend the night with someone where I have not met their parents and that I have not spent an hour or more in conversation. In fact, in his ten years of life, he has spent time at my parents’ house, my sisters’ house and three other children’s house without me being present. It isn’t me being over protective. And I am definitely not saying children should not spend time with friends without their parents. This is an important developmental milestone. What I am saying is to do your due diligence. Don’t just know their name. Get to know the people that will be around your child. If you child makes a new friend that you don’t know, then find an opportunity to visit with the parents and the child.
Then I always do a check in afterwards with my son. Did you have fun? What was the best part? What was the worst part? Who was there? What did you do? Only, make it more of a conversation. My son begins to catch on and tells me he does not like to answer questions; or “Mom, I don’t like this game.” Be creative. It is less about the answers unless something concerning comes up and more about putting into place a pattern of conversation and teaching him who to come to if he needs to talk.
Eat dinner together as a family. No electronics at the table.
This is a powerful way to build relationships. It may seem old school or out of style, but there is something nurturing about sharing a meal together. When you sit down to eat together, it gives you an opportunity to look at each other eye to eye. It gives you an opportunity to teach manners and etiquette that can be helpful when they become adults. It gives you an opportunity to slow things down for an hour or so. No matter what else is going on before or after, you can always count on that one hour a day to be together. It is one way to show your children that “family time” is a priority. They are a priority.
Kids need to know they have value. They need to know this when they feel good about themselves, so they will remember when they feel bad about themselves.
Here are some harder ones. Model self-love.
Children imitate what they hear. I know this is true. I have become obsessed with my weight in the last few years. I get a reality check when I hear things I have said about my body coming out of my child’s mouth in connection to his body. We need to love ourselves! I want my insecurities to end with me and not be passed down to my son.
Let your child see you fail at something or not be good at something.
Don’t wear your superhero cape all the time. Children need to see that it is okay not to be good at everything and that failure is the first step in success. They need to know that it is not the end of the world to make a mistake. My son and I have been talking a lot about integrity, courage and kindness.
Help your child set goals.
Help your child find their passion.
Help your child be kind to others.
Teach your child compassion and empathy.
Help your child be a friend and make friends.
Give them opportunity to have a social circle. Build your tribe. Your tribe as in those people who you count on and who count on you. Those people you socialize with and that help you teach social skills to your children.
Why is all of this important in prevention of child abuse? How does it all fit together?
Building strong confident children help them to navigate the world better. Being present in their life puts everyone on notice that you are there and you are protecting your child. Teaching them to fail gracefully, to be a loyal friend, to accept help, to love themselves…all help to teach your child to be resilient. Helping them to find their passion and keeping them busy, keeps them healthy and gives them an outlet when they are feeling anxious.
Each skill taught, each nurturing moment, each opportunity to be present in their life…all represent a piece of a puzzle.
Fitting them all together helps to build strong children, create a safety net, put would-be offenders on notice and model a communication style that when they do get in unsafe situations they will know how to ask for help.
As a bonus, when I am doing these things and doing them regularly, I find my own parenting anxieties are decreased. I find my own life more in balance. I find my relationship with my husband stronger which enables us to parent more cohesively.
By Betsy Lewis, Internet and Social Media Contractor for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
I don’t know about you, but back when I was a parent in the 1980s and ‘90s I didn’t know much about child abuse or how to prevent it.
I just assumed it wouldn’t happen to my kids – because I wouldn’t let it. But to be honest, if you had asked me how I would not let this happen, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you. The only thing I did back then was to tell my kids not to go with strangers – better known as “Stranger Danger.”
I figured since I was a good parent and we lived in a nice neighborhood in a family-oriented community – that this wouldn’t be a concern. I believed child abuse happened somewhere else. I sent my kids freely to various summer camps, enrolled them in sports and let them go to their friends’ homes and sleep-overs where I only knew the host families superficially. I grew up this way and my parents did the same thing.
NOW, as part of the CAC, I am dismayed by how irresponsible this was.
What I know today is that 1 in 10 kids will be abuse before their 18st birthday and that child sexual abuse happens EVERYWHERE – that it doesn’t matter if you are a good parent, live in a nice neighborhood, have good friends or a close family.
Here is what I know now:
90% of child abuse victims are abused by someone they know.
60% of abusers are acquaintances — like teachers, neighbors, or community leaders.
30% of abusers are immediate or extended family.
Only 10% of abusers are STRANGERS to the child.
Now that I am a grandparent, I want something different for my 9-year-old grandson. I want to do better. I want to make sure he is protected. I want to get it right for him.
Last year, I invited my 28-year-old daughter (the mother of said 9-year-old grandson) to attend a free PROTECT OUR CHILDREN child abuse prevention training with me. She is a wonderful mom and I am very proud of her, but I wanted her to know and do more about child abuse than I did as her mother. I wanted her to be better informed than I was.
The two of us set down together at a free training at the Medford library — on behalf of this little boy we both love — learning how to keep him safe. Then we had a nice dinner out and talked about what we had learned. It was truly bonding. (I always tear up when I think or talk about it.)
Soon after the training, I saw my daughter putting her training into practice by being an “active bystander” and reassuring a friend who had made a report of abuse that she had “done the right thing.”
She was not only able to know how to protect her child, she was vigilantly caring for other kids around her.
Grandparents! We know your adult/parent children are crazy busy — but grab them and take them to a child abuse prevention training with you or babysit for the grand kids while they take a training.
If you haven’t taken the training yourself, schedule a time to do that. YOU can be an active bystander by learning how to protect your grand kids, knowing the signs of abuse and knowing how to react responsibly if you suspect abuse.
The fact is that many sexually abused children (possibly your grandchildren) will suffer trauma severe enough to negatively impact their adult lives. They are 3X more likely to abuse drugs or alcohol and 2x more likely to drop out of school.
We may be older, but going forward and armed with knowledge of the true threat, we must do better for our grandchildren. As active bystanders, we truly can be a powerful force for good in the lives of the children of our community and future generations.
You can find out more and sign up for the FREE Protect Our Children training here: http://cacjc.org/trainings
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
I started this blog four and a half years ago with the intention of providing insights into child abuse through the lens of a professional career in child protection that spanned several decades.
Somewhere along the way the focus or lens shifted and got blurred with my personal mom experiences. Today is one of those times where that line gets very blurry, but I feel like there is a conversation that must be had.
So here it goes.
I recently took my nine-year-old to the movies and as we watched the previews, we planned which movies we would make sure to see. Some of them were a for sure for him and not me. Others were a for sure for me and not so much for him, but the one movie we both really thought would be a can’t miss movie was Show Dogs. It seemed perfect. We both love dogs. It looked funny. There was a story line that seemed like it would keep our attention.
Then this week I read more about the movie. There was a scene in which one of the dogs was getting prepared for “Show” competition which included his privates being touched. This seemed to happen a couple of times and his friend advised him to go to his “Zen” place and it basically shows the main character dissociating .
There was an outcry from some parents and a blogger. It was pointed out that this was a little too real to be okay. There were concerns about taking children to see this with the message being it is okay if someone sexually abuses you if you go to your “happy” place and think of things that make you feel good.
I will be honest that the first couple of “headlines” I skipped over. When a friend on Facebook posted some comments, I will be honest again, I sort of did an eye roll in that it was asking people to boycott the movie. In this day where everyone is boycotting something, I just did not want to “have” to choose a side and so I skipped it.
I actually did not think it was true. In the “Me Too” age surely there is not one person who has not got the message that we are tired of power and control turning into sexual abuse. I checked it out further and found that it was true.
As I processed the information I was reading with what I know about child sexual abuse dynamics, I was disheartened and a little depressed that we have come so far and not far at all. There has been a whirlwind of sexual abuse disclosures, investigations, civil law suits, criminal prosecutions and sentencings playing out on the national stage. It seemed like, in my mind anyway, that “Show Dogs” was Hollywood basically saying they don’t care. Basically, rubbing our noses in the fact that they have control and can do whatever they want.
Today, I was researching a little more in preparation for writing this blog. I was delighted to see that they took the scene out of the movie. The movie that will be in the theatres this weekend will not have the scene in it.
I was disheartened at the released statement. There was an apology. Sort of.
“Responding to concerns raised by moviegoers and some specific organizations, Global Road Entertainment has decided to remove two scenes from the film SHOW DOGS that some have deemed not appropriate for children.
The company takes these matters very seriously and remains committed to providing quality entertainment for the intended audiences based on the film’s rating. We apologize to anybody who feels the original version of SHOW DOGS sent an inappropriate message. The revised version of the film will be available for viewing nationwide starting this weekend.”
I read the above statement and think…Huh. They apologize to anybody who feels the original version of Show Dogs sent an inappropriate message. That implies to me that they do not feel it was an inappropriate message. It leaves me still feeling a little angry.
I am angry because my son really wants to see this movie. They took out the “offensive” scenes. It should be fine to let him see it. Right? Why am I still angry? Why am I still wondering about whether I want to pay money to watch a movie where someone thought it was okay to re write the original script to include sexual abuse. Do I take the moral high ground and stand on my convictions? Do I punish my son by not letting him see it even though now it is deemed appropriate?
I am angry that I am left with having to sort this out when really it could have been a good movie—a fun afternoon with my nine-year-old. Now, no matter what changes have been made, I will not be able to get past the idea that someone thought it was a good idea to write sexual abuse in. I feel dirty. I feel like someone was testing the waters of what is okay and acceptable.
What does it take to change the tide? Bill Cosby was convicted. America’s Dad convicted. Was that not enough of a message that forced sexual contact will not be tolerated? Was the tide of the “Me Too” movement not enough to make social change?
I suspect I will not see the movie. I suspect there are those who think I am overreacting. That is okay.
For me I need to know, to the best of my knowledge and ability, that the money my husband and I work so hard to earn is not going to end up in the hands of someone who wants to teach children when someone touches their private parts to go find their “Zen” place.
In my world, there is not one situation where someone would think this is okay.
In my world, the production company issues a statement apologizing for their error in judgement — not apologizing that some people found their messaging in appropriate. Maybe I am making too big a deal out of semantics.
On the flip side of this situation, I am so thankful for the Macaroni Kid for bringing this to the attention of moms everywhere. I am also thankful to receive confirmation that moms are the “game changers”.
Moms – every day, regular, moms can change the world.
The year was 1993. My oldest daughter, Jennifer, came to me one evening and disclosed a horrific truth.
Her father had sexually molested her.
She was 11 years old that year. The specific abuse had taken place many years before. She had blocked it out, only to remember on a cold and windy October afternoon.
I believed her, but I didn’t want to believe that the one person I trusted most with her care, could commit such a vile act and hurt my child so deeply. I contacted the authorities. And I waited.
Once she disclosed her abuse, the floodgates opened. Her memory, her pain began to spill over, threatening to drown us all. I took to my journal, and wrote:
“We are hiding out at Mom’s, partially because I need the support. My sweet beautiful child has been hurt so deeply. The days pass and more is disclosed. I want to help her, to take it all away. I want to see him suffer. Death is too easy. How can anyone do this to an innocent child? Of course, he has taken that from her.”
The next few weeks were wrought with anxiety and tension. Never sure what would be around the next corner. Sometimes the days seem so endless. I want so much to help my baby girl, but I don’t know how. I see a facade during the day, but in the evening when we are alone, I see the raw ugly truth.
“I watch as she plucks out her eyelashes and brows. I place a pillow under her head as she bangs it against the hard floor. I want to scream, cry and vent my anger. I grieve for what is lost, for the innocence that was taken from her. She can never go back, will never have a normal childhood or adolescence. I’m angry, sad and frightened. How am I to deal with all of this?”
Navigating the legal system is confusing and frightening to most of us. It is especially frightening to a mother trying to protect her child from further harm, all the while dealing with the emotional hurricane that had laid waste to our lives.
The Task Force was a safe port in the storm directing us to the shelter of the CAC. Feeling confused, lost and alone, I placed my broken family in the capable hands of the CAC staff.
Jane welcomed us with warm open arms and provided the knowledge and support that we so desperately needed. It was here we started our journey of healing. My questions were answered as the entire staff held us up through each step on the road to recovery – the road that takes each of us from being a victim, to that of a survivor.
I became active in a parent’s support group at the Center. There I gained essential knowledge of the process we were to experience, from the Grand Jury to the courtroom and beyond. It was this amazing group, run by the CAC staff, that shared with me valuable insight into the world of not only the perpetrator, but the victim as well.
I came to understand how it happened without my knowledge, and how to help my daughter.
Therapy is a wonderful tool, and with a non-offending parent involvement, the path to healing can begin. It really does take a village to raise a child.
I recently had the honor to tour the expanded facility of the CAC. I was excited to view all the new opportunities the center has to help those who pass through the doors. Yet it saddens me to realize there is still a need, and that there always will be. Child sexual abuse has always been present in our communities, hiding in the threads of secrecy.
We need the CAC to help those who have been abused, their families and to educate those that have not.
I am honored to tell my story. My family supports me now, as the CAC did so many years ago. They were my lifeline, my hope that someday I could say with conviction, “My family survived.”
I am so grateful to the CAC and all its supporters, volunteers, staff, and sponsors. Because of them, my family is healthy and whole. They made the difference in our lives.
This post is from a speech by foster parent, Bylle McCulley
I would like to share with you my personal experiences while receiving the services of the Children’s Advocacy Center.
10 years ago, my husband and I became foster parents here in Jackson County and we received children on an emergency placement.
Usually, our first stop was the CAC.
I was awe struck at how kind, gentle, and supportive the staff was, not only to the child, but also to me as the foster parent.
When I held a little girl’s hand while she was being examined, it required all the strength I could possible muster to say, “You can trust me. I’m not going to leave you.” Those reassurances had an impact, not only on the child, but also on me as a person.
I know from experience that putting kids back together again starts at the CAC.
We were able to adopt a special needs child from the foster care system. He came to us when he was 17 months-old and he’s now 12. During our 6-year journey, we received help first from the Children’s Advocacy Center, then Family Nurturing Center, Community Family Court, Jackson County Mental Health, and the Deaf and Hard of Hearing Program. I will always be grateful for the guidance and direction they provided to my family during this stressful time.
The most effective response to abuse and neglect requires a collaborative approach, which includes: teachers, first responders, law enforcement, medical, Community Family Court, attorneys, judges, CASA, elected officials, foster parents, the faith community and all the community partners who so generously come along beside us.
The process starts with the CAC to identify, investigate and provide treatment.
Please donate to the Children’s Advocacy Center now and don’t put it off. We either pay now or we pay more later. It will cost more later in mental health issues, chronic diseases and possible even the involvement of the criminal justice system. Join us. We we are always looking for community partners to plant a seed of healing for the abused children and teens of our community.
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
May is all about our Moms. If we are a Mom, then a small part may be about us.
Today I am feeling a little melancholy, as one of my friend’s granddaughters passed away after many health challenges. My heart aches for her and for her daughter as we creep up on Mother’s Day this year.
Robert Browning said “Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.”
As I reflect on the pain and sorrow that my friend is experiencing right now, in this moment, I want to also remind her of the possibilities and amazing things that have been an outgrowth of her love–that love that only a Mother can give. I want to remind her that the pain that she is feeling does not come without great love.
Not to get too personal here, but my husband and I suffered many loses before our son was gifted to our family. It was painful. I am thankful for the opportunity to be a part of my son’s life. Thinking of my friend today, I would imagine that she too is grateful for the opportunity to be a part of her granddaughter’s life. Knowing her, I imagine she would not have wanted to be relieved of those challenges because it would mean she would be relieved of the joy and love that came through her opportunity to be her grandma.
It has been said, “A mother’s work is never done.” It has also been said, “Being a mother is the hardest job I have ever had.”
On my best days…my “mother” work is not work at all. It is love.
On most mornings, I get up and get my son ready for his day. This includes making breakfast and getting his lunch together. I actually miss it when I don’t do it. I still get to brush his hair. He has decided at eight that he likes having “a lot” of hair. It is thick, wavy and sometimes unruly. Some days it makes my husband twitch a little. I love his hair.
I love it mostly because when he comes to me every morning to brush his hair, it reminds me of my own mom taking care of my hair and the gentle touch (most days…darn ponytails) that came as a part of that. At night, when he asks his dad to tuck him in, if I am totally transparent, I am disappointed. And while it seems like I never get it all done…I don’t mind doing the laundry that he leaves me—full of pants with no knees left in them and dirt ground in to every inch. It means that he lived life to the fullest in those clothes.
So what is the point of today’s blog? I think there are many.
The greatest job in the world is to be a mom—at least in my life. Savor those moments with your children…those moments will be brief. Each moment will bring its own joy, but believe me…they will be brief…sixty seconds is gone in a blink of an eye.
Sometimes a mother’s love is not enough. Period.
Sometimes a mom loves so much and so hard and does everything right, and her child still struggles. It isn’t her fault. It doesn’t matter what the struggle is…mental health, substance abuse, criminal activity, health issues, a death of a parent–a mother’s love cannot always change the struggle, but a mother’s love can make a child feel value and worth. A mother’s love can build resiliency in her child and her family. A mother’s love can build self-esteem. A mother’s love can offer refuge in a cruel world.
To all the Mothers in my life, I wish you a Happy Mother’s Day!
To those who have lost a child, my hope for you is to find comfort in your memories and in the love you created with your child. To my own Mother, I say thank you for always believing in me, for always loving me and for building me up every chance that presented itself.
To my dear friend, who I purposefully have not identified, I hope she can recognize herself in this blog…and to her dear sweet daughter I wish her peace and comfort and the realization that her love was all she ever needed.
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
Today I am sitting in my office trying to get caught up after the big snow fall in Medford. The office is officially closed in observance of Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It is very quiet and peaceful here.
I have been reading about a case out of New Mexico of some pretty horrific abuse. Maybe you have read about it? It caught my attention on Facebook on a friend’s feed. I remember hearing a little bit about this case earlier in the investigation.
The child was ten years old and named Victoria Martens.
She was sexually abused and killed by her Mother’s boyfriend and his cousin while the mom watched. I would not advise researching for more information on this case, as most of the reports I have read have been pretty graphic and pretty horrific.
Most of my career in child protection I have categorized parents in two categories. There are those who do the best they can and that just isn’t good enough to keep their kids healthy and safe, so their children are abused. These parents have the ability to learn and have the desire to do so. These parents are the parents that when their children are removed from their care, they are usually returned after a treatment plan. Or maybe the children are left in their care with a treatment plan.
Then there are the parents I say are, well, just “mean” parents. It appears from the articles that I have read that Victoria unfortunately had a “mean” mom. These are the parents that are somewhat sadistic and are just cruel. I will admit that I do not know the truth of what happened and I am making judgements based on what I have read in the news article.
There among the news reports on the case is an interview with the Mother’s parents. The case reports state that the Mom watched her current boyfriend, and two other men before that, have sex with her daughter for her own sexual gratification. (I wasn’t kidding when I said the reports were graphic…they are disturbing even to me after many years of hearing these kinds of stories.) There are reports that she watched two people give her daughter, who was ten years-old, meth in order to calm her down so they could have sex with her.
Victoria’s grandparents say that the child never said anything and appeared to be happy. A friend and neighbor of the mom states, “I know Victoria is in heaven saying forgive my mom.” The grandparents agree. The grandparents report that their daughter loved her children and was a hard working single mother.
If that is the case, then that leaves the rest of us to ask what went wrong. What can we learn from this in order to prevent it in the future?
I need to know, even though I do not know Victoria, that she did not die for her mom’s, and the others allegedly involved, own perverted reasons. I need to know we, as in the global we, can do better for the Victorias in the world.
I have poured over the news reports in this case. My heart hurts. I cry not understanding how this happens. I compare it to my own life. What would have to happen in my life that I would find myself there and allow this to happen to ANY one’s child. I can come up with no scenarios.
My only hope is that most people in this world are made up of a moral fiber that does not allow for events to happen that would end in this result for a child. For any child.
Everyone one interviewed, or at least that I could find to read, stated that there were no signs that this was going on. The child seemed happy. Mom is described as a hard working single mom.
I wonder how many people in this child’s life had any education regarding identifying and responding to child sexual abuse. The mom states in one of her interviews that there were other men, acquaintances of mom’s, who had sex with this child because mom liked to watch.
I have a favor to ask of all those who are outraged and horrified by the Victoria Martens case.
If you believe that this ten year-old should not have been forced to have sex with the men in her mother’s life, if you think it is a tragedy that she was killed one day after her tenth birthday, and if you would do anything in your power to prevent this from happening to children in your life or in your community or in your child’s life or in your grandchild’s life, then please join the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County in our efforts to protect the children in our community from sexual abuse.
Sign up for a class through our Protect Our Children project. There are public classes every month. We will even do private classes for you if you have 5 people or more who are interested in protecting children.
We can make a difference. We can’t change what has already happened, but we can control what we do in the future to prevent these tragedies from happening.
Let’s all decide together that we will not accept that Victoria’s abuse and death could not have been prevented, that there were no signs.
By Julia Saemi, Development Director at the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
So how does someone with an economics and budgeting background end up as a Development Director of a small non-profit?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten that question in the two months that I’ve been working at the Children’s Advocacy Center. It’s a good question. I worked for the Department of Treasury, I consulted for the Navy, and I worked on the budget team at Dartmouth College – why the CAC?
My answer is timing and the inspiring staff at the Center.
I’ve lived in Medford for just over a year and have a two-year-old son. I was looking for part-time work that was fulfilling and challenging. I had thought about working for a non-profit. I’ve done a lot of volunteering in the past, and always found that work grounding and incredibly meaningful. But nothing seemed to be working out, so I got in touch with a family friend – Dr. Miller. Her enthusiasm for the CAC is infectious. She gave me a tour, introduced me to Tammi, the Executive Director, and I was hooked. I signed up to volunteer that day.
Anyone who has interacted with the center can tell you that it takes no more than 5 minutes with anyone on staff to realize their passion for helping children and families.
It is truly amazing and inspiring. I’ve never felt so strongly about an organization in such a short period of time. The Children’s Advocacy Center proves that a small staff can have a significant and positive impact on hundreds of kids a year. It is this dedication that encouraged me to apply for the open Development Director position as I couldn’t think of a better way to dedicate the time away from my son.
I have thoroughly enjoyed my first two months on the job and all the challenges that come with starting in a completely new field of work. There are days that I feel like the path leading to the Children’s Advocacy Center was meant to be.
It brings me back to my days of working on my Master’s Degree in Public Administration and making the decision to dedicate myself to public service. I go back to how I felt cooking and welcoming guests at David’s House in Hanover, New Hampshire – a small Ronald McDonald-type house for families to stay while their children are in the hospital. I am grateful to be given the opportunity to be part of the amazing team at the Children’s Advocacy Center.
I will do everything I can to be successful in supporting the Center in helping children recover from child abuse and find safety.
By Ginny Sagal, Communication and Outreach Coordinator at the Children’s Advocacy Center
Since starting my job as Communication and Outreach Coordinator at CAC, I have had some thoughts about my parenting. Being an older mom with twins has been a wonderful journey. When they were little I would be very careful where they went for play dates, and who was going to be at the house. I knew it was my job to protect them. That was some time ago.
As a parent of teenagers ready to go off to college in a year and a half, things are much different than when they were little. No more play dates as they all seem to communicate with their friends on the internet. I will walk into my son’s room only to find that he is online playing a game with five of his friends. The new generation spends much time communicating with their peers online and texting.
I am happy that when I do go into my son’s or daughter’s rooms that they can share with me what they are doing and have no secrets. When they are on FaceTime their friends get to see me and I get to see who they are. Communication is very important with teenagers. It is important to let them know that you care and that you give them their space, but also that you are there for them if they need you. You are their protector.
I know with the parenting I have done, they will make good choices about who they will choose to be friends with and groups they will be part of once they get to college. Protecting our children comes from good parenting and communication with your children.
April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. Every child is special and needs our care and protection. With good parenting tools we can contribute to a safer community for our children.
