Category: Family

Happy Mother’s Day! What I hope my son remembers

Today is Mother’s Day, and so today I am reflecting on the last six years since I became a mom. Being a mom is the most rewarding, most exhausting, most scary, most wonderful job ever.

I come from generations of what I call Super Moms. I always strive to be half the mom my mom and my grandmothers were. Watching them as I grew up, being a mom looked so easy. Now reflecting back after being a mom, I wonder how they ever made it through the day.

My mom went to work when I was in fourth grade. However, I don’t remember her working. I remember her never missing a field trip. I remember always having homemade cookies in the cookie jar. I remember her being the leader of my girl scout troop or being my choir leader at church.

I can never live up to that. The bar is too high. So I do the best that I can and I hope that when my son, James, reflects back, he doesn’t remember me not being able to make it on the field trips because of my work schedule. I hope that he does not remember that the first batch of homemade cookies his mom made him was when he was six. I hope that he forgets the yelling.

I hope that he remembers that, no matter how tired his mom was, she was always able to listen to him read at night. I hope that he remembers that at Easter his mom always made sure he had an Easter egg hunt either at home, with his friends or at church. And some years we did both.

I hope that he remembers that his mom had as much fun as he did at the zoo. I hope that he remembers that, even though it would make his mom crazy because all the Christmas tree ornaments would end up on one side on the bottom, she let him hang them there anyway!

I hope that he remembers that every day, no less than one hundred times a day, she told him how much she loved him. I hope that he remembers that even though every time she cleaned his room she told him it would be the last time and next time he would have to do it himself, it never happened that way. She always helped him clean his room.

I hope he remembers how she makes his dad crazy because she can’t throw away anything his little hands have made. I hope that he remembers that his mom would color, play with play dough, do chalk art on the sidewalk, build forts in the living room, run races, hunt for rocks, sticks and sea shells and dance crazy break dancing moves with him.

I hope that he remembers that she not only let him stay in pajamas all day for “Pajama Day” — but sometimes she participated with him.

I hope that he remembers that when he talks — she listened. I hope that he remembers that there have been times that his mom has had very uncomfortable conversations with people in attempts to keep him safe.

There is nothing that brings me more happiness than to hear my child tell me he loves me or “Mommy, you’re the greatest! Ever!”

So in that spirit, I want to wish all the moms or maternal influences out there a Happy Mother’s Day! And tell you, “You are the greatest! Ever!”
Just Wanted to Tell You

Just Wanted to Tell You

Poem by Catherine Zern, LCSW

Your eyes were far away tonight
And you didn’t have time to tell me a story
Or listen to my fears of the dark
So I screamed and cried til you spanked me
But I was just trying’ to tell you that the
House was on fire

You looked grumpy this morning
Maybe cause you were gone so late last night
And I didn’t know where you were
And I couldn’t sleep until I heard you stumble in
When you slept late
I hit my brother
But I was just tryin’ to tell you that the
House was on fire

You brought home that new person
Who was really nice to me at first
And they took me fishin’
And watched my games a couple of times
But now you guys are gone a lot
And you scream at each other when you get home
(I can hear from my room even though you don’t think I can)
And I sneak out my window
But I’m just tryin’ to tell you that the
House is on fire

Today I tried to tell you that
I’m really lost in math
And my boyfriend broke up with me
And another kid called me fat
And you were busy with all your friends
And you told me not to worry about it
So I met this cute guy downtown
Cause I had to tell somebody that the
House is on fire

That’s ok
I’ve learned that it’s no big deal
And not to wear my heart on my sleeve
And not to worry about it
And how tough you’ve had it

Gotta go – party tonight
The house has done burned down
Planting Seeds and Watching Them Grow

By Michelle Wilson, Development Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

Soon after Valentine’s Day, right after all of the red and white bows and hearts start to come off of the shelves, little signs of the coming of spring start to poke their heads out around us. Stores start selling packets of seeds to plant, in preparation for the warmer days to come and the anticipation of summer flowers and garden vegetables.

This is a great time of year to plan positive family time together.

You can start with a handful of tiny seeds sown in dirt-filled paper cups set in a kitchen window. Even very young children can help with choosing the types of flowers to grow or the varieties of vegetables to grace the table later in the year. Choose soil that is as rich with nutrients as possible to give the young seeds a good start, and read the seed package directions for information on what they need in the way of sun and water.

When the first green sprouts start to pop up through the soil, children and adults alike can’t help but get excited about the magic that is happening right in the kitchen window.

This is good time to either choose a good spot in the yard to transplant those seeds into a small garden or to pick out some clay pots (which you can paint yourself to add another creative step to the process) to hold the young plants as they grow and blossom.

When the flowers and vegetables start to come into full bloom, everyone in the family can celebrate the accomplishment of growing something together. Cutting fresh flowers and bringing them into the house is a great way to bring simple beauty into each day, and even kids who don’t normally like to eat their vegetables can’t help but try them when they have grown them from seedlings!

Once you start growing things, it can become an annual event, much like celebrating holidays or birthdays, only this event can last from late winter when you buy those first seed packets until late in the fall when you harvest the last vegetables before the cold weather really hits.

Simple activities that focus on beauty, nature, and good food are often the best ways to spend quality together as a family.

As we watch tiny seeds grow into small seedlings — then blooms — then into full blossom, we can be reminded to pay attention to the ways our children are growing each day. We can remember to nurture them with everything they need and never take them for granted. And we can celebrate each day with them, teaching them both the natural rhythms of nature and of strong, healthy family life.
12 things I learned in my first year as an Oregonian

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

Last week I celebrated my one year anniversary at the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County — and my one year living in Oregon.

I had never even visited Oregon prior to coming here for the job interview in September of 2013. It has been an interesting year. It has been a year of transition and culture shift. It has been a year of learning new things.

Here are the top twelve things that I have learned, in no particular order:

12. It does not rain here nearly as much as the rest of the world thinks. Native Oregonians do not own umbrellas. They have really cute rain boots. They have rain coats but no umbrellas.

11. It gets way hot here. I am from Louisiana and I hear people say all the time, “At least it is a dry heat.” It really doesn’t matter. It IS HOT here. I was shocked to learn that it gets in triple digits in the summer time and stays that way for a few weeks.

10. There are some of the best wineries in the country right here in Southern Oregon.

9. The most generous people live in Oregon. I am floored by how much people here give to charity, give to their friends … in time, money and support. People here care deeply about their community members and they show that by the donating time, treasure and talent to causes they are passionate about.

8. Oregon appreciates a soldier like no other place I have ever lived in or visited. This is evidenced by the great deals offered to a veteran from the State on everything from camping, hunting licenses, property tax breaks, fishing licenses — even on car registrations. The Home Depot here even has parking spots designated for Veterans. It is quite amazing.

7. The people of Jackson County work together to solve issues. They see a problem. They convene a group. They get things done.

6. When you live in Oregon, you are either a Duck or a Beaver. And you must choose carefully. It is an important decision. There is even a “civil war” once a year between the Ducks and the Beavers. It is serious business.

5. Oregon has a lot of cultural experiences available. There is a strong community of artists residing in Southern Oregon. There are theatre experiences offered here that are not offered everywhere. The availability of these fantastic performances has made my “Bucket List” grow in length.

4. Almost everyone in Oregon owns a RV or a boat or both. Always wanting to emerge ourselves in the local cultural, my husband and I bought an RV before we bought a house. We are looking forward to spending a lot of time in the wilderness.

3. Children are important in Oregon. This is evidenced by the laws enacted to protect children and by the fact that the State sets aside money to train and support multidisciplinary teams who investigate child abuse.

2. Oregon is not a state that wants to follow. It is a pioneer state and that is taken very seriously. The people in Oregon want to, and most times do, pave the way for others to follow.

1. There is a sense of community here that I have not felt in other places I have lived. You can feel it in the schools. You can feel it in the churches. You can feel it walking down the street. This is a place that invites you to call it home.

We are so happy to be here!
Stephen Collins: Why did no one make a report?

By Tammi Pitzen, Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

This morning started as most any other morning. I got to the office early before anyone was here. I went up to my office. Checked email. Checked voice mail.

Everything was going well until I checked Facebook.

Circulating was a story on Stephen Collins. It was about how he confessed in therapy to his wife about exposing himself to young girls and making one of them touch his penis. There was a recording attached. I usually don’t watch the videos or listen to the recordings attached to news stories, but for some reason, I was needing verification that this was indeed what was happening in the session.

It is a male confessing to sexually abusing a child and exposing himself to young girls. Both are abusive. I just want to accurately describe what it is he is confessing. I am disturbed deeply by this revelation. This was taped in 2012 by his wife in a therapy session. It sounds like Stephen Collins.

I am shocked. I am disturbed. I am saddened. I hope that I have it all wrong. I hope that there will be more reported on this story. I am all these things not because I cannot believe that a Hollywood star who played a minister could ever do such things. I am all these things because it appears, at least at this point, that there was a recording of these confessions that was made in 2012 and it appears that nothing has been done about it.

It appears that no one made a report.

There are assertions that the police have an open case now. But it would appear that it is a relatively new report, as one new site states that the detectives from the special victims unit were flying from New York to Los Angeles to interview him. I am so hopeful that I have this wrong. I am hopeful that this is a re-interview of the “suspect”. That this case was reported in 2012 and some how got stalled out. I am so hopeful that someone stood up on behalf of these children and made a report. Let these children know that they matter, and that what happened to them matters — more than Stephen Collins’ fame.

I have continued today to research out this story. His wife of 27 years is divorcing him. This tape came about as a result of therapy, in what I assume was an attempt to save that marriage. I just read this is not the first time Collins has been accused. His ex wife apparently made a report in 2012 on behalf of one of the victims, but nothing ever materialized as a result of that report. He was accused several years ago, but no charges came about as the statue of limitations had run.

What do we know about sex offenders?

Well, we know they hide right out in the public view. We know they “groom” children and also “groom” their community.

We know that they become who we want to believe they are. Stephen Collins is probably best known from his role in 7th Heaven, where he played a minister.

We know that they insert themselves in situations where they will have unquestioned access to vulnerable children. I wonder if any of the children who ever worked around him will be coming forward next.

I have no problem believing that Stephen Collins did this. It fits the classic stereo type that I see played over and over again in everyday life.

I am having trouble believing that no one reported.

I am having a problem believing that no one cared enough in 2012 to make a report. I am having trouble believing that the only reason this tape was leaked was as a result of a nasty long divorce battle.

I am hoping I am wrong. I am hoping that tomorrow when I go through my morning routine, I will find that there was one person who made a report. I am hoping that the therapist made a report. I am hoping to pick up a newspaper or catch a news story on E.T., or some other entertainment news site, that will tell me the rest of the story—the part where there was someone who was willing to stand up not only on behalf of these children, but really any and all children who may have crossed the path of Mr. Stephen Collins.

It is TIME that we stop giving sex offenders ALL the power.

It is TIME to stop expecting that children will protect themselves.

It is TIME we all recognize that the safety of our children is our responsibility.

It is TIME to recognize that one of the greatest talents of a sex offender is to minimize what he has done and the damage that it has caused. In this case it went from exposing to touching and I would suspect further than that.

The only ones that can do anything to put a stop to the abuse of our children is really us!

If you suspect it…..REPORT IT!!!!!
Adrian Peterson: Child Abuse or Discipline?
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

This week the big news was that Adrian Peterson, a member of the Minnesota Vikings, was charged with child abuse for spanking his child with a “switch” and leaving bruising.

The topic of debate has been: Is this abuse or is this discipline? And secondary: Is this a part of Southern parenting culture?

You knew that I would have to weigh in on this — being both a true Southerner, who now has a child, and being an avid football fan, who is married to an avid Vikings fan.

I was born and raised in the South and my parents used spanking as a discipline method. I also began my career in child protection investigating child abuse reports in a small town in Louisiana. I will tell you that it is true that in the South parents will “spank” their children with whatever is handy. I have talked with parents who use electrical extension cords, doubled belts, wooden spoons, switches, boards, ping pong paddles, rulers, wire coat hangers, dog leashes, hair brushes and, not as frequently but sometimes, their hands, in the disciplining of their children.

Based on years of investigative experience, I will tell you that it is very hard to use an object to hit a child and not leave marks.

It is hard to judge how hard you are actually hitting. It is hard to gauge how angry you are. It is hard to control the adrenaline that will begin to pump through your body as you exert yourself in the disciplining of a child, using these methods.

Most parents are disciplining their children because they love them. They are not intending to hurt their child.

Imagine how hard it is for a child to understand that — when they are being hit with an object.

Southern parents have been known to say, “This is hurting me more than it is hurting you”, while spanking their child. I can say that is sometimes hard to believe and really hard to understand if you are five.

Oregon law defines physical abuse as an injury to a child that is not accidental.

Many will read this and think that I am advocating against spanking. I am advocating against spanking that becomes abusive.

Discipline is a parenting decision and should be made by parent. However, it is abusive to leave marks on your child either unintentionally or intentionally. It is a fact that it is hard to spank with an object and not leave marks.

I have spoken to literally thousands of children who have been hit with objects. They do not learn to be disciplined. They learn to fear their parents. They learn to be angry. Violence breeds violence.

In recent weeks we have heard news stories involving National Football League players abusing their girlfriends, abusing their children and, in the past, we have heard about them abusing animals.

I believe that the NFL has a unique opportunity to change our world in an unimaginable, pie in the sky kind of way.
- They can follow Chris Carter’s (retired Vikings football player) lead and send a message about abuse. If you have not seen his passionate emotional response to this story: Watch It Now.
- They can say we will have zero tolerance regarding abuse of another person or animal by an NFL player.
- They can send a message to every little boy who watches these players in awe every week — dreaming that they can become “just like them”.
- The NFL can send a message to every child that they matter and they have the right to not be abused.
- The NFL can send a message to every boy that it is not heroic to hit women.
I am watching anxiously to see what will come of this.

I am watching anxiously to see if this will be the game changer that our children need.
Lessons I learned from my father
By Tammi Pitzen, CAC Executive Director

Ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you I am a Daddy’s Girl.

I cannot begin to tell you how much I love my mom, but my dad has always been my hero. Some of my strongest personality traits are ones I inherited from my father. The stubbornness. The inability to be wrong in any argument. Respect for authority. These are tempered by fierce loyalty to family and friends, a strong belief in taking care of those more vulnerable than I, and recognizing the importance of the golden rule.

Growing up I never heard my father say anything bad about anyone. I never heard him say a curse word. I never saw him lie or be dishonest. I did see him work very hard at a job where his supervisors did not fully appreciate him. I did see him give to others. I did see him love my Mother. I did see him take leadership roles.

There were other lessons that were harder to grasp. I think that those lessons are the ones that I still carry around in my heart:
- Nothing worth having comes without sacrifice. Those things that are handed to us are usually taken for granted.
- Do the right thing, even when no one else is looking. You are always looking. Don’t do anything that would make it hard to look at yourself in the mirror.
- Never start something you are not going to see to the end. People are counting on you and your word is a promise. Never break a promise.
- Always treat people the way you want to be treated.
- Stand up for your beliefs. If you don’t value them, no one else will respect them.
As a child I never really understood how important those lessons would be as an adult. Then I became an adult and married. It is no mistake that my son’s father has many of these same traits. It makes my heart happy to see my son also look at his father in the same awestruck manner that I imagine my mother witnessed with me. I watch my son imitating his father and take comfort in knowing that he will grow into the man that his father is showing him how to be.

I think back to the many tears my daddy wiped away. I think back to the first dance I ever had with my dad which happened to be at my wedding. I think back to the struggles that my dad went through raising his family, that I never knew about until I was an adult because he and my mother sheltered me from them.

And I am thankful. My heart is full. I am blessed. I wish all the men who have children in their lives a Happy Father’s Day. I remind you of the influence you have over these children.

Be the person you want them to be.

Happy Father’s Day!
When did I become my mother? (Happy Mother’s Day!)

I have mostly been staring at a blank computer screen the last few days trying to feel inspired to write a blog for Mother’s Day. It is a daunting task. I have so many feelings that I cannot adequately express in a blog of 300 words or less.

I started with a “Things I learned from My Mother” line of thought, but geez, that would take way more than 300 words. I mean, there were things like how to cook cornbread so it doesn’t stick to the iron skillet, how to wash your hair and roll it on those huge pink sponge rollers so that you have big curls for church the next day, how to make the perfect banana pudding, and how to have fun with your kids.

I also learned how to lose your keys, how to hide things so well that you cannot find them when you need them, and how to forget to purchase the one thing you actually went to the grocery store for.

Then, of course, there are the skills I wished I had learned, like how to iron perfect creases in a shirt, or how to sew (or really even just how to hem a pair of pants), or how to play the piano.

We become the perfect mix of both the loved and not-so-loved traits of our parents.

I sometimes hear things come out of my mouth and wonder, “When did I become my mother?” I particularly find this happening when my five year old is asking me something I don’t have time to explain to him.

But I also find this happening at bedtime when I tell my son I love him beyond infinity or I try to teach him how to take care of someone else’s feelings. I also find this happening when we talk about how to be a friend or when we talk about giving our toys or clothes away to a place that will make sure they go to children who don’t have toys or clothes.

I understand now that our children really become a mirror of ourselves. Maybe not always in the way we look — but in the way we act.

One of my favorite parenting quotes is: “Children are great imitators, so give them something great to imitate.” I think my mom lives her life through this lens. I am trying to live my life through this lens too.

The greatest gift my mom gave me is love and unconditional acceptance. I want to pass that on to all the children in my life — both personal and professional.

I also hope that all the women in my life who are mothers have a wonderful day of pampering and feeling truly appreciated for all that they contribute to the lives of their children.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Category: Family

Just Wanted to Tell You