Category: Family

A child shares a secret-what happens next? Why CAC Matters

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I often contemplate late at night, when I think of the children that come through the center, and worry if their needs are getting met or if they are safe or what could we do to make it better. Does the CAC matter? Does it matter what services we provide? Who does it matter to? Why does it matter?

Please for minute close your eyes and take an imaginary journey with me.

I will forewarn you it is not for the faint of heart and it could trigger emotions from the past. Be safe as you take this journey and, if it becomes too much to take, please take care of yourself.

Imagine a six year-old little girl.

She is happiest at school. She is safest there as well. She loves to spend recess jumping rope, playing wall ball or swinging high in the air. She is not always clean. She is not always accepted by her teacher or her classmates. She is sometimes disruptive in class and always hungry and sleepy.

She finds refuge with a school counselor and begins to trust her. She shares with her a secret. A secret so horrible that her counselor begins to get teary eyed, however assures the little girl that she will get her the help that she needs.

The school counselor calls a Social Worker and asks for help for her.

Several things have just been triggered.

A criminal and child protection investigation has been started. At six, she will be interviewed by a police officer or an interviewer. The choice becomes where this interview will happen and how many people will interview her. At six, she will need a medical evaluation and she will need therapy. Where will she get these services?

There is some urgency to gathering the information as the Case Worker needs to secure her safety. She cries as she is led from the school to a car waiting outside. Will she be able to see her Mom? Will she be mad?

There are choices to be made and those choices matter.

They matter to that six year-old little girl in the first grade. They matter to her Mom. They matter to the Police Officer. They matter to the Case Worker. They matter to the Medical Provider. They matter to the Therapist.

The CAC matters.

The CAC does not erase what happened to that six year-old. It only helps to wrap a safety net around her. The CAC does not make it go away. It paves a way to process what happened and to make that a part of her history, but not of her future.

The CAC provides a holistic approach to child abuse investigations and interventions.

All under one roof, so to speak, you can have a forensic interview, a medical evaluation, a therapy assessment and find a support person to help you find a way through the system.

These services start with an interview and hopefully end with a prosecution. Everyone involved is specially trained to deal with child victims. The Deputy District Attorney has a full picture of who was involved in what and there is a system in place to share information to insure that the child is receiving the best services possible.

Or the old way can be chosen:

The six-year old girl will be interviewed by a police officer, then a social worker, then a medical provider, then therapist, then a Deputy District Attorney. Each of these interviews can take place in a separate building with different addresses. Somewhere along the way, someone will call the mom to inform her that her daughter is at the Police Station being interviewed. The interview may take place in the same interview room that the suspect might be interviewed in later. Then after all of this takes place, the Mom will be instructed to take her child to the emergency room at a local hospital and there she can wait for her child to be examined. No one will tell her the results of those exams right then. They will be passed to an officer who will then pass that information on to the Mom. There will, later, be a referral to a therapist made and at some point the child will be seen for an assessment. After the assessment, the child may be assigned to a therapist that might be the same as the one who did the assessment or it might be someone different. Eventually, if the information seems right and credible, the case may be presented for charges. The child may have to testify at Grand Jury and then again in a trial. They will meet a couple of new people…the Deputy District Attorney prosecuting the case and an advocate that will help notify the child and the Mom of their legal rights as a “victim” of a crime.

No one is sharing information with each other, so no one has a full picture of what is going on and who is involved.

The Mom may even get conflicting explanations of what will happen next. There is no “hand off” for lack of a better description of the case from the investigative process into the prosecution process. There is no one checking in with the family in the meantime to see if the child is feeling safe. The six year-old may even fall through the cracks of the system for a while — until she is rediscovered at a later point in time.

The CAC matters.

The multi-disciplinary team matters.

The choices matter.

The six year-old matters.
Transformation: Why CAC Matters

By Leah Howell, Jackson County Training Coordinator, PROTECT OUR CHILDREN Child Abuse Prevention Training

My son just started preschool this year. Two days per week, he gathers with 10 other 3 year-olds and follows a routine of play, circle time, and snack.

Right now he and his classmates are learning about the life-cycle of the monarch butterfly, and subsequently, they were able to capture two caterpillars. Inside an aquarium, and with assistance from a branch tilted at just the right angle, those caterpillars each made a chrysalis. What an amazing process this insect goes through – changing from one thing, to something so different!

I wonder if there is something innate in the caterpillar that realizes someday he will not be confined to such a small area of the world, eating every minute of the day, trapped in a slow moving, defenseless body. Do they know, somehow, that there is more in store for them? Or if, when he sees other monarch butterflies, does he innately “know” that is what he will become?

Children come into this world totally dependent and defenseless too.

I do not know if each child is born with an innate knowledge of their potential, but I do know that the beliefs about their own worth can be easily influenced by negative messages: “You’re a bad kid,” “You’re too emotional,” “You are an inconvenience,” and “You are nothing special.”

These messages early and often have the power to keep a kid on the ground, metaphorically speaking, dragging wings that seem like nothing more than a nuisance.

I love being part of the Children’s Advocacy Center – an organization that prioritizes protection, support and care of kids,…a place where the employees and volunteers speak worth and potential into kid’s lives all day, every day… a place that teaches kids how to start to use the amazing wings they’ve got, and then, through amazing transformations, kids learn to fly!

Come be a part of these transformations!

If you have time, kind words, energy, and love to give – call Ginny Sagal our Volunteer Coordinator: 541-282-5474 Ext. 113.
Birthday Wishes: Believe a Child or Not?
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I have a birthday in April. I have no qualms about the number. I will be turning 47.

26 of those years have been spent working in one role or another in the field of child abuse. Wow!

That equates to more than half of my life spent responding to child abuse and trying to bring awareness to one of the most pervasive public health issues of modern times (or at least in my opinion.)

The pendulum has swung from one end of the spectrum to the other and everywhere in between, as far as practice in securing safety and investigation of child abuse during my career. When I began, you were told to believe everything a child told you and then, later, it was to be suspicious of everything a child told you.

Somewhere along the way, there were guidelines put in place for talking with children in a way that invited an open narrative, that minimized contamination of the information and was more trauma informed.

There are still people who will never believe what a child tells them about abuse. If I had any advice for anyone trying to figure this out in their own life — it would be that it is better err on the side of keeping the child safe.

Here are some things that I have learned along the way about figuring out next steps and what to believe, and because I think ranking is overvalued, they are not in any particular order:
- In most cases, there are only two people in the world that can be 100% sure of exactly what happened in suspected child sexual abuse cases…the child and the perpetrator. These things do not generally happen with witnesses around. Child sexual abuse events generally do not generate C.S.I. type evidence.
- Ask yourself what the child victim has to gain by making a false allegation. Usually the answer is — nothing but heartache. In my career I have spoken to literally thousands and thousands of children, some in a forensic interview and some out in the “field” on scene and otherwise, and what my experience has been is that most of the time if you asked a child what they wanted to happen to their offender (and by the way this is a BAD idea for a lot of different reasons) they generally would tell you they want the abuse to stop. They do not launch into a tirade about wanting him/her shot, hung, or otherwise dismembered. They do not spout off about wanting to ruin them. Many times child victims of all ages lose so much. They lose friends, family, and stability to name a few. And they gain anger, pain, blame, ridicule and shame many times.
- On the flip side of the last one, what does the person accused have to gain by lying about what happened? If there is more than one person making an accusation, I generally go with the “where there is smoke, there is fire” line of thinking. This is particularly true when the children do not know each other or have no contact with each other. Believe it or not there are not groups of children plotting to ruin the adults in their lives.
- NO MATTER what age, no matter what clothes they had on, no matter how “bad” they are, no matter what their grades are in school, the child did not ask for it. The adult is ALWAYS responsible for what happens between an adult and child. ALWAYS.
- Offenders are not the scary people we do not know…they are people we like. They are people we love. They are people in our life. They are people who are respected. They are people we have previously deemed to be safe to be around our children. I know. I know. This one is enough to make us become paranoid and distrustful of every one.
- Identifying and responding to physical abuse many times is easier for all of us. We see a child who has sustained injuries at the hands of an adult and we pretty much understand that should not happen. Although, I still occasionally run into people who feel like it is a parent’s “right” to do whatever they would like to their child. In fact, I have, in a few instances, had said parent yell that in my face.
Most non-offending caregivers want to believe their child and want to believe the abuser because what does it say about their character to not believe their child? And WHAT does it say about their character if they allowed an offender into their child’s life. Those offenders are tricky and manipulative. You can do everything right and they still are able to slip into our lives. So what does it really say about them? Does it mean they are a terrible parent? I do not believe so. Does it mean they do not love their child? I do not believe so. Does it mean they are a horrible person? Nope. The really important thing is once they learn of the abuse, what is their response to their child? Do they do whatever needs to be done to keep them safe? Do they do whatever needs to be done to help their child begin healing? Do they engage in that healing process with them? We always hope so.

When faced with having to make a decision on whether to believe a child or the accused offender, you should never base your decision on what the offender tells you.

If there is an investigation (and there should be, because if a child tells you something, you should report it so that it can be fully investigated by professionals specially trained to do so, in order to get unbiased opinions and to secure the safety of your child) then talk to the professionals investigating, talk to people who work with offenders in a treatment process, talk to anyone involved who will talk to you. Listen to what they have to say. Listen to what their opinion is. Then carefully make a decision.

But don’t make a decision out of fear…fear of not having money to pay the bills, fear of being alone, or fear of the unknown. Don’t make a decision that is based on the least painful path.

Believing a child, keeping them safe, loving them, and giving them support does not sound painful, but it can be. But know that however painful it is for you, it is much more painful for that child. Children are very protective of the people they love. It is painful for them to hurt the non-offending people in their lives. They know that their words will change the world. They know their words can bring the walls in on top of them. They know their words will bring on a domino effect that cannot be reversed.

My birthday wish this year is that if you are struggling with making a decision of whether to believe or not believe your child…..that you will reach out …..to someone who is unbiased, who has some experience in dealing with this issue, to help you.

If you reach out to me, know that I will help you, but also know that I will make a report to either law enforcement or child protection. Your child’s health, happiness and future depends on my doing so.
“I’ve never been broken” ~ A Survivor’s Story

By Helen Sutthill, a veterinarian, mother, gardener, and reader — who says she is lucky enough to have wonderful friends and an amazing adoptive family

For a long time, I didn’t talk about my childhood – the hunger, the lack of clothing, the sexual abuse, the beatings, the constant battering of words meant to tear me down. Part of this stemmed from the way teachers and the parents of my friends responded to my answers when they asked if I’d eaten or where the bruise or cut came from.

My parents didn’t have to hide it; we were a middle class, educated family. Abuse and neglect simply didn’t happen in good homes.

The world changed when I was 15, in 1981, when my best friend told our school counselor, who was a mandatory reporter. Two social workers, a man and a woman, came and removed me from school, and from my home. It was awful.

At that point, I wasn’t speaking because what I needed to say had been denied so long, that I didn’t see the point. I couldn’t share the back seat with the male social worker because I’d been raped and molested by my father. Because one of my friend’s father’s had attempted to molest me. Because my experience of men was that they groped at me.

Better to avoid.

So this poor man opened the door to the back seat for me, and I got in. He walked around the other side of the car, opened the door to the back seat, and I got out. Repeat this three times with a mute 15-year-old, and even I thought it was funny.

But I wasn’t getting in that backseat with that man. He ended up driving, while the woman sat in the back with me.

That man was a hero. The woman with him was a hero. The lawyer that advocated for me was a hero. The counselor they took me to was a hero.

When people ask me about my childhood, I’m aware that I have memories that shock and hurt people. Every counselor wants to explore it. Being abused means that a lot of people see me as broken.

I’ve never been broken. I’ve always been a whole and complete human who has had to live with horrible people, and have experienced some things that no one should have to experience.

I consider myself incredibly lucky. Throughout my life, there have been people who saw what was happening, and worked to make sure that I was okay. A restaurant owner made sure I was safe, fed and clothed when I was a young child. A teacher who bought me some clothes, and made sure I was fed in elementary school. My friend got help for me. Another friend’s parents took me in for the last two years of high school.

When I go to the grocery store, when I buy clothes for myself, I am aware of how lucky I am to be able to do so. I can sleep in my bed, and control what happens to my body. I am safe.
Parenting Teens: A Mom’s Story

By Ginny Sagal, Communication and Outreach Coordinator at the Children’s Advocacy Center

Since starting my job as Communication and Outreach Coordinator at CAC, I have had some thoughts about my parenting. Being an older mom with twins has been a wonderful journey. When they were little I would be very careful where they went for play dates, and who was going to be at the house. I knew it was my job to protect them. That was some time ago.

As a parent of teenagers ready to go off to college in a year and a half, things are much different than when they were little. No more play dates as they all seem to communicate with their friends on the internet. I will walk into my son’s room only to find that he is online playing a game with five of his friends. The new generation spends much time communicating with their peers online and texting.

I am happy that when I do go into my son’s or daughter’s rooms that they can share with me what they are doing and have no secrets. When they are on FaceTime their friends get to see me and I get to see who they are. Communication is very important with teenagers. It is important to let them know that you care and that you give them their space, but also that you are there for them if they need you. You are their protector.

I know with the parenting I have done, they will make good choices about who they will choose to be friends with and groups they will be part of once they get to college. Protecting our children comes from good parenting and communication with your children.

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month. Every child is special and needs our care and protection. With good parenting tools we can contribute to a safer community for our children.
When a mom’s love is not enough . . .
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

Yesterday morning, as I dropped my seven year old son off at school, I had a “moment”. It probably was not unlike a million other moments, had by a million other moms.

I was watching my son bound off across the playground; he turned around and waved good bye with a big smile on his face. And in an instant, I had this feeling of total and unconditional love and a second of panic as he turned and ran off. I watched my son almost in slow motion — his hair in the wind, his little feet and legs moving and then, in a fast sweeping moment, I lost sight of his face as he turned away from me to join his friends.

I was caught off guard. I wanted to stop time. Stop all movement. He was growing up too fast. I was no longer with him 24/7. I suddenly needed him to know that my heart could explode with how much I loved him.

I had tears streaming down my face…along with my mascara as I reflected that sometimes “that” love was not going to be enough to keep him safe.

I reflected on how many of the moms that I have worked with over the years had that same love, but somehow found themselves in situations in which their child was hurt by someone trusted in their life. I sat there in my car for a full ten minutes watching my son play and thinking how lucky I was. I sat there in my car and vowed to always do what I could to keep my child not only safe, but keep him in the center of my world so I could see all around him to ward off any would-be unsafe people.

I really think what is key is “keeping him in the center of my world”; not to either side, not as an afterthought, not when I have time, not behind me, not too far in front of me, but in the center where I can be present with him, where I can have a 360 degree view of his world and where I can put on notice anyone who may be thinking of trying to make my child unsafe.

It really is the best tool in my tool box.

My child is growing up and will be visiting friends in their home where I may not be with him. I am equipping him with the language to be able to talk to me and let me know if things do not feel right. I want him to know I am interested in what he has to say. I want his friends, his friends’ parents and anyone else around to know that I am interested in what is going on.

I want your child to have the same thing.

I use to be amazed when I worked as a caseworker with DHS when I would talk with parents who did not know their babysitter’s name or address or phone number. Many times they did not know who else lived in the house.

I want you to feel empowered to ask the hard questions. I want to know I am not alone in asking the hard questions. If we all ask them, then they become a little less hard to ask.

You may be asking, what are the hard questions?

Here are a few to start with:
- Do you have guns in the house? Where do you keep them?
- Who will be in the house while my child is visiting?
- Are there older kids there? Will they be left in charge of my child? Have they had any issues behaviorally or otherwise?
- What are you going to do if my child wants to call me?
- What kinds of programs will he be allowed to watch on TV?
- What kind of access will he have to the internet? Who will be monitoring that?
- What kind of video games if any will they be playing?
And then I think you let them know you have talked to your child about if anything feels uncomfortable or if anyone asks him to keep secrets or if anyone tries or succeeds in touching him in any place that is private or that he does not want, that he needs to tell you.

It does feel uncomfortable the first time you have this conversation. Your child will be mortified and embarrassed and that only gets worse the older they get.

It will not be easy.

But sometimes a mother’s love is not enough to keep a child safe.
The Cost of Even Keel

This is a post by Leah Howell, M.S., Training Coordinator for Protect Our Children Child Abuse Prevention Training of Jackson County, Oregon

A few years ago when my son was around 4 months old, we were concerned about his weight, so I did a Google Images search on what a typical 4 month old should look like.

I found a picture of a baby who could have been my son’s twin, and was born within weeks of my son. Out of curiosity, I clicked on the image and then the accompanying article. It was the story of a baby boy who had been repeatedly beaten, but each time was sent back home to his parents. At four months old he died at the hands of his father. To this day, when I think of that little boy, who deserved nothing but unbounded love, I feel deep, almost overwhelming sadness.

These strong feelings have significance to me because I have a 3 year old boy whose emotions seem to fluctuate between unprecedented elation and severe emotional distress from moment to moment.

My reaction to this roller-coaster of expression is to become “The Stabilizer.” I am the adult, after all. I am the person who needs to remain emotionally impervious to the tragedy of the minute, and offer some rational thought or feelings that balance his “crazy-makin’.” My son responds surprisingly well to most of my rational input-even at his age (you can give my husband all the credit for those genes).

Though I know “The Stabilizer” to be a necessary role currently with my three year old, I find that this function has morphed, and has begun to seep into me in a more personal way.

I find that it is my “go to” survival technique. When life gets stressful or overwhelming, I am the one who keeps the ship moving and minimizes any rocking – emotional or otherwise. Recently, I have sensed myself unwilling to contend with my own complicated emotions. Instead of feeling them, I choose to stuff them, then rationalize my way out of dealing with them.

I sometimes wonder how damaging this survival technique is. Used too often, this practice could keep me from focusing on the things that really matter – both in my family and community.

After all, allowing yourself to feel deeply is most often what compels a person to change or take decisive action.

Well known to most people, child abuse (and especially child sexual abuse) has been allowed to continue under the noses of many who would be outraged that it was occurring. But when adults in proximity were faced with this possibility, they perceived this truth as too devastating to them, and they took no action.

When I consider these tragic situations, I realize that I cannot continue as “The Stabilizer” for much longer, and still be the responsive parent I need to be. I acknowledge that the best protection I can provide to my son is to possess the will and courage to face the realities of life, (no matter how painful they may be) and walk alongside him through them- hand in hand.

Leah Howell
Art and the Mother’s Touch

By Michelle Wilson, Development Director for The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

In honor of what would be my mom’s birthday this month, I am sharing a post I wrote three years ago on healing and the mother’s touch. This could have been written now, with the references to the stories shared at this center and the healing that occurs here. We now offer art workshops through our Building Bridges project and our therapists continue to offer a variety of types of creative therapies for hundreds of kids and teens each year.

I am looking at a picture of my mom a few years ago on a trip to visit my sister in Colorado. Beautiful flowers surround her and she has a relaxed smile on her face.

I am smiling back at her this morning.

My mother and the whole state of motherhood have been on my mind a lot this week. I read a story the other day about a premature newborn who was pronounced dead, then was put on his mother’s chest and started breathing. He is now 2 years old and thriving.

A mother’s touch is pretty powerful stuff.

My mom passed away a few months ago. I was blessed to be able to spend the last several weeks of her life with her, along with other siblings. During that time we talked a lot, when she wasn’t too tired, about the years we had all spent together and the years when life had us in different places around the country. I have lived far away since I graduated from college and always hoped I wouldn’t regret living so far from my mom once she passed away.

I have found, though, that I feel as if she and I were just as close as she was to my siblings living near her. We talked on the phone a few times a week and saw each other at least once a year. Our relationship was quiet, subtle, almost invisible because it was largely through phone contact. But it was powerful, like the touch of that mama whose love helped her newborn breathe for the first time.

It’s kind of like art, I realize, and the process of creating it. The product may be powerful, with its own energy surrounding it, even if the process of creating it was invisible to the viewer.

I think of Mom all the time now, dream about her. Her touch is still with me, subtle and powerful, reminding me to breathe every day and take in all that is around me. She invites me every day to choose life above everything and to enjoy every minute, every gift. At night when I put my son to sleep, we say goodnight to her and to the angels. I hug him very closely, wanting my touch to stay with him even when I’m not with him.

This week was a difficult one at the Children’s Advocacy Center. We heard too many stories of kids who have been hurt, most by family or extended family members. We talk to each other about how it affects us, all of these stories. And we talk about what we do to handle the stress and sadness of our work.

The thing that works, it seems, is staying connected – to life, to what we love, to the gentle touches of the people around us. I think of Mom to help me through. I decide every morning to choose life and gratitude, no matter what is happening. Her touch sustains me still.

So many of the kids and teens who come to us don’t have this kind of memory of gentle, loving touch. Most have memories of touch that harmed them. In the mentoring program and in therapy and in all of our interactions with them we try to give them something of what they missed. Something of the mother’s touch.

Through the art program we offer them a way to choose life in the face of sadness and despair. They create works that reflect their lives and their hopes. Through the touch of the brush to the canvas, they can experience something they may never have had. Through the kind words and support of their mentors and those who see their works, we hope they can begin to have memories that will sustain them, much like the memory of my mother’s voice sustains me.

I choose to believe that we can do this, help them create an internal voice and memory that will help them remember to breathe when life gets difficult.

I believe the mother’s touch is always there, something we can pass on to each other when needed, an invisible life force with a tangible energy all its own.

We can do it through kind words, art, anything that helps to create the energy that can sustain us, no matter what we face.
Summer Vacations, Kids, and Creativity

By Michelle Wilson

When school gets out for summer, families often find themselves needing to plan for children being home for a few months. When I was growing up, I spent most summers at home with my mom doing her usual activities and with my siblings, one younger and four older. We only had a few scheduled activities: a week of camp here or there and a family vacation or two. Beyond that, we were left to our own creativity for weeks on end.

And, of course, there were no computers in varying sizes and shapes to offer us inspiration or activities.

As daunting as this may seem to some of the current generation of kids growing up with screens in every corner of their lives, our family tried an experiment last summer to try to recapture that experience. We went completely technology free from the day school got out until the week before Labor Day. No screens of any kind were allowed except for occasional movies on the television screen and adults being able to check their phones for basic communication.

It was magical. What we all discovered was the wonderful reality that creativity is alive and well in everyone’s brain and spirit. We learned that everything could become a creative activity if taken with the right approach. Buying fresh food from the growers’ market and cooking together in the kitchen became a great family activity. Preparing a menu based on what was available fresh that day became a creative act. And discussions moved from more surface topics to deeper life issues as the sounds of the digital world were quieted and we had more time to spend listening to ourselves think and reflect.

Many studies have been conducted that show what we intuitively remember when we take a little time to be quiet: creativity heals the soul, helps us repair problems in our lives, mends challenges in relationships, keeps us healthier, and makes life a whole lot more fun if we let it.

And one of the very best things about creativity is that it is free. It comes without a battery or a chord to charge it. We do need to re-charge, but that happens most easily when we do things that bring us back to our true nature – being in nature, for one, or doing anything restful, relaxing, and playful.

This summer my family has not decided to go completely tech free, but we are limiting screen time of any sort to a very short amount of time. Technology, when used well, can help increase our creative ideas, help us learn new things, and help us connect with others in some pretty amazing ways.

But most of this summer for our family will be spent in ways that help our creativity blossom. We will do lots of walks, as much swimming as we can, create art projects, write a bit, read lots of books, play outside, build forts in the den, listen to music, fool around on musical instruments, cook and garden, play with our pets, and generally relax.

We will try to laugh as often as we can to keep those good, creative juices going and to keep happiness flowing through our bodies and house.

And we will remember to be grateful for all of the time we get to have together, for the time we each have separately to do the things we enjoy, and for the simple fact that creativity lives inside each of us. We just have to give it room to grow.

What are your plans for the summer?

What is your creative spirit up to these days?
Forgiveness on the child victim’s terms — not the offender’s
By Tammi Pitzen, Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I have been sitting back and reading about the Duggar family and the recent publicity around the oldest son and his sexually abusing (Yes, that is what it is — not a sexual indiscretion, not just a “teenager’s mistake” and certainly not something to be forgotten) and trying to form some kind of opinion about what has happened.

I still have questions. Did Josh Duggar actually go to counseling or did the family just handle it?

Most families, even those who have professional expertise, cannot just handle sexual abuse. It is too easy to blur lines and allegiances. In order for recovery to be successful, the children abused need unwavering support and belief. The offender needs 100% accountability at all times. If you are a parent and both are your children, it is nearly impossible to be able to give both what they need.

It is not a judgment. It is just an observation. It is hard. You love both. You gave birth to both. It is not fair to either to try to “handle it” in the family.

And by counseling, I mean by a licensed therapist with special expertise in sexual offender treatment. Not manual labor. Not a stern talking to by a police official. Not a camp.

The counseling may have been received. I cannot find where anything that I know to normally happen in these cases, when they are handled appropriately, has happened in the case of Josh Duggar.

When teenaged offenders get appropriate treatment, much of the research shows that they do not generally re-offend sexually. (Disclaimer: The research with which I am most familiar was unpublished and was regarding a local program of which I served on the Board.) However, there is risk to re-offend sexually if appropriate treatment is not received. Many of the adult offenders who have crossed my path in my career started out with an issue as a minor that was not addressed.

Do I think that transgressions made when you are a teen should be left behind and that teens deserve a second chance?

Yes. Maybe. Maybe not.

Did they have one victim? Did they have multiple victims? Did they successfully complete sex offender treatment? Did they take responsibility or did they blame the victim or someone else? What were the circumstances for the sexual abuse? Were there aggravating circumstances? Did they have a sex offender assessment and what did that recommend?

This forgiveness that seems to be a thread running throughout all the social media coverage — how did that come about?

One of the most devastating things that can happen is for the abuse to be uncovered and then sit a victim and an offender in a room with a minister or other authority figure and have a discussion about forgiveness.

I am not saying forgiveness is not possible but it MUST be on the victim’s terms not on the offenders. It must be on the victim’s timeline. Not the offenders.

Forgiveness is not a requirement for victim recovery. It is for an offender. But is it the victim’s responsibility to make things right for the offender just because they say they are sorry? My own personal belief is no. I think most people reading this would say no.

Then my next question is, how is it that we are still allowing offenders to ask for forgiveness instead of letting the victim give forgiveness when they are ready? It is a power issue. It is a control issue.

In our world, something that plays over and over again is that offenders of sexual assault are the ones who get sympathy, support and understanding. While the victims get judgment and blame. You can say that it is not true. But I see it every day. In real live cases. With real live child victims.

To be clear, I have never watched the Duggar’s T.V. show. I also am not weighing in on what should or should not have been disclosed when working with the networks prior to the show’s airing. A background check generally does not tell about offenses of any kind committed as a minor.

If I am honest, I am pleased by the reaction of the sponsors who have taken a stand and will not support sexual offenders by paying to advertise their products during the airing of the show.

Do I think Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are terrible parents? I don’t know. Again I don’t know them or haven’t watched their show to make a judgment on that.
- I find it disturbing that they cannot recall the name of the therapy program they sent their child to for counseling regarding his sexual offenses.
- I find it disturbing that the dad says treatment and mom says they actually sent him to a friend to work in construction.
- I find it disturbing that the trooper they turned to for help is in prison for crimes related to child pornography.
- I find it disturbing that every comment I have read has been made in support of the offender and little about what has been done for the victims—some of which are their daughters.
I have read some reports that state Josh Duggar actually sued the Department of Human Services in Arkansas. Most likely to change the outcome of their investigation. The records are sealed due to confidentiality. But that tells me, if it is true, that he has not likely truly been successful in treatment. Part of successful treatment is taking responsibility for what you have done. Not minimizing it. Not changing outcomes.

I see a missed opportunity. What if instead of just cancelling the show and stopping all reruns of “19 and Counting”, The Learning Channel did a series of documentaries on the impact of child sexual abuse?

What if they used this as an opportunity to help victims find their voice? What if they used this as an opportunity to help parents have hard conversations with their children about sexual abuse? What if they used this opportunity to education parents about how to reduce the risk of child sexual abuse happening to their children?

LET ME SAY THIS LOUD AND CLEAR. I AM IN SUPPORT OF THE VICTIMS.

I don’t care about any other part of this story.

I hear this story and in my mind’s eye, I see a 14 year old boy in a room, with a small little girl, demanding forgiveness. I see standing behind this 14 year old boy, a mom, a dad, a state trooper, a church elder. I see a little girl being raised in a culture of total female submission to the males in their lives.

What would you do? I would do whatever they asked me.

Category: Family

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