By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
I am late with my Mother’s Day blog posting this year. It seems that along with all of you, it is taking me longer to get things done because my brain is filled with all things COVID-19.
I actually think a day to honor our maternal influences is not enough…we should have at least a week.
So, with that thought in mind, here is my Mother’s Day blog.
This year, I believe more than any other year for me, has highlighted the many, many roles our Mothers fill for our children and in this world. For me as a mom, the last two months have proved to be more challenging than when my child was a newborn. In those first few months of his life, I remember being sleep deprived and tired. I remember being scared that I was not doing “it” right. I remember a lot of private tears in the shower.
Well, in the last two months I have spent a lot of sleepless nights in worry. I have questioned whether I was doing “this” right.
There have been more tears in the shower as I tried to muster up enough steam to fulfill all the roles that I had shared with my “Mommy Tribe”, his teacher, and my son’s coaches. I have worried about my productivity at work. I have worried about whether I am giving enough to my child, to those I work with, to those in the community that I work with, and to the families and children the Children’s Advocacy Center serves.
Somewhere in those tears, I decided to give myself some grace. Instead of trying to be perfect, I lowered some expectations. For me the bar was set at “Do no harm”.
Now I recognize that seems pretty low. But when I set it that low for myself, I actually felt an energy surge. I was able to do more education opportunities for my son than his school was able. I was able to create some memories with my son and my family that I hope will bring smiles for a few years to come. I focused on making sure my son’s mental health was not being compromised by isolation.
What does all that look like? Well, it looks like camping in the yard. It looks like cool crafts. It looks like giving my child purpose by increasing some of his chores. It looks like hiking or taking long walks through our neighborhood. It looks like a chalk drawing on our front driveway. It looks like baking and cooking together. It looks like watching and discussing movies together to find hidden life lessons. It looks like practicing social skills. It looks like relaxing some of the rules when we can. It looks like creating structure and routine around distance learning for school and chores.
Most of the moms I know have become teachers, guidance counselors, and coaches in addition to their regular roles of meal-planner, referee, household manager, and nurturer. Some of us have added working from home, dog walker, and home sanitizer. And having to do so in isolation.
What can we do for ourselves? To keep us moms going? My mommy tribe has upped our text game. We check in on each other. We social distance in the driveway. We social distance in a parking lot. We remind each other to take care of ourselves. We plan for when we can bring our kids and our families back together for our regular gatherings. We give each other grace. We support each other as we all do what is right for our families, with no judgment when someone else does it differently.
For some families, there is a lot of added stress. For some children, food insecurities become even more prominent in their life as they miss the breakfasts and lunches provided to them at school. For some moms, stress is mounting as they try to figure out how to manage without an income, without knowing what will happen after the “goodwill” brought to us in the form of a stimulus check, mortgage payments put on hold, or rent delayed.
I am worried about children who were not safe before the pandemic. I am worried about children who have been put in unsafe situations because of the pandemic. I am worried about the Mommas feeling like they are failing at this homeschooling, stay at home, keep their family healthy with little to no resources nightmare that has become our hopefully short-term reality. I also know that, if experience is any indication, we will all come together through this and help those who need our help. If you fall into one of the above-mentioned worries….please ask for help. Jackson County is full of good people who want to do “good” and help you.
This has been a “Mother’s Day” to remember. What will you remember?
I hope you remember that it is okay to feel sad. It is okay to need help. I hope you remember to extend yourself some grace as being a Mom is hard, but it is really hard during a pandemic. I hope you remember it is okay to love being home with no outside influences. It is okay to feel whatever you are feeling. I hope that you remember that perfection is not attainable and that your child does not care about “perfect”.
It is okay to ask for “do-overs” – I do that all the time. Remember that really, at this time, it is okay to use up all of our energy on being okay and making sure our kids are okay. There is no one way to do this parenting in isolation thing. We don’t have a reference for parenting like this.
We have not been here before.
Remember your child will not remember this time the same way you might. They may remember this time as the time that you were the family hero keeping everything moving forward with very few resources.
By Dr. Sue Skinner, Interim Medical Director for The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
Times are stressful. Right here, right now. . . life is so much more complex and difficult than anything I would have ever imagined. . . even 3 months ago. But. I am one of the lucky ones; all my children have grown and I am not homeschooling them. When Oregon schools closed on March 12, all minor children came home. Even for the best of families, this was stressful. How to balance work, meals, education, sharing computers. . . all while worrying about what is going on in the world, and hoping no one gets sick and everyone keeps their job. In Jackson County, just like in other counties across the US, many families were struggling even before we knew about COVID-19. There were worries about finances or if the groceries would actually last all week, if the car was going to start the next time, if child support money would actually arrive, if they could keep making minimum payments on credit card debt, or how they would find suitable child care in order to attend their 12-step meeting and maintain sobriety, or their counseling appointment, addressing their own childhood trauma. Families who had many struggles were barely getting by. . . and then came the corona virus, and their kids came home.
With children out of school, parents are now responsible for keeping their kids on a schedule, making sure they “connect” with the online learning, addressing behaviors and discipline that siblings may be exhibiting more now that everyone is “cooped up” in a small space for an extended period of time. Caregivers find themselves infinitely more stressed than they were just a few months ago. And these children are more at risk for abuse. In her article, The Coronavirus Could Cause a Child Abuse Epidemic, Dr. Nina Agrawal reminds us that where there is household dysfunction, the risk of child abuse goes up. She states that suicide hotline calls are already up around the country, and New York is seeing an uptick in domestic violence. There are reports of a surge in suspected child abuse cases in Texas. She states that “many parents who are struggling. . . will no longer have any reprieve from the hard work of keeping children fed, entertained and educated.”
Now that schools are closed, I reflect on the irreplaceable foundation these institutions have become in our lives and I am reminded not only of the teachers who dedicate their long days to our kids but also the counselors, school nurses, resource officers, custodians, cafeteria staff, principals, and administrative body who work tirelessly behind the scenes. All of us can remember, without much difficulty, someone in our school years who made a big impression: I remember my 1st grade teacher, Mrs. Near, as being warm and accepting, during a year that was particularly difficult for me. My high school math teacher, Ms. Borchardt, was the single person who instilled my love of mathematics, encouraging me to choose it for my college major. School staff teach, of course. But they also support, guide, mentor, caretake. . . and protect our youth. This is, perhaps, one of their most valuable roles. School staff see children daily, for 9 months out of the year. Nationally, and in Jackson County, schools account for about 20% of the calls to the Child Abuse Hotline for exactly these reasons. They see children on a regular basis, they are often one of the first people children and adolescents feel safe talking to. Their role in child protection cannot be understated. They are a true safety net for all our children, one we have been without since March 12.
It is easy to feel overwhelmed, given the worldwide pandemic surrounding us. I like to remind myself of the saying “Just because you can’t do everything, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do something.” This helps to keep things in perspective. What can we do? It is better to do one small thing, rather than feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed into inaction. The second thing is that we stop and remember. . . we were all kids once! Every single one of us! Let’s challenge ourselves to be patient and tolerant of children, as we would have liked adults to have been with us when we were younger. Third—try this: Do something nice for a child who is in your life (maybe your own child, or a family member, or close neighbor). Then, try and do something nice for a child who is NOT in your life. Think—how can I ease stress for this child and this family during these difficult times? Help out at/donate at a food bank? Smile at a child you see on the walking path? Listen, more than talk? Donate supplies to your local school? Pick up the telephone and call the Child Abuse Hotline (in Oregon 1-855-503-7233) if you are concerned a child is being abused or neglected. Try and be the helper, the positive influence for children and families, the safety net that is so needed right now. Lastly, end your day with gratitude, for the teachers and all the school staff who teach and mentor our children. Each and every day, they are creating a better tomorrow.
“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” ~Mr. Rogers
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
The Coronavirus has become a pandemic crisis impacting every aspect of our lives. Parents are being forced into the role of educator as our children are pushed into a home-schooling situation. To add to that stress, many of us do not know how long we will have a paycheck or a job, as so many industries are having to reduce operations or shut down completely. We are being asked to limit contact with others.
All of this is causing anxieties to rise in both adults and children.
Be mindful that your children are looking to you to see if they should be scared. Do not completely ignore what is happening. Answer your child’s questions in an age appropriate way. Develop a new routine so that your child can feel safe. Talk to them about taking the recommended precautions to stay healthy.
Additionally, do a daily “worry” check in.
With my child it goes something like this, “Let’s check in. Tell me something you are worried about today?” or “Are you concerned about anything today?” It is enlightening what you may find out. Many days those concerns have nothing to do with what is currently happening and many times it is something that a parent can address easily. The latter is great. It gives you a boost in your confidence level as a parent and your child is reassured that things are okay. Soon, you may find that your child is initiating the daily check in. “Hey Mom! Tell me how your day went? What made you happy today?” At my house, we change the questions up. Sometimes worried focused questions, sometimes feelings focused questions and sometimes activity focused questions.
Here are some ideas for activities that you can do to keep your child engaged and to help with your own self-care during this unsettling time:
Read a book aloud. My child’s class has read-aloud time during the school day and it is something he enjoys. Pick a series and read together for thirty minutes a day.
Do an art project together. Draw, make slime, finger paint, color—build with Legos.
Write a “book” together. Develop a story line, take turns writing paragraphs, create illustrations. It can be a true or fantasy.
Take a hike. Go someplace and enjoy nature together.
Watch a movie or find a series on Netflix or Amazon Prime that is family friendly. Gilligan’s
Bake or cook with your child. This helps to develop math, reading and survival skills.
Teach your child to clean and disinfect.
Play outside…basketball, catch, blow bubbles, hide and seek, take a walk.
Play tic tac toe, board games, card games, or make up your own game.
Structure can help get you through this crisis and as a bonus the “together time activities” will help to strengthen family bonds.
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
I came across an article posted on Facebook that talked about a woman who was suing her church because they did not warn her husband that, by confessing he abused a child, it would be reported and investigated.
The church (The Church of Latter-day Saints) is sticking by their decision to report and to protect a child.
The story goes that the husband confessed his “sins” to the pastor. They did not warn her or her husband that they would report those sins to the authorities. In this case, the sin was “engaging in inappropriate conduct” with an underage girl. The church stands by their decision to protect this child and make the report. The Church goes further stating that it teaches that its leaders and members should fulfill all legal obligations to report child abuse to authorities. They even have a 24-hour helpline to report abuse.
Let’s lay to rest any lingering thoughts about whether or not the offender was unjustly accused. He was investigated based on his words – what he said he did. In 2017, the offender was convicted and is serving 15 years in prison.
First thought: Bravo!
I will put my disclaimer here. I am not a member of the Church of Latter-day Saints. However, I applaud their straightforwardness in protecting children. Not only in action — but then also by the messaging they sent that they are standing behind that decision, even in the face of being sued.
Second thought: I hope it was not her child.
Can you imagine the message this child is hearing if this is a family member? They are suing the church for 9.5 million for loss of income, emotional distress and the family’s loss of her husband’s companionship. Also 40 thousand to cover his legal fees.
In other words, those left unspoken….“You are not important. Your abuse should be kept silent. The offender’s status is more important. You deserve to be abused.” No support will likely send this child deep into silence. And how unfair. She/he did not report. The offender did. Let that sink in for a moment. And if anyone has any questions about why the child did not report, research the story. If this child is a family member his/her survival probably depended on keeping the secret.
If it wasn’t her child, then there is a chance that the adults in this child’s life will be supportive and help the child find the path to recovery. Let’s hope for this scenario.
This happened in Oregon.
In Oregon, as is the case in 28 other states, clergy are among the professionals mandated by law to report known or suspected instances of child abuse or neglect.
What is on the line? Besides millions of the church’s monies?
This litigation if successful can push the church back into a cloak of silence. We are barely dealing with all the abuse that happened behind the closed doors of our faith-based communities for the last five decades or so.
What would be the outcome of that cloak of silence?
Creating an environment where abuse is accepted, where the victim is shunned,.…hmmmm, sounds vaguely familiar. Isn’t that where we have been working to move away from?
Basically this lawsuit, if successful, will essentially tell children, in all walks of faith, that the offender deserves the protection — not the child.
What can be done? I don’t know. Anyone can sue for any reason. This is a test I think. It could offer more safety to offenders or it could protect clergy who provide a pathway to safety, healing and hope for children being abused.
The final grade is going to change the world that I work in. The question is will it shine light on abuse or push it back into shadows?
By Summer Lewis, Internet/Social Media Contractor for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
The beginning of a new year is a great time to regroup, reevaluate and recommit to a new plan of action for protecting your kids from abuse. By knowing what to do and making a few simple changes, you can effectively and dramatically reduce the risk your children will be sexually abused.
Here are 5 actions you can take this year to jump-start your plan to prevent child abuse from impacting your family.
BE AWARE:
Begin by taking a critical look at your closest relationships — friends, family members, caregivers and any other adults in your child’s life. Accept the uncomfortable reality that your children are more likely to be abused by someone they know (and you trust.) Trust your gut and take action to minimize opportunities and/or remove any safety threats. Particularly avoid one-on-one child/adult situations. More here: https://www.d2l.org/education/5-steps/step-2/
TALK:
Talk openly and often about sexual abuse with your children. Use age appropriate language to talk about bodies and boundaries. Use everyday opportunities to start conversations. It can be awkward, uncomfortable and easy to put off. Don’t! If you need help about how to get started or what to say or do, visit: https://www.d2l.org/education/5-steps/step-3/
STAY INVOLVED:
Commit to staying closely involved with everything happening in your child’s life. Know and interact with every person that your child has contact with – other families, parents, teachers, coaches, any other adults and older children. Volunteer, participate, and attend. It will foster a closer relationship with your child, which is a protective factor for abuse, and it put predators on notice that you are watching. You can even tell people you have taken a child abuse prevention training and know how to recognize abuse, and that your child knows about body boundaries and to tell you if they are crossed.
MONITOR:
Keep computers in an easily view-able central location in your home. Have a rule that children may never give out this info online: name, phone #, email address, street address, password, picture, school. Remember internet technology can be mobile, so monitor cell phones, laptops, tablets and gaming devices. When it comes to internet safety, however, research shows that talking to kids about the reality and dangers of being online and teaching critical thinking is more protective than spying. For more on internet safety and discussion starters, visit: http://www.netsmartz.org/internetsafety
GET TRAINED:
Carve out some time for and commit to taking the short, free PROTECT OUR CHILDREN child abuse prevention training the CAC offers. You’ll learn about warnings signs of abuse, how to prevent abuse and how to react responsibly if you suspect abuse. Find out more and sign up for a training here: http://cacjc.org/trainings/protectourchildren/
Congratulations on being proactive by creating an action plan to keep your children safe from sexual abuse!
By Summer Lewis, Internet Marketing Contractor for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
For a long time I was obsessed with wanting to work for this nonprofit in my community called, The Children’s Advocacy Center (CAC). I applied for their various job openings without success — until they needed a contractor to handle their social media and enewsletter work. I got the job and have been doing this work for them for almost ten years!
Ten years ago, however, I wasn’t self-aware enough to tie my obsession with working at the CAC to the fact that I was a child abuse survivor myself. Duh!
I see now that I yearned to be part of this miraculous place where children are helped daily — in the ways I had NOT been helped when I was a small vulnerable child. For example, the best I could come up with was to eat canned spinach so I could be strong like Popeye the Sailor Man — who I adored. (Not very effective, but I give myself credit for courage and creativity.)
For a few years now, I have been part of running a #GivingTuesday fundraising campaign. Giving Tuesday is December 3rd this year and our theme is “We Are Mighty Together. You Matter!”
I know for a fact, having been there, counting on the power of spinach and Popeye, that kids can’t figure this out on their own. Kids simply can’t stop, prevent or heal child abuse by themselves.
The only hope they have of being mighty is with the help of the adults in their families and communities.
Kids count on adults and the Children’s Advocacy Center counts on the community to help provide for kids. On #GivingTuesday the CAC is raising funds for the the direct services that help protect and heal kids — and support families.
I encourage you to donate to the Children’s Advocacy Center, as you are able. No amount is too small. Every amount is a vote of confidence, supports kids, and bolsters families with a mighty impact.
Kids + Community + Children’s Advocacy Center = #MightyTogetherCAC
When we All give together, we truly can be mighty together – including the kids!
Greetings from Tammi Pitzen, CACJC Executive Director
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you on behalf of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County Board, Staff, Advisory Council, and volunteers!
As I am rush around today to try to get things wrapped up before the snow comes in and in preparation for a couple of days off for Thanksgiving, I am feeling so thankful for so many things!
I am thankful that I have the privilege and honor to work with a team who is incredibly talented, knowledgeable, professional, and compassionate…both on staff and as part of a larger multidisciplinary team. This work is so hard and so important! And so hard. Let’s just acknowledge that. So very hard.
I am so thankful that we have a community who prioritizes children and who is so supportive of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County, our programs and the abused children we serve. We cannot do this work alone. It takes a community! Thank you so much for your time, talent and treasure.
I am so thankful for our volunteers who do not have to be here but who show up week after week with a smile on their face eager to help in whatever way is needed. That is really incredible when you think about that! They don’t get a pay check. Sometimes staff gets busy and forgets or misses an opportunity to say thank you! The children are not always pleasant when they are here in a time of crisis. Sometimes the parents are angry…but the volunteers keep coming and keep giving and continue to be empathetic and compassionate. I AM SO THANKFUL for ALL of YOU!!
We could not sustain this important work without all of you!
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
Spoiler alert! This is really an opinion piece and personal in some regards. You will be reading a lot of “I” statements and a lot of things that are based on my personal experience. If that interests you then I invite you to continue reading.
Generally, when we talk about child abuse, we talk about prevention or intervention. Prevention comes in a lot of different forms. Some examples are classes teaching you to recognize and respond to signs of abuse (like our Protect Our Children program), increasing efforts to address social problems (i.e. substance abuse, poverty, or homelessness) or increasing awareness. Interventions usually come after an episode of abuse has occurred. Examples of these are medical evaluations and treatments, mental health services, forensic interviews, advocacy and support to the victim and their non-offending caregivers, and prosecution of the offender.
I have been musing a lot over prevention programming and interventions and how they fit together.
Traditionally, the work of a Child Advocacy Center (in the national model sense) has been on the intervention side. Many CAC’s have either long-established prevention programs or are beginning to dip their toes into the prevention arena.
Most of my professional experience has been in tertiary prevention. Tertiary prevention is defined as actions that reduce impact of injury that has already occurred or preventing on going injury by detecting and responding to prevent long term problems. What this means in the CAC world is we help to give parents tools to keep their kids safe in the future, we provide interventions to respond to the abuse of a child to mitigate the long term impact on their emotional well-being and overall health, and we hope to help parents keep their kids safe from abuse in the future.
In the last ten years or so I have been looking more intently at primary prevention.
It becomes overwhelming and seems like a daunting task to eradicate child abuse. Some days it seems impossible.
The depressing truth of the matter is that the causes of child abuse are so varied that it becomes hard to see how our work can make any real difference. There are those “causes” that seem more easy to impact. Things like lack of parenting knowledge, or even poverty or substance abuse. There are tangible things that we can do. We can provide parenting classes. We can provide job training and tangible benefits to help bridge the gaps. We can make housing assistance opportunities available. These are concrete actions that you can take that will reduce stress and reduce risk for child abuse.
Today, for the purposes of this blog, I want to talk about what we can do to reduce the risk for our children to become victims of abuse early in childhood…from the first breath, so to speak.
Before I dive into that, I do want to acknowledge that abuse is pervasive. We can do every single thing right and our child can be abused by someone we trust. As a professional in the field, my advice is to do everything we can and if something still happens to our child, we need to remember to blame the offender and not ourselves.
We cannot do “lazy” parenting.
This is what I call it when I get on auto pilot. I fall into the routine and stop asking the daily questions with my son. I forget to check in on how things are going and fall into false safety that if everything was not okay, my son would tell me. This is a dangerous place for a parent to be.
As a parent, I believe that the minute our child is born, we should begin to strategically pay “attention” as a way to prevent child abuse. AND that it should be an active, not passive, process. I know. Even as I type that out it seems dramatic, over the top and somewhat “crazy”. But hear me out.
We need to immediately begin to build resiliency in our child and to create a parent child relationship that nurtures safety, acceptance and love.
Here are some things I believe are important to start from day one, so to speak:
Spend quality and quantity time with your child.
Sing to your child. Read to your child. Smile at your child. Reading or singing to your children helps to build a connection. I am an awful singer, but I would make up songs to tunes of familiar children’s songs using my child’s name. He would light up with delight when he heard his name. We did this until the day he was old enough to ask me to stop singing and turn on the radio because I wasn’t doing it right. I will let you in on a secret. I sometimes still do this. I get eye rolls and sometimes giggles. Usually followed by “Mom, you are so weird!”
When your child begins to develop speech, have conversations with them about what to do when they do not feel safe and who they can turn to for help.
Create a regular routine.
Children, even very young children, feel safety in knowing that their needs will be met. It reduces anxiety. They know what to expect. As they grow, let them negotiate changes in the routine. I found that once my child understood the connection between the routine and his safety, health, or behavior; he was more accepting of the parts of the routine he did not like.
Believe it or not, children thrive when they have boundaries enforced.
These boundaries will also help to create an understanding of things that are unsafe physically (as in, don’t get too close to the edge of the balcony) and emotionally (as in, unhealthy relationships or friendships that are based on bullying).
Along the way, make sure that your children have lots of family time and closeness.
During times of high anxiety, increase the time you spend with them playing with them, reading with them, or doing things they enjoy. This sets in place a familiar pattern. In times of stress or feelings of anxiety, they will know they can turn to you. It may even become instinct to turn to you.
Always listen when they talk to you.
Even when it is about something they saw on YouTube or something silly from their favorite TV show or book. I try to listen intently and be interested. I am even trying to understand Minecraft. If you hear the small stuff and respond, then they will come to you with the big stuff because it will feel safe. If you hear the small stuff and respond, then they do not need to learn how to filter stuff out. They won’t need to figure out what is a big deal and what isn’t. They will tell you all of it.
When they begin to spend time with people when you are not around…always ask “THE” questions.
You know…Do you have firearms? Where are they kept? Will my child have access to them? Who will be there? What adults will be there? What kids will be there? What is the supervision plan? What activities are planned? Where do you keep medications?
I do not generally let my child spend the night with someone where I have not met their parents and that I have not spent an hour or more in conversation. In fact, in his ten years of life, he has spent time at my parents’ house, my sisters’ house and three other children’s house without me being present. It isn’t me being over protective. And I am definitely not saying children should not spend time with friends without their parents. This is an important developmental milestone. What I am saying is to do your due diligence. Don’t just know their name. Get to know the people that will be around your child. If you child makes a new friend that you don’t know, then find an opportunity to visit with the parents and the child.
Then I always do a check in afterwards with my son. Did you have fun? What was the best part? What was the worst part? Who was there? What did you do? Only, make it more of a conversation. My son begins to catch on and tells me he does not like to answer questions; or “Mom, I don’t like this game.” Be creative. It is less about the answers unless something concerning comes up and more about putting into place a pattern of conversation and teaching him who to come to if he needs to talk.
Eat dinner together as a family. No electronics at the table.
This is a powerful way to build relationships. It may seem old school or out of style, but there is something nurturing about sharing a meal together. When you sit down to eat together, it gives you an opportunity to look at each other eye to eye. It gives you an opportunity to teach manners and etiquette that can be helpful when they become adults. It gives you an opportunity to slow things down for an hour or so. No matter what else is going on before or after, you can always count on that one hour a day to be together. It is one way to show your children that “family time” is a priority. They are a priority.
Kids need to know they have value. They need to know this when they feel good about themselves, so they will remember when they feel bad about themselves.
Here are some harder ones. Model self-love.
Children imitate what they hear. I know this is true. I have become obsessed with my weight in the last few years. I get a reality check when I hear things I have said about my body coming out of my child’s mouth in connection to his body. We need to love ourselves! I want my insecurities to end with me and not be passed down to my son.
Let your child see you fail at something or not be good at something.
Don’t wear your superhero cape all the time. Children need to see that it is okay not to be good at everything and that failure is the first step in success. They need to know that it is not the end of the world to make a mistake. My son and I have been talking a lot about integrity, courage and kindness.
Help your child set goals.
Help your child find their passion.
Help your child be kind to others.
Teach your child compassion and empathy.
Help your child be a friend and make friends.
Give them opportunity to have a social circle. Build your tribe. Your tribe as in those people who you count on and who count on you. Those people you socialize with and that help you teach social skills to your children.
Why is all of this important in prevention of child abuse? How does it all fit together?
Building strong confident children help them to navigate the world better. Being present in their life puts everyone on notice that you are there and you are protecting your child. Teaching them to fail gracefully, to be a loyal friend, to accept help, to love themselves…all help to teach your child to be resilient. Helping them to find their passion and keeping them busy, keeps them healthy and gives them an outlet when they are feeling anxious.
Each skill taught, each nurturing moment, each opportunity to be present in their life…all represent a piece of a puzzle.
Fitting them all together helps to build strong children, create a safety net, put would-be offenders on notice and model a communication style that when they do get in unsafe situations they will know how to ask for help.
As a bonus, when I am doing these things and doing them regularly, I find my own parenting anxieties are decreased. I find my own life more in balance. I find my relationship with my husband stronger which enables us to parent more cohesively.
By Betsy Lewis, Internet and Social Media Contractor for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County
I don’t know about you, but back when I was a parent in the 1980s and ‘90s I didn’t know much about child abuse or how to prevent it.
I just assumed it wouldn’t happen to my kids – because I wouldn’t let it. But to be honest, if you had asked me how I would not let this happen, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you. The only thing I did back then was to tell my kids not to go with strangers – better known as “Stranger Danger.”
I figured since I was a good parent and we lived in a nice neighborhood in a family-oriented community – that this wouldn’t be a concern. I believed child abuse happened somewhere else. I sent my kids freely to various summer camps, enrolled them in sports and let them go to their friends’ homes and sleep-overs where I only knew the host families superficially. I grew up this way and my parents did the same thing.
NOW, as part of the CAC, I am dismayed by how irresponsible this was.
What I know today is that 1 in 10 kids will be abuse before their 18st birthday and that child sexual abuse happens EVERYWHERE – that it doesn’t matter if you are a good parent, live in a nice neighborhood, have good friends or a close family.
Here is what I know now:
90% of child abuse victims are abused by someone they know.
60% of abusers are acquaintances — like teachers, neighbors, or community leaders.
30% of abusers are immediate or extended family.
Only 10% of abusers are STRANGERS to the child.
Now that I am a grandparent, I want something different for my 9-year-old grandson. I want to do better. I want to make sure he is protected. I want to get it right for him.
Last year, I invited my 28-year-old daughter (the mother of said 9-year-old grandson) to attend a free PROTECT OUR CHILDREN child abuse prevention training with me. She is a wonderful mom and I am very proud of her, but I wanted her to know and do more about child abuse than I did as her mother. I wanted her to be better informed than I was.
The two of us set down together at a free training at the Medford library — on behalf of this little boy we both love — learning how to keep him safe. Then we had a nice dinner out and talked about what we had learned. It was truly bonding. (I always tear up when I think or talk about it.)
Soon after the training, I saw my daughter putting her training into practice by being an “active bystander” and reassuring a friend who had made a report of abuse that she had “done the right thing.”
She was not only able to know how to protect her child, she was vigilantly caring for other kids around her.
Grandparents! We know your adult/parent children are crazy busy — but grab them and take them to a child abuse prevention training with you or babysit for the grand kids while they take a training.
If you haven’t taken the training yourself, schedule a time to do that. YOU can be an active bystander by learning how to protect your grand kids, knowing the signs of abuse and knowing how to react responsibly if you suspect abuse.
The fact is that many sexually abused children (possibly your grandchildren) will suffer trauma severe enough to negatively impact their adult lives. They are 3X more likely to abuse drugs or alcohol and 2x more likely to drop out of school.
We may be older, but going forward and armed with knowledge of the true threat, we must do better for our grandchildren. As active bystanders, we truly can be a powerful force for good in the lives of the children of our community and future generations.
You can find out more and sign up for the FREE Protect Our Children training here: http://cacjc.org/trainings
By Claudia Cervantes, Protect Our Children Project Bilingual Training Coordinator
Recently I attended the Regional Meeting of Coordinators of the Protect Our Children Project that took place in Eugene. It was a full day of inspiration and learning, and I can certainly say that after the first conference, I was not the same person.
Now I am someone with a new hope filling my heart: Resilience.
We can all heal and overcome the traumas that we experienced in our childhood and live a life with meaning, with purpose.
Doctor and therapist, Amy Stoeber, spoke about the adverse experiences in childhood (ACEs) and how they can be treated through an Education for Resilience. We are all born with the ability to be resilient. That means we are born with the ability to overcome the traumas we experienced in childhood and face life developing our strengths. And although this is a natural skill, “Resilience can be taught, modeled and improved,” says Doctor Stoeber.
Through new routines, the brains of children and adolescents are modified and new connections are built in the brain structure to develop new behaviors and abilities.
If adults promote the ability to be resilient, children and adolescents can develop skills of social competence, autonomy, problem solving, a sense of purpose and a belief in a bright future.
But, how to obtain positive results in an education for resilience?
Here I share some ideas of Dr. Stoeber for creating a support system when promoting education to improve resilience in children:
On the part of the parents:
Unconditional love. Remind your son or daughter that you love them no matter what happens or what they do.
Model the behaviors that are expected. Look them in the eyes, do not lie, hug, be orderly, respectful, and kind.
On the part of the professionals (teachers, therapists, other adults in professional roles.)
Communicate without judging. Parents and children should feel that the support people are not there to judge them.
We are a team. The goals we want to achieve are established together – through a language that implies an “us”.
Dr. Stoeber also shared some ideas about how to spend time with your children and help them develop Resilience. She suggests spending 10 minutes a day, three times a week, avoiding all distractions such as cell phone use and letting your son or daughter choose a game or activity.
Here’s idea for one game to play with your children: “I love you no matter what.”
I played this game with my nine-year-old daughter and asked, “Do you love me even if I do not cook quesadillas every day?” And she told me, “Yes mom, I love you anyways.” And then she asked me, “Do you love me even though sometimes I get mad?” And I said, “Yes, I love you no matter what.”
