Category: Child Abuse Victims

Making a difference in a child’s life

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I often get asked to explain how the CAC works and what difference it really makes in the life of an abused child.

I think my amazing seven your old son gave me the best story/metaphor to explain this. He teaches me all sorts of new things on a daily basis.

Recently he taught me about dream catchers. He made a dream catcher and he was explaining what it does. He told me that it catches the bad dreams and replaces them with good.

I was intrigued and did a little research. Dream catchers are a tradition of the Native American community. It was believed that it would protect you from nightmares by having positive dreams slip through the hole in the center of the dream catcher and glide down the feathers to the sleeping person below. The nightmares would get caught up in the web and disappear when the first rays of sun stuck them.

This concept is the very thing that the CAC model does for abused children. Only the web is catching abuse and hopefully stopping it as we bring it out into the open and “shed light” on the issue.

The Children’s Advocacy Center model (CAC) is built on the concept of the multidisciplinary team. Each agency that has a role in the investigation and intervention into child abuse, works together to meet the needs of the child at the heart of said investigation. These agencies include law enforcement, Department of Human Services, mental health providers, forensic interviewers, medical providers, prosecutors, and advocates.

Each team member represents a strand in the web of the dream catcher doing their part to change the predicted outcome for the abused children we serve. Each service provided does a little to bring safety to a child.

We all change the trajectory of an abused child’s life by putting in place services that will help stop the abuse and replace it with healing. What a beautiful gift to give to a child who has been abused!

The CAC puts a great big spot light on child abuse and hopefully by doing this we can make it stop. Much like the dream catcher holds bad dreams in its web until the sun rays hit them and make them disappear.

We provide a holistic approach to the intervention, investigation and prosecution of child abuse. We provide medical evaluation, diagnosis and treatment, therapeutic interventions, forensic interviewing and advocacy and support services for children 0 to 18 who have been victims of abuse or witness to violent crimes.

These services are so needed in order to not only stop the damage of abuse but to repair the damage caused by abuse.

These services literally save lives.
Birthday Wishes: Believe a Child or Not?
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I have a birthday in April. I have no qualms about the number. I will be turning 47.

26 of those years have been spent working in one role or another in the field of child abuse. Wow!

That equates to more than half of my life spent responding to child abuse and trying to bring awareness to one of the most pervasive public health issues of modern times (or at least in my opinion.)

The pendulum has swung from one end of the spectrum to the other and everywhere in between, as far as practice in securing safety and investigation of child abuse during my career. When I began, you were told to believe everything a child told you and then, later, it was to be suspicious of everything a child told you.

Somewhere along the way, there were guidelines put in place for talking with children in a way that invited an open narrative, that minimized contamination of the information and was more trauma informed.

There are still people who will never believe what a child tells them about abuse. If I had any advice for anyone trying to figure this out in their own life — it would be that it is better err on the side of keeping the child safe.

Here are some things that I have learned along the way about figuring out next steps and what to believe, and because I think ranking is overvalued, they are not in any particular order:
- In most cases, there are only two people in the world that can be 100% sure of exactly what happened in suspected child sexual abuse cases…the child and the perpetrator. These things do not generally happen with witnesses around. Child sexual abuse events generally do not generate C.S.I. type evidence.
- Ask yourself what the child victim has to gain by making a false allegation. Usually the answer is — nothing but heartache. In my career I have spoken to literally thousands and thousands of children, some in a forensic interview and some out in the “field” on scene and otherwise, and what my experience has been is that most of the time if you asked a child what they wanted to happen to their offender (and by the way this is a BAD idea for a lot of different reasons) they generally would tell you they want the abuse to stop. They do not launch into a tirade about wanting him/her shot, hung, or otherwise dismembered. They do not spout off about wanting to ruin them. Many times child victims of all ages lose so much. They lose friends, family, and stability to name a few. And they gain anger, pain, blame, ridicule and shame many times.
- On the flip side of the last one, what does the person accused have to gain by lying about what happened? If there is more than one person making an accusation, I generally go with the “where there is smoke, there is fire” line of thinking. This is particularly true when the children do not know each other or have no contact with each other. Believe it or not there are not groups of children plotting to ruin the adults in their lives.
- NO MATTER what age, no matter what clothes they had on, no matter how “bad” they are, no matter what their grades are in school, the child did not ask for it. The adult is ALWAYS responsible for what happens between an adult and child. ALWAYS.
- Offenders are not the scary people we do not know…they are people we like. They are people we love. They are people in our life. They are people who are respected. They are people we have previously deemed to be safe to be around our children. I know. I know. This one is enough to make us become paranoid and distrustful of every one.
- Identifying and responding to physical abuse many times is easier for all of us. We see a child who has sustained injuries at the hands of an adult and we pretty much understand that should not happen. Although, I still occasionally run into people who feel like it is a parent’s “right” to do whatever they would like to their child. In fact, I have, in a few instances, had said parent yell that in my face.
Most non-offending caregivers want to believe their child and want to believe the abuser because what does it say about their character to not believe their child? And WHAT does it say about their character if they allowed an offender into their child’s life. Those offenders are tricky and manipulative. You can do everything right and they still are able to slip into our lives. So what does it really say about them? Does it mean they are a terrible parent? I do not believe so. Does it mean they do not love their child? I do not believe so. Does it mean they are a horrible person? Nope. The really important thing is once they learn of the abuse, what is their response to their child? Do they do whatever needs to be done to keep them safe? Do they do whatever needs to be done to help their child begin healing? Do they engage in that healing process with them? We always hope so.

When faced with having to make a decision on whether to believe a child or the accused offender, you should never base your decision on what the offender tells you.

If there is an investigation (and there should be, because if a child tells you something, you should report it so that it can be fully investigated by professionals specially trained to do so, in order to get unbiased opinions and to secure the safety of your child) then talk to the professionals investigating, talk to people who work with offenders in a treatment process, talk to anyone involved who will talk to you. Listen to what they have to say. Listen to what their opinion is. Then carefully make a decision.

But don’t make a decision out of fear…fear of not having money to pay the bills, fear of being alone, or fear of the unknown. Don’t make a decision that is based on the least painful path.

Believing a child, keeping them safe, loving them, and giving them support does not sound painful, but it can be. But know that however painful it is for you, it is much more painful for that child. Children are very protective of the people they love. It is painful for them to hurt the non-offending people in their lives. They know that their words will change the world. They know their words can bring the walls in on top of them. They know their words will bring on a domino effect that cannot be reversed.

My birthday wish this year is that if you are struggling with making a decision of whether to believe or not believe your child…..that you will reach out …..to someone who is unbiased, who has some experience in dealing with this issue, to help you.

If you reach out to me, know that I will help you, but also know that I will make a report to either law enforcement or child protection. Your child’s health, happiness and future depends on my doing so.
“I’ve never been broken” ~ A Survivor’s Story

By Helen Sutthill, a veterinarian, mother, gardener, and reader — who says she is lucky enough to have wonderful friends and an amazing adoptive family

For a long time, I didn’t talk about my childhood – the hunger, the lack of clothing, the sexual abuse, the beatings, the constant battering of words meant to tear me down. Part of this stemmed from the way teachers and the parents of my friends responded to my answers when they asked if I’d eaten or where the bruise or cut came from.

My parents didn’t have to hide it; we were a middle class, educated family. Abuse and neglect simply didn’t happen in good homes.

The world changed when I was 15, in 1981, when my best friend told our school counselor, who was a mandatory reporter. Two social workers, a man and a woman, came and removed me from school, and from my home. It was awful.

At that point, I wasn’t speaking because what I needed to say had been denied so long, that I didn’t see the point. I couldn’t share the back seat with the male social worker because I’d been raped and molested by my father. Because one of my friend’s father’s had attempted to molest me. Because my experience of men was that they groped at me.

Better to avoid.

So this poor man opened the door to the back seat for me, and I got in. He walked around the other side of the car, opened the door to the back seat, and I got out. Repeat this three times with a mute 15-year-old, and even I thought it was funny.

But I wasn’t getting in that backseat with that man. He ended up driving, while the woman sat in the back with me.

That man was a hero. The woman with him was a hero. The lawyer that advocated for me was a hero. The counselor they took me to was a hero.

When people ask me about my childhood, I’m aware that I have memories that shock and hurt people. Every counselor wants to explore it. Being abused means that a lot of people see me as broken.

I’ve never been broken. I’ve always been a whole and complete human who has had to live with horrible people, and have experienced some things that no one should have to experience.

I consider myself incredibly lucky. Throughout my life, there have been people who saw what was happening, and worked to make sure that I was okay. A restaurant owner made sure I was safe, fed and clothed when I was a young child. A teacher who bought me some clothes, and made sure I was fed in elementary school. My friend got help for me. Another friend’s parents took me in for the last two years of high school.

When I go to the grocery store, when I buy clothes for myself, I am aware of how lucky I am to be able to do so. I can sleep in my bed, and control what happens to my body. I am safe.
Child Abuse: A greater incident rate than cancer
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

April is Child Abuse Prevention month. This is the time of year that we use to spread the word about the social and public health issue that plagues our children. Many people do not generally think about child abuse unless they work in the field or have had it impact their family.

In the United States, four children die every day as a result of child abuse or neglect.

Some reports say that statistic is low and is actually closer to five a day. Most reports state that a large number of those dying are under the age of one. One report states that 79% of the children that die as a result of abuse and neglect are under the age of three. That seems incredible! It is frightening! It seems epidemic.

In 2014, according to the Oregon Child Welfare Data Book, 13 children died as a result of abuse or neglect. There were 10,010 child abuse victims and 46.4% of those victims were under the age of six. Of incidents of abuse, 44.2% were incidents of neglect, 7.1% physical abuse, 6.3% sexual abuse, 1.5% mental injury and 40 % were considered threat of harm which could be related to domestic violence, drug use, sexual abuse, mental injury, or physical abuse.

This is not happening in some far off place. This is happening in Oregon.

Nationally, reports indicate that somewhere in the neighborhood of 90% of perpetrators of abuse are known by the children they abuse. They are people who are considered family or family-like.

The incidence rate of child abuse and neglect in this country is about ten times as high (40 children per thousand children per year) as the incidence rate for all forms of cancer (3.9 individuals per thousand individuals per year). This statistic is attributed to The Leadership Council on Child Abuse and Interpersonal Violence.

I am also a supporter of cancer research, but when you think about it in terms of our addressing an issue equally in terms of importance; we do not put our money behind child abuse prevention. Not only do we not put our money behind child abuse prevention, we do not put our mouth behind it either.

While cancer is usually talked about in hushed tones, child abuse is rarely talked about at all.

In doing a google search for the top public health issue, child abuse does not even rank in most of the articles I read. Yet, if we look at the statistics of founded cases on both a national and state level, one can see it is clearly an issue that needs to be addressed.

Many people do not want to get “involved” in a situation that is considered “family business” by making a report. Others fear retribution if they make a report.

Recently, I spoke to a friend who had made report on behalf of a young family member. It has turned her family upside down. There has been much anger, fear, and anxiety experienced by all involved—the reporter, the perpetrator, the victim, those who support the perpetrator and those who support the victim. It is hard when you love both the victim and the perpetrator.

This friend is a hero of mine. In spite of all the chaos that ensued after the report was made, she has stood strong. She made the report. She protected the children involved. She has not stopped there. She is making it her business to protect all children.

While these statistics make some feel that it is hopeless, it isn’t. There are some things that we could all do.

Here is my top ten list in random order:
- Learn to recognize and respond to the signs of abuse. (Take a Protect Our Children class or host one for a group of your friends.)
- When you see something that does not seem right, make a report to DHS or law enforcement.
- Support those who make a disclosure of abuse. This can be as simple as not calling them a liar.
- Put everyone in your life on notice that you will not tolerate child abuse of any kind.
- Contact your elected officials on local, state, and national level and tell them keeping children safe from abuse is a priority for you.
- Vote for candidates that make children a priority.
- Donate your time, talent or treasure to an organization that works to protect children from abuse.
- Talk to the children in your life about what abuse is and what they should do if something happens to them. (This should include all kinds of abuse…bullying, sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse.)
- BE PRESENT IN YOUR CHILD’S LIFE.
- When you see a parent struggling with their children in a public place, offer support instead of judgement.
If you want to learn more about any of these, to include learning “how” to do these, contact the Children’s Advocacy Center. If there is enough interest we will schedule a special class.

Here is a list of some fun activities you can participate in to let your community know that you will not stand for child abuse:

*Ongoing: The Change for Children Campaign will be taking place throughout the community.

This is an exciting collaborative project between, CASA, Children’s Advocacy Center and The Family Nurturing Center. Look for Change for Children donation jars at: The Butcher Shop, all Lithia car dealerships, Wamba Juice, Central Art Supply, Jackson Creek Pizza, Thai Bistro and Sunrise Cafe.

*April 16th: Panda Express Fundraiser

*April 23rd: Gamble for Good Poker Tournament Fundraiser

*April 25th: Protect Our Children Child Abuse Prevention Training

*April 27th and 28th: Recognizing and Responding to Child Abuse Training – Contact Ginny Sagal at: vsagal@cacjc.org for more information or to register
Hope in the most unlikely places

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

April brings spring, renewal, energy and awareness on a very tough topic — Child Abuse.

I recently had a conversation with a woman who, like many other people who talk to me about my work, was very focused on the “depressing” part of my job. The conversations usually begin and end with something like, “You hear a lot of horrible things” or “ How do you sleep at night?”

I have even had people ask me what my job was and when I answered, they turned around and walked away. There were times in my younger years where people would not be friends with me because of what I did as a job. There were times that people would not date me because of what I did as a job. They would say things like “You are really nice, but I just don’t want to be around that stuff”.

I look back now and shake my head and wonder what in the world they thought I would be talking about with them. Most of the things that happened during the course of my work day were confidential and not things I could talk to anyone about. AND it is not like child abuse is contagious like the flu. When people have asked me to speak at an event or to talk about what I do, they always ask that I keep it light.

Here are the cold hard facts. Child abuse is not pretty. Child abuse is not glamorous. There are not many ways to keep that light and joyful. There are children who are hurt by someone they love multiple times a day, every single day. Child abuse is real. Child abuse is happening. Child abuse is being perpetrated by people I know. Child abuse is happening to children I know. Child abuse can be heinous and life impacting both physically and emotionally.

If there is one thing that working 26 years in the field of child abuse has taught me, it is that there is another side to the story.

There is much to be hopeful about. Yes. You read that right. I am hopeful.

When I was working as a forensic interviewer, I was happy to see children come to me. It made me feel relieved, even if for only a fleeting moment. The day they came through the door was the day that, just maybe, an adult could help make the abuse stop.

When I was working as a caseworker, even under the most stressful situations, I was glad to get reports assigned. It meant that someone cared enough about a child to pick up the phone and make a report. On the days that there were too many children and too many cases being sent my way to deal with, I knew that, for those children, there was hope. Hope for recovery. Hope for safety. Hope for a better tomorrow.

There is much to be hopeful about if we are all doing our part.

It is everyone’s responsibility to keep children safe. We can make a difference in the lives of our children and in the lives of children of future generations.

But… there is a price to be paid for that hope.

There has to be a shift in societal thinking and values. We HAVE to be able to talk about child abuse in order to educate the world about the scope of the problem. I truly believe that people in general do not understand the scope of the problem. We have to be able to talk to our children about appropriate boundaries. We have to be able to talk to the adults in our child’s life about what will be tolerated and what will not be tolerated in regards to behavior with and around our children.

We have to be able to talk to our legislative representatives about why child abuse prevention needs to be a top priority. We HAVE to end the silence. We HAVE to end the shaming of victims of child abuse. We HAVE to end the blaming of child abuse victims.

Child abuse is not a “child” problem. It is an “adult” problem. The problem is not with the child’s actions but with the adult’s action or reaction.

What if we all decided every morning that we were going to do one act during the day on behalf of a child? What if we all decided that today… right now… was the time to end child abuse?

I AM so hopeful. Children are continuing to need interviews, medical examinations and therapy assessments. We are overwhelmed some days with the amount of referrals and work there is to be done right here in Jackson County, but I am so hopeful.

Children mean that reports are being made. Medical evaluations mean that children get to learn that their bodies have not been broken by abuse. Therapy assessments mean that children get to learn that abuse has not made them worthless. Interviews mean that children have an opportunity to talk about what has happened and that an adult in a position to help make that abuse stop is ready to help them.

It is not hopeless. We only need to decide that we will be part of the paradigm shift that is needed in our world by starting to talk about what is child abuse and how to keep our children safe.

We are not powerless.

If we teach our children about what is abuse and if we talk about what will not be tolerated behavior with the adults in our children’s lives, we take back the power and we give to our children.
SOU volunteer reflects on her experience at CAC

My name is Cydney Reid and I am a volunteer at the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County. I am currently a senior at Southern Oregon University studying psychology and sociology.

I first heard about the Children’s Advocacy Center through a friend who was already volunteering at the CAC. My friend had always expressed how she enjoyed volunteering at the CAC and really appreciated what she was learning.

For my senior project, I decided to commit to volunteering at the CAC for at least 100 hours during my winter term.

When I first began at the Children’s Advocacy Center, I only knew that they helped children and teens who have suffered from abuse. As I continued volunteering, I learned about the other wonderful things that the CAC has to offer. The CAC has toothpaste/toothbrush bags that are given to clients, they have a wide selection of gently used clothing to give out to those in need, and they have hundreds of teddy bears and stuffed animals that are waiting for a loving home.

The CAC offers a wide variety of services to those in need and will work hard to help in every way that they can.

The CAC is staffed by a variety of people ranging from intake and therapy to development and outreach. Each person that I have met at the CAC is extremely caring and passionate about what they are doing.

It is wonderful to be surrounded by people who love their jobs and are dedicated to the CAC.

I have only been a volunteer at the CAC for a little over a month and I have thoroughly enjoyed the time that I have spent here. I look forward to the next few months and seeing more of the amazing things that they do.

Cydney Reid
The Cost of Even Keel

This is a post by Leah Howell, M.S., Training Coordinator for Protect Our Children Child Abuse Prevention Training of Jackson County, Oregon

A few years ago when my son was around 4 months old, we were concerned about his weight, so I did a Google Images search on what a typical 4 month old should look like.

I found a picture of a baby who could have been my son’s twin, and was born within weeks of my son. Out of curiosity, I clicked on the image and then the accompanying article. It was the story of a baby boy who had been repeatedly beaten, but each time was sent back home to his parents. At four months old he died at the hands of his father. To this day, when I think of that little boy, who deserved nothing but unbounded love, I feel deep, almost overwhelming sadness.

These strong feelings have significance to me because I have a 3 year old boy whose emotions seem to fluctuate between unprecedented elation and severe emotional distress from moment to moment.

My reaction to this roller-coaster of expression is to become “The Stabilizer.” I am the adult, after all. I am the person who needs to remain emotionally impervious to the tragedy of the minute, and offer some rational thought or feelings that balance his “crazy-makin’.” My son responds surprisingly well to most of my rational input-even at his age (you can give my husband all the credit for those genes).

Though I know “The Stabilizer” to be a necessary role currently with my three year old, I find that this function has morphed, and has begun to seep into me in a more personal way.

I find that it is my “go to” survival technique. When life gets stressful or overwhelming, I am the one who keeps the ship moving and minimizes any rocking – emotional or otherwise. Recently, I have sensed myself unwilling to contend with my own complicated emotions. Instead of feeling them, I choose to stuff them, then rationalize my way out of dealing with them.

I sometimes wonder how damaging this survival technique is. Used too often, this practice could keep me from focusing on the things that really matter – both in my family and community.

After all, allowing yourself to feel deeply is most often what compels a person to change or take decisive action.

Well known to most people, child abuse (and especially child sexual abuse) has been allowed to continue under the noses of many who would be outraged that it was occurring. But when adults in proximity were faced with this possibility, they perceived this truth as too devastating to them, and they took no action.

When I consider these tragic situations, I realize that I cannot continue as “The Stabilizer” for much longer, and still be the responsive parent I need to be. I acknowledge that the best protection I can provide to my son is to possess the will and courage to face the realities of life, (no matter how painful they may be) and walk alongside him through them- hand in hand.

Leah Howell
Foster Children: The stars in the tornadoes

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

When I was a caseworker I was often asked why I did what I did. How could I stand to see the pain and sorrow of small children on a daily basis? How could I see the struggling parents trying to do the best they could, even when the best they had to offer was not safe enough?

When others saw tornadoes, I saw stars. I was not alone. I was not special. There were many who came before me and many who came after me. This blog is not about me but about the global need for tolerance and understanding in a world of tornadoes.

I never could articulate an answer that seemed to satisfy the question. I can only tell you, if you listen close enough, the answer is in the tornado.

There is much pain in the life of a foster child. There is pain caused by the abuse. There is pain caused by the fact that the abuse is at the hands of someone who they love and by someone who is supposed to love them. And, if we are all honest, there is pain caused by the system that is trying to keep them safe.

Today as we begin to move our focus towards the celebration of independence and freedom, I want to challenge you to not forget those who are not free. Those who might not be fighting on the battlefields, but certainly fighting to stay alive…fighting to find peace…fighting to find safety.

I ask that you find it in your heart to find tolerance. To find compassion. Many of you are saying, “Of course!” “Of course I will give peace to an abused child.” “Of course I will not add to the pain of an abused child by denying compassion, empathy and acceptance.”

Remember that these children are sometimes in the whirl of the tornado. You will not see the child begging for help (at least not every time).

They may be the child who is throwing a tantrum. They may be the aggressive child. He may be the child constantly standing outside the principal’s office because he just can’t keep it together. It will not always be the child saying thank you, but might be the child telling you to go jump in the lake — using much more creative language than I choose to use here.

We cannot begin to understand the life of a foster child unless that is a life we have lived ourselves.

I am sharing a video. It is part two. I shared part one when it came out. Take the time to hear her story. It could help you to really make a difference in the life of a child. If you are a professional in the field, watch it all.

Remind yourself of the breathtaking job you have undertaken. Look for the stars.

Video Link

Click Here For Video
Forgiveness on the child victim’s terms — not the offender’s
By Tammi Pitzen, Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I have been sitting back and reading about the Duggar family and the recent publicity around the oldest son and his sexually abusing (Yes, that is what it is — not a sexual indiscretion, not just a “teenager’s mistake” and certainly not something to be forgotten) and trying to form some kind of opinion about what has happened.

I still have questions. Did Josh Duggar actually go to counseling or did the family just handle it?

Most families, even those who have professional expertise, cannot just handle sexual abuse. It is too easy to blur lines and allegiances. In order for recovery to be successful, the children abused need unwavering support and belief. The offender needs 100% accountability at all times. If you are a parent and both are your children, it is nearly impossible to be able to give both what they need.

It is not a judgment. It is just an observation. It is hard. You love both. You gave birth to both. It is not fair to either to try to “handle it” in the family.

And by counseling, I mean by a licensed therapist with special expertise in sexual offender treatment. Not manual labor. Not a stern talking to by a police official. Not a camp.

The counseling may have been received. I cannot find where anything that I know to normally happen in these cases, when they are handled appropriately, has happened in the case of Josh Duggar.

When teenaged offenders get appropriate treatment, much of the research shows that they do not generally re-offend sexually. (Disclaimer: The research with which I am most familiar was unpublished and was regarding a local program of which I served on the Board.) However, there is risk to re-offend sexually if appropriate treatment is not received. Many of the adult offenders who have crossed my path in my career started out with an issue as a minor that was not addressed.

Do I think that transgressions made when you are a teen should be left behind and that teens deserve a second chance?

Yes. Maybe. Maybe not.

Did they have one victim? Did they have multiple victims? Did they successfully complete sex offender treatment? Did they take responsibility or did they blame the victim or someone else? What were the circumstances for the sexual abuse? Were there aggravating circumstances? Did they have a sex offender assessment and what did that recommend?

This forgiveness that seems to be a thread running throughout all the social media coverage — how did that come about?

One of the most devastating things that can happen is for the abuse to be uncovered and then sit a victim and an offender in a room with a minister or other authority figure and have a discussion about forgiveness.

I am not saying forgiveness is not possible but it MUST be on the victim’s terms not on the offenders. It must be on the victim’s timeline. Not the offenders.

Forgiveness is not a requirement for victim recovery. It is for an offender. But is it the victim’s responsibility to make things right for the offender just because they say they are sorry? My own personal belief is no. I think most people reading this would say no.

Then my next question is, how is it that we are still allowing offenders to ask for forgiveness instead of letting the victim give forgiveness when they are ready? It is a power issue. It is a control issue.

In our world, something that plays over and over again is that offenders of sexual assault are the ones who get sympathy, support and understanding. While the victims get judgment and blame. You can say that it is not true. But I see it every day. In real live cases. With real live child victims.

To be clear, I have never watched the Duggar’s T.V. show. I also am not weighing in on what should or should not have been disclosed when working with the networks prior to the show’s airing. A background check generally does not tell about offenses of any kind committed as a minor.

If I am honest, I am pleased by the reaction of the sponsors who have taken a stand and will not support sexual offenders by paying to advertise their products during the airing of the show.

Do I think Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are terrible parents? I don’t know. Again I don’t know them or haven’t watched their show to make a judgment on that.
- I find it disturbing that they cannot recall the name of the therapy program they sent their child to for counseling regarding his sexual offenses.
- I find it disturbing that the dad says treatment and mom says they actually sent him to a friend to work in construction.
- I find it disturbing that the trooper they turned to for help is in prison for crimes related to child pornography.
- I find it disturbing that every comment I have read has been made in support of the offender and little about what has been done for the victims—some of which are their daughters.
I have read some reports that state Josh Duggar actually sued the Department of Human Services in Arkansas. Most likely to change the outcome of their investigation. The records are sealed due to confidentiality. But that tells me, if it is true, that he has not likely truly been successful in treatment. Part of successful treatment is taking responsibility for what you have done. Not minimizing it. Not changing outcomes.

I see a missed opportunity. What if instead of just cancelling the show and stopping all reruns of “19 and Counting”, The Learning Channel did a series of documentaries on the impact of child sexual abuse?

What if they used this as an opportunity to help victims find their voice? What if they used this as an opportunity to help parents have hard conversations with their children about sexual abuse? What if they used this opportunity to education parents about how to reduce the risk of child sexual abuse happening to their children?

LET ME SAY THIS LOUD AND CLEAR. I AM IN SUPPORT OF THE VICTIMS.

I don’t care about any other part of this story.

I hear this story and in my mind’s eye, I see a 14 year old boy in a room, with a small little girl, demanding forgiveness. I see standing behind this 14 year old boy, a mom, a dad, a state trooper, a church elder. I see a little girl being raised in a culture of total female submission to the males in their lives.

What would you do? I would do whatever they asked me.
Male sexual abuse by a woman is not a rite of passage

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I am saddened that in today’s world, with all the knowledge we have gained around child sexual assault, that we are still in a place where society blames the victim. Particularly if the victim is a teenaged boy and the perpetrator is a woman.

Child sexual abuse is not a dirty joke.

Child sexual abuse is not a rite of passage. Child sexual abuse is not someone’s private business. It is not a reason to give someone a “high five”. It is not something to celebrate.

If you do not understand the impact of child sexual abuse on a child, I want to share some things that child sexual abuse victims face:

• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Suicidal thoughts and actions
• Flashbacks/ Invasive thoughts
• Nightmares /insomnia
• Anger
• Anxiety
• Depression and mood swings
• Mental health difficulties
• Self-blame
• Guilt/ Shame/ Humiliation
• Fear/ Numbness
• Sense of loss, helplessness, isolation and alienation
• Low self–esteem, self-doubt, diminished self-belief
• Difficulties with relationships and intimacy

Male victims often need to add these to that list:

• Pressure to “prove” their manhood
• Confusion over gender and sexual identity
• Sense of being inadequate as a man
• Sense of lost power, control, and confidence in relation to manhood
• Problems with closeness and intimacy
• Sexual problems
• Fear that the sexual abuse has caused or will cause him to become a homosexual or ‘gay’
• Homophobia – fear or intolerance of any form of homosexuality.
(The above information and more can be found at www.livingwell.org)

So what on the list above deserves a “high five”? What on this list should be celebrated?

I hear the comebacks in my head.

• “But what 15 year old boy would not want to have sex with an attractive 30 year old woman?”
• “There is no abuse …. he initiated it.”
• Or my favorite (NOT) “I would have walked around with a smile on my face for a week if I had a teacher who was that attractive and wanted to have sex with me.”

I cannot even begin to tell you how much more trauma, shame and anxiety those type of comments and thoughts put on a child sexual abuse victim.

Let me try to enlighten you by telling you about offenders and offender behaviors … and yes, females can be sexual offenders. Offenders prey on vulnerable children. Those children who have low self-esteem. Those children that others deem liars. Those children who may have mental health issues or may just lack an attentive adult in their life. They prey on children who crave more attention, who need to find ways to feel better about themselves and children who are trusting of the adults in their lives. They prey on children who have vulnerabilities. Do not get me wrong. They will offend on children who do not meet the above criteria, but may not get away with it for very long.

Look at your state laws to see what the age of consent is. In Oregon it is 18 years of age. That means that a child cannot consent to sexual intercourse while under the age of 18.

Let me also tell you this. And this is the part you should pay special attention to. We sometimes forget. Children are not little adults. Even if they look like an adult. Even if they want to be treated like an adult. They are not little adults. And in any situation, no matter what the circumstance …. the adult is responsible for what happens between them and a child. The child is not responsible.

I will figure that someone will be saying right about now that there are situations in which the reverse is true. I can hear the list of times that someone somewhere is rattling off where this is just simply not true. The problem with that kind of thinking is that it allows perpetrators to feel justified in their abuse of a child. The child asked for it. The child wanted it. The child started it.

I don’t buy it. And if this were the case then there would be no child abuse. There would be no reason for laws to exist to protect these children. There is a reason there is an age of consent. There is a reason that there are policies and laws in place that say it is not okay for a teacher, a coach, a parent, a mentor, a therapist, a priest, or a boy scout leader to have sexual contact with a child.

And the last time I checked it did not say “unless said adult was female”.