Category: Abusers and Offenders

10 ways to keep children safe from abuse this holiday season

By Betsy Lewis, Social Media Contractor for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

The holidays are coming, and families and friends will be gathering together to celebrate.

Unfortunately, the holiday season is also the time of year when all types of child abuse increase.

And it is those we know, these very family members and friends, who are the ones most likely to abuse our children.

Here are some startling facts:

·        90% of children are abused by someone they know.

·        80% of sexual abuse occurs in one child – one adult situations.

·        30% of all child sexual abuse is perpetrated by other youth.

Put these facts together with the hectic holiday season, where adults and children are thrown together, regular schedules are in flux, parents are often stressed and distracted, and you can see why kids are at greater risk this time of year.

How can you protect your children? Darkness to Light/Stewards of Children, the curriculum we use in our Protect Our Children Trainings, calls it “Minimize Opportunity”

Here are suggestions for your holiday season that will minimize the opportunities for abuse:

1.      Choose group situations and have multiple adults supervise children.

2.      Scan the physical environment for hidden areas and correct dangers.

3.      Make sure interactions are observed and interrupted.

4.      Remember older youth should not be in isolated, one-on-one situations with younger children.

5.      Talk to kids about body boundaries (immediately, frequently and all year long.) Tell them they do not have to give or receive hugs, kisses, or other affection. Tell them to talk to you if anyone crosses their body boundaries. If your child tells you that he doesn’t want to be around a particular person or participate in a particular outing, take her or him seriously.

6.      Avoid one child – one adult situations. If you do have to leave your child alone with someone, make it “observable and interruptible.” Let the adult know that you could return at any time, that you and your child are educated about child sexual abuse and that you have taught your child to tell you if there are body boundary violations.

7.      Have a household open door policy – no interior doors are to be shut.

8.      Make sure all outings, games and activities are observable by you or others.

9.      Make any interactions with older children observable by multiple adults.

10.   Be aware of “roughhousing.” Know that tickling, poking the stomach, patting the butt or knees, rubbing shoulders, can all be part of the grooming process.

This is a hard truth and can be difficult to hear and accept: You cannot trust anyone 100% and no one is exempt, not even the closest, most beloved family members.

Additionally, be sure to manage your own stress level and drug and alcohol use so you can be alert and aware. Most importantly, go with your instincts. Pay attention and take the necessary steps to correct any dangers if anything bothers you about someone who spends time with your child.

The best way to keep the holidays a beautiful and magical experience and memory is to take good care of you and yours. You matter!

Betsy Lewis
Are your kids safe at summer camp?
By Leah Howell

I have worked at summer camps for most of my career. I started as a junior camp counselor, and over the course of high school, college, and graduate school found myself drawn to camp program management in the most beautiful of settings. I completed my graduate thesis at a summer camp, and have never regretted contributing the majority of my time and efforts to concepts of leadership development, environmental conservation, and teamwork during these years.

As the past Training Coordinator for a sexual abuse prevention program at the CAC, and learning about prevention as well as the prevalence of sexual abuse, I recognize how inadequate the standard camp measures were in creating a flawlessly safe environment for youth. As Camp Counselors, Program Directors and Camp Administrators, safety was on our radar – we were keenly aware of the dangerous and overtly suspicious situations involving adults and youth. However, looking back over the course of many years working and living at camps, I now more fully recognize the potentially compromising environments that exist in a youth camp setting. Consistent and costly changes to the camp’s physical environment, facilities, organizational processes and staff structures would have been needed to totally eliminate potentially harmful situations. I doubt much has changed in camp standards in the last 15 years.

I do not say all this to scare you, Parents. Camp can be a wonderful enriching experience in a youth’s life. I only say this to communicate how crucial it is for you to get proactively involved to increase the protection of your kids. I advise this not only as they go away to day camp or sleep away camp, but as they interact with organizations of all kinds.

Here is some great advice from Dr. Jackie Humans, on how to best prevent, recognize and react to sexual abuse, which can be applied to all organizations that provide care for your child.

“According to Psychology Today, adolescents account for approximately 50% of all sexual abuse. Unfortunately, summer camp is an ideal place for abusers; in recent years, sexual abuse has occurred at Christian camps, publicly funded camps, Boy Scout camps, and even the camp run by the school President Obama’s daughters attend. While no camp is immune from the possibility of sexual abuse, there are five important steps parents can take to prevent their child from becoming a victim of abuse.
1. Educate about body parts
When teaching your child the names of body parts, use the proper terms for penis, scrotum, vagina and anus. The use of euphemisms can jeopardize your child’s credibility should they someday need to report abuse. Explain that these parts of their body are very private, and that no one should be touching them there unless that person has a legitimate reason (e.g., a pediatrician or early child care provider).

Because every child molester asks their victims to keep the abuse between the two of them, teach your child that it’s never okay to keep a secret (unless it has an ‘expiration’ date, such as a surprise party) and that if someone touches their private parts they need to tell you or another adult (many camps forbid cell phones) immediately; and to keep telling until they get help.

Even if someone just makes them feel uncomfortable or creepy when they’re nearby, they need to report it.

Make it clear that no matter what another child or adult may tell them, they will never get into trouble for reporting.

Lastly, move heaven and earth to make sure that no adult is ever allowed to be alone with your child. The only way abusers can do what they do is by having uninterrupted, private access to a child.
1. Screen the camp
It is important for parents to know that the camp has policies and procedures in place to minimize the risk of sexual abuse. Parents should ask the following questions:

Are criminal background checks (including the sex offenders registry) performed on all personnel? How many references does the camp require, and how does the camp check them?

What training do staff members receive about child sexual abuse?

How are campers made aware of what to do if they feel unsafe?

Under what circumstances are staff members allowed to be alone with a camper? (The answer needs to be: NONE!)

How does the camp monitor behavior of older campers with their younger peers?

Are at least two adult counselors assigned to sleep in each cabin?

Who is responsible for enforcing camp rules and regulations?
1. Recognize potential abusers
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention reported in 2005 that 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are sexually assaulted before the age of 18. The vast majority of abusers (90%) are male, and 71% of the time, the abuser knows the victim.

Whenever someone seems to be overly interested in your child, beware. Camps routinely forbid their counselors to babysit or spend time with campers outside camp precisely because a counselor who has had the opportunity to develop a close relationship with your child is in a position to have an undue amount of influence. Sexual predators tend to be masters at “grooming” their victims by insinuating themselves into their victim’s life and becoming someone the child likes and trusts.

What many parents don’t realize is that almost a third of sexually abused children are victimized by an older child. That’s why it’s important to know what the camp’s policies are regarding how much contact is permitted between different age groups and how well supervised the groups are.
1. Know the warning signs of sexual abuse
Warning signs of sexual abuse in younger children:

Trouble walking or sitting

Precocious awareness of sexual topics

Seductive behavior

Unprecedented shyness about getting undressed

Avoiding a specific individual for no apparent reason

Sleep disturbances

Bedwetting or soiling

Expressing concern about genitalia

Reluctance to go back to camp

Warning signs of sexual abuse in older children:

Unusual interest in or avoidance of sexual topics

Depression or suicidal thoughts

Self-isolation/emotional aloofness

Hostility or aggressive behavior

Secretiveness

Seductive behavior

Sleep disturbances

Substance abuse

Reluctance to go back to camp
1. Know what to do if you suspect abuse
Support your child: Research shows that the single most important factor in a child’s doing well after being abused is the steady emotional support of their parents. First and foremost, keep your true feelings hidden and remain calm and collected. It’s the most courageous and kindest thing you can do for your child.

Explain that abuse is never, ever their fault. Many times victims of child sexual abuse will wait years or decades before revealing what happened, and even then it’s usually only to their therapist. When asked why they never reported the abuse as a child, patients admit that sometimes the sexual stimulation of their genitalia was pleasurable and they always believed this meant the abuse was partially their own fault. That’s why it’s critically important to explain to a child that the abuse is never, ever their fault, not even a little tiny bit, no matter what.

Make sure they know you believe them. Some children never report sexual abuse because they fear they won’t be believed, especially when the abuser is known and trusted by the family. Tell your child you believe them; children rarely lie about having been sexually abused. Acting as though you might doubt your child will only compound the psychological damage sustained from having been abused.

Praise them for sharing. After your child has finished telling you what happened, praise them for confiding in you and let them know you realize it couldn’t have been easy. Then immediately notify the local authorities or call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1.800.4.A.CHILD (1.800.422.4453)

Minimizing the chances of abuse

Child molesters are adept at manipulating their victims into believing that the abuse is the child’s fault, that they won’t be believed if it’s reported, and that they or someone they love will get hurt if abuse gets reported. By letting your child know their private parts are off limits to others and that they will never get in trouble for reporting, that it’s never OK for someone to ask them to keep a “forever” secret, and by not allowing any adult to be alone with your child, you’re making your child far less vulnerable to predators who know how to exploit the naivete of children.

Dr. Jackie Humans is a graduate of the Workplace Bullying Institute, the only organization in the United States that trains individuals how to present anti-bullying programs for bullying in the workplace. She also works with Child Abuse Prevention Services (CAPS), a nonprofit organization that sends volunteers into schools to present programs about keeping kids safe. She is a well-known speaker and program leader on subjects such as bully prevention, Internet safety, sexual harassment, date rape and child abuse, and the author of 15 Ways to ZAP a Bully!
Which do you choose? Action or Silence

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

Have any of you been following the R Kelly sexual abuse scandal? I have to say that even though I have heard a lot of things in my career some of this is just down right unbelievable. But I somehow believe it!

Let’s look at what has been reported.

In 2002 R Kelly was arrested on 21 counts of child pornography. In a report he is quoted as saying in an interview “There’s things that people have done in their lives that they regret, and I’m no different,” he told MTV News last month. “I’m a human being, and I want people to know that I’m no angel here, but I’m no monster either. I’m no guy that would do this.” In this case he was acquitted. His attorney in that case later said he believed his client was guilty.

Fast forward to 2019. He uses language like “I beat my case in 2002 and you can’t double-jeopardy me like that”. If you were innocent would you say I beat my case or would you say I was innocent and that was proven? In this same interview he blames his victims’ parents saying they sold their daughters to me.

So far I am not convinced he is innocent. So far I am convinced based on his language and his words that he is guilty. I haven’t even read the allegations until today. I am solely basing my opinion based on the very words he used in his interview on national TV.

In his interview, he is doing what many sex offenders do. He is minimizing his criminal behavior. He is laying blame for his behavior on others. He is of course trying to convince us all that he is no monster, therefore he could not be guilty. He is playing the victim in all of this. He is trying to convince us how utterly incredulous it would be for him to hold anyone captive…to sexually abuse anyone. He is R Kelly after all. Why would he have to? Well. The answer to that last one is that he wouldn’t have to at all. But that does not answer whether or not he did.

R Kelly is not even someone we can say is very nice. He has to make a lot of money but chose not to pay his child support. His ex-wife says he was domestically violent with her. He married Aaliya when she was 15 and he was 27.

All the information above was gathered out of listening to R Kelly’s own words and the words of those who were or are close to him. None of it is from the victim’s voice. And to be clear…I do understand that anyone can say anything and that does not make it true. However, the sheer number of voices in this case certainly has to mean something.

The victim’s stories are similar. R Kelly was controlling. They were underage when their “relationship” started. They would sometimes be locked in a room. Some say he would video record their sexual acts. Others used words like submitted to having sex with him. He would control who they were allowed to speak with. As I sifted through their stories, they all rang true to me.

Some would be put off by the similarities, but for me that seems right. Sexual predators have routines…have modus operandi if you will. Some traits that are common for sexual offenders include, but are not limited to: engaging in sexual contact with children or adolescents, having sexual contact with others against their will or without consent, humiliation of others, inflicting pain on others, participating in or watching acts of physical aggression or violence, “thinking errors”, and isolating their victims.

Thinking errors in this particular reference refer to things that sex offenders say to themselves and to others to justify their actions. (Example: I didn’t mean to sexual abuse her, but she came on to me — she forced me to do it — and the her/she referenced is six years-old at the time.)

I wonder what makes this time around different from 2002. I wonder if this time will have different outcomes for R Kelly. I worry that there will be no accountability and this will turn into fodder for a Saturday Night Live shtick. I worry for the young lady that is currently residing with him and out of contact with her family. What will happen to her? What will be the long term outcomes for her if he is found guilty? Or found not guilty? I wonder about the many witnesses along the way that did not intervene or those that tried. What are the outcomes for them?

I wonder where we go from here. Where do the victims go from here? Will what happens next help them start healing or will it destroy them and their futures?

I wonder what messages our children are receiving as this unfolds. I wonder what messages future victims are hearing. Are they messages that will support them coming forward and reporting? Or will they accept their abuse as fate?

We don’t need to be powerless.

We can safely intervene by reporting what we suspect when we suspect to the authorities. When someone discloses abuse to us, we can tell them we believe them. We can take a class through the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County’s Protect Our Children program and learn how to recognize and respond to sexual abuse. We can support the work of organizations like the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County by being a financial supporter or volunteering our time. We can speak out and step out in support of child abuse victims. We can demand accountability for offenders of child abuse.

Or we can join the silence that infiltrates the underworld that is child sexual abuse.

Tammi Pitzen
USA Women Gymnasts Show Our Daughters That You Can Tell

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

This is an Olympic year. I mean that quite literally. This year athletes will compete in the Winter Olympics. The very best of the best in just about every sporting event you can think of. Recently my son and I were learning all about Curling. I know. It is such a random sport. I don’t even really remember how we stumbled upon it, but we both sat mesmerized by the competition that we were watching on TV. So much in fact, that my son talked me into letting him stay up another 30 minutes so we could watch the end.

I have always loved the Olympics. Maybe because I am not athletic by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe because the athletes represent all that is good in our world. Maybe it is the competitiveness that I don’t feel, but am fascinated by when I see it in others. Maybe it is the pride when the American flag is raised and the National Anthem is played when our athletes are standing in the spotlight. Maybe it is the endurance, sacrifice and discipline that is displayed by each athlete.

The last couple of weeks we have learned about the sexual abuse that plagued the USA Gymnastics Program.

It is always so heartbreaking to learn of the legacy that child sex offenders leave behind in the forms of wounded souls. In this case a doctor, Larry Nassar, was convicted of sexually abusing female athletes in the USA Gymnastics Program. Wikipedia defines Dr. Larry Nassar as a convicted serial child molester.

He had 250 known victims. How many are unknown?

He was a doctor. I trust my son’s pediatrician…as in…to me any word she utters is gold. I have sought advice from her concerning my son’s behavior. I have looked to her to show me the path to good nutrition and good health for my son. I have looked to her for his healing when he has been ill. Every single time she has exceeded my expectations. One of the reasons is that she is a wonderful person who has mad healing skills. But really, one of the big reasons is that I am welcome to be in the room with my son when she examines him. She takes time to tell him what she is doing and why she is doing it. She educates him about safety and body safety. It isn’t because she knows what I do in my “real world” job either. She does this with all her patients and I suspect has since the beginning of her practice.

I cannot imagine the heartbreak these young athletes feel by the betrayal. The trauma of the abuse is one thing, but that is compounded by the fact that it was perpetrated by someone who was so respected in their world and who was supposed to have their safety and emotional well-being as his number one priority.

I happened to be in my car on one of the days of the sentencing and caught many of the victim impact statements that were read on one of the news radio stations. It was heart wrenching. In many cases it was years ago, but their healing could not start until their voice was heard.

The Judge in this case was criticized by some of the Bench. I think she was amazing. She allowed time for each and every victim who cared to come forward to read their truth to the world. She held Larry Nassar accountable. She held him accountable when he wrote her a letter saying that it was mental cruelty to make him hear all the victims read their statements. She held him accountable when he used language like “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. This Judge is a class act. She has told the media she will not make statements because it is no longer her story. It isn’t about her. She will not talk to media without a survivor present.

These young women are showing our daughters that you can tell. You can find safety. If you are sexually abused, it is not your fault.

Boys too! It just happens to be that this man preyed on women who were young and vulnerable. I am hopeful there will never be another Dr. Larry Nassar allowed to create a legacy of tears. I am hopeful that other agencies that employ people who have influence over and contact with children, no matter what the venue, will look at their rules and policies and assess the risk of abuse presented to the children they work with.

We are all responsible. We should learn. We should honor the endurance, the sacrifice and defiance of these women athletes breaking the silence.

We should give this promise–Never Again!

Tammi Pitzen
One Thing You Can Do That Matters
By Ginny Sagal, Communication & Outreach Coordinator for the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

You can’t read a newspaper or turn on a television without hearing about child sexual abuse.

Do not feel helpless.

There is one thing you can do that matters in addressing child sexual abuse. You can take a child abuse prevention training through the Children’s Advocacy Center Protect Our Children Project.

When I read and hear these horrible stories, I think how wonderful it would be if all parents and caregivers knew how to recognize and respond to child sexual abuse.

The Protect Our Children training guides you through 5 steps to protecting children from sexual abuse.

The 5 Steps are:
1. Learn the Facts: 1 in 10 children are sexually abused before the age of 18. Over 90% of them know their abuser. There is no more of this stranger danger thing. We need to go beyond that.
2. Minimize the Opportunity: Decrease the risk of abuse by eliminating one on one situations.
3. Talk About It: Have age appropriate, open conversations about our bodies, sex and boundaries. I think of the gymnast kids who were abused by their doctor or coach that the families had trusted.
4. Recognize the signs: Why is this person giving gifts to my child? Why is this person always with the kids when he or she should be with the adults when we are at a party?
5. React Responsibly: How you reacts matters. Go with your gut feeling!
The Protect Our Children Project uses the Stewards of Children curriculum, developed by Darkness to Light.

We believe that when adults take the class they recognized that it is all our responsibility to protect children.

We believe that adults who take the class decrease the risk of the children in their life being sexually abused.

The fact is that 99% of participants who take the training would recommend this training to a friend, family member or co-worker. (Study done by the University of Oregon Center for Prevention of Abuse and Neglect.)

The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County has partnered with The Ford Family Foundation to offer this training to anyone in Jackson County for FREE.

Just think, in 2 to 3 short hours you can decrease the risk that a child in your life will be sexually abused. THAT IS BIG!!!

Do one thing that Matters for the kids and teens in your life. Take a Protect our Children training.

To register for a training for yourself or your group, business or organization go to: http://cacjc.org/services/prevention or call Leah Howell, Protect Our Children Training Coordinator, at 541-734-5437 ext. 1013

Ginny Sagal
“My family survived” because of the CAC

This is a speech by Lori Phillips

The year was 1993. My oldest daughter, Jennifer, came to me one evening and disclosed a horrific truth.

Her father had sexually molested her.

She was 11 years old that year. The specific abuse had taken place many years before. She had blocked it out, only to remember on a cold and windy October afternoon.

I believed her, but I didn’t want to believe that the one person I trusted most with her care, could commit such a vile act and hurt my child so deeply. I contacted the authorities. And I waited.

Once she disclosed her abuse, the floodgates opened. Her memory, her pain began to spill over, threatening to drown us all. I took to my journal, and wrote:

“We are hiding out at Mom’s, partially because I need the support. My sweet beautiful child has been hurt so deeply. The days pass and more is disclosed. I want to help her, to take it all away. I want to see him suffer. Death is too easy. How can anyone do this to an innocent child? Of course, he has taken that from her.”

The next few weeks were wrought with anxiety and tension. Never sure what would be around the next corner. Sometimes the days seem so endless. I want so much to help my baby girl, but I don’t know how. I see a facade during the day, but in the evening when we are alone, I see the raw ugly truth.

“I watch as she plucks out her eyelashes and brows. I place a pillow under her head as she bangs it against the hard floor. I want to scream, cry and vent my anger. I grieve for what is lost, for the innocence that was taken from her. She can never go back, will never have a normal childhood or adolescence. I’m angry, sad and frightened. How am I to deal with all of this?”

Navigating the legal system is confusing and frightening to most of us. It is especially frightening to a mother trying to protect her child from further harm, all the while dealing with the emotional hurricane that had laid waste to our lives.

The Task Force was a safe port in the storm directing us to the shelter of the CAC. Feeling confused, lost and alone, I placed my broken family in the capable hands of the CAC staff.

Jane welcomed us with warm open arms and provided the knowledge and support that we so desperately needed. It was here we started our journey of healing. My questions were answered as the entire staff held us up through each step on the road to recovery – the road that takes each of us from being a victim, to that of a survivor.

I became active in a parent’s support group at the Center. There I gained essential knowledge of the process we were to experience, from the Grand Jury to the courtroom and beyond. It was this amazing group, run by the CAC staff, that shared with me valuable insight into the world of not only the perpetrator, but the victim as well.

I came to understand how it happened without my knowledge, and how to help my daughter.

Therapy is a wonderful tool, and with a non-offending parent involvement, the path to healing can begin. It really does take a village to raise a child.

I recently had the honor to tour the expanded facility of the CAC. I was excited to view all the new opportunities the center has to help those who pass through the doors. Yet it saddens me to realize there is still a need, and that there always will be. Child sexual abuse has always been present in our communities, hiding in the threads of secrecy.

We need the CAC to help those who have been abused, their families and to educate those that have not.

I am honored to tell my story. My family supports me now, as the CAC did so many years ago. They were my lifeline, my hope that someday I could say with conviction, “My family survived.”

I am so grateful to the CAC and all its supporters, volunteers, staff, and sponsors. Because of them, my family is healthy and whole. They made the difference in our lives.
Taylor Swift changed the conversation (and maybe the world)

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

Last month Taylor Swift was awarded one dollar in a law suit against D.J. David Mueller.

If you do not know the story, here is the short version. A few years ago, Taylor Swift was in Denver at a Meet ‘N Greet and David Mueller grabbed her bare butt under her skirt. Her mother later reported it to his employers and they fired him. He then sued for defamation and lost. Taylor Swift counter sued him for sexual assault for 1 dollar and won.

I will be honest that I was never a big fan of Taylor Swift. I liked “Shake It Off” as much as the next guy I guess. It was a catchy tune. If you would have asked me a month ago if I thought she was a good role model for our daughters, I probably would have said, “no”. You can google her and a long string of articles involving boyfriend drama come up.

On August 15, 2017 that changed. I would tell you now that I am thankful for her courage. I am thankful she made a statement when she could have made it about money.

I would even go so far as to say that parents should use this “incident” as a teaching moment for our sons as well as our daughters.

She went to trial when she could have remained silent. This young lady did not back down when the defense attorney tried to place blame on her. She stood proudly and stood firm. She CALLED the OFFENDER out! She clearly and firmly stated, “I’m not going to allow you or your client to say I am to blame.” In my head, this statement is followed by the court room spectators doing the wave!

She received a dollar as her judgement. This move has silenced the would-be naysayers who would claim this was about money. It was about more than money. It was about sending a message.

I think Taylor Swift has changed the conversation and here are the reasons why I think so…

1)      By stepping out of the shadows, she has literally just shown the world that you can be a victim of sexual assault, tell your story and be believed. This move will send a message to young teenage girls struggling…to full grown adult women…to the famous and the never known…that there is hope and safety available out there. Heck! Let’s hope the message crosses the gender line and brings hope to all people who have suffered abuse.

2)     I do not know at what point it became accepted that men had the right to grope a woman. Somehow the message has been sent that if you are a pretty young girl with a great body, you are asking for someone to touch you and that if they do, it is okay. You should not be so fit or so pretty. Taylor Swift has shown that you can be pretty. You can be successful. AND has boldly reminded the world that it is not okay to grab someone who does not want to be grabbed. Anywhere. Much less on their bare bottom. Boys will be boys is no longer tolerated.

3)     You can be 27 and change the world. Your voice matters. You can change the conversation.

4)     No matter how much she was pressured, led, or blamed…she held firm and redirected the responsibility back on the offender.

5)     The conversation changed when it was not about money. I guess I don’t have a problem if it had been about money. If you are abused, no amount of money is going to change that it happened, but it can give you the resources to recover. But by taking money out of the equation, those who always go there…have no reason to. When I say “go there”…you know what I am talking about…she is only trying to make a buck. She is only trying to ruin his life, his career. She is only trying to bankrupt the poor guy.

He ruined his life and career by making poor choices. She did not bankrupt him. She did not profit in any way from this except to gain an almost 50-year-old woman living in Medford Oregon as a fan.
What the Bill Cosby Mistrial Means for Us

Recently we all watched as the Bill Cosby trial came to an end in a mistrial. It seems so hard to understand how this could happen when he admitted to giving drugs to the victim so that he could have sex with her. For those of us immersed in this work, that admission is a huge red flag for so many different reasons, but the one that stands out the most is that we all know that if someone is intoxicated or heavily under the influence or otherwise rendered incapacitated then they are unable to consent to sexual activity. I have a guest blogger today writing about this case…when I read her blog it rings true and I wanted to share it with you. Katie Wilson is a 23 year old California native who is pursuing a path in journalism by sharing her truth through her own blog. (Tammi Pitzen, CAC Executive Director)

By Katie Wilson: First published June 20, 2017 on the Odyssey Blog: https://www.theodysseyonline.com/bill-cosby-mistrial-means-society

Allegations of Cosby’s alleged sexual misconduct first came to light in November of 2014. Since then there have been more than 50 women who have come forward, and claimed to have been a victim of Cosby’s misconduct. According to these women Cosby would drug them, usually in their drinks, or in regular pill form offered as a pain reliever. The women then claim they woke up groggily some time later in bed either during or after the rape occurred. When news first broke there were thirteen women who were anonymously going to testify against Cosby, being called the “Jane Does.” As time went on, some of these women felt comfortable coming forward and identifying themselves to share more of their story, as to help other victims who were afraid, or ashamed to come forward. The women stated they wanted to help and wanted to come together in support, in a way that those of us who have never been through such a tragedy can not.

There were opinions from all sides as Cosby maintained his innocence. Quite a lot of people didn’t want to believe that the comedian who had always been portrayed as a family man/father figure was capable of committing such acts. Others trying to belittle the claims, or find ways to defend the seventy-nine year old’s actions. Claiming that the women wanted to have relations with him, and defending all of his choices, many believing the defenses that he began stating in an attempt to maintain his own innocence. Then there were the radical feminists calling for a hulk sized take-down of a man who had lived a life so vile.

On June 12 the trial against Cosby for the rape of Andrea Constand began. Despite numerous evidence that this is not a singular occurrence, and something that Cosby is all but admitted to; i.e. Jokes in a segment about spiking women’s drinks to get them to have sex with him; the jury was somehow not able to reach a verdict after more than fifty-two hours of deliberating. This causing Judge Steven O’Neil to declare the case a mistrial. While prosecutors have vowed to retry Cosby in the one hundred and twenty day period in which they have to do so, this mistrial is very important for our society today. We live in a world where only three hundred and ten out of a thousand assault cases are even reported. In those three hundred, only fifty seven will lead to an arrest according to records. Of those an even smaller portion will face trial with reportedly only six out of the three hundred actually facing any sort of criminal charge. With statistics like these victims who already feel embarrassment, shame, guilt, or regret have a hard time finding a reason to make themselves relive all of the trauma they have been through, countless times in order to maybe, possibly, find justice if they’re part of that one percent.

When a trial takes over a media firestorm and someone with mass popularity and nationwide love no longer is safe from justice; someone who is widely known and loved has to stand up and face his crimes, then women everywhere begin to see a light of hope. A hope for a nation that will not tell them that it is their fault they were assaulted. A nation that doesn’t tell a woman to cover up but a man to respect her no matter what. A world in where three months in prison and a slap on the wrist is never an okay punishment for rape. But suddenly then there’s a mistrial. Because despite the evidence our society doesn’t want to believe that there can be this kind of ugliness. That despite the hurt and the pain we would rather hide it away and cover it up.

This mistrial shows women that no matter how loud you scream and shout, no matter how hard you fight someone is always going to think you’re making it up. This mistrial shows that while we have made bold leaps in the last hundred years for equality we still have a very long way to go. Until women feel safe walking the street and standing in their truth, until we can get comfortable revealing the ugly hidden beneath our country, and bringing it to light we can not claim to be America the Beautiful.
Child Abuse Case Plays Out on the National Stage

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

It is not often that a child abuse case plays out on the national stage. However, last week, we had one play out. The young lady who was kidnapped by her teacher was found and rescued.

Please note the language used here. Kidnapped. Rescued. Keep those words in your mind as you read the rest of this blog post.

To fill in those who have not tuned into this story, a 15 year old girl was kidnapped by teacher, Tad Cummings. They were on the run for about a month before the FBI located them in Siskiyou County at a remote cabin.

Since she was found, I have been asked many times about what a parent can do to prevent this from happening — what the signs are to look for, and I have been questioned about whether she was in a relationship or was she really kidnapped.

I want to start off by saying that anything that happens between a child and an adult — the adult is responsible.

There is a power differential between a child and an adult. The adult always holds power. This power differential is even greater when that adult is a teacher or a person in a position of authority or trust. In some regards, it is the same power and control that you hear about in domestic violence. The offender has all the power and control. The victim has none. What happens is similar to what happens when someone is “gaslighting”. The victim’s reality is whatever the offender tells her it is. The offender is able to accomplish this through “grooming” behaviors. It does not happen overnight. There is a process.

Of course, here is where I insert the disclaimer. I don’t have personal knowledge of what has happened in this case. I am basing my opinions on what information is out in the news, which may or may not be accurate. Also, he is innocent until proven guilty. And, of course, she is not accused of anything–so blameless.

Let’s look at what has been reported. The victim’s sister says that she is vulnerable because she had been the victim of bullying. His sister says he was trying to keep her safe. She was going to run away and so he needed to go with her so she wouldn’t be alone.

He packed medication for erectile dysfunction, handguns and $4,500 he had just received through a loan. He told his wife he needed to go to Virginia to clear his head. Now right off the bat I need to clarify what I see as thinking errors (others would call it the things we tell ourselves to convince ourselves and others that what we are doing is actually a noble deed or something that we had no control over—either is a good way to look at it.) Google “sex offender thinking errors” for a better description.

1) If a teen is going to run away, an adult male’s first response is not to run away with her. A rational person would contact the child’s parent, another school official, or perhaps — if the school has one — a school resource officer.

2) Erectile dysfunction medication is not for a life threatening condition (as in your health would not be in jeopardy if you do not take them) and is useless in keeping teenage girls safe.

3) Married adult men do not lie to their wives about their intentions if they are not improper. I am sure there are many, many more of these, but I just want to give you a few to think about as you are deciding what your thoughts and opinions are about this case.

Let’s move on to whether or not the victim is to blame and what exactly is her crime.

She was vulnerable because of being bullied. She trusted an adult who made her feel special. When you are bullied, you begin to experience low self-esteem and do not feel you have value. As a 15-year-old bullied girl, it would be very uplifting to know that an adult male found value in you. If you are good at grooming, you will be able to convince said teen that not only do you think they have value, but that you are the best thing that has ever happened in their life.

I also read that there was a restraining order granted that would prohibit the victim’s mom from having contact with her. Another thing that victim did wrong was to have a mother who had been physically abusive in the past and to have a court find that it would be detrimental for the victim to have contact with her mother at this time.

All sarcasm aside. Offenders target children who have low self-esteem, have disrupted or strained relationships with one or both parents and who may have strained or non-existent peer relationships. It is so much easier to manipulate the victim if they do not have open communication with anyone outside the offender. And yes, he is an alleged offender. As she is a child, she is unable to consent to a relationship with an adult–that is what the law says. The age of consent in Tennessee is 18, in Oklahoma it is 16 and in California it is 18—according to my online research. Basically, as a 15-year-old in all three states that we know he took her to, she was unable to consent to having a sexual relationship with the alleged offender.

No matter whether it turns out that the two of them had any sexual contact, it was illegal. AND the ADULT is responsible. So yes, he is an alleged sex offender. Yes. She is a victim of child sexual assault or whatever term those state’s statutes use for that event. NO! She is not to blame.

The conversation needs to be changed to help those out there who may be listening who have not yet found safety—who have not yet reported.

If you or those around you are blaming the child…other children who may be in similar situations will not report. It isn’t safe. The conversation needs to shift from victim blaming, to what is it we all can do to help create a safe environment for children to report and find safety and heal.

The conversation needs to change from what can parents look for if their child is at risk, to how can a parent be engaged throughout a child’s life. We know that nurturing needs to begin early in life. We know that safety needs should be met early in life. The best way to reduce the risk that your child will become a victim is to have dinner as a family, to keep communication open, to establish early on that — no matter what your child tells you – you will always love them, keep them safe, advocate for them — be there for them.

We know that starting these conversations during the teen years is not as effective as starting them when they are 3 or younger. The best way to safeguard your child against sexual abuse is to be present in their life…know who their friends are…who their friend’s parents are… who their teachers are and to model healthy and appropriate relationships for your child.

Is it too late to start if your child is already a teen? No way! But own up to the fact that you are starting the conversation late. Your child will appreciate the fact that you realize this. Follow through…if you tell them they can tell you anything…then be open and let them tell you anything and try to not respond with anger, disappointment, or judgment.

Finally, put all would-be offenders on notice that you are watching.

If an adult is spending too much alone time with your child…ask them why and put a stop to it. If someone is crossing boundaries that you recognize should not be crossed…call them out on it. If you haven’t met the people your child is hanging out with or if they are always “meeting” them places instead of letting you get to know their friends…put a stop to it.

Grooming is a real thing.

Learn about it. Take a class. The CAC teaches adults to recognize and respond to sexual abuse. Enroll in a Protect Our Children class by visiting our website at http://cacjc.org/services/prevention/
Ensure your child/teen is safe in the care of a youth organization

By Leah Howell, Protect Our Children Training Coordinator

Recent headlines are almost unbelievable. Another employee from a youth serving organization has been accused of making sexual advances toward a teen.

It makes us wonder how this person has been allowed to join the ranks of a reputable organization. We assume that the employment screening that an organization does, in adhering to national standards, will keep our children and teens safe. So why does it keep failing? If these measures are, in fact, effective how do these abusive acts toward children and teens keep happening in our organizations?

As most of us are aware, organizations are made up of humans. Humans who at times have poor judgement, make mistakes, and overlook problems. Pressure from others, funding difficulties, or the urgent needs of the population served may compel a leader in an organization to approve arrangements that risk the safety of the children and teens in their care. These actions are not taken out of malicious intent, but are enacted based on difficulties in some area of the organization that cause it to stray from what is ideal.

As clients and customers of these organization’s services, you are in a position to influence these decisions. You have the power to demand that the organization’s policies ensure the safety of your child or teen, no matter what challenges they face.

Here are some suggestions about how to ensure your child/teen is safe in the care of an organization:

Step One: Get Educated– When you become educated in what should be expected of an organization who cares for your child/teen, you will know what to ask and what to look for while interacting with the organization. Protect Our Children Stewards of Children training is a free, 3 hour training that informs adults about healthy policies in organizations as it relates to child-adult interactions. We offer this training each month at the Medford Library. In this training you will also receive a workbook with many resources that spell out exactly how an organization should conduct themselves.

Step Two: Observe and Ask– After you have educated yourself, it is time to start observing what is going on in the organization. For instance, do any red flags go up when you drop in for a visit? This is the time when you start asking the organization really important questions, “What are the circumstances, if any, when an adult may be one on one with a child?,” “What are your screening practices in hiring new employees?”, “Do you ever make exceptions to your stated policies?” ,”Do you provide a Code of Conduct for employees and volunteers that outlines what is and is not acceptable while working with children?” These questions, and others highlighted in the Protect Our Children Stewards of Children training, will go a long way in bringing attention to the situations that would be most dangerous for your child. It also makes the organization aware that you are paying attention, and will be holding them accountable to their responses.

Step Three: Evaluate– Now it is time to evaluate whether the organization is responsive and adhering to the standards that increase the safety of your child/teen, or whether they are unnecessarily exposing your child to unsafe situations and people. If you are dissatisfied with their current policies- communicate that to the leadership. Let them know that the Protect Our Children Stewards of Children training can be brought to their site, and is offered free of charge. We can also assist them in developing safer policies, and provide resources to help them navigate some of the challenges they may face in enacting them.

Your child’s safety depends on your awareness and action. We can make our community safer for our children, but it takes a proactive effort.

Leah Howell