The Children's Advocacy Center of Jackson County

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  • Lessons I learned from my father

    By Tammi Pitzen, CAC Executive Director

    Ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you I am a Daddy’s Girl.

    I cannot begin to tell you how much I love my mom, but my dad has always been my hero. Some of my strongest personality traits are ones I inherited from my father. The stubbornness. The inability to be wrong in any argument. Respect for authority. These are tempered by fierce loyalty to family and friends, a strong belief in taking care of those more vulnerable than I, and recognizing the importance of the golden rule.

    Growing up I never heard my father say anything bad about anyone. I never heard him say a curse word. I never saw him lie or be dishonest. I did see him work very hard at a job where his supervisors did not fully appreciate him. I did see him give to others. I did see him love my Mother. I did see him take leadership roles.

    There were other lessons that were harder to grasp. I think that those lessons are the ones that I still carry around in my heart:

    • Nothing worth having comes without sacrifice. Those things that are handed to us are usually taken for granted.
    • Do the right thing, even when no one else is looking. You are always looking. Don’t do anything that would make it hard to look at yourself in the mirror.
    • Never start something you are not going to see to the end. People are counting on you and your word is a promise. Never break a promise.
    • Always treat people the way you want to be treated.
    • Stand up for your beliefs. If you don’t value them, no one else will respect them.

    As a child I never really understood how important those lessons would be as an adult. Then I became an adult and married. It is no mistake that my son’s father has many of these same traits. It makes my heart happy to see my son also look at his father in the same awestruck manner that I imagine my mother witnessed with me. I watch my son imitating his father and take comfort in knowing that he will grow into the man that his father is showing him how to be.

    I think back to the many tears my daddy wiped away. I think back to the first dance I ever had with my dad which happened to be at my wedding. I think back to the struggles that my dad went through raising his family, that I never knew about until I was an adult because he and my mother sheltered me from them.

    And I am thankful. My heart is full. I am blessed.  I wish all the men who have children in their lives a Happy Father’s Day. I remind you of the influence you have over these children.

    Be the person you want them to be.

    Happy Father's Day!
    Happy Father’s Day!

  • Viewing child pornography: A victimless crime?

    By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

    One of my recent blog posts focused on the idea that viewing child pornography is not a victimless crime. I decided to add a part two because further explanation seemed to be needed.

    I think we can all agree that taking pictures of children for sexual pleasure is against the law, even if you do not agree that viewing them is morally wrong. I think we can also all agree that using children for any part of your sexual gratification is against the law.

    These are not victimless crimes.

    There is a child who can tell the story of how these events impacted their lives. Children are unable to consent to sexual pictures being taken of them. They cannot consent to these images being shared, sold or swapped with other people who view similar pictures.

    Any time an adult uses a child for sexual gratification it is abusive. Child exploitation is not a victimless crime.

    I recently saw an article that depicted these children as the forgotten victims. Why are they forgotten? And why do people have such a hard time seeing they are victimized by those who view the pictures?

    One theory is that technology makes it easy for us to forget that these are real children. A person can feel far removed from reality when surfing the internet.

    Do not be fooled into thinking these pictures do not demoralize and harm the children in them.

    Child sexual abuse usually involves someone manipulating, coercing, or tricking a child into being confused about appropriate boundaries and what types of touch are appropriate; about what is “right” and what is “wrong”.  And in my opinion, when someone says that viewing pornographic pictures does not harm a child, it is one more manipulation to give them permission to continue on in their abuse of children.

    Would you feel violated if someone took a picture of you, without clothes on, doing something you had no control over and then shared that picture with thousands of people who you may or may not know? Would you constantly worry about whether people you come in contact with on a daily basis had seen that picture?

    Would you worry about whether your grandmother would see that picture?

    Would you wonder if the person interviewing you for a great job had seen that picture?

    Would you wonder how you would tell the person you fell in love with that these pictures are forever floating around the internet?

    Would the thought of these pictures being out there cripple your functioning in your day to day life?

    Would you be able to sleep?

    These sound like signs of trauma to me. Is it really a victimless crime?

     

     

  • When did I become my mother? (Happy Mother’s Day!)

    Tammi and son3

    I have mostly been staring at a blank computer screen the last few days trying to feel inspired to write a blog for Mother’s Day. It is a daunting task. I have so many feelings that I cannot adequately express in a blog of 300 words or less.

    I started with a “Things I learned from My Mother” line of thought, but geez, that would take way more than 300 words. I mean, there were things like how to cook cornbread so it doesn’t stick to the iron skillet, how to wash your hair and roll it on those huge pink sponge rollers so that you have big curls for church the next day, how to make the perfect banana pudding, and how to have fun with your kids.

    I also learned how to lose your keys, how to hide things so well that you cannot find them when you need them, and how to forget to purchase the one thing you actually went to the grocery store for.

    Then, of course, there are the skills I wished I had learned, like how to iron perfect creases in a shirt, or how to sew (or really even just how to hem a pair of pants), or how to play the piano.

    We become the perfect mix of both the loved and not-so-loved traits of our parents.

    I sometimes hear things come out of my mouth and wonder, “When did I become my mother?” I particularly find this happening when my five year old is asking me something I don’t have time to explain to him.

    But I also find this happening at bedtime when I tell my son I love him beyond infinity or I try to teach him how to take care of someone else’s feelings. I also find this happening when we talk about how to be a friend or when we talk about giving our toys or clothes away to a place that will make sure they go to children who don’t have toys or clothes.

    I understand now that our children really become a mirror of ourselves. Maybe not always in the way we look — but in the way we act.

    One of my favorite parenting quotes is: “Children are great imitators, so give them something great to imitate.” I think my mom lives her life through this lens. I am trying to live my life through this lens too.

    The greatest gift my mom gave me is love and unconditional acceptance. I want to pass that on to all the children in my life — both personal and professional.

    I also hope that all the women in my life who are mothers have a wonderful day of pampering and feeling truly appreciated for all that they contribute to the lives of their children.

    Happy Mother’s Day!

  • The shocking facts about child pornography

    The shocking facts about child pornography

    By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center

    When most people think about child sexual abuse, they think of those children in which an adult has touched a child in an inappropriate way. But there are also non-touching forms of sexual abuse.

    In the age of fast moving technology, there are new victims who can be vulnerable to re-victimization over and over for the rest of their lives.

    These are the children exploited by their perpetrator taking pornographic pictures of them and circulating them through the internet. There is no way to know exactly how many offenders these victims have. Many times these children are not aware that pictures of their abuse are being taken. There are thousands of pictures of unidentified children.

    And technically every time someone views a pornographic picture of a child, it is abusive.

    How much of a problem is it really? Here it is by the numbers:

    12%

    25%

    28,000

    75 Million

    43%

    75%

    81%

    266

    3,000

    1 in 7

    11

    7 in 10

    1,536

    58%

    48%

    34% compared to 15% of teenage boys

    $89

    $13 Billion

    $97 Billion

    (Sources: WashingtonTimes, CNBC, Good, ThePinkCross.org, MSNBC, Enough.org, NationalCoal)

    How much of a problem do YOU think it really is?

    Are your children on the internet? Have they ever been solicited sexually while online?

    Have you asked them?

    Share This Story

  • Going on a Treasure Hunt (Part 2)

    CAC mural March 2014What would you do if you found yourself on a sailboat in the middle of a stretch of ocean, and your task was to search for treasure?

    Along the way, you had to:

    • find a few new friends
    • locate some markers of your trip so you could share them with others who might want to follow you
    • weather a storm or two
    • discover something magical; and
    • leave a mark on the spot of your treasure so others could find it too.

    Oh yeah – and then you need to create a piece of art that shows your journey.

    The mural created by some of the girls in our mentoring programs, led by artist Manda Severin, represents something very similar to this make-believe journey. They didn’t go on an actual boat, but the mural makes me think about the journeys we take at each phase of our lives and all the symbolism that can be found in a painting of an ocean.

    CAC mural March 2014blog3

    Think about it: an ocean is a deep and mysterious place under the surface, but when you look at it from above, it is just a beautiful expanse of blue water and sparkly splashes and rolling waves. Looking at it from that viewpoint, it seems like an ocean is just water – miles and miles of water.

    CAC mural March 2014blogBut we know that under the surface you can find all sorts of life. You might find turtles or fish or living coral. If you are lucky, maybe you’ll meet a mermaid or merman. If you travel close to shore you might see a lighthouse and cliffs and rocky shoreline. If you dive very deep, you might find larger sea creatures, both gentle and fierce, moving through the deep, dark depths.

    It’s kind of like stretches of our lives. If we just look at what things appear to be on the surface, it can seem like lots of sameness – like the stretches of blue water of the ocean. If we look below, though, we find all sorts of things going on. On my particular journeys at various times of my life, I have met lots of interesting friends and companions (like the turtles and mermaids and jelly fish in the mural), weathered a few horrible storms, and been very grateful for the markers along the way that helped me avoid wrecks and disasters (like the lighthouse and the compass).

    CAC mural March 2014blog2In the mural, the X marks the spot of the treasure, but the box is unopened. I like this image, because even though we might all venture through journeys similar to the one in this painting, we each need and hopefully find different “treasures”.

    The journey of healing from anything painful has all of these elements: uncertain pathways, companions and friends, stormy periods, and resting spots when we need them. What I love about this mural is that it leaves a path of this journey so that others can follow and hopefully have an easier time of it. The fact that this was created by girls healing from abuse makes that part of the painting even more touching to me. I like the idea that they have created something that is both playful and significant, meaningful to their own journeys and to the journeys we all take, whether we have experienced abuse or not. We all journey through challenges and times of joy in our lives and this mural speaks to all of us in that way.

    Have you decided yet what your journey might look like? Who your companions might be? What treasure you might find at the end?

    CAC mural March 2014blog4One last thing. At the top of the mural the purple sky is lit up with glowing stars in the shape of expanding circles and they seem to cast a blessing over the whole thing. I’d like to think those stars represent all those who watch over us and help us, over the girls who painted the mural, over all kids and teens healing from abuse. When I look up at the stars tonight, that thought will bring peace to my thoughts.

    Thank you, artists of this mural, for sharing a little bit of your journeys with us and for leaving something beautiful behind at our center. May the stars watch over your journeys, tonight and every night, and may you always have companions to help you along your way.

    This mural was painted by artist Manda Severin, with participation by five girls who are in treatment at the Children’s Advocacy Center (CAC). The girls helped choose the theme and picked the design, as well as being full participants in the painting process. 

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Manda Severin
    Manda Severin

    The artist: Manda Severin is a true renaissance woman. She has a Master’s degree in Psychology and she has been an instructor at SOU for many years. She is also a very talented artist and musician. She is available to paint murals for individuals or businesses and she can be reached at juniperbryn@gmail.com

  • 7 things I learned while dreaming of Hollywood

    Gala8FB
    CAC Executive Director, Tammi Pitzen, “on stage” at the 2014 Winter Fundraising Gala

    By Tammi Pitzen

    As a young child I always dreamed that I would do something great with my life. Not the “you do good work kind of thing”, but the grandiose Hollywood kind of thing. I was never sure what that would be — but was certain that it would happen.

    When I hit my forties, I began to re-evaluate whether I was going to do any great thing. I began playing back in my mind the events that impacted me the most and really looking to see if I could recreate those moments and turn them into the big grandiose thing.

    Here is what I learned:

    1)   First and foremost, grandiose things are over rated. They tend to come big, but fade quickly. I decided that I wanted my “big thing” to come in small unnoticed steps that linger for a life time.

    2)  We really can accomplish so much more when we work together, than when we try to go it alone. This is true in every situation that I can think of. In fact, I can not think of one exception.

    3)  Every single day you should dance like there is no one watching. Seriously. I learned this from watching my five year old son. He is happiest when he is dancing. And soon I find myself wanting to dance with him and then, no matter what mood I started with, I always end up happy. When I look around, everyone within eyesight is also happy and laughing.

    4)  You should not worry about a legacy.  Worry about what you are doing right now. What you do now is what matters. What are you doing now that matters?

    5)  Terrible awful things happen to the best people. It really isn’t about what is fair or what is right. It is about what you do next. Do you choose to stay exactly where the terrible awful thing left you or do you choose to rise above and beyond?

    6)  It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. It is a sign that you are human. It really goes back to what we can accomplish together versus what we can do alone.

    7)  Never underestimate the small act of kindness and the impact that it can have on a person.

    So many people will read this and think that I have let go of my childhood dream of doing something grandiose. I may never make it to Hollywood. However, I am doing “BIG” things.

    I work quietly and sometimes loudly on behalf of small, vulnerable people.

    What kind of world would we live in if every person’s “Big” thing was taking care of children?

    Many people will read this and I think, “I can’t do that. I can’t see what you see.”  The truth of the matter is that everyone is seeing it. The trick is to recognize what you are seeing. Reference the above list and look at point number two. And I ask again, “What kind of world would we live in, if every person’s “big” thing was to act on behalf of child abuse victims.”

    What if we all worked to give a “BIG” voice to those who are unheard?

     

     

  • A Call To Action

    This is a guest post by Robin Miller, MD MHS.

    Just over a week ago we lost a family friend to a heroin overdose. A drug that was rarely found in the mainstream when I was growing up is now extremely common in high schools, Middle American neighborhoods and even Wall Street. We have a major epidemic going on and it is out of control. This one will eventually touch each and every one of us if we do not get a handle on it.

    The use of heroin is being fueled by the exploding abuse of prescription pain medications such as Vicodan, Percocet and Oxycontin. The medical establishment has gotten wise to this and has made it more difficult to get these medications by prescription. People who have become hooked on them are now finding they are expensive to buy on the street. They turn to heroin, which is a much cheaper alternative. Unfortunately, heroin is laced with many other things. Most recently a very powerful drug called Fentanyl has been added resulting in multiple deaths from accidental overdoses.

    We are losing our youth to this horrible epidemic. It is frightening and incredibly tragic. What can we do to turn this around?

    Awareness is the first step. We need to recognize that this is a problem for all of us. Then we need to look at the bigger picture. Why are our children turning to drugs in the first place? There are many theories out there. The one that seems most plausible to me is that our society has become very complicated. Perfection is being paraded across our media screens. We have instant critiques on social media and for many of us our lives seem to be moving fast and out of control. This causes people to numb out and turn to things such as food, medication, and alcohol and of course, drugs.

    As a parent, what can you do?

    • I see parents out with their children more often than not, totally focused on their cell phones. It is disheartening. Get your children outside. Step away from your phones. Step away from your computers and be there to have fun and speak with your children, and when they talk to you, listen.

    • Eat healthy. It is essential for mental health that we eat a healthy diet. Fruits, vegetables, lean protein and avoidance of processed foods are a must. Children follow by example. It is important that we model good behavior for our kids. When they see you stress eating, they will stress eat. When they see you eating healthy, they will eat healthy.

    • Exercise. It boosts endorphins (those feel good chemicals) and teaches children healthy habits. It also is an important tool for handling stress.

    • Most importantly, love your children and help them to understand that perfection is an illusion. It does not exist. They do not need to be the star on the soccer team or a Harvard graduate to deserve your approval. They need to know that they are worthy of being loved regardless of what they achieve. The key is that they realize they are enough.

    We all fall and we all fail. Be there to listen and nurture and console, but let them fail. This is how we learn.

    There is no guarantee in life. And, drug abuse can occur in any family. Believe me, I know. However, if we are able to have children who learn how to cope with anxiety and fear in healthy ways and who feel loved and secure, I think that we will see many of the problems start to diminish. It is time as individuals that we take control and these simple steps can be very powerful.

    Start today. All of our children and the health of our society depend on it.

    Dr. Miller is board-certified in Internal Medicine, is a member of the American College of Physicians, Oregon Medical Association and Jackson County Medical Association and is widely published. Her most recent book is “The Smart Woman’s Guide to Midlife and Beyond: A No-Nonsense Approach to Staying Healthy After 50”. Dr. Miller is currently featured on Podcasts at STR8 UP, Health Talk for Teens. You can also see her Monday and Tuesday nights at 6 PM on Newschannel 5 KOBI-NBC where she is the medical expert for “Doctors on Call” and “Focus on Health.”Also check out her columns in the Grants Pass Daily Courier and Lifescript.com. Her blogs can be found at smartwomanshealth.com.

  • Going on a Treasure Hunt (Part 1)

    In January and February, an artist named Manda Severin helped some of the girls who come to our center paint a beautiful mural.  This, like all creative processes, began with a few simple things:  paint, a canvas, brushes, ideas and thoughts, and a few questions.

    What type of adventure would you like to take?  What kind of journey are you on?  What journey are we all on?

    What flowed from these general ideas was a painting with literal images of flowing water, of ocean waves and birds.  I got a glimpse of the mural before it was finished.  The top half of the mural is bright with colors from the sea shore – blues and greens and a brilliant red-orange-yellow sailboat floating in the middle.  The puffy clouds and bright stars in the sky mirror the white foam bubbling at the shore.

    Met2I am captivated by the images and want to get on that sailboat and see where it would take me.

    But my eye is drawn to the image on the bottom half of the mural.  This section is an earthy brown, a grounding color that compliments the bright movement of the ocean above it.  A bright red dotted path starts at an island and travels down, in a curving pattern, around outlines of a turtle and mermaids, ending someplace in the middle of the space.

    Metamorphosis1I wonder what is there?

    The mural is not quite finished, so I will have to wait to see what treasure is found there, but it has me thinking.  Will the path end here?  Will the treasure be something expected, or something surprising?  Will we get to see the treasure, or will we be left guessing about what type of treasure can be found in this magical place?  Will each viewer of the mural get to decide on their own “treasure”, or will we all enjoy the same treasure?

    I love this piece because it is so similar to life, with all of its twists and turns and surprises, the moments when we get to frolic with the sea turtles and the days when we feel lost on a path that doesn’t seem to have an end.  The mural is both playful and a bit mysterious, and it invites me to look at my life with a bit more playfulness and lightheartedness.

    The journey we are all on can be pretty hard sometimes, and the journey of healing from painful things can feel unbearable at times.  But if we keep going – “just keep swimming” as Dori says in a famous sea-based movie – we can know that there is always treasure to be found and unknown adventures just around the corner.  Just like life, this mural in its unfinished state invites me to keep going … to follow the dots and explore just a bit more.

    met3I look forward to seeing it in its finished state.  Stay tuned.

  • A place to be heard ~ how mentoring helps kids

    This is a guest post by Ellen Craine, Executive Director of the Rose Circle Mentoring Network.

    The Rose Circle Mentoring Network is excited to offer a weekly mentor circle to 4th, 5th and 6th grade girls at the Children’s Advocacy Center.  The Rose Circle has been providing circle mentoring to Rogue Valley youth since 2006.  A few years ago, a veteran of our first girls’ circle was interviewed about her circle experience.

    “I think one of the most valuable things I learned in circle was a feeling of importance within myself and a feeling that I deserve to be heard and I deserve a space that’s for me.  That was important to me because there are so many times when people tell you you’re not good enough or just kind of push you aside.” Elizabeth

    Reflections like this remind us of the value of the circle!

    What is a Circle?

    The circle provides a safe, respectful and confidential place in which kids can learn to listen to one another and express themselves.  Each circle is typically comprised of 5-8 youth and two adult mentors.  When kids ask us what circle is, here’s how we answer the question:

    A circle is a safe place to talk about things that you are thinking about in your own life. A circle is a place to have fun while learning to explore and understand yourself and others. A circle is a place for you to listen to others speak about things going on in their lives. You will learn about confidentiality and how this contributes to making the circle a safe place for this kind of sharing. The circle is a place where the skills of listening, witnessing, sharing and supporting each other are modeled and taught.

    Who are the Mentors?

    A mentor is a member of the community who wants to make a positive difference in the lives of young people.  Our two mentors at the Children’s Advocacy Center, Suzanne and Megan, have a wealth of professional experience working with youth, as well as experience raising their own kids at home.  Rose Circle mentors are required to take a 2-day training in which they learn and practice the skills of compassionate, nonjudgmental listening.  All mentors undergo rigorous background screening.

    Benefits of Circle Mentoring

    Young people who participate in circle mentoring develop trusting relationships with their adult mentors, while also improving their ability to relate to their peers.

    Circle mentoring may be particularly helpful to youth who are having difficulties with peer relationships. Circle participation gives kids a safe context in which to develop their social skills in relating to peers.  Kids are often comforted to learn that they aren’t alone in the challenges, fears and frustrations they face.

    What Takes Place in Circle?

    The answer to this question varies on the age of the participants.  Each circle starts out with an opening, a structured way of beginning that marks the circle as a special time set apart from the rest of their lives.  This usually includes a “check-in”.  For the younger girls (ages 9—12) this may be as simple as asking each girl to say one word that describes how she’s feeling in the moment.  Another type of check in we like is “a rose and a thorn”—one happy thing and one not so happy thing that’s going on for you.  After check-in, the circle will participate in a group activity centered on a theme, such as “friendship” or “self-esteem.”  This may include games, crafts or writing activities.  At the end of the hour, the circle is closed with a “check-out”.

    As youth get to know one another, they tend to want to spend more time talking.  Circle conversations take place in a structured way, where one person speaks and others learn to listen respectfully.  All circle activities take place according to group agreements that the youth help draft during their first circle.  Some typical agreements might include respectful language, one person speaks at a time, and everyone has the right to “pass”.  Confidentiality—and exceptions to confidentiality—is an essential guideline for all circles.

    The first Rose Circle will be held at the Children’s Advocacy Center on Tuesday, March 5.  We look forward to collaborating with the Children’s Advocacy Center  in this way.

    Rose Circle Logo

  • How Big is Your Brave?

    “I wonder what would happen if you say what you want to say and let the words fall out honestly. I wanna see you be brave.”

     Sara Bareilles

    This is from my new favorite song, by my one of my very favorite musical artists. “Brave” is a song about speaking up against those who push us down, standing up for what we believe is right, and being, well, brave – in the face of challenge.

    My son sings this song and plays it for me often lately.  I introduced him to it, but it has become something of a theme song for him, and I find myself thinking about what it might mean for him to internalize this message at the age of 9.  This is much earlier in his life than I learned it in mine, and I am happy seeing the words resonate with him so deeply.

    What we deal with at the Children’s Advocacy Center each day is something that takes huge amounts of bravery, for everyone involved.  The kids who are brave enough to share the unspeakable things that happen to them inspire and challenge us all to act in their defense.  The non-offending family members who hear them and believe them show bravery in the face of many challenges they will have to face as “secrets” become visible to a larger audience.

    Our staff members, the law enforcement officers, the Child Welfare workers and all others who come into contact with them show bravery every day as they help these children and teens find their voices so they can talk about what happened to them and begin to heal.  Sometimes this means being part of confronting people who hurt children.  Sometimes the ones who hurt children and are the ones who are supposed to take care of them and protect them.

    Bravery is needed by everyone.

    “Show me how big your brave is.”

    How big is your brave?  I have been asking myself this question lately.

    This blog is about creativity, transformation, and healing.  Right now I am thinking about the fact that all acts of creativity and healing require a certain level of bravery.  They require us to move beyond what is already in place and create something new.  To say something that must be said.  To risk putting things out in the world even if we have no idea how they will be received.

    “I wonder what would happen if you say what you want to say and let the words fall out honestly. I wanna see you be brave.”

    What do you need to be brave about?  And how big is your brave?  I am going to keep thinking about that for a long time.  I want my son to see me live my life

    with a very

    big

    brave.