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New Oregon laws and justice for victims

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center

This week I was asked about some new laws that passed in Oregon and what they mean for victims. One extends the statute of limitations for sexual abuse. One increases penalties for people who video record or take pictures of victims during private moments and one makes it a crime to post “revenge porn”.

For years our laws have provided more protection and more rights to offenders.

This has allowed offenders to find refuge…a safe haven if you will. They did not have to go into hiding. They find it right under our noses. By the time the victim could find healing and could understand that the assault was not their fault; it was too late to find justice or to hold the offender accountable because the statute of limitation had run out. It could no longer be prosecuted.

These laws are steps in the right direction. These laws help to find some balance of the justice scales for victims, but there is still much work to be done.

Until our societal views on sexual abuse change, our laws will continue to put limits on what justice the victims can find.

Many of you are probably questioning what I am talking about. Society is against sexual violence. Well, not really. We want to be, because that is the right belief to have. However, we still victim blame. We still unfortunately believe offenders are innocent even in the face of some strong evidence in some cases. We still really think the victims are making it up, that they are lying.

Again I am sure you are asking yourself, what does she mean?

Let’s for moment examine some recent cases that have been in the news. Yes. I am going to bring THAT one up. Bill Cosby. See.

You are thinking that case is different. Immediately you begin to say the victims are lying to get money. Immediately you begin to say, if it were true, they would have reported before. There would be prosecution.

That last one gets tricky because he has been charged now and there will be a prosecution unless he pleads guilty or it gets dismissed because of too much pressure from society on the victim.

What about the two Duggar girls? What about the young girl who was sexually assaulted by the Notre Dame Football player? She committed suicide, after she made a report. Are we sure she was lying?

A sexual assault is an event. Sometimes more than one event.

BUT healing and recovery is a process.

It is difficult to find strength to report to authorities if you know no one will believe you. It is difficult to stay the course when at every turn someone is questioning whether or not you are telling the truth.

So you stay silent. Maybe you get into therapy and begin to realize you have inner strength. And maybe you continue your therapy and realize you were not to blame. You find the strength to make a report. To you, it has only been a few minutes. In reality it has been years. Sometimes a life time. Does that mean that your offender should not be held accountable?

Let’s look at the Revenge Porn law.

Basically it says that it is now illegal to disseminate an intimate image. This is looking at how common it has become to send intimate pictures to someone you are in a relationship. This law says that you cannot disclose an intimate picture to a website with a specific intent to harass or humiliate another person. Some of you are saying that the picture should not have been taken and sent in the first place. You should be asking why it has taken so long to make this a law.

See…societal views determine what happens and who is protected.

The third law makes it a felony to photograph or record someone in a state of nudity without consent and in a place where the victim expected privacy. Prior to the passage of this law it was a misdemeanor. You may remember a case in Oregon about a man who “up-skirted” a young girl and it was only a misdemeanor.

Many people will say, “How does it impact the victim if she/he does not know the pictures/video is being taken?”

Think about it this way. What if your daughter, granddaughter, niece, son, grandson, googles their name and up comes pictures taken in the gym locker room changing clothes? What if you found out those pictures had been sold to someone who sexually abuses children? What if you found out those pictures were posted on a porn site? What if you found out that someone was using your child’s image to satisfy some weird perversion?

Seems pretty devastating to me.

I am hoping for a shift in the way we, as society think about sexual crimes.

I am hoping that not only in Oregon but across the Nation we begin to balance the protection of the victim with the protection of the offender’s constitutional rights.

The next time you hear about a sexual assault, I hope that your first thought is not that the victim is lying. I hope your first thought is not that the victim is trying to ruin the offender’s life.

I hope in my life time we balance the scales of justice for victims.
Art and the Mother’s Touch

By Michelle Wilson, Development Director for The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

In honor of what would be my mom’s birthday this month, I am sharing a post I wrote three years ago on healing and the mother’s touch. This could have been written now, with the references to the stories shared at this center and the healing that occurs here. We now offer art workshops through our Building Bridges project and our therapists continue to offer a variety of types of creative therapies for hundreds of kids and teens each year.

I am looking at a picture of my mom a few years ago on a trip to visit my sister in Colorado. Beautiful flowers surround her and she has a relaxed smile on her face.

I am smiling back at her this morning.

My mother and the whole state of motherhood have been on my mind a lot this week. I read a story the other day about a premature newborn who was pronounced dead, then was put on his mother’s chest and started breathing. He is now 2 years old and thriving.

A mother’s touch is pretty powerful stuff.

My mom passed away a few months ago. I was blessed to be able to spend the last several weeks of her life with her, along with other siblings. During that time we talked a lot, when she wasn’t too tired, about the years we had all spent together and the years when life had us in different places around the country. I have lived far away since I graduated from college and always hoped I wouldn’t regret living so far from my mom once she passed away.

I have found, though, that I feel as if she and I were just as close as she was to my siblings living near her. We talked on the phone a few times a week and saw each other at least once a year. Our relationship was quiet, subtle, almost invisible because it was largely through phone contact. But it was powerful, like the touch of that mama whose love helped her newborn breathe for the first time.

It’s kind of like art, I realize, and the process of creating it. The product may be powerful, with its own energy surrounding it, even if the process of creating it was invisible to the viewer.

I think of Mom all the time now, dream about her. Her touch is still with me, subtle and powerful, reminding me to breathe every day and take in all that is around me. She invites me every day to choose life above everything and to enjoy every minute, every gift. At night when I put my son to sleep, we say goodnight to her and to the angels. I hug him very closely, wanting my touch to stay with him even when I’m not with him.

This week was a difficult one at the Children’s Advocacy Center. We heard too many stories of kids who have been hurt, most by family or extended family members. We talk to each other about how it affects us, all of these stories. And we talk about what we do to handle the stress and sadness of our work.

The thing that works, it seems, is staying connected – to life, to what we love, to the gentle touches of the people around us. I think of Mom to help me through. I decide every morning to choose life and gratitude, no matter what is happening. Her touch sustains me still.

So many of the kids and teens who come to us don’t have this kind of memory of gentle, loving touch. Most have memories of touch that harmed them. In the mentoring program and in therapy and in all of our interactions with them we try to give them something of what they missed. Something of the mother’s touch.

Through the art program we offer them a way to choose life in the face of sadness and despair. They create works that reflect their lives and their hopes. Through the touch of the brush to the canvas, they can experience something they may never have had. Through the kind words and support of their mentors and those who see their works, we hope they can begin to have memories that will sustain them, much like the memory of my mother’s voice sustains me.

I choose to believe that we can do this, help them create an internal voice and memory that will help them remember to breathe when life gets difficult.

I believe the mother’s touch is always there, something we can pass on to each other when needed, an invisible life force with a tangible energy all its own.

We can do it through kind words, art, anything that helps to create the energy that can sustain us, no matter what we face.
Foster Children: The stars in the tornadoes

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

When I was a caseworker I was often asked why I did what I did. How could I stand to see the pain and sorrow of small children on a daily basis? How could I see the struggling parents trying to do the best they could, even when the best they had to offer was not safe enough?

When others saw tornadoes, I saw stars. I was not alone. I was not special. There were many who came before me and many who came after me. This blog is not about me but about the global need for tolerance and understanding in a world of tornadoes.

I never could articulate an answer that seemed to satisfy the question. I can only tell you, if you listen close enough, the answer is in the tornado.

There is much pain in the life of a foster child. There is pain caused by the abuse. There is pain caused by the fact that the abuse is at the hands of someone who they love and by someone who is supposed to love them. And, if we are all honest, there is pain caused by the system that is trying to keep them safe.

Today as we begin to move our focus towards the celebration of independence and freedom, I want to challenge you to not forget those who are not free. Those who might not be fighting on the battlefields, but certainly fighting to stay alive…fighting to find peace…fighting to find safety.

I ask that you find it in your heart to find tolerance. To find compassion. Many of you are saying, “Of course!” “Of course I will give peace to an abused child.” “Of course I will not add to the pain of an abused child by denying compassion, empathy and acceptance.”

Remember that these children are sometimes in the whirl of the tornado. You will not see the child begging for help (at least not every time).

They may be the child who is throwing a tantrum. They may be the aggressive child. He may be the child constantly standing outside the principal’s office because he just can’t keep it together. It will not always be the child saying thank you, but might be the child telling you to go jump in the lake — using much more creative language than I choose to use here.

We cannot begin to understand the life of a foster child unless that is a life we have lived ourselves.

I am sharing a video. It is part two. I shared part one when it came out. Take the time to hear her story. It could help you to really make a difference in the life of a child. If you are a professional in the field, watch it all.

Remind yourself of the breathtaking job you have undertaken. Look for the stars.

Video Link

Click Here For Video
Summer Vacations, Kids, and Creativity

By Michelle Wilson

When school gets out for summer, families often find themselves needing to plan for children being home for a few months. When I was growing up, I spent most summers at home with my mom doing her usual activities and with my siblings, one younger and four older. We only had a few scheduled activities: a week of camp here or there and a family vacation or two. Beyond that, we were left to our own creativity for weeks on end.

And, of course, there were no computers in varying sizes and shapes to offer us inspiration or activities.

As daunting as this may seem to some of the current generation of kids growing up with screens in every corner of their lives, our family tried an experiment last summer to try to recapture that experience. We went completely technology free from the day school got out until the week before Labor Day. No screens of any kind were allowed except for occasional movies on the television screen and adults being able to check their phones for basic communication.

It was magical. What we all discovered was the wonderful reality that creativity is alive and well in everyone’s brain and spirit. We learned that everything could become a creative activity if taken with the right approach. Buying fresh food from the growers’ market and cooking together in the kitchen became a great family activity. Preparing a menu based on what was available fresh that day became a creative act. And discussions moved from more surface topics to deeper life issues as the sounds of the digital world were quieted and we had more time to spend listening to ourselves think and reflect.

Many studies have been conducted that show what we intuitively remember when we take a little time to be quiet: creativity heals the soul, helps us repair problems in our lives, mends challenges in relationships, keeps us healthier, and makes life a whole lot more fun if we let it.

And one of the very best things about creativity is that it is free. It comes without a battery or a chord to charge it. We do need to re-charge, but that happens most easily when we do things that bring us back to our true nature – being in nature, for one, or doing anything restful, relaxing, and playful.

This summer my family has not decided to go completely tech free, but we are limiting screen time of any sort to a very short amount of time. Technology, when used well, can help increase our creative ideas, help us learn new things, and help us connect with others in some pretty amazing ways.

But most of this summer for our family will be spent in ways that help our creativity blossom. We will do lots of walks, as much swimming as we can, create art projects, write a bit, read lots of books, play outside, build forts in the den, listen to music, fool around on musical instruments, cook and garden, play with our pets, and generally relax.

We will try to laugh as often as we can to keep those good, creative juices going and to keep happiness flowing through our bodies and house.

And we will remember to be grateful for all of the time we get to have together, for the time we each have separately to do the things we enjoy, and for the simple fact that creativity lives inside each of us. We just have to give it room to grow.

What are your plans for the summer?

What is your creative spirit up to these days?
Forgiveness on the child victim’s terms — not the offender’s
By Tammi Pitzen, Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I have been sitting back and reading about the Duggar family and the recent publicity around the oldest son and his sexually abusing (Yes, that is what it is — not a sexual indiscretion, not just a “teenager’s mistake” and certainly not something to be forgotten) and trying to form some kind of opinion about what has happened.

I still have questions. Did Josh Duggar actually go to counseling or did the family just handle it?

Most families, even those who have professional expertise, cannot just handle sexual abuse. It is too easy to blur lines and allegiances. In order for recovery to be successful, the children abused need unwavering support and belief. The offender needs 100% accountability at all times. If you are a parent and both are your children, it is nearly impossible to be able to give both what they need.

It is not a judgment. It is just an observation. It is hard. You love both. You gave birth to both. It is not fair to either to try to “handle it” in the family.

And by counseling, I mean by a licensed therapist with special expertise in sexual offender treatment. Not manual labor. Not a stern talking to by a police official. Not a camp.

The counseling may have been received. I cannot find where anything that I know to normally happen in these cases, when they are handled appropriately, has happened in the case of Josh Duggar.

When teenaged offenders get appropriate treatment, much of the research shows that they do not generally re-offend sexually. (Disclaimer: The research with which I am most familiar was unpublished and was regarding a local program of which I served on the Board.) However, there is risk to re-offend sexually if appropriate treatment is not received. Many of the adult offenders who have crossed my path in my career started out with an issue as a minor that was not addressed.

Do I think that transgressions made when you are a teen should be left behind and that teens deserve a second chance?

Yes. Maybe. Maybe not.

Did they have one victim? Did they have multiple victims? Did they successfully complete sex offender treatment? Did they take responsibility or did they blame the victim or someone else? What were the circumstances for the sexual abuse? Were there aggravating circumstances? Did they have a sex offender assessment and what did that recommend?

This forgiveness that seems to be a thread running throughout all the social media coverage — how did that come about?

One of the most devastating things that can happen is for the abuse to be uncovered and then sit a victim and an offender in a room with a minister or other authority figure and have a discussion about forgiveness.

I am not saying forgiveness is not possible but it MUST be on the victim’s terms not on the offenders. It must be on the victim’s timeline. Not the offenders.

Forgiveness is not a requirement for victim recovery. It is for an offender. But is it the victim’s responsibility to make things right for the offender just because they say they are sorry? My own personal belief is no. I think most people reading this would say no.

Then my next question is, how is it that we are still allowing offenders to ask for forgiveness instead of letting the victim give forgiveness when they are ready? It is a power issue. It is a control issue.

In our world, something that plays over and over again is that offenders of sexual assault are the ones who get sympathy, support and understanding. While the victims get judgment and blame. You can say that it is not true. But I see it every day. In real live cases. With real live child victims.

To be clear, I have never watched the Duggar’s T.V. show. I also am not weighing in on what should or should not have been disclosed when working with the networks prior to the show’s airing. A background check generally does not tell about offenses of any kind committed as a minor.

If I am honest, I am pleased by the reaction of the sponsors who have taken a stand and will not support sexual offenders by paying to advertise their products during the airing of the show.

Do I think Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are terrible parents? I don’t know. Again I don’t know them or haven’t watched their show to make a judgment on that.
- I find it disturbing that they cannot recall the name of the therapy program they sent their child to for counseling regarding his sexual offenses.
- I find it disturbing that the dad says treatment and mom says they actually sent him to a friend to work in construction.
- I find it disturbing that the trooper they turned to for help is in prison for crimes related to child pornography.
- I find it disturbing that every comment I have read has been made in support of the offender and little about what has been done for the victims—some of which are their daughters.
I have read some reports that state Josh Duggar actually sued the Department of Human Services in Arkansas. Most likely to change the outcome of their investigation. The records are sealed due to confidentiality. But that tells me, if it is true, that he has not likely truly been successful in treatment. Part of successful treatment is taking responsibility for what you have done. Not minimizing it. Not changing outcomes.

I see a missed opportunity. What if instead of just cancelling the show and stopping all reruns of “19 and Counting”, The Learning Channel did a series of documentaries on the impact of child sexual abuse?

What if they used this as an opportunity to help victims find their voice? What if they used this as an opportunity to help parents have hard conversations with their children about sexual abuse? What if they used this opportunity to education parents about how to reduce the risk of child sexual abuse happening to their children?

LET ME SAY THIS LOUD AND CLEAR. I AM IN SUPPORT OF THE VICTIMS.

I don’t care about any other part of this story.

I hear this story and in my mind’s eye, I see a 14 year old boy in a room, with a small little girl, demanding forgiveness. I see standing behind this 14 year old boy, a mom, a dad, a state trooper, a church elder. I see a little girl being raised in a culture of total female submission to the males in their lives.

What would you do? I would do whatever they asked me.
Celebrating Kids, Culture and Art

By Michelle Wilson, Development Director, The Children’s Advocacy Center

This spring we invited all of the children and teens in Jackson County to help us decorate our walls. We held an art contest and invited submissions of art that fit the theme “Celebrating Cultures of Our World.”

We received 102 beautiful pieces of art. Each one was created by a child or teen who saw the poster for our contest and decided to enter – each one created by a young person who wanted to create art and share it with others.

And what wonderful art they created!

We asked a few local “celebrity judges” to help us choose the top 16 pieces to display at our center. Thank you to Jim Collier (art patron and supporter of many art-based agencies in town), Brad Russell (Executive Director of the Rogue Valley YMCA), Kathy Mustard (owner of Mustard Press and member of our Advisory Council), Eric Strahl (Events Manager for the Craterian Theater), and Jamie Hutchinson (Family Meeting Facilitator for DHS).

These judges helped us pick the top 16 pieces which are now framed, matted, and ready to be displayed at the center. Another 32 pieces received an Honorable Mention because it was so hard to choose. And we have decided to display all of the work because it is all so filled with positive, joyful energy. We are going to fill this center with color and designs that celebrate not only the cultures of our world but also the bright energy of children and teens all around us.

Thank you to the Jackson County Cultural Coalition and an anonymous donor for making this all happen. Thank you to the Craterian Theater at the Collier Center for Performing Arts for hosting the show. And thank you to all of the kids, teachers, and parents who responded to our invitation and made sure we received so many beautiful pieces of art. Our staff members are already saying how grateful they are that we will have this art collection to bring light and healing to our center and work.

Art truly does heal. Creating it and sharing it with others really is a wonderful way to bring light to dark places and share our gifts with others. To everyone who made this happen ~ thank you.

Michelle Wilson
A chance for healing for boys who are victims of sexual abuse
Sacred Ground Kapalua, Maui. This lone tree stands watch over the spirits buried there

By Randy Ellison, Speaker, writer and author of the book Boys Don’t Tell: Ending the Silence of Abuse

As I hear the many inspiring stories of healing that are told during Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), I’m reminded of an amazing experience I had a few years ago.

I was invited to give a presentation to a small group of boys who had experienced sexual abuse …….age 10-13. I was nervous at the prospect of sharing with young survivors. I wasn’t sure what to put together in the way of a presentation. I always plan, plan, plan, and then plan some more before I do a presentation (anal retentive I think they call it!). Well for the first time in my life it just didn’t seem appropriate to prepare in advance. I thought I would know what to say when the time came.

I happened to watch a TED presentation from Brené Brown on shame that day, which was really about vulnerability. She shared that vulnerability is not really weakness as we perceive, but is in fact strength. When we expose ourselves as flawed and are willing to show our vulnerability, it is truly admirable and it opens the door for others to do the same. Well this is the theme I took to the boys. My entire preparation was based on a few words.

“…vulnerability is not really weakness as we perceive, but is in fact strength.”
- Vulnerability
- Control
- Secrets
- Shame
- Alone
- Not good enough
- Me first (to heal we must)
I’ll let you put your own meaning to each of these words.

When I arrived I was informed that the boys did not generally talk in the group about having been victimized. It was more of a peer support group. I started by sharing that I had been sexually abused, by whom, when and for how long. I went on to share what it did to my life by not dealing with it. I then told them about the amazing things that had happened since I began to tell my truth. We talked about the words above and what they meant to me and what they might mean to them.

By the end of the time at least three of the boys had shared personal experiences and feelings about what happened to them. One boy, age 11, told me about being ridiculed by a teacher for stuttering. His classmates were even harsher. As a foster child, how he cherished the times he was allowed to see his parents. Another boy, age 12, told me he attempted to commit suicide by taking pills, but now he takes pills that help him get through the day. A third boy shared that he was abused the way I was, and sometimes he has nightmares and wakes up scared in the middle of the night.

I wrapped it up with how lucky they were to have a group and a place like they were at to help them heal so they would not grow up with the problems I had. They had the opportunity to heal and become whole if they chose to and worked hard. I left with a broken heart for the pain these children are suffering, and praying that they will go on to live healthy lives with the help they are getting at a young age.

It was such an honor to spend time with these boys who are crying out to be heard, loved and understood. Any chance you may have to step in and become a mentor or Big Brother/ Big Sister to a child like these, you will find you are doing heaven’s work. It is amazing how a little time and effort can mend a broken soul. May you be as blessed as I was that evening.

Speaker, writer and author of the book Boys Don’t Tell: Ending the Silence of Abuse, Randy Ellison is a child-sexual-abuse, victim’s advocate and an activist promoting cultural change working with local, state and national organizations. Randy also works as a consultant for nonprofits dealing with awareness and prevention of intimate violence. He addresses abuse prevention and healing for survivors from a survivor’s perspective. Randy is a member of the Oregon Attorney General’s Sexual Assault Task Force. He maintains his own website boysdonttell.com
Happy Mother’s Day! What I hope my son remembers

Today is Mother’s Day, and so today I am reflecting on the last six years since I became a mom. Being a mom is the most rewarding, most exhausting, most scary, most wonderful job ever.

I come from generations of what I call Super Moms. I always strive to be half the mom my mom and my grandmothers were. Watching them as I grew up, being a mom looked so easy. Now reflecting back after being a mom, I wonder how they ever made it through the day.

My mom went to work when I was in fourth grade. However, I don’t remember her working. I remember her never missing a field trip. I remember always having homemade cookies in the cookie jar. I remember her being the leader of my girl scout troop or being my choir leader at church.

I can never live up to that. The bar is too high. So I do the best that I can and I hope that when my son, James, reflects back, he doesn’t remember me not being able to make it on the field trips because of my work schedule. I hope that he does not remember that the first batch of homemade cookies his mom made him was when he was six. I hope that he forgets the yelling.

I hope that he remembers that, no matter how tired his mom was, she was always able to listen to him read at night. I hope that he remembers that at Easter his mom always made sure he had an Easter egg hunt either at home, with his friends or at church. And some years we did both.

I hope that he remembers that his mom had as much fun as he did at the zoo. I hope that he remembers that, even though it would make his mom crazy because all the Christmas tree ornaments would end up on one side on the bottom, she let him hang them there anyway!

I hope that he remembers that every day, no less than one hundred times a day, she told him how much she loved him. I hope that he remembers that even though every time she cleaned his room she told him it would be the last time and next time he would have to do it himself, it never happened that way. She always helped him clean his room.

I hope he remembers how she makes his dad crazy because she can’t throw away anything his little hands have made. I hope that he remembers that his mom would color, play with play dough, do chalk art on the sidewalk, build forts in the living room, run races, hunt for rocks, sticks and sea shells and dance crazy break dancing moves with him.

I hope that he remembers that she not only let him stay in pajamas all day for “Pajama Day” — but sometimes she participated with him.

I hope that he remembers that when he talks — she listened. I hope that he remembers that there have been times that his mom has had very uncomfortable conversations with people in attempts to keep him safe.

There is nothing that brings me more happiness than to hear my child tell me he loves me or “Mommy, you’re the greatest! Ever!”

So in that spirit, I want to wish all the moms or maternal influences out there a Happy Mother’s Day! And tell you, “You are the greatest! Ever!”
Male sexual abuse by a woman is not a rite of passage

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I am saddened that in today’s world, with all the knowledge we have gained around child sexual assault, that we are still in a place where society blames the victim. Particularly if the victim is a teenaged boy and the perpetrator is a woman.

Child sexual abuse is not a dirty joke.

Child sexual abuse is not a rite of passage. Child sexual abuse is not someone’s private business. It is not a reason to give someone a “high five”. It is not something to celebrate.

If you do not understand the impact of child sexual abuse on a child, I want to share some things that child sexual abuse victims face:

• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Suicidal thoughts and actions
• Flashbacks/ Invasive thoughts
• Nightmares /insomnia
• Anger
• Anxiety
• Depression and mood swings
• Mental health difficulties
• Self-blame
• Guilt/ Shame/ Humiliation
• Fear/ Numbness
• Sense of loss, helplessness, isolation and alienation
• Low self–esteem, self-doubt, diminished self-belief
• Difficulties with relationships and intimacy

Male victims often need to add these to that list:

• Pressure to “prove” their manhood
• Confusion over gender and sexual identity
• Sense of being inadequate as a man
• Sense of lost power, control, and confidence in relation to manhood
• Problems with closeness and intimacy
• Sexual problems
• Fear that the sexual abuse has caused or will cause him to become a homosexual or ‘gay’
• Homophobia – fear or intolerance of any form of homosexuality.
(The above information and more can be found at www.livingwell.org)

So what on the list above deserves a “high five”? What on this list should be celebrated?

I hear the comebacks in my head.

• “But what 15 year old boy would not want to have sex with an attractive 30 year old woman?”
• “There is no abuse …. he initiated it.”
• Or my favorite (NOT) “I would have walked around with a smile on my face for a week if I had a teacher who was that attractive and wanted to have sex with me.”

I cannot even begin to tell you how much more trauma, shame and anxiety those type of comments and thoughts put on a child sexual abuse victim.

Let me try to enlighten you by telling you about offenders and offender behaviors … and yes, females can be sexual offenders. Offenders prey on vulnerable children. Those children who have low self-esteem. Those children that others deem liars. Those children who may have mental health issues or may just lack an attentive adult in their life. They prey on children who crave more attention, who need to find ways to feel better about themselves and children who are trusting of the adults in their lives. They prey on children who have vulnerabilities. Do not get me wrong. They will offend on children who do not meet the above criteria, but may not get away with it for very long.

Look at your state laws to see what the age of consent is. In Oregon it is 18 years of age. That means that a child cannot consent to sexual intercourse while under the age of 18.

Let me also tell you this. And this is the part you should pay special attention to. We sometimes forget. Children are not little adults. Even if they look like an adult. Even if they want to be treated like an adult. They are not little adults. And in any situation, no matter what the circumstance …. the adult is responsible for what happens between them and a child. The child is not responsible.

I will figure that someone will be saying right about now that there are situations in which the reverse is true. I can hear the list of times that someone somewhere is rattling off where this is just simply not true. The problem with that kind of thinking is that it allows perpetrators to feel justified in their abuse of a child. The child asked for it. The child wanted it. The child started it.

I don’t buy it. And if this were the case then there would be no child abuse. There would be no reason for laws to exist to protect these children. There is a reason there is an age of consent. There is a reason that there are policies and laws in place that say it is not okay for a teacher, a coach, a parent, a mentor, a therapist, a priest, or a boy scout leader to have sexual contact with a child.

And the last time I checked it did not say “unless said adult was female”.
How long will we look the other way

By Danielle Ellison of Medford, Oregon

How do we value the life of a child? How do you put a price on Christmas morning, the first day of school, snow angels in the winter, cannonballs in the summer, and high school graduation?

I ask because my son was nearly robbed of these memorable childhood moments. On Sept. 22, 2014, my life changed forever. Horrible abuse had been taking place in my absence, and on that fateful day in September a bright light was shed on a dark issue.

My 3-month-old son was a victim of child abuse, more specifically shaken baby syndrome. His future is unclear, and each day I awake wondering if today is the day that will unveil permanent damage, left behind by the brain injury inflicted by his abuser.

Many other children have not been as fortunate as my son; children left devastated, fighting fearlessly to overcome, to heal, to live. When they do live, they are often left blind, deaf, unable to walk or attached to feeding tubes. Many are left plagued with seizures, impaired motor skills, impaired speech and cognitive disabilities.

While these children are suffering, trying to find the silver lining of this dark cloud, the ones responsible are minimally punished. All too often, the ones who are shattering our youth are serving minimum sentences for inflicting maximum pain, and frequently permanent damage.

These are atrocious crimes, committed against the most defenseless victims. Any bail amount is intolerable. After searching the inmate list of the Jackson County Jail, and comparing bail amounts of different cases, I was left confused and disappointed. How is it that a person can nearly kill an innocent, defenseless infant and his bail be set at an amount that is three times lower than that of a person being charged with a robbery where no one was injured?

What kind of message does that send? To me, it sends a message that says material objects as a whole are more valuable than the life and future of a child.

No amount of money will erase cerebral palsy. It will never give the sight of the sun setting to that child left blind, or the sound of the rain falling to that child left deaf. Our children are our most valuable blessings. When are we going to start protecting them?

These crimes are crippling our youth. Yet, the culprits responsible often are walking away with a slap on the wrist. A few years ago, a 5-week-old baby girl was severely abused at the hands of her own father. She was violently shaken on numerous occasions. She was left severely brain damaged, and her development halted, leaving her 5 weeks old forever.

She fought like a warrior for nine years, and then, 10 days short of her 10th birthday, she passed. Her abuser was found incompetent to stand trial because he had a low IQ. This man held down a job, drove a car and lived a normal adult life. Justice was never served for this innocent child.

In another instance, nearly two years ago a 2-month-old boy’s life was changed forever. This infant, at the most defenseless time in his life, was strangled, shaken and beaten. These attacks caused severe brain bleeding and 25 fractured bones all over his body.

Now nearing his second birthday, this child should be learning his ABCs, potty training and jumping on his mommy’s bed. Instead he is plagued with seizures, and developmental delays. He is unable to sit up on his own, and has been diagnosed with epilepsy and cerebral palsy. A young life was devastated before it began to flourish, and somehow, some way, three years seemed an appropriate sentence for his abuser. I cannot ignore that.

Both of these examples are of local children, and they only scratch the surface. There are many more. Our children deserve the right to experience the simple joys in life, not just its sorrows.

I am a single mother of two boys and understand that there are moments in parenting where you feel like crossing that line out of frustration, but you just can’t do it. My question is, when are the consequences of these actions going to be substantial enough to force caregivers to walk away in those moments of frustration? When are we going to say “no more?” These are not cases of two adults fighting, or vengeance being sought. This is innocence in its purest form, being destroyed.

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