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A Survivor Shares her Story: Why CAC Matters

This is the inspiring speech presented by Kira Zavala at last year’s 2015 CAC Cherish a Child luncheon. Kira shares her experience as a survivor of child abuse and as a child receiving services from the CAC.

My name is Kira Zavala. I am a mother, wife, community volunteer, business woman and a survivor of child abuse.

In 1990 as an 8 year old little girl, I walked through the doors of the Children’s Advocacy Center. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to expect, I didn’t know if people would believe what had happened to me, I didn’t know if I was safe and I didn’t know where my abuser was.

I had so many questions and I couldn’t find the right words to verbalize my questions. I was living in fear.

I remember walking into the building of the CAC for the first time and there were so many bright colors and it smelled so fresh and clean. I was seated in a waiting room with my mom and there were all of these really cool toys that I had never had the opportunity to play with before. They helped me to step outside of why I was there for a brief moment and gave me comfort.

Shortly after a lady greeted me, I said good bye to my mom and the lady walked me into a room that had a big two way mirror. I sat at a table with a piece of paper and coloring crayons. I knew it was time to start talking about what happened. My body got really hot and I began to get restless and scared.

I started coloring in order to not have to make eye contact with the lady. I remember being so ashamed and embarrassed to have to say it out loud. I felt that if I said it, it would be real and I didn’t want to remember it. But I knew I had to, in order to be safe and in order to not let it happen again to me, my siblings or anyone in my family.

After a few questions, I began to feel more and more comfortable talking to the interviewer. Once the interview was over, I had a sense of relief. But I didn’t know what was going to happen. The lady assured me that I was going to be safe. I rejoined my mother and we talked about the terrifying possibility of me having to testify in court.

I was afraid to have to make eye contact with my abuser. I was worried that he might try to hurt me again and in front of everyone. And I questioned, “What if he followed me home?”

On the day of court I remember being terrified. I again felt that I had done something wrong.

We first went to the Children’s Advocacy Center before going to the court house. We met in a room and everyone said wonderful things to me. I remember there being a social worker, a lawyer, a sheriff and a member of the CAC. After our meeting one of the ladies came into the room and gave me a light blue box. Inside was a crystal heart. I had never seen one close up. It was beautiful. While inspecting it she told me that I was strong, I was special and that I will grow up to be beautiful. It’s a moment in my life that I will never forget.

I held the crystal heart in my hand and walked to the court house. I held it as I took my oath and I held it even tighter during my testimony.

The lady was right! I am strong, I am special and I did grow up to be a beautiful.

Today, on behalf of 8 year old little Kira, the CAC, their community partners and most importantly the children who have and will walk through the doors of the CAC, WE would like to give you your very own Heart, please take one from the center of your table. As you hold this in your hand, know, as I did, that everyone in this room is STRONG, SPECIAL AND BEAUTIFUL.

All of the children who come to the Children’s Advocacy Center are STRONG, SPECIAL & BEAUTIFUL.

Thank you for your support for these children.

(This year’s Cherish a Child Luncheon is Oct. 20th 2016, 12 noon – 1 pm at Inn at the Commons in Medford, Oregon. For more information, to attend or to be a sponsor, contact Julia at: 541-282-5474 X111)

Kira Zavala
Our New Development Director: Why the CAC?

By Julia Saemi, Development Director at the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

So how does someone with an economics and budgeting background end up as a Development Director of a small non-profit?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten that question in the two months that I’ve been working at the Children’s Advocacy Center. It’s a good question. I worked for the Department of Treasury, I consulted for the Navy, and I worked on the budget team at Dartmouth College – why the CAC?

My answer is timing and the inspiring staff at the Center.

I’ve lived in Medford for just over a year and have a two-year-old son. I was looking for part-time work that was fulfilling and challenging. I had thought about working for a non-profit. I’ve done a lot of volunteering in the past, and always found that work grounding and incredibly meaningful. But nothing seemed to be working out, so I got in touch with a family friend – Dr. Miller. Her enthusiasm for the CAC is infectious. She gave me a tour, introduced me to Tammi, the Executive Director, and I was hooked. I signed up to volunteer that day.

Anyone who has interacted with the center can tell you that it takes no more than 5 minutes with anyone on staff to realize their passion for helping children and families.

It is truly amazing and inspiring. I’ve never felt so strongly about an organization in such a short period of time. The Children’s Advocacy Center proves that a small staff can have a significant and positive impact on hundreds of kids a year. It is this dedication that encouraged me to apply for the open Development Director position as I couldn’t think of a better way to dedicate the time away from my son.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my first two months on the job and all the challenges that come with starting in a completely new field of work. There are days that I feel like the path leading to the Children’s Advocacy Center was meant to be.

It brings me back to my days of working on my Master’s Degree in Public Administration and making the decision to dedicate myself to public service. I go back to how I felt cooking and welcoming guests at David’s House in Hanover, New Hampshire – a small Ronald McDonald-type house for families to stay while their children are in the hospital. I am grateful to be given the opportunity to be part of the amazing team at the Children’s Advocacy Center.

I will do everything I can to be successful in supporting the Center in helping children recover from child abuse and find safety.
Judges cares about star athlete who rapes, not about rape victim

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

As I sit here today and write this, I am thinking about how many times I have written words, spoke about or read about how victims of sexual assault continue to be impacted by the lack of appropriate punishment of their offenders.

I sometimes feel like I am in the movie “Groundhog Day”. You know the movie I am talking about? The one where Bill Murray keeps re-living the same day over and over again?

I feel like that. I keep reading over and over again: Bright young college student rapes a bright young college student, but we don’t want to ruin his life by “branding” him a sex offender. So instead we give him six months in jail. He serves three months.

Today, I sit stunned that he raped an unconscious woman and today he will walk among the free. He spent a lousy three months in jail. Martha Stewart served more time in prison for lying.

There has been much public outcry about this sentencing. And there should be. The Judge stands behind his sentence. He actually said, and I quote, “While the victim’s life had been “poisoned” by the assault, a prison sentence for Turner would not be ‘an antidote’.”

He further explained that Turner was not a threat to anyone. Really? He is a threat to any woman who has the audacity to have too much to drink or to sleep in front of him.

I wonder if he would be saying the same thing if it was his daughter who had been Taylor’s victim. I wonder if he would be saying the same thing if he had to witness his loved one being told about being raped behind a dumpster at school. I wonder if the two bicyclists who happened on Taylor raping the unconscious young lady would feel the same.

The Judge, in my humble opinion, has greatly added to the trauma that this young rape victim will have to work through.

He has publicly said his court does not care about rape victims but does care about star athletes who rape. It sickens me. It sickens me that he is still allowed to wear the black robes that symbolize justice and honor.

I am hoping that tomorrow is a different day.

I am hoping that tomorrow we understand better, in all walks of life, what trauma is and what it does to change who we are.

I am hoping tomorrow will be a day where victims of sexual assault are heard, valued, and protected, instead of shamed, blamed, and humiliated.

I am hoping that tomorrow is a day where we no longer tell our daughters what to do so they will not be raped and begin to teach our sons why they should not be rapists.

I am hoping that tomorrow is a day where yes means yes and no means no.

I am hoping that tomorrow is a day where we all understand what consent means and that we understand we have to be awake, sober, and of age in order to give it.
A Building Bridges Adventure with the CAC kids

By Virginia Sagal, Communication & Outreach Coordinator, The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

The kids were waiting, very excited for the bus to arrive and take them to the Sanctuary One at Double Oak Farm!

There they would get a tour of the farm. The tour would include visiting with all the Sanctuary One animals. These animals come from abused and neglected situations and now are in a safe and secure environment.

When we arrived one hour later, we were met with the staff who would guide us through our tour. The kids were greeted first by the cats and dogs, which were in a separate area on the farm from the rest of the animals. They were allowed to pet them after being told that they are all a bit timid and need special care.

It was wonderful to see how gently cats were picked up and how carefully they treated the one dog that came up to them.

Then we were off to the pasture to be greeted by two very friendly little pigs that ran to them to say welcome. The kids were so happy and excited and bonded instantly. In the pasture they had the opportunity to pet all the other pigs, horses, and goats.

It was so special to see children who are going through therapy being social and nurturing to their fellow farm friends.

This is what our Building Bridges workshops are about. These activities help socialize the kids in nurturing environments — teaching care, love, and respect for others and animals. Children healing from abuse can have better outcomes in therapy, stronger relationships with family members and peers, and greater levels of participation in the community.
Good News: High school freshman making a difference

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

My faith in humanity has been restored.

I have to be honest. I have been struggling the last couple of weeks. I have been struggling to reconcile the violence, the hatred, the arguing, the shaming, and the lack of empathy that plays out every day on the news with the vision of the world I have in my heart…the one I want my son to grow up in and be a part of.

It had left me in a major funk! Not quite depressed but unable to shake the hopelessness. Just when I thought it was going to take over and change this glass half full girl’s outlook, something wonderful happened and it totally snapped me out of it.

The something that happened was dreamed up by a 14 year old high school freshman. There is STILL good in this world. There are young people who care about the world around them. This weekend I witnessed it. A young man named Milan help restore my faith in humanity.

Last weekend was an event that was the culmination of a lot of hard work by Milan to put on a fun, free event that could raise awareness about Child Abuse and the services provided by the Children’s Advocacy Center. It was the Impact Soccer Clinic.

I spent that morning surrounded by 47 smiling children having the time of their life — learning new soccer skills from three awesome coaches who donated their time. I spent the morning watching parents and grandparents cheering on their budding soccer stars. I spent the morning being overwhelmed and humbled by the generosity of these families. The Impact Soccer Clinic was a free event however, if you had the means to put a donation in the jar, that was encouraged.

Milan loves to play soccer. AND he wants to make a difference in the community he lives in and for the children who suffer abuse. He decided to bring these two passions together and the end result was this wonderful event.

I was able to witness empathy and passion and a desire to leave the world a better place.

I was able to see a young man and his family do something wonderful for the community we live in.

Hope comes from the most unlikely places; you have only to be open to it. My hope for our world to recover comes in the form of a 14 year old young man who wants to make the world a better place. I believe he will do that.

I think he already has.

Visit our Facebook Page album for more pictures from Impact Soccer Clinic
Brock Turner: A Dangerous Unrepentant Rapist

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center

I am angry. I am disappointed. I am disheartened. I pay very close attention to the outcomes in rape cases across the country, especially those that are deemed “news worthy” as they tend to be a gauge of what we as a society think about sexual assault and sexual abuse.

If you follow this blog at all (I am so thankful you do) you know that I have spent many years of my life trying to help victims find their voice…trying to coax them out of the shadows so that they can know there is nothing to feel shameful about, that it was not their fault.

Yesterday I read all the news stories about the young swimmer Brock Turner. I am appalled. We are living in the Stone Age—as in we are still throwing stones at victims.

I am not going to rehash the whole story. Please google Brock Turner. What comes up near the top is a picture of a fresh faced young man smiling, not a mug shot. This man was found guilty of sexually assaulted a young woman. Not only did he assault her, she was unconscious when he did it and there were two witnesses AND it was done outside on a college campus.

After he was found guilty, his father wrote a statement to the court bemoaning how his son had lost his appetite and happy-go-lucky life after the verdict. The Judge gave him six months in jail because he did not deem him a threat to anyone and because he bought into the victim stance grandstanding performed by the father.

I have to say I almost lost my mind reading these stories yesterday. The father had the audacity to say that “20 minutes of action” in 20 years of life as a demonstration of how his son’s life was changed. He blamed alcohol and wants his son to use his experience to educate college students on how drinking in excess can damage your life.

If your child’s college brings this man to your child’s college, I urge you to recognize how dangerous he is and to dis-enroll your child if they follow through with having him there. He is a rapist. He is a rapist that is not sorry for what he did. He is clearly sorry he got caught. He absolutely felt he had a right to have sex with this young woman, even if she was unconscious, as he did so out in the public view. This is dangerous.

I first want to look at “20 minutes of action”. This is how the father referred to a rape committed by his son. What does that even mean? Is he using action as a peer might ask if you got any action? As in “getting lucky”? As in sexually getting lucky or getting sexual action? I hope you can see why this is not okay. I hope there is at least one other person out there who finds this beyond disgusting. As a parent, we set the tone. As a parent we teach our children what is right and what is wrong by modelling appropriate behavior. I am going to just leave that here.

Our court system is protecting RAPISTS.

We are once again tipping the scales against sexual assault victims. We are giving power to RAPISTS. I feel like no matter how good a guy this judge is, it is time to demand that he step down. This sentencing is a joke.

I have read how alcohol made him rape her. Consider this….Many people drink alcohol to the point of being very drunk and do not rape women. Heck, there has been a time in my early twenties when I regularly drank copious amounts of alcohol and never once have I raped a person, and particularly not an unconscious, helpless one. And never once did someone rape me.

Alcohol does not make you do anything that is not already a thought in your heart.

She should not have been drinking. She should not have left with him. She should not have allowed him. She should have fought him. Her sister should have taken better care of her. Her parents should have taught her better.

NO! I REJECT all these arguments. I refuse to live in a world that accepts rape and teaches girls to be afraid. HE SHOULD NOT HAVE RAPED HER!

This is not about whether she fought him or whether she said no. It is about whether she said yes. There was no consent. No consent equals rape.

If he had said he was sorry. If he had said that he knew that she could not defend herself. If he had said he abused his power—maybe and that is a BIG maybe—there would be hope that he would and could change his behavior. As it is now, he is a risk to women. As it now stands, he is dangerous. He is an unrepentant rapist who feels his only crime was drinking.

My husband and I are raising a son.

We teach him to treat others as he wants to be treated. We say this so much that I hear our son using this as an argument to compel others to apologize to him when he feels he has been wronged. We not only talk to him about it, we model it for him. We talk to him about treating girls with respect. We talk to him about not giving hugs or affection if the other person does not want it. We talk to him about asking if he can have a hug and then honoring whatever the response is. If it is no, then we offer a handshake. It is important to us that our son learns empathy. Actually, it is important to us that it goes further than learning it. We want him to practice it. At 7 years old, we demand it. When he is 17 we are hopeful he practices it because it is the right thing to do and because he is a kind, respectful human being.

I invite you to follow this story. I will be. I want to see what changes we see on campuses across the country. I want to see the response of the DA’s office. Will they file a complaint against the Judge? I want to see what happens.

Are we a country that says raping someone is okay? What message are we sending? Will this even warrant a mention in anyone’s political platforms? Will everyone remain silent and hope it goes away? Will we all say, at least the young woman is strong and was able to address him in court? I hope not.

The next time someone comes forward and reports being sexually assaulted, will we blame the victim? Will we shame the victim? Will we accuse the victim of wanting to make money or ruin their rapist’s life?

Or will we stand strong in support of the victim and say we will no longer tolerate the rape culture?

THIS HAS TO STOP. I cannot be complicit in this by going along with this. Please do not be complicit by feeling sorry for the offender. His life is ruined. He can’t enjoy his food anymore. He cannot find his zest for life. His father is so upset that his son’s “20 minutes of action” have ruined his life.

Give me a break! Who is responsible?

What about the wake of destruction left behind in the victim’s life that she now has to work to put back together?
Farewell to our Development Director, Michelle Wilson

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

As I sit behind my computer staring at a blank screen I am very humbled and possibly somewhat overwhelmed.

Today I am writing about changes at the Children’s Advocacy Center. Changes that bring on both feelings of happiness and deep sadness. We are saying farewell to our Development Director, Michelle Wilson. She is moving on to new adventures that, unfortunately for us, include a new job.

Michelle has been part of the CAC team for seven years. Staying put for seven years in the same nonprofit is not something that happens very frequently. I like to say the players are always the same, just where they sit at the table is different.

Many people recognize Michelle as one of the faces of the CAC. Many people recognize Michelle as the person who raises revenue and rallies supporters for our agency. Today I want to invite you to look deeper at Michelle’s contribution to this community.

Without Michelle’s tireless efforts the CAC would not have been able to grow our capacity to serve the children and families we serve. Let that sink in a moment. Being the Development Director is so much more than just raising funds and awareness.

Michelle has helped behind the scenes insure our staff have what they need in order to help abused children journey to healing.

Literally thousands of children in Jackson County have been impacted by the work Michelle has done behind the scenes. Thousands of abused children have been able to get forensic interviews, therapy, mentoring opportunities, advocacy, and medical exams and begin to a journey of healing. Thousands of children understand that they have value. Thousands of children have the gift of knowing that their abuse does not have to define who they are.

Let’s change our lens and look at Michelle’s contribution from a different angle. There are many professionals in Jackson County who work tirelessly to protect the children of Jackson County who have received specialized training as a result of Michelle’s work. There are many professionals who were able to receive professional mentoring as a result of the funding secured through Michelle’s work. This training and mentorship multiplies those thousands of children impacted by her work, probably at least tenfold.

There are countless Board members that Michelle mentored. There are countless Board members that Michelle has helped recognize in themselves new skills and new strengths that they never knew they had. Michelle has done the same for many staff members.

From a more personal place, I would like to thank Michelle for making my transition into the Director’s position two years ago so much easier than it could have been.

It is always difficult to move to a new community. It is always difficult to take on a new leadership role. It is always difficult to come in and have new ideas and try to execute them in a place where there is an established culture. Michelle certainly helped to keep me on a pace that would help in my success in all those areas.

Tomorrow is Michelle’s last day with our Center as our Development Director. In a blog or newsletter in the near future I will be introducing the person who will be taking on the role of Development Director.

But for today in this moment, I am appreciating and recognizing Michelle’s contribution to our community. Today in this moment, I am recognizing that I am going to miss the daily check ins, the million emails, and the daily reminders to take care of myself. Today in this moment I will watch Michelle spread her wings just as a newly transformed butterfly does after emerging from their cocoon ready to tackle new challenges.

Transition is part of the life cycle of any nonprofit. We are definitely in another transition phase as committed staff members leave our agency to claim new adventures and new passions. I take heart that with every goodbye, we are saying hello to someone with new energy and new ideas that will take us to the next phase of our life cycle.
The CAC Movement: Behind the Scenes in Washington DC

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of The Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I am going to write a different kind of blog today. I just spent an amazing two days working with about 30 other professionals across the country in DC during a strategic planning exercise.

We were working on the strategic goal of Leadership and Collaboration. We were all conferred by the National Children’s Alliance. We all worked in some role in the children’s advocacy center movement.

I have had the privilege of working in this movement for 14 years. I also worked 12 years in the field of child protection outside the movement. Here are my take aways from this amazing experience:

1). There are a lot of really smart, talented, innovated, compassionate and passionate professionals who work in this movement. At one point, I found myself looking around the room in amazement. There was no ego present during these two days of really intense sessions. I wonder if there are other movements in which a room of professionals with different roles, wanting to see different outcome could put aside their own agendas so easily to work for the greater good.

2). There is a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes in Washington DC in a small building that can be found at 516 C Street NE on behalf of abused children. Some of it is smaller stuff, but most of it great big stuff! In the last 5 to 6 years that stuff has been absolutely life saving for the abused children each of the nearly 800 centers across the country serve.

We are being recognized as a national movement in ways that did not happen before. We actually have an organized effort on the Hill in DC. There are media campaigns available for individual centers to use. Our messaging is becoming more consistent. There has been a huge effort to get evidence based practices in all of our accredited centers.

Many will read this and think, Ok big deal. Yes it is a very big deal. These efforts are saving the lives of the children we serve. These efforts are keeping the issue of child abuse in front of our legislature.

We have seen what happens when we are not in front of them. Abused children get zeroed out of the national budget.

3). Never before have we as a movement been in a place where we can do so much to change the trajectory of abused children. We as a movement are invested in finding ways to make the intervention services we all provide be as trauma focused and efficient as possible. We are invested in making sure the providers have the best training opportunities. We are invested in making sure the CAC’s in our movement receive support and technical assistance at many different levels.

4). The only way we are going to be able to reach a “tipping point” as a movement fighting to address child abuse and to help heal those children who suffer from it, is if we work together collaboratively.

I once heard someone say “We all do well when WE ALL do well.” I firmly believe that. This group in DC working together for two full days did a lot of collaborative work. We all checked our agendas. We all walked away being heard—or that was my take on it. I suppose others might see things differently but not that I heard about. We shared ideas. We shared perspectives. We looked at data gathered by the National Children’s Alliance on how Centers are utilizing existing resources and where they are getting those resources.

And really the BIG take away for me was to recognize that working in the CAC movement is the best way to make an impact in the lives of abused children.

This is not to discount other organizations. This is not to discount other methods. But for ME, I see value in what is happening. I see value in what is being offered through each CAC across the country to children who are abused. I see value in coming together and sharing our resources for more efficiency. I feel valued and feel that my work is valued by this movement.

And finally, finally, I have worked inside this movement and outside this movement protecting and advocating for abused children. The children who receive services through a children’s advocacy center are given more opportunities to heal. They are given more opportunities to be heard. They are given more opportunities to find protection and safety.

Stay tuned. There are great things happening on behalf of abused children.

I feel so fortunate to be a part of those things. I feel fortunate to work with all of those working on behalf of children. I feel committed to working collaboratively with those working outside the movement on behalf of abused children. Together we are all making a difference in the lives of abused children.
Making a difference in a child’s life

By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I often get asked to explain how the CAC works and what difference it really makes in the life of an abused child.

I think my amazing seven your old son gave me the best story/metaphor to explain this. He teaches me all sorts of new things on a daily basis.

Recently he taught me about dream catchers. He made a dream catcher and he was explaining what it does. He told me that it catches the bad dreams and replaces them with good.

I was intrigued and did a little research. Dream catchers are a tradition of the Native American community. It was believed that it would protect you from nightmares by having positive dreams slip through the hole in the center of the dream catcher and glide down the feathers to the sleeping person below. The nightmares would get caught up in the web and disappear when the first rays of sun stuck them.

This concept is the very thing that the CAC model does for abused children. Only the web is catching abuse and hopefully stopping it as we bring it out into the open and “shed light” on the issue.

The Children’s Advocacy Center model (CAC) is built on the concept of the multidisciplinary team. Each agency that has a role in the investigation and intervention into child abuse, works together to meet the needs of the child at the heart of said investigation. These agencies include law enforcement, Department of Human Services, mental health providers, forensic interviewers, medical providers, prosecutors, and advocates.

Each team member represents a strand in the web of the dream catcher doing their part to change the predicted outcome for the abused children we serve. Each service provided does a little to bring safety to a child.

We all change the trajectory of an abused child’s life by putting in place services that will help stop the abuse and replace it with healing. What a beautiful gift to give to a child who has been abused!

The CAC puts a great big spot light on child abuse and hopefully by doing this we can make it stop. Much like the dream catcher holds bad dreams in its web until the sun rays hit them and make them disappear.

We provide a holistic approach to the intervention, investigation and prosecution of child abuse. We provide medical evaluation, diagnosis and treatment, therapeutic interventions, forensic interviewing and advocacy and support services for children 0 to 18 who have been victims of abuse or witness to violent crimes.

These services are so needed in order to not only stop the damage of abuse but to repair the damage caused by abuse.

These services literally save lives.
Birthday Wishes: Believe a Child or Not?
By Tammi Pitzen, Executive Director of the Children’s Advocacy Center of Jackson County

I have a birthday in April. I have no qualms about the number. I will be turning 47.

26 of those years have been spent working in one role or another in the field of child abuse. Wow!

That equates to more than half of my life spent responding to child abuse and trying to bring awareness to one of the most pervasive public health issues of modern times (or at least in my opinion.)

The pendulum has swung from one end of the spectrum to the other and everywhere in between, as far as practice in securing safety and investigation of child abuse during my career. When I began, you were told to believe everything a child told you and then, later, it was to be suspicious of everything a child told you.

Somewhere along the way, there were guidelines put in place for talking with children in a way that invited an open narrative, that minimized contamination of the information and was more trauma informed.

There are still people who will never believe what a child tells them about abuse. If I had any advice for anyone trying to figure this out in their own life — it would be that it is better err on the side of keeping the child safe.

Here are some things that I have learned along the way about figuring out next steps and what to believe, and because I think ranking is overvalued, they are not in any particular order:
- In most cases, there are only two people in the world that can be 100% sure of exactly what happened in suspected child sexual abuse cases…the child and the perpetrator. These things do not generally happen with witnesses around. Child sexual abuse events generally do not generate C.S.I. type evidence.
- Ask yourself what the child victim has to gain by making a false allegation. Usually the answer is — nothing but heartache. In my career I have spoken to literally thousands and thousands of children, some in a forensic interview and some out in the “field” on scene and otherwise, and what my experience has been is that most of the time if you asked a child what they wanted to happen to their offender (and by the way this is a BAD idea for a lot of different reasons) they generally would tell you they want the abuse to stop. They do not launch into a tirade about wanting him/her shot, hung, or otherwise dismembered. They do not spout off about wanting to ruin them. Many times child victims of all ages lose so much. They lose friends, family, and stability to name a few. And they gain anger, pain, blame, ridicule and shame many times.
- On the flip side of the last one, what does the person accused have to gain by lying about what happened? If there is more than one person making an accusation, I generally go with the “where there is smoke, there is fire” line of thinking. This is particularly true when the children do not know each other or have no contact with each other. Believe it or not there are not groups of children plotting to ruin the adults in their lives.
- NO MATTER what age, no matter what clothes they had on, no matter how “bad” they are, no matter what their grades are in school, the child did not ask for it. The adult is ALWAYS responsible for what happens between an adult and child. ALWAYS.
- Offenders are not the scary people we do not know…they are people we like. They are people we love. They are people in our life. They are people who are respected. They are people we have previously deemed to be safe to be around our children. I know. I know. This one is enough to make us become paranoid and distrustful of every one.
- Identifying and responding to physical abuse many times is easier for all of us. We see a child who has sustained injuries at the hands of an adult and we pretty much understand that should not happen. Although, I still occasionally run into people who feel like it is a parent’s “right” to do whatever they would like to their child. In fact, I have, in a few instances, had said parent yell that in my face.
Most non-offending caregivers want to believe their child and want to believe the abuser because what does it say about their character to not believe their child? And WHAT does it say about their character if they allowed an offender into their child’s life. Those offenders are tricky and manipulative. You can do everything right and they still are able to slip into our lives. So what does it really say about them? Does it mean they are a terrible parent? I do not believe so. Does it mean they do not love their child? I do not believe so. Does it mean they are a horrible person? Nope. The really important thing is once they learn of the abuse, what is their response to their child? Do they do whatever needs to be done to keep them safe? Do they do whatever needs to be done to help their child begin healing? Do they engage in that healing process with them? We always hope so.

When faced with having to make a decision on whether to believe a child or the accused offender, you should never base your decision on what the offender tells you.

If there is an investigation (and there should be, because if a child tells you something, you should report it so that it can be fully investigated by professionals specially trained to do so, in order to get unbiased opinions and to secure the safety of your child) then talk to the professionals investigating, talk to people who work with offenders in a treatment process, talk to anyone involved who will talk to you. Listen to what they have to say. Listen to what their opinion is. Then carefully make a decision.

But don’t make a decision out of fear…fear of not having money to pay the bills, fear of being alone, or fear of the unknown. Don’t make a decision that is based on the least painful path.

Believing a child, keeping them safe, loving them, and giving them support does not sound painful, but it can be. But know that however painful it is for you, it is much more painful for that child. Children are very protective of the people they love. It is painful for them to hurt the non-offending people in their lives. They know that their words will change the world. They know their words can bring the walls in on top of them. They know their words will bring on a domino effect that cannot be reversed.

My birthday wish this year is that if you are struggling with making a decision of whether to believe or not believe your child…..that you will reach out …..to someone who is unbiased, who has some experience in dealing with this issue, to help you.

If you reach out to me, know that I will help you, but also know that I will make a report to either law enforcement or child protection. Your child’s health, happiness and future depends on my doing so.